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JTA2426

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em01092

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_april-2012-weddings_bm-backing-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:05427f07-4ba2-44d6-9271-99a7af1ee5c0Discussion:b3d81a54-3cb0-452a-9649-9bb7431de24ePost:0dcdf9b4-bbdf-4185-82fd-a2ff89a4b5c1">BM backing out</a>:
[QUOTE]I am getting married in 3 months, and one of my bridesmaids just informed me that she cannot participate in the wedding due to personal reasons. Naturally, I understand and I'm not angry with her. I am, however, very disappointed that she will not be there to participate in my special day. My question is, <strong>I would like to replace her</strong> (for symmetry reasons and to include another friend) and didn't know how to go about the process of asking someone else<strong>. I don't want my friend to feel like she is being replaced </strong>and I don't want my new bridesmaid to feel like she is only doing this because someone backed out. How should I handle this?
Posted by JTA2426[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>The parts I bolded are contradicting statements. You want to replace her, without making her feel replaced? This is not likely to the the case. She will wonder why you didn't ask her to begin with and feel like a runner up friend. It is possible that she may not mind, but still, it's best not to treat BMs as props. </div><div>
</div><div>I say just don't worry about even sides. A lot of people have uneven sides, and there is no logical or necessary reason you <em>must </em>have them. Are numbers more important than people? One BM can be escorted by 2 GMs, or you can have people walk alone. NBD. </div>

quiggels219

I agree - there is no way to replace someone without making them feel replaced. You can add people later in the process - but I think doing it right after will probably hurt some feelings. Maybe ask your other friend to be a reader?? Or perform (if she can sing) or something like that?

em01092

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_april-2012-weddings_bm-backing-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:05427f07-4ba2-44d6-9271-99a7af1ee5c0Discussion:b3d81a54-3cb0-452a-9649-9bb7431de24ePost:521273fb-56f6-4afa-a88c-ab1483372381">Re: BM backing out</a>:
[QUOTE]Perhaps I shouldn't have reused the word "replace." That truly isn't how I feel about it. I would be honored to have either of these girls in my wedding. It is important to me to have even sides. I've been a maid in uneven weddings, and I think it looks funny in pictures and is uncomfortable for the "extras." So I'm not asking if I should ask someone else, I'm asking for suggestions on how to do so. And how not to hurt the feelings of the one who decided not to be in the WP.
Posted by JTA2426[/QUOTE]

<div>How is it uncomfortable for extras? Maybe I'm just weirdly not bothered by things like that and have a hard time understanding. And any good photographer should be able to make it work, but ok. </div><div>
</div><div>I guess I can't help you, because I think it's a bad idea, you run the risk of hurting her feelings, and that you should have asked this friend from day 1 if she was so close to you. Does she know you've already picked your WP? If not then that's better than if she already knew. Plus you're asking about 3 months out, which is pretty late in the game to be asking...</div><div>
</div><div>And on a separate note, she may not even have the money or be able to get the BM dress in time for an April wedding, so be sure to ask your shop how long it will take for a dress to come in, and be considerate if she can't get the money together, not only for a dress but for travel, taking off work, gifts, etc, in time. </div>

cgyvhu

It's a bad idea, like everyone else has already said.  Asking someone now only drives home the point that they weren't "good enough" to be a bridesmaid in the first place.  You might feel like you would have been honored to have either of them, but will the girl you're asking so late in the planning process really feel honored?

There is no way to do this without being rude, so we can't tell you how to do it.  Sorry.

quiggels219

I also think it's more insulting for the replacement rather than the girl being replaced. It's like telling a guest they were on your b list and expecting them to be honored they were ever invited. If it were me I'd feel worse beig the second choice - rather than knowing you added someone else.

lynchaa

If you are detemined to have another friend step in, just say something like "I'd be honored if you were a part of this, and I am so glad an opening came up" but be sure to say something very nice. I think I'd feel like I was a replacement but I'd still feel honored to be asked. People are too sensitive about these things. If she feels badly about it, tell her she doesn't have to do it.

meganb1977

I feel your pain...we had a groomsman back out for completely understandable reasons due to a conflict with a state licensing exam, and we had to decide what to do.  Luckily for me that decision fell more on fiance's shoulders, although even before fiance told me the guy needed to back out, fiance told me not to worry about it because he had a plan, and when fiance explained what he wanted to do I was supportive.  Some people might be understanding about your awkward situation if you invite someone to fill in, and other people might take it personally that they weren't asked to be in the wedding party in the first place.  It's hard to say how your original bridesmaid and your friend you would like to ask would react without knowing them so you'll need to follow your instincts to make that judgment call.  If you think either of them might take it personally you might be better off going with pp's suggestions of sticking it out with uneven sides and asking your other friend to do a reading or etc. or just let her enjoy the wedding as a guest.

And definitely make sure it would still be feasible for your other friend to get a dress in time, before you ask her!

If you do decide to ask your other friend, ditto pp's suggestion of being honest and putting a positive spin on it, let her know it put you in an awkward situation no matter what you did, but you thought of her.

themole

I nearly had the same issue. My MOH was getting a great opportunity at work, but it required a move to Europe. She let me know that it was happening, and that she was already trying to figure out how to be back in time for the wedding. My FI and I chatted and agreed who we would want as a "replacement" if MOH couldn't make it at all. MOH knew that we were discussing options, and was okay with that. I asked friend if she would think of standing beside me if MOH was overseas in April.
No one was offended, and all understood I really LOVED these girls, but only so many could fit at the altar with me.
You wouldn't be asking this other girl if you thought of her as only a back-up. She is someone important to you, and that is GREAT! what would worry me most is the dress issue. will she have enough time to get hers??

em01092

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_april-2012-weddings_bm-backing-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:05427f07-4ba2-44d6-9271-99a7af1ee5c0Discussion:b3d81a54-3cb0-452a-9649-9bb7431de24ePost:99257642-469c-492e-8d79-c7670917cae0">Re: BM backing out</a>:
[QUOTE]I nearly had the same issue. My MOH was getting a great opportunity at work, but it required a move to Europe. She let me know that it was happening, and that she was already trying to figure out how to be back in time for the wedding. My FI and I chatted and agreed who we would want as a "replacement" if MOH couldn't make it at all. MOH knew that we were discussing options, and was okay with that. I asked friend if she would think of standing beside me if MOH was overseas in April. No one was offended, and all understood I really LOVED these girls, but only so many could fit at the altar with me.<strong> You wouldn't be asking this other girl if you thought of her as only a back-up. </strong>She is someone important to you, and that is GREAT! what would worry me most is the dress issue. will she have enough time to get hers??
Posted by reenielynn[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>....But the only reason she is asking her to be a BM is because the girl she asked first backed out, so...

</div>

mybestfriend4eva

I personally had a BM back out. I AM NOT replacing her. I would love even sides so that pictures look all matchy but there is no way that I would have asked someone else. The new person will ABSOLUTLY feel as if she is just second best. That would be awful. I personally say do not ask someone else. I dont mean to sound harsh this is just something I feel very strong about and have had to deal with.