Keeping him involved during a deployment

matcha

I'm engaged to a soldier who's in the middle of his deployment.  We are getting married this coming summer and I'm struggling keeping him involved.  You all know how it is- he's pulled in a zillion different directions and can't control his schedule.  I've given him some specific tasks to help with, but its hard to keep him involved and informed.  Any suggestions?

ggirl2001

H was deployed for majority of planning. I generally sent him links to stuff that I liked and was thinking about doing/getting and waited for his feedback. I didn't really give him specific tasks since I figured being deployed would be too difficult, but I always asked his feedback for things or asked if he had anything he wanted (which there wasn't). But he always knew what I was doing/ordering before I did it and we had discussed it before hand.

Beachy730

H wasn't deployed during planning, but we lived about 2 hours apart.  I did alot of wedding stuff during the week with my mom, and H and I would do some stuff on weekends when we were together.  I asked H in the beginning what he definitely wanted to be involved in.  His important things were the locations, the food, and the alcohol.  So I made sure to plan those things when he was home.  He ended up wanting to be involved in way more as they came up, but those were his main things.  

For other things like invitiations and flowers I would narrow it down to one or two choices and send him pics to see his opinion.  That way he knew what was happening and what we were picking, but didn't have to spend hours looking at things and narrowing things down.

SamiJoeB

My H didn't want any part of it.  He was like "I really don't care what color/kind of flowers, table linens, that we have. I just want to marry you".  Does he want to be super involved?  What kind of tasks are you asking him to do? I kind of feel like being depolyed is enough.. ya know? send him pics and stuff when you can, and if possible wait for his feedback.. Thats really all you can do..


ETA: My H did pick our menu.  That was the only thing he really cared about.. the food.

matcha

Thanks for the advice, ladies.  He says he wants to be involved, its just hard to make it work!  I gave him the photographer to choose since he loves photography, and he seems happy with it.  I send him links and stuff and get rather vague affirmatives. :-)

I guess I just wish I could be doing this with him physically present.  It would be so much more fun to sit and look at pictures together instead of over Skype (if I'm lucky).  I don't want this to be a "brides day" but an "us" day.  The six-hour time zone difference isn't helpful for that goal, however...

I guess I just miss him and wedding planning makes me miss him even more.

TaeLynne

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_keeping-him-involved-during-deployment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:12d49cfd-d413-437b-84ef-a3ca72e0241dPost:e4aaff8e-2541-44b9-8448-88527db87bc2">Re: Keeping him involved during a deployment</a>:
[QUOTE]H was deployed for majority of planning. I generally sent him links to stuff that I liked and was thinking about doing/getting and waited for his feedback. I didn't really give him specific tasks since I figured being deployed would be too difficult, but I always asked his feedback for things or asked if he had anything he wanted (which there wasn't). But he always knew what I was doing/ordering before I did it and we had discussed it before hand.
Posted by ggirl2001[/QUOTE]

This.

My FI has been gone since May and still isn't home quite yet. I have done basically everything alone but when I started something I would wait till we could skype and show him to make sure he liked it before I did 150+ of them (like invites, favor boxes, bubbles, ect)

I also email him stuff, send him pictures of things I find at craft stores and do everything I can to keep him involved. He picked the menu since food is his thing, he also put together the music list, timed it out and organized it so that way its ready when we meet with the DJ when he gets home. He also planned the honeymoon during his down time.

I know he feels terrible that I am stuck with all the tedious stuff and that he's not here to help but I am so thankful for the things he has been able to help with since I know it's not easy for him either.
And I totally understand the time difference, there is a 13 hour time difference between us so it kills me to have to sit there all day excited that I found something awesome but I have to wait all day for him to be awake to see it!

calindi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_keeping-him-involved-during-deployment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:12d49cfd-d413-437b-84ef-a3ca72e0241dPost:22453a5d-78b6-47d6-871d-4cf12703f7f7">Re: Keeping him involved during a deployment</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the advice, ladies.  He says he wants to be involved, its just hard to make it work!  I gave him the photographer to choose since he loves photography, and he seems happy with it.  I send him links and stuff and get rather vague affirmatives. :-) I guess I just wish I could be doing this with him physically present.  It would be so much more fun to sit and look at pictures together instead of over Skype (if I'm lucky).  I don't want this to be a "brides day" but an "us" day.  The six-hour time zone difference isn't helpful for that goal, however... I guess I just miss him and wedding planning makes me miss him even more.
Posted by matcha[/QUOTE]

Honestly, he might be more interested now than he would be at home.  Right now it's something that connects him to you - when he's home, it might be something that keeps him from playing video games.  Haha, but seriously!

My guy likes that we're getting married, knows what's going on at any point, but we rarely talk wedding stuff.  Maybe once a week or so, obviously more up front when we were still hiring vendors.  He made it clear - he wants to marry me, he wants to wear his blues, he wants a say in the food, and he wants these people invited (had to pull teeth to get him to give me a list, though.  And getting full names and addresses and significant others' names was a nightmare!).  Oh, and he wants to create a "do-not-play" list for the DJ.  Other than that, he wants as little to do with it all as possible. 

crownsuperstar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_keeping-him-involved-during-deployment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:12d49cfd-d413-437b-84ef-a3ca72e0241dPost:1754889a-b24a-4bc3-8e37-2e3e02a3a6dd">Re: Keeping him involved during a deployment</a>:
[QUOTE]My H didn't want any part of it.  He was like "I really don't care what color/kind of flowers, table linens, that we have. I just want to marry you".  Does he want to be super involved?  What kind of tasks are you asking him to do? I kind of feel like being depolyed is enough.. ya know? send him pics and stuff when you can, and if possible wait for his feedback.. Thats really all you can do.. ETA: My H did pick our menu.  <strong>That was the only thing he really cared about.. the food.
</strong>Posted by SamiJoeB[/QUOTE]

Yeah here too!!! The H didn't really care about the flowers.  He thought they were all the same.  The music he said it was my choice however he did go to that meeting with me.  He did however want a lot of imput in the food and the bar selection. 

crownsuperstar

Calindi-  I am glad I was not the only one with the adresses.  I swear for me that was the most stressful part.  Our convo about this:

Me: I need X's wife's name.  Do you have it ?
H: It is like A or B or something like that.
Me: Great.  I will just say X and A or B or something like that.

End convo!

tr9361a

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_keeping-him-involved-during-deployment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:12d49cfd-d413-437b-84ef-a3ca72e0241dPost:7409b7ec-8686-428f-8995-b0bd1b50aad6">Re: Keeping him involved during a deployment</a>:
[QUOTE]Calindi-  I am glad I was not the only one with the adresses.  I swear for me that was the most stressful part.  Our convo about this: Me: I need X's wife's name.  Do you have it ? H: It is like A or B or something like that. Me: Great.  I will just say X and A or B or something like that. End convo!
Posted by crownsuperstar[/QUOTE]

I usually do not post on here, but I had to respond to this because it actually made me laugh out loud! FI has been doing the same thing, and since he has phone service at most a few hours a day, it's hard to actually get the information.

In response to the original post, something that has worked for me that might work for you is to keep a list near you where you usually get to talk to him--each time you talk, you could ask him a few of the more "administrative" questions.  That can take some of the stress off your back about making decisions while keeping him involved at the same time.  Best of luck!!

calindi

Ugh, my FI was like, "And I want to invite my friends Harry and Raff." 

Me:  "Okay, what are their full names?"

FI:  "I dunno.  Just Harry and Raff."

Me:  "Okay, is it Harold or Harrison or something?  Is Raff short for Raffael?  What are their last names?  And do they have significant others to invite?"

FI:  "I dunno. Just write them to Harry and Raff."

Me:  "Where do they live?"

FI:  "New York City."

Me:  "Great, I'll put on the address 'Harry in New York City' and 'Raff in New York City'.  I'm sure that will work."

crownsuperstar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_keeping-him-involved-during-deployment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:12d49cfd-d413-437b-84ef-a3ca72e0241dPost:5f80003c-14db-4a2f-baaa-0d5d9a9001c5">Re: Keeping him involved during a deployment</a>:
[QUOTE]Ugh, my FI was like, "And I want to invite my friends Harry and Raff."  Me:  "Okay, what are their full names?" FI:  "I dunno.  Just Harry and Raff." Me:  "Okay, is it Harold or Harrison or something?  Is Raff short for Raffael?  What are their last names?  And do they have significant others to invite?" FI:  "I dunno. Just write them to Harry and Raff." Me:  "Where do they live?" FI:  "New York City." Me:  "Great, I'll put on the address 'Harry in New York City' and 'Raff in New York City'.  I'm sure that will work."
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

Haa I also has converstaions like that as well and I also got the "but I think they are PSCing but I don't know when."  It took a lot of Pino for me during the invite part! <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" />

calindi

I thought Lulu was kidding when she talked about sending invites to "Aunt Mary in Australia" or something... but nope, these guys really don't give you any more information to go on!