Help!

LittleMissCharlie

My FI and I got engaged over Christmas, He is in the military and going to be deployed here shortly...He wants to be very involved in planning and I want him to be involved so we have decided to try and do most of the planning before he is deployed but he never has time to plan and gets mad when he thinks I am making choices with out him. (We are both in different states so everything is by email, phone or skype....) I have tried to work on the guest list and asked him to make time and it always gets put off because he has other things to do, I dont mind that he has other things to do and completely understand thathe doesnt have time but how am I supposed to get anything done when he is always busy... I feel like I am stuck because he wont let me plan with out him and he doesnt have time to do it... any suggestions on how to handle this?

kaynix21

Have you straight up said, 'what can I do, you want to be involved, but you dont have time, how can I make this work for both of us?'

Maybe work on things, and offer him suggestions/choices. Talk to him about your guest lists and say, make me al ist when you can, I'm going to ask your mom and my mom for theirs and make my own. I'd like them by this date XXX so I can start looking at venues that will hold a certain amount of people, etc. Then I'll show you the venues I found and we'll look at them online together and start narrowing it down.

Even if you have a decision decided, give him options to look at and think about.

LittleMissCharlie

I havent exactly said that but I have given him deadlines and he just blows right past them and says he is too busy, he has even given himself deadlines and he cant stick to those either.... I have done the suggestions thing but he says that he wants to see everything I look at so I send it to him and he is too busy to look at it or says he doesnt see anything he likes. As for the guest list, I got all of the lists together put them in a spreadsheet and was going through my families list (its huge my dad is LDS so lots of kids) and narrowing it down and he got really upset that he wasnt included in that.

We are both difficult and stubborn people but I feel like this is getting out of hand... I mean he has time to rock climb and stuff but not to help out and I cant go head on my own because then he doesnt get a choice (even when I send him several to pick from) I have finally just gone ahead and picked my dress and other things he has no say in.

Last night I told him that he either needed to make time or give up his choices and trust me to plan something we will both enjoy and all he said was Okay. I feel like I am being a brat but whatelse is there to do? I really want him to feel included but I dont get that he really cares about stuff.. Which is fine I just want it to be okay that I am moving forward and him to feel like he is helping...

We tried doing that list of what is important to us in the wedding but his list never got done.

fallingobsession

I had a similar problem. My FH also wanted to help a whole lot, buuuut since he is based overseas, and I'm in a different state then where we're getting married, he ended up giving me full reign to do what I needed to when the opportunity came.  It's part of the military thing.  You both have to give up things you want to be together. Ask his opinions when you can, but you also can't wait forever for him to get back to you.  I understand how crazy it is trying to plan from different locations, but the best you can do is take pictures of something, send it to him so he is aware of what's going on and if he doesn't like it, return it.  Or if it's a venue show him a website or something. He'll eventually learn that he just can't be as involved as he wants, or if he doesn't learn that, suggest moving the wedding date so that you CAN plan it together.

My FH is currently picking an off-base house for us in Europe, and I told him I wanted to help by seeing pictures of the place and what not.  We lost a place today, so he just told me, "I understand you want to help pick the place, but I really can't do that.  If I see a place that meets our needs and has most of the things we want, I'm going to sign for it. I can't wait, or else it will be gone." He's absolutely right. It sucks b/c I wanted to be a part of it, but to be military means giving up lots of things that we want...

fallingobsession

Well... Then... You have to consider something: He is military. So coming back home and seeing his friends and family is the one thing he has probably been wanting to do the MOST since he left. It is important to him. ESPECIALLY if he's leaving for a year.  He wants to spend as much time with everybody who wants to.  

Idk how far out your wedding is, but he also has to understand it's just as important to plan the wedding.  If he's that headstrong on being a part of it, then he absolutely has to make time for it. But if it's a year or more away, let him enjoy his time with his friends and family before he leaves and worry about planning the wedding a little later.  Get the important stuff - the date, his guest list, and what he wants down so that you have somewhere to start, and then heavily rely on emails for his opinion once he's gone. It can be done.

LittleMissCharlie

Well we do date nights on Friday nights (we watch the same movie at the same time and talk about it so when we finally live together we will have double of every movie ha ha) and have decided that there is no wedding talk on date nights because date night is for us both to relax and reconnect after our weeks... So we do spend time not talking about wedding stuff.

Last night was hopefully a breakthrough there was an argument because he feels like he has done tons of stuff to help and I dont feel like he has done much of anything but he said he would like to talk about wedding planning on Saturday! So hopefully we can get our guest list done and I can then move on with other parts of the planning process.

We want to have our wedding on June 25, 2011... Its the half way mark between our birthdays! Living in Utah and wanting to get married in June means I have to have a venue book a year in advance as well as most of the other details , I have called some places and they are already booked so I feel a little rushed which I am sure doesnt make it easier on him. I am by no means easy to deal with but thanks for your help and hopefully we will get planning this weekend!

kaynix21

Well I'm glad you talked to him about it some more and hope he follows through with your discussions today.

LittleMissCharlie

Well we talked about it and it was great until he started listing the things he doesnt want like he doesnt want to send save the dates, he doesnt want engagment photos (I told him they were important to me and he said fine as long as they do not go in the invites) He doesnt want a band or DJ, He doesnt want flowers or decorations, he only wants a one lay cake with nothing on it .... and I am to send the invites out 6 months before the wedding and have one month to RSVP and those with out RSVPs in at that time are not allowed at the wedding.... he is driving me crazy, we are inviting a 175 people and what are they supposed to do the whole time? I asked him what he wanted the wedding/reception to be like and he just said simple and relaxed.... I feel like if he has it how he wants itll be like a prision wedding!