private ceremony but large reception?

jdavis0327

Need ideas! We are wanting a small ceremony (family and close friends) I am clueless on how to word the invitations. I dont want to hurt anybodys feelings with not inviting everybody to the ceremony. Anybody else doing the same?

NOLAbridealmost

It would hurt my feelings if I weren't included in the ceremony too.  Why not just let everyone attend? It's the cheapest part of the day (and kind of the whole point of the celebration that follows). 

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_private-ceremony-but-large-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:96a9def2-d565-497b-a73e-aef700f77153Post:042de725-d474-49c6-9b7f-2c08e7f4f848">private ceremony but large reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]Need ideas! We are wanting a small ceremony (family and close friends) I am clueless on how to word the invitations. I dont want to hurt anybodys feelings with not inviting everybody to the ceremony. Anybody else doing the same?
Posted by jdavis0327[/QUOTE]

<div>The only way this is acceptable if it is truly a private ceremony, with immediate family only, and a max of like 20 people.  Any different than that, and you are picking and choosing who is there, and that's just rude to your guests.  Also, many of your guests could find this offensive, since the reception is the gift giving event, and so basically you look gift-grabby.  </div><div>
</div><div>I will never understand the desire to have a small ceremony then big reception.  Even when people say they are shy or have anxiety.  I was completely oblivious to what was going on behind me during our ceremony.  There could have been 5 people there, or a herd of elephants, and I wouldn't know.  We had our backs to everyone, and I was just kind of in a daze.  However at the reception I really felt like we were the center of attention, and all eyes were on us.  So, I just don't get the reasoning.  Also, the ceremony is the cheap part, so it's not like you're saving money.  </div><div>
</div><div>Regardless... if you do choose to do this (and I highly suggest not doing it), the wording would be "Following a private ceremony."  Then just include an insert for the ceremony to anyone invited to that.</div>

AdeleDazeem

We are having a private ceremony followed by a larger receptions.  Etiquette wise it is fine as long as the ceremony is truly private.  Private = immediate family ONLY and less than 20 people.  Seriously.  Don't try to change those rules because you're going to have problems.  Quite frankly, you're going to have problems anyway, but that is life.

The reception must also be much larger.  Our ratio is 12 to 150 (ceremony to reception numbers). 

Tread carefully.

Also?  I will never understand why people don't understand the desire for a private ceremony.  If we aren't breaking etiquette, who cares?

NOLAbridealmost

I completely understand the desire for a private ceremony...if it's followed by an equally private reception.  When you invite everyone to a large reception where presumably there will be gifts, etc. it just seems like you don't care about the people enough to let them see something as meaningful as the ceremony, but still want gifts out of them. And as a guest, it's hurtful.  

mary9449

To be honest, I was invited to a reception follow a private ceremony this weekend and I thought it was somewhat rude. I felt like we were invited for gifts. The ceremony is the least expensive part of the day. If you want an intimate ceremony why do you want a big reception? I think it comes off tacky and gift grabby, speaking from experience.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_private-ceremony-but-large-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:96a9def2-d565-497b-a73e-aef700f77153Post:042de725-d474-49c6-9b7f-2c08e7f4f848">private ceremony but large reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]Need ideas! We are wanting a small ceremony (family and close friends) I am clueless on how to word the invitations. I dont want to hurt anybodys feelings with not inviting everybody to the ceremony. Anybody else doing the same?
Posted by jdavis0327[/QUOTE]

<div>Well, no matter what you do, you are going to hurt some feelings with this.  While many people care more about the party and will understand the private ceremony idea, plenty of other people are going to be hurt that you wouldn't invite them to witness the whole point of the event.  There simply isn't any way to get around this; someone is going to be a little hurt to be left out of the main event.  </div><div>
</div><div>As PP said, the correct etiquette way to do this is with a truly small ceremony, with less than 20 guests, followed by a large reception.  This will minimize (but not eliminate) people feeling excluded.  If you go that route, you would send your main invitation to the reception "X and Y invite you to a reception in honor of..." or something to that effect.  Then you would enclose a small ceremony card for those that are invited to the actual wedding.  </div>

aegrish

Some of guests favorite part is actually the ceremony, mine included.  I would be offended if I wasn't invited to the ceremony.  I think you should keep your guest list the same either way.  Wouldn't it be confusing to have a 'tiered' guest list anyways?

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_private-ceremony-but-large-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:96a9def2-d565-497b-a73e-aef700f77153Post:cb09d676-49ba-42c9-ab79-08502288cadf">Re: private ceremony but large reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]We are having a private ceremony followed by a larger receptions.  Etiquette wise it is fine as long as the ceremony is truly private.  Private = immediate family ONLY and less than 20 people.  Seriously.  Don't try to change those rules because you're going to have problems.  Quite frankly, you're going to have problems anyway, but that is life. The reception must also be much larger.  Our ratio is 12 to 150 (ceremony to reception numbers).  Tread carefully. Also?  I will never understand why people don't understand the desire for a private ceremony.  If we aren't breaking etiquette, who cares?
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

<div>Just because something is technically okay in the eyes of etiquette, doesn't mean people don't have a problem with it.  And this is a topic that some people will just never agree on.  </div><div>
</div><div>IMO, if you care enough about these guests to want to celebrate with them at the party, you should also care enough about them to let them see you get married.  While some people don't care, there are others who will be truly hurt and upset that they don't get to see the ceremony.  I would be really hurt if one of my good friends said they were only having family at the ceremony, but I was more than welcome to come bring them a gift at the party.</div>

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_private-ceremony-but-large-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:96a9def2-d565-497b-a73e-aef700f77153Post:8e8ecc5c-3851-40cf-8642-14c0a9d1e501">Re: private ceremony but large reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: private ceremony but large reception? : Just because something is technically okay in the eyes of etiquette, doesn't mean people don't have a problem with it.  And this is a topic that some people will just never agree on.   IMO, if you care enough about these guests to want to celebrate with them at the party, you should also care enough about them to let them see you get married.  While some people don't care, there are others who will be truly hurt and upset that they don't get to see the ceremony.  I would be really hurt if one of my good friends said they were only having family at the ceremony, but I was more than welcome to come bring them a gift at the party.
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

I just see the situation so differently... and that's okay.  I certainly understand the other side of the argument - don't get me wrong - but a ceremony to me is an extremely private matter.  The actual act of getting married is personal to me and I would never do it in front of 150 people.  I simply wouldn't.  That ceremony directly affects my parents, his parents, us, and our siblings - no one else.

We originally were going to leave it with just the private ceremony, but we got so much flack from our friends and extended family when they heard there wasn't going to be a big celebration later.  They wanted to party.  Alrighty then - I'm happy to celebrate with anyone and everyone.

I really really understand that some people don't want to celebrate something they didn't witness and they are free to turn down the invitation to do so.  I would never hold it against them.  You are right that this is a contraversial topic and people have passionate feelings about it.  It's okay. 

To anyone who wants to do this, etiquette wise it is perfectly fine, but I would suggest taking a minute to consider the other side and understand it well before proceeding.  We did that just that and are content with our decisions.

blush64

It would hurt my feelings if someone did this. (thinking If they want something very private then keep it all private.) However, I would not say anything to them and I would probably still attend. It's just that if I am not close enough to them to witness the ceremony I don't think I am close enough to attend the reception. The ceremony is a very important part to some people.

I do understand that some people view a ceremony as private and want to keep it that way. I guess if this is important to you then you should proceed with just a small amount of close family and be aware there may be some hurt feelings.

sklink0486

To me it could go several different ways and I think it depends on the circumstances. I wouldn't automatically be offended if I knew someone was having a private ceremony and then I was invited to the larger reception. But if it was a close friend or relative, then yes, I probably would feel a little hurt and put off- not that I wouldn't attend, etc. but you can't help the way you would feel. 

I also understand that trying to have a truly private ceremony AND reception is difficult like a PP stated. Even if my extended family or close family friends weren't invited to the ceremony, they would really want us to have a celebration afterwards.

 I like more intimate ceremonies, and receptions for that matter, so we opted to have only 100 people at our wedding and reception. That may sound like a lot to some but that actually only includes very close friends, family, and family friends. 

OP, like others have said, I think it's fine if you keep it truly private, but just be prepared because you might get some people calling, etc. who are hurt they're not invited to the ceremony. 

elizawang

We are also planning a small private ceremony followed by a large reception.

The ceremony will be only myself, FI, his daughter, and my son. So far, everyone I've told our plans to seems to understand and I usually get a, "how sweet" or something similar. Before we made this decision, we talked with our immediate families. We would have changed our plans and invited everyone who's invited to the reception to the ceremony as well if our parents or siblings had indicated that they would feel hurt/excluded. I don't think I could pick and choose who to invite if it wasn't as clear cut as simply ourselves and our children.

As far as an invite to a wedding reception being interpreted as a request for gifts - geez, this drives me crazy. I don't need anything, I don't want anything (including cash). Maybe I should just call the reception a party or something else entirely. I'm sure someone would still find a way to be offended. What's a bride to do?