FMIL DRAMA - has anyone heard of this? HELP!

jenn.atx

Ok, I've been in several weddings and maybe I just missed this "tradition" all together but have any of you ever heard of this?  The following is ONE of the several "to-dos" on the most recent email from my FMIL.... HELP, is this right????  Sorry I copied this straight from the email ,so hopefully you get the idea....

"We are resposibale for Jennifer's (me) bouquet and boutineres for you, Dad, Jennifer's dad, your groomsman-thus ttl of 8....we need to discuss- I am thinking small white sweetheart rose -or lily of the valley-must be white flower per tradition- carnations too mundane- need to discuss with my florist asap!!!- am sure Jennifer has oredered her bouquet already- let us know details please!"

Ummmm... aren't WE responsible for the flowers?  Must be white flower per tradition?  I have yellow billy buttons in my head.    It's ok if I'm wrong, I just need to know if this is right before I respond (after SEVERAL deep breaths).

I'm about to pull my hair out.  Just for your entertainment, there were also song requests (REALLY?), babysitter requests, seating table requests, and out of town bag delivery requests in the same email.

Mrs.Purdue

never heard of the tradition for the ILs to pay for flowers or some rule that says flowers have to be white... in fact, i don't like white flowers with bridal dresses (just not my style) because there's no color pop, so my bouquet was ALL kinds of bright colors.  since none of the girls had white flowers, i wouldn't have wanted DH to have white, since it would seem totally random. 

tell her you've already got the flowers under control and they'll be waiting for her at the ceremony. 

jedaniel

I've only really seen it on websites, the tradition of in-laws paying for flowers . I don't think alot of people actually do it though.

mon@ATX

oh my..  never heard of it, but it may be some family/regional/back in the day custom?  i'd try to explain that you appreciate the thought, but you already took care of all the flowers and they're not going to be white, as it wouldn't match your color scheme or what not.  patience and good luck

SarahPLiz

That may be a family tradition. Perhaps you or your FI (preferably him) should talk to her and let her know that y'all weren't expecting that, and had already taken care of it. Just because its her family or cultural tradition doesn't mean its yours, and she should be open to that.

FWIW, my godmother is paying for my flowers, but if she didn't then we would cover it. She said it was tradition for her to pay for my bouquet, since her godmother did the same for her. my FILs are not paying for anything, including their plane tickets and hotel.

mrs529

My FMIL researched what parents of the groom were "responsible for" according to common "wedding etiquette". Your FMIL is right, if she is following exact etiquette. It's very old school (or traditional depending how you look at it).

I simply responded to my FMIL and thanked her for her willingness to contribute, but told her that I had already been in contact with a florist and her quote was so, so underbudget that we'd be covering it no problem.

If she really wants to be involved, it might help to designate a task to her (that you don't mind relinquishing control of). Don't let her keep doing things that bother you because it will just make your planning process stressful. She may just be trying to help and do what's "right", but it may help if you have a heart to heart with her and let her know where you/she stands.

GL!

michelle2012bride

Tradition is that the parents of the groom are responsible for those flowers. Responsible means financially responsible, not that they get to choose the flowers though!

akg0053

These other requests that were in the email...

Are your ILs paying for any of the wedding? IMO they (she) should only have a say if she's footing the bill for some of it. 

jenn.atx

Thanks ladies!  Big help... still haven't figured out where the white flower thing is coming from, but I do get them offereing to pay for the flowers.  I think that we are just going to tell her we have it handled and they are already worked in the budget.  Now the question is to hold strong with the yellow flowers or give in to white (the tradition in her head) to keep the peace.
When my FI responded to her to say that we hadn't been aware that she/they were going to be paying for these flowers, she said "hhhmmmm, please refer to the etiquette book I sent previously".  As for paying for anything else, my FI told me from the very begining that we were not to accept ANYTHING from her as she would try to "infiltrate".  It all makes sense now.  : )  Only 26 more days!

FromPenceToPrice

I agree with the pps that yes, it was traditional for the groom's family to pay for the bride's bouquet and the men's bouts (per Emily Post), but I haven't heard of anyone actually doing this since it is pretty common for them to be just included with the entire floral quote.

Maybe she's confusing the "white flower" tradition with the "white dress" tradition?  I haven't ever heard that wedding flowers were traditionally white. 

If it was me I'd thank her for offering to pay, tell her that you've already ordered the flowers (along with your order of other flowers), and that the flowers will be yellow.  If she insists on paying, let her pay for the bouquet and mens bouts.  But, it sounds like this could just be a way for her to try to gain control over her son's wedding, so I'd proceed with caution.

Mrs.Purdue

i wouldn't even mention the color of the flowers when you tell her that they've already been taken care of.  get what you want (yellow) and when she shows up to the wedding that day, there's really nothing she can say at that point.  if she directly asks you, just say that you've discussed your colors and vision with the florist and they will be yellow.  no ifs, ands, or buts. 

nicoleflores2005

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-austin_fmil-drama-anyone-heard-of-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:126Discussion:cedd7359-c39d-4153-98b2-38b90c7818bdPost:4a707e15-4f4c-4d5c-ad4a-d7c641e252d0">Re: FMIL DRAMA - has anyone heard of this? HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks ladies!  Big help... still haven't figured out where the white flower thing is coming from, but I do get them offereing to pay for the flowers.  I think that we are just going to tell her we have it handled and they are already worked in the budget.  Now the question is to hold strong with the yellow flowers or give in to white (the tradition in her head) to keep the peace. When my FI responded to her to say that we hadn't been aware that she/they were going to be paying for these flowers, she said <strong>"hhhmmmm, please refer to the etiquette book I sent previously".</strong>  As for paying for anything else, my FI told me from the very begining that we were not to accept ANYTHING from her as she would try to "infiltrate".  It all makes sense now.  : )  Only 26 more days!
Posted by jenn.atx[/QUOTE]

Holy hell, she sounds like she is going to be a PITA.  I feel for you. :)

twinksicle

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_texas-austin_fmil-drama-anyone-heard-of-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:126Discussion:cedd7359-c39d-4153-98b2-38b90c7818bdPost:4a707e15-4f4c-4d5c-ad4a-d7c641e252d0">Re: FMIL DRAMA - has anyone heard of this? HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks ladies!  Big help... still haven't figured out where the white flower thing is coming from, but I do get them offereing to pay for the flowers.  I think that we are just going to tell her we have it handled and they are already worked in the budget.  Now the question is to hold strong with the yellow flowers or give in to white (the tradition in her head) to keep the peace. When my FI responded to her to say that we hadn't been aware that she/they were going to be paying for these flowers, she said "hhhmmmm, please refer to the etiquette book I sent previously".  As for paying for anything else,<strong> my FI told me from the very begining that we were not to accept ANYTHING from her as she would try to "infiltrate".</strong>  It all makes sense now.  : )  Only 26 more days!
Posted by jenn.atx[/QUOTE]

That really made me laugh, but I know how you feel. I agree with what everyone said. Just politely refuse, and remember that this is your day, and people are going to talk no matter what--even if you do everything perfectly!

Good luck.