what would you do? sort of long

Butterfly219

Last night FI and I were discussing what needed to be done next for the wedding. I have been doing most of the calling, deciding & planning and I told him a few weeks ago that I needed his help. I've asked him to call the priest to set up the next appointment. I also asked him to take the lead on picking a DJs (he's gotten several recomendations from coworkers) and I figured that I did most of the photographer reasearching & coordination as well as venue and church.

At one point he started to stress and asked why do most men get out of doing any of this and he have to do so much. (my father doesn't help, because he keeps telling my FI to just let me do it all) I stopped...took a deep breath and said - if you don't want to be involved that is fine. Just tell me and I will ask my mom or my sis (MOH) to help me. He flipped a little - that there was no way MY family was going to make decisions for OUR wedding since WE are paying for it. I simply said, that is FINE, however, then that means he has to help. The discussed ended.

Some background info: This is my second wedding. From that day we met, FI wanted a big family wedding and needed to know if I would do that. I went through an Annullment and everything to make this happen. Now that we are 1/2 way done planning...it's now about me and whatever I want. Secondly, my family is not contributing and I completely understand that, it is my second wedding. My parents have always said, one wedding per kid. His family on the other hand did contribute and I am grateful, however, my family lives near us and I am much more comfortable working with my family.  Plus the dynamics are different.. this is my family's last wedding of my generation and his family's FIRST.

It's frustrating. I wanted this to be a fun experience. Right now...I'm stressed.

Any thoughts, opinions, advise?

angel33284

Take the time to do the research for the most important vendors - photo, video, makeup, etc. As far as DJ and flowers just go with the most popular on The Knot and be done with it. DiNardo Bros, Steve & Co, DJ's Available - you can't go wrong with any of these. Mums the Word gets high marks from all that use them.

If FI doesn't want to do any leg work don't make him, but it doesn't mean you have to pull your hair out for every decision.

2010Bride2be

I was in the same boat kind of as you...I dealt with it by asking FI what responsibilities he wanted to take on. It was kind of reverse psychology. By him believing that I am 'allowing' him to take on the tasks that he finds interests in, he took them and ran with it.

miguelhilary2010

If you have to babysit/nag/coach your FI through it, you should just do it yourself.  Pick the vendors yourself (allow him input/veto power).  When it comes to "doing" things like the paper products, favors, etc... then let your family help since they are closer.

Email is your friend.  Reach out to multiple vendors via email for info, and let them bring it to you.  Narrow your options down to 2-3 vendors for each specialty, and talk with or visit just them.  You shouldn't have to visit 10 bakeries and 15 florists to find one you like.

Butterfly219

Thanks for the advise. We only have a few biggies left and he's be going out of his way to help the last two days. Which makes me VERY happy.

[Deleted User]

I think this is just one of those areas where many men (actually almost all men) feel lost.  Planning weddings is almost a part of the female DNA; men just don't have the gene.  In my own case, after I have narrowed the decision down to one or two choices, then I have gone to him for his opinion.  He went with me to the tasting (he liked the free meal), met with the photographer and researched locations, but looking at hundreds of invitations and deciding on favors, etc. - well it's just not going to happen.  He has been given a date when he has to have a list of guests in some form (spreadsheet) that I can read.  My advice here is delegate lightly but clearly.  Presumably the time will come when he will assume chores you don't like to do so much - in my case servicing my car; if it were left up to me the oil wouldn't get changed until it was the consistency of peanut butter, and he faithfully takes it in every 90 days or 10,000 miles, whichever comes first.