mother vent. long.

akg0053

I have to vent this out before I talk to her next or I'm going to be a huge b!tch to her.
Let me preface this by saying I love my mother to death. We almost never fight, and we have a good relationship in general with each other. So, I thought that when it came time to plan the wedding, this wouldn't change and we would continue to get along.

Man, I was wrong.

The issues started last weekend when I took my mom to see the hotel where we are going to have our reception. She doesn't like it. She wants me to book one of the more historical hotels in the area instead. Well, when I looked into that, it was NOT cost effective to do so (there was a 20k minimum) and FI and I would also like to purchase a house in the next few months. I ignored her protests after I explained it to her (mom has never been responsible with money).

So then Monday of this week I tell her that if she wanted to invite a few close friends, make a list of the people she wanted to invite and email it to me and we would take a closer look together in a few days, then later on after we went through the list I would send them invites.

She apparently took this to mean that she could email invites to all of her friends. She forwarded me all of the responses, and thankfully only about 5 can come. I called her and explained that these 5 were ok to be on the list (I had included them already anyway) but that no more could be invited.

Then on Thursday she called to say she booked the DJ (one of her friends from work that is a DJ on the side) and the make-up artist (one of her friends from work that has never done make-up professionally). I explained to her that since the DJ is the person that keeps the party moving that I woudl want to interview them/sit in on an event personally before booking them. Mom got mad.

I also explained to her that I would need a trial run before booking anybody for hair and make-up. She got mad again.

So today she called me and told me that she is making these dress type things for the bridesmaids. I asked her what the purpose was, and she said because they would need to wear something when they were getting their hair and make-up done. I asked her why they couldn't just wear button-down shirts, and she said she "just thought they would be cute" etc. I told her that I think they would end up costing too much money to make, she was already doing a lot, and button-down shirts would be fine.

She called me back about 30 minutes later to argue. I had had enough, and I explained to her that while I like some of her ideas, I don't have to love every single one of them, and that it would be more cost effective and less work for her if she would just let them wear button-down shirts.

See, my mom tends to do this thing where she offers to take on too many projects for people, then later on she gets overwhelmed and doesn't do any of them at all. She is already working on a big project for my FI for his wedding present, and she is doing a few other small things as well. I'm afraid that she will take on too many projects then not do ANY of them (and some of them I actually need her to do).

So I explained that while I love her very much, I didn't want her to get bogged down with having too much to do. I presented the idea that maybe she should focus on one or two projects and let me handle the rest. I told her it would make her life much easier, and that I didn't want her to feel pressured to get it all done.

How does my mother react? She started yelling profaniites at me and sobbing into the phone. Now, I figure that if she started making these things for the bm's to wear and didn't get them done, then no big deal. I approached it from the standpoint of making it easier on HER not to do them.

But what she will do instead is start to make the thing for the bm's, but then not finish ANY of the things I need/want her to do. Since the wedding is taking place where she lives (and not where I live) there are certain things that I really need her to accomplish for me.

It's not like I'm not letting her have any of her ideas. I'm using several.. but I don't love all of them, and that's ok. I also know how she is, and know that if I don't stop this she won't get the things I need her to get accomplished done. UUGGH.

kelseymw

I am sorry you are having issues with your mother, and I can relate. The first 7 months of planning was smooth sailing with her but this past month has been one frustration after another. The wedding is in May so I just keep reminding myself it will be over with soon and this isn't something to permanently damage our relationship over.

From the sound of your post, you and FI are paying for the wedding. If so, you have all the right in the world to make decisions about the location, guest list, vendors, etc.

By "booking" a DJ and MUA, does she mean she signed a contract? For your sake I hope not because I totally agree that those are two people you should meet in person for sure before booking. Maybe tell her you definitely have those two people at the top of your list to meet with when you get the point for booking a DJ and MUA, that way she doesn't feel like you are completely shutting down her "suggestions".

It sounds to me like she really just wants to be involved and have a say in things. If that's the case, maybe try thinking of a project that you can give her for her to have total control of... my first thought is the rehearsal dinner. This should keep her busy for a while and is an important task, but doesn't require a lot of DIY projects (as you are worried about her completing them). I know you are worried about what she will come up with if you give her something to do, but just keep in mind that she does love you and likely just wants to have a part in planning your big day!

GL!

akg0053

Thanks for the advice.

FI and I are paying for the whole thing. Mom doesn't have much money (see above... she's horrible with it) and I don't expect other people to pay for our wedding. With that being said, I don't need her making financial decisions for me either like booking vendors.

As far as the contracts go, she WILL NOT give me a clear answer.

Also, she does have 1 fairly large project... she is making my fiance a quilt out of his old t-shirts for his wedding present. It's huge because he has shirts going into it from when he was a little kid. It's supposed to be bigger than a king size quilt.

I was hoping that by giving her one large project that meant a LOT to us that was also something she does for a hobby to avoid all this. But, I guess not.

So here we go... she's taking on too many projects and won't finish any of them and then that's just more that I will have to do later. If I tell her no she literally starts screaming at me and bawling into the phone. I do not want to treat my mother like a child, but maybe I should just let her cry it out.

Erickag

sorry to hear! I am in a similar situation, and it is nice to be able to relate to someone! I felt a bit crazy at first, and had a lot of anger towards my mom, and dad.

The thing I came to realize, despite the actual reality of planning it right now, your parents probably had an idea or picture of your wedding built up in their head, just like we have one. My fiance and I are paying for ours too, so we tried to combine ceremony/reception site, and ended up going with a nice place, but had to cut back on open bar to afford it.

Their first comment was "well, how are you going to pay for the open bar at those prices?" They also were upset that I was not getting married in a church... when as a family, we have never stepped foot inside a church together! But, I guess they had always pictured that.

Anyways, the best advice I can give you is to remember that the wedding is going to be amazing, no matter what, and having your family there is part of the reason for that.

Also - the best advice I have gotten is to not get swept up in "wedding" stuff and spend way more than what you have in mind. Even for brides who had major wedding snafus - they say the day was perfect, but afterwards the regret was always spending too much on one day.

Anyways - good luck. My mom came around. I think in the end, I think you will both be happy with your choices!

akg0053

Thanks.

I guess that's the problem... I have NEVER been one of those girls that a "picture" or an "image" of what my perfect wedding day would be like. You're right though, I guess mom HAS had this image of my wedding day.

I am very good with money (probably cause mom isn't and I always had to manage it for her) so I'm not worried about getting swept up in wedding stuff.