Mother is driving me CRAZY

arizonatea

I live with my mother because I'm 18. I'm getting married in December and I don't know how I'm going to last another 283 days in this house! Sometimes she'll be excited for planning the wedding and then she'll pull a power trip like I'm 13. I don't blow up on her because that obviously wouldn't look too mature, but I'm losing it.

When I talk to her about the whole military lifestyle I'm getting in to, my worries about not fitting in, how I'm missing FI who is on the other side of the country, she seems...midly disinterested. Like she doesn't really care. It's hurting my feelings

Do you have any suggestions for coping? I have 9 and half more months of this.

(Please do NOT tell me about how I'm making a mistake because I'm so young. This is a message board not an intervention!)

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_mother-driving-crazy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:02917e81-2d3a-4cbd-b775-38e59540f793Post:e964f094-3211-4d02-ad7e-94f05ff9733c">Mother is driving me CRAZY</a>:
[QUOTE]I live with my mother because I'm 18. I'm getting married in December and I don't know how I'm going to last another 283 days in this house! Sometimes she'll be excited for planning the wedding and then she'll pull a power trip like I'm 13. I don't blow up on her because that obviously wouldn't look too mature, but I'm losing it. When I talk to her about the whole military lifestyle I'm getting in to, my worries about not fitting in, how I'm missing FI who is on the other side of the country, she seems...midly disinterested. Like she doesn't really care. It's hurting my feelings Do you have any suggestions for coping? I have 9 and half more months of this. <strong>(Please do NOT tell me about how I'm making a mistake because I'm so young. This is a message board not an intervention!</strong>)
Posted by arizonatea[/QUOTE]

<div>You're right, this is a message board.  Which means people can answer however they want.  And telling them how you want them to answer doesn't usually go over very well.  And yes, I do think you are too young.</div><div>
</div><div>Regardless, your mom is probably very much hurting right now.  You are only 18 years old, which while to you that is an adult and old enough to get married, you are still her "baby," and are not old enough for it.  So I'm sure not only is she hurting because her baby is getting married, you are also (I'm assuming) moving across the country from her since your FI is stationed there.  So she is full of probably anger, sadness, and frustration if she doesn't think you are old enough to get married either.  I was 26 when I got married and moved across the country, and my mom had a very difficult time with it.  I can't imagine how she would feel if I did it at 18.</div><div>
</div><div>Try and understand where your mom is coming from, and cut her some slack.  I'm sure she does't like how much you are fighting either, especially if you have limited time together.  Try sitting down and having an adult conversation with her about it.  Tell her that you don't want to spend all of this time fighting and arguing, and maybe you shouldn't talk so much about the wedding with her.  </div>

Drew&Michelle

I understand, I am 22 and living with my parents because it is saving my fiance' and I a lot of money with him living on base and me living at home. I find myself at work or at my friends' or siblings' homes most of the time. I will agree with Beach, I think you really need to think about how young you are. I have been with my fiance' for four years and have seen many couples in the military who were high school sweethearts, they have a very hard time. This is not an easy lifestyle, no matter how old you are. Consider pre-marital counseling, it will be offered through the base chaplain or your church leader. Good luck dear. I am sure your mom is very worried about you and she loves you very much.

iluvmytxrgr

I agree with Beach.  You are your mom's baby.  You haven't even begun to live your life and you are planning to get married to a military man and move across the country.  Of course she is upset.  What mom wouldn't be? 
I'm sure your mother is aware of many of the things military families go through.  What are you going to do when he deploys and you are on the other side of the country?  What if y'all end up moving to Japan or another foriegn country?  How are you going to handle being so far away from your family?  What if he comes home injured?  How will you deal with that?  I love my husband very much, but I don't know that 18 yr old TX would have been able to handle taking care of him the way I had to when he was shot a few years ago.  These are only some of the things your mom is worried about.  Give her a break. 
Trying to look mature does not equal being mature.  If you truely want to be mature about this, sit down and talk to your mom.  Don't get angry or huffy when she says things you don't like.  Just sit down and listen to her.  Pay attention to what she says.
Let her say her peace.  Then you can talk.  Don't be deffensive.  Tell her what you worry about.  Thank her for loving you enough to be honest with you.  She's your mom.  She doesn't want to fight with you.   

PatientPixie

I think you're getting a lot of good input here. Being young is a very important thing to think about, especially with marrying into the military. You have made a big decision, so always remember that keeping a good support network is VERY IMPORTANT!
That being said, my mother still does the same thing to me sometimes. But, she has also made me think quite a bit about what I am getting myself into. All mother's just want their little girls to be okay and well taken care of, no matter how old we get. She may not be ready to admit that you are growing up and starting your own life.
Sit down with your mom and tell her exactly what you posted here. It could help start a much needed conversation between the two of you. Figure out what might be bothering her and tell her your concerns in earnest. If you can clear the air, you may find yourself having an even better relationship with your mom.

kyrgyzstan

I'll be honest, my Mom was SUPER disinterested when I got married at 20, because she knew I was too young. 

She's super psyched about my marriage/wedding now that I am 26, both because it's the right guy, and I'm now the right Stan, after living on my own and graduating from college.

calindi

I feel like ALL 18 year olds have those struggles with their parents - from the moments of having an adult friendship with your parents to having your parents treat you like you're just 13 (and to be honest, every 18 year old has moments where they ACT like they're still 13).  Getting married can only make these worse!  More stress, more conflict, more money.  Yep, sounds like a nightmare.

I know the year before I left for college, I fought with my parents all the time.  And when we weren't fighting, there were some great moments where there were glimpses of what has become an awesome adult friendship as I've grown older. 

But there are definitely power struggles with any 18 year old still living at home.  You think you're all grown up, don't need any more parenting, and want to do things your own way.  She thinks you're still living at home, under her roof, while she pays the bills, so she gets the final say... and ultimately, she's right.  And as someone who lives under her roof and doesn't pay your own bills, you really don't know yet what it is to be an independent adult (I don't want to hear that you 'pay for your own phone bill' because that's not balancing income and expenses to run a household...it's a lot more complicated, and involves car payments, paying off your credit cards, electricity, water, sewage, garbage disposal, taxes - city, state, federal, vehicular, property, rent, etc.  It's a lot more than one or two bills).  That's not to say you're not ready - you very well might be, but only time (and experience) will tell.

So part of this might well be normal 18 year old conflict with parents.  It's normal, and part of the growing up phase.  The other part might be that she has legitimate concerns, too, and so when you talk about how nervous you are with regards to becoming a military spouse, she can't just pat you on the head and say everything's going to be all right.  She's probably thinking, "So what do you want me to say here?  You chose this situation!"  So she seems disinterested because she doesn't want to engage you in that conversation.  My best advice is to not talk to her about your worries - it'll only make her worry more for you.  Talk to a priest or minister if you go to church, talk to a therapist.  Heck, come on here and talk to us!  But give your poor Mom a break.  It's hard enough for any Mom to deal with their little girl growing up and moving out.  It's also another hard adjustment for a Mom to deal with her daughter becoming a wife.  And it's a major adjustment to have your daughter become a military spouse.  She's going through a lot right now, too.

Also, Moms pulling power trips during weddings aren't limited to 18 year olds.  Some Moms just have certain ideas for how they want the wedding to go, and if they're paying, they get a say. 

natalieervin

I am also 18 and will be getting married in May. My parents are very supportive since they got married at the same age and have been together for 29 years, so that helps my situation. That being said I agree with Calindi. I think that any mom is going to have problems with letting their daughter go. When they have to watch them go across the country it has to be a million times harder than just taking them to their college dorm.

My mom and I talk alot about how she feels about everything, which helps a ton! That way I don't get upset when she gets upset. My mom and I are very close and I am litterally the last child in the house. Definately just talk to your mom and let her tell you everything that she wants to say. Don't interrupt, or get mad, just listen. Then when she gets done, you can talk calmly to her. Honestly the best advice I can give is to just talk to eachother no matter what. I hope it helps! And good luck in your marriage!