Am I being completely unreasonable?

Rangergirl

I need some advice here... please be totally honest with me, don't worry about hurting my feelings!!

So my sister and I are getting married a few months apart. She in October, myself in January. My mother just got done throwing a beautiful shower for her... probably one of the nicest I've been to actually. My mother has told me that she will not be able to give me a shower because of the money she put into my sister's shower and her wedding so she told me if I want one I should probably talk to my future MIL or my bridal party. My future MIL found out about this and apparently told my fiance that she wants to throw me a shower however she wants to do it at her home with ONLY his side of the family there because it's not large enough to accomodate my friends and family. He mentioned this to my friend who is acting as my wedding planner and she felt it was inappropriate to do a shower that didn't include everyone so she contacted my bridal party and asked them to each contribute some money so they could throw me a shower in an inexpensive place that could accomodate both sides of the family and close friends. Today my fiance told me that one of the bridesmaids (his cousin) either called up his aunt or his mom, I'm not sure... flipping out that she's being asked to contribute money towards a shower and if she has to do this, she's not giving us a gift. The same bridesmaid and her sister in law (also a bridesmaid) have both already expressed that they're annoyed they have to get ready for the wedding the day of with the rest of the bridal party and that they have to pay for their own hair and makeup to get done and are also demanding that even though we're having a no children reception, his cousin should be allowed to bring her baby because she'll be less than 6 months old and she doesn't want to be away from her. I explained if I let her bring her child, I need to let everyone with young children bring their children as well out of fairness and they didn't seem to think that was necessary.

I finally told both my fiance and my planner that I do not want a shower. This is supposed to be something planned to surprise the bride and instead everyone is coming to me with all the problems planning it and I'm not sure what _I'm_ supposed to do to solve the problems when I shouldn't be involved in planning my own shower!!! I told them do whatever you want as long as no one is excluded because I'd rather have nothing than deal with people asking why they were not invited.

I am having a major problem dealing with the stress this is all causing me. I was basically told I had no option in adding these two cousins as bridesmaids however they do NOT want to participate in anything it seems, they do not want to pay for anything it seems and the children issue has been a source of contention between myself and my future MIL for months now. My fiance and I are paying for this wedding ourselves and in my opinion, that entitles me to make decisions about who is coming and how things are done... I'm not demanding $200 dollar hair and makeup or anything, not demanding set hairstyles, let them get whatever shoes they want, picked one of the least expensive dresses I could find and made sure they all liked it... I gave them all more than six months notice to find babysitters and the ONLY people crying about not being able to bring kids are his family about this baby.... am I being a total bridezilla or am I being ridiculous or out of line here? My entire process of wedding planning has been made miserable and stressful with all of this and I need to know if I'm overreacting or I have a right to tell everyone to back off...

misschristinec

WOW...

There are many things to address in this post.  I apologize if I bash family members, but these are my opinions.

1) I think your mom should have been more prepared and split her $$ between her daughters.  I think it's unfair that she threw your sister this amazing shower and now expects you to fend for yourself!  That's a bit ridiculous and sounds like a case of playing favorites. UNLESS she is doing all of this to throw you off and is really planning on throwing you a shower.

2) I do think it's nice that your FMIL offered to throw you a shower at her home.  I think your wedding planner/ friend is wrong... even if your FMIL only can invite his side.  It's still a shower and it sounds pretty generous.

3) It sounds like you knew that you had BM issues already... I think when you know people are cheapos and then approach them about paying for something extra you could basically anticipate their reaction.  I've been in 2 of my best friends weddings and I chipped in for their shower plus shower gift.  My mother is not asking a single one of BMs for $ for my shower (and things are reallllyyyy bad financially with my parents- but she's been saving up since we got engaged).  I've even offered to chip in money for it, but she refuses. 

I don't think you're being a Bridezilla by any means.  If you don't want children there, then you don't want children there- that is your choice.  I understand you being upset about the shower scenario - maybe you can have your planner/friend talk to your mom/FMIL and BMs and have a really inexpensive shower.  Maybe at a park (which would be free).. and have each BM/Parent make something and have it be a buffet...

Rangergirl

Right now I'm not feeling very defensive of my family so it is okay :P...

I thought initially maybe my mother was doing this to throw me off as well but since, she has made it very clear there is no shower in the works for me by her...

As for the thing with my FMIL. I should probably give a little background... I was married once before when I was younger. (Well.. sort of, as it turns out the marriage license was never filed so it was never legal but that's neither here nor there.) It was very small with little planning (we were young and "in love" and therefore very foolish.) My friends decided to throw me a shower... only they neglected to invite any of my family - including my mother and sister. I'm STILL not allowed to mention that former friend's name around my mother as a result. So that is the main reason why it's so important not to exclude people this tme.

What my friend/planner was planning was basically renting a KoC hall for a few hundred dollars and from what I was told, asked each bridesmaid for $150 to contribute towards the hall rental and decorations and then asked each of them plus my mother and his mother to contribute cooking one dish for everyone... I know I've been in two wedding parties so far and I had to put a LOT more money into their showers than this.

I definitely knew I was going to have BM issues early on. I already had to have a huge fight when picking my BP that I was not going to have his two nieces in it (whom at that point, I had STILL never met!!) because it would have left me with NINE bridesmaids - four of which from his family. One of the reasons I told everyone I was NOT having them was because his brother was the best man and would already have enough expenses to worry about. I didn't want to add more on his plate by having to pay for his daughter's to be involved on my side and instead asked them to do a reading and sing at the ceremony so they would be involved. So they all knew there would be expenses ahead based on that whole thing. I don't know why it is such a shock to them it's all coming up now.

mp375

I'm sooo sorry you have to deal with all of this drama!  I agree with PP, your mom should have planned to throw two showers and not spent all of her funds on your sister.  I'm sure that is very hurtful and I'm sorry you are being made feel that way.  You are definitely not a bridezilla!

M&R7111

I agree with PP

First I wondered why your mom dumped all her funds into you sister's shower
Second, your FMIL is not being fair either.  I agree with you - I would rather not have a shower if there was this much drama.

For your BMs that are making a fuss - I feel that BMs should pay for their "getting ready" expenses as long as the bride isn't making extravagant demands.    If someone wants to pick up the tab, then great!  Hair and nails is fine, make up is not necessary, though.  They can do their own make up for free.  They might be upset because they want other people to do their hair?

I was a little put off when my SIL's mom called to tell me they made an appointment to get my hair done at X and Y salon at X o'clock.  I have a hairdresser I know and trust right down the road, but I guessed her mom was paying so that's why she scheduled the appointment. Well, she wasn't paying.  So I had to pay to get my hair done at a place I didn't know, and I could have had it done cheaper with my hair lady.  But - I didn't make a fuss, oh well.

With the kid issue - I have a policy that infants can attend the wedding.  It is VERY hard to leave a very young child with a sitter that is not family (or even with family).
 I draw the line at toddlers.  If the kid can walk, it stays home.

lmparlett

As far as the showers go... I see it from a different POV.  I am orignally from AZ and there its very common for girls to have more that one shower. They usually have 2+ small showers (i.e. one family, one friends) and the showers there are never a surprise.  So the concept of your MIL throwing a shower for just her family isn't weird to me. However, your mother and sister should be invited.  Then, a girlfriend could throw a "friend shower."  In AZ we always have showers at peoples homes as well, instead of a restaurant.  Would you be opposed to a house shower?  That would definintely save your BMs some money.

As for the babies,  I would prob do what previous post said and allow the infants.  I had a cousin bring their infant to a no-child wedding, and I didn't even know they were bringing him... until that day!!

GL

Rangergirl

The thing with the hair and makeup was because we are getting ready at a hotel near the hall... it's not technically an out of town wedding (we're only about an hour away) but several BM's are from out of town and it is January so rather than get ready up there and travel down there in our dresses, my fiance and I are hosting a brunch for the entire bridal party at the hotel at 11am so everyone is fed before our long day and then getting ready together at the hotel. The photographer is also coming then to get everything and everyone together... That was why I was a bit offended when they said they didn't care to participate in getting ready with who we were having come down. The makeup isn't mandatory or anything like that, they can definitely do their own. Same with nails... the only thing I wanted done by a professional was hair and I am looking for the most reasonable fee I can find (right now we found someone who does $40 for hair or $60 for both - nothing I would be shocked at having to pay.)

The thing with my mom was definitely a big drama that I did not want to have to deal with. It just escalated into a HUGE fight the last two days since I wrote this post... As is stands I honestly don't even want the shower now because the surprise and fun of it all was totally removed for me and knowing how much drama and fighting has caused is just going to make me bitter. Who knows.

Thank you for all your comments though. I do feel a little better knowing I wasn't overreacting or turning into one of those wenches on WE!

Tula214

I agree with PP that you are NOT be unreasonable.

It was rude for your mother to throw such a big party for your sister, and do nothing for you. I also think both sides of the family, and your friends should be invited to your party.

I was always told that your BMs pay for there own dresses, hair, makeup, etc. and help to pay for and plan your shindigs.

As for the size of your wedding party... YOU are paying so YOU pick how many attendants you have. If your FI has an issue with it, maybe you two should compromise. This may solve the problem with the cheapos...

If you don't want children, babies, toddlers at your reception then that's that. I'm sure there's someone who can watch a baby.

BoldHart

I feel so abd for your situation. I'm having similar children issues with family as well, it seems to be a very touchy subject although I remember a few family weddings I wasn't invited to that were 'adult only' and my parents never made a fuss.  Planning your wedding is supposed to fun, I'm sorry you are not having that experience.

JenGin74

You should copy & paste and post this on the Etiquette board.

lcalletta

Wow! I feel so bad that you're dealing with this during such an importatnt time in your life. I have been in more wedding then I care to mention (have u ever seen 27 dress?) and it was always assumed that the bridal party pays for the shower & their preparation. We never asked for anything from the MOB or MOG. Also, your friend can get a babysitter for 1 night. WTF? Are these people crazy? You are the most important person that day, and until that day. Do what makes you happy!

[Deleted User]

Totally agree.  I actually thought it was completely inappropriate for either mother to actually give the shower; this should be done by friends or a more distant relative (cousin, aunt, etc) and, of course, the bridal party.  Mothers are usually involved in the planning, but do not officially give the shower.  I have been in a couple of weddings and would NEVER do it again because all I did was write checks - shower, shoes, gifts, etc..  And, of course, there is no limit to the number of showers you can have.  Several small showers might actually be more fun allowing you to have a kitchen shower, lingerie shower or whatever. 

You are not being unreasonable, and I wouldn't hesitate telling the bridesmaids who don't want to play by the rules to leave the party.  When you accept the "honor" of being in the bridal party, you should know it's going to cost plenty.  The option is to decline.  On the flip side, if the bride knows that some or any of her attendants are having a tough time financially, keep the expenses as modest as possible, but as a bridesmaid, I would  have been really upset for a number of reasons if the bride insisted I have my hair or makeup done by someone of her choosing. 

I also agree showers should be at home.  They're supposed to be fun gatherings with female friends and family to help the new couple get started.  If the people giving the shower can afford a nice restaurant or a more upscale venue, fine, but the fun should be in the get together not the locale.

What I'm really thinking is you have issues beyond bridesmaids and showers, and you and your fiance need to have a long, heart-to-heart talk about all of the issues and rethink your wedding plans.  If current plans are destroying the family, perhaps you need to consider options other than a formal wedding so you don't have to deal with uncooperative attendants, mother issues, etc.  Above all this should be a romantic day you and your husband will look back on with warm memories.   The way things are going now, you're just going to be glad when it's over.