New to the board - looking for some advice

cescob01

Hi All,
I've read a few of the posts on this board and it seems like you are all a great group of ladies who support each other through such a unique experience as being a military bride. My fiance (Navy) is currently deployed (won't give numbers), but I was hoping you might have some tips and tricks to share on how to cope with deployment. I really don't have any friends in the military community (fiance and I have been long-distance for three years), so I'm struggling to find ways to cope without really being able to share this with my girlfriends.
Would love to hear from you!

lrh17

Hi and welcome!  I'm pretty new to the board too

I have not yet experienced a deployment with my H, but I think the most common advice given to a question like this is to STAY BUSY! Do you go to school?  Or work?  Any new hobbies you'd like to get into? 

H is gone on TDY.  I absolutely hate working out, but I decided to make it one of my goals to hit the gym a couple times a week and really work on my fitness.  It occupies time, and is a nice distraction.  Plus it helps me feel good about myself and I know H really values physical fitness so I'm trying!  I find that in general, establishing a routine has helped me deal with the seperation. 

I also have very few friends in the military community, which is why I am trying to get more involved on this board.  I understand that it's tough being surrounded by people who do not always know what you're going through.  I find that even though my friends do not understand much about what I'm dealing with, I can at least count on them for a fun night out to lift my spirits!

ggirl2001

Honestly, your friends don't need to be a part of the military community to give you support. If they are good friends, you can still talk to them about it. I actually have very few girlfriends in the military community. My H and I were long distance for 2 1/2 years, including deployment before marriage. I did the things I would normally do, just without him. I worked, went out with friends, planned vacations, worked out, etc. Sure at times I would get sad, but only for a day or so, I would allow myself that day, and then continue on with my life. 

Jack2012

Well first of all welcome!

As for ways to cope.. I'm sure you guys skype but if not it's an awesome way to keep in touch and actually SEE him.  Depending on where he's at sometimes it's just not going to be possible to get a good connection so just be prepared for that.  If he hasn't looked into it yet he can get a "google phone number."  I've never used it but for our pre-deployment training we had computer folks come in and explain it.  Basically it's his own internet version of a cell phone, you can call it and leave a voice mail message if he isn't by his computer to answer.

   Besides communication my best advice for you is to stay as busy as you can.  I'm not saying go crazy and over work yourself but the more things you have going on the less time there will be in the day of just missing him.

Also, your friends may not be able to understand all of what your going through but friends are still friends and I'm sure they are going to want to be there for you in whatever way they can.

Hope some of that was helpful

cescob01

Thanks for the communication suggestions! Unfortunately, none are really an option for us. Fiance is on a sub, which has turned out to mean zero communication. I wasn't quite expecting that, and it's ben a bit tougher than I had thought.

My girlfriends are fantastic - they really are a wonderful support system. They've been there so much for me in the past few months (my family has recently been overrun by illnesses, deaths and accidents) and I am so eternally grateful and appreciative of all of them. It's been tough to not be able to ask them for questions or advice about military-specific things. Right now, I've been relying on the boat's newsletter for advice and suggestions for communication and information about our sailors.

Also, I appreciate the suggestions for keeping busy; I'm trying to do so and it helps to know others get through it by keeping busy!

crownsuperstar

Hello and welcome. I agree with GG about the friends. My h is currently deployed and without my core group of friends I don't think I could get through it. They have kept me busy and that makes it so much easier. I have remained working and that again makes it raiser. I would also suggest setting events to look forward to. For example train for a race or take an art class.

CAB1217

Hi Cescob! Welcome to the board! Everyone has given some great advice here on how to deal. You've got to keep busy!

Stick around the board! You can keep busy with us! Let's start off with your wedding plans and a little more about yourself!

bezelpup

FI is in the NG. We are halfway through his first deployment and I'm doing better than I thought I would. If I sit around and think how the hell am I going to do this, I fall apart. So I keep busy. We live 4 hours from the armory he is currently assigned to, so I haven't been able to participate in many of the meetings they hold there for the families. Wedding planning has been a great unexpected distraction! He surprised me with a ring while on leave! It puts me in the mindframe of thinking about our future, not just thinking about when he's coming home.

kyrgyzstan

I work 40-50 hours a week, so if you work, pick up OT if you can. That has really helped this trip fly by. I also took up volunteering at the same place my H did before he left, which means I really only have one day to mope, and I'm too busy not working to do any of that. My number one piece of advice is to approach all future deployments with as much excitement as you can (I know it sounds nuts). I just made a decision that I wasn't going to be upset about it, and any time someone tried to feel bad for me, or apologize, or whatever, I was going to say, "Oh no. We're really excited for this deployment! I get to watch all the crap tv I want!" Or whatever. H and I will have put away 10k in an SDP by the time he gets back (10% interest, I'm not sure how it works for sea deployments in the Navy, but it's at least worth a look into), along with paying off my car and a few other things. I'm not scrimping, but my H is expensive, so we've cut our bills way down. Yay!

There have been days that have been hard. My H flies, and so whenever there's a crash, it's a really rough day. I know this might sound insane, but because our communication is so limited because of their flight mission (not anything like a sub amount of limited communication), I have a google alert for Afghanistan crash. I check it when he doesn't call on schedule, and if there's no crash, I know he's just busy or stuck somewhere. If there is a crash, I go into info gathering mode, and then I let myself mourn the victims. I know how crazy that sounds, I do, but it's me being proactive in a small way, which is how I stay sane. Plusalso, my ILs feel the need to text me every time there's any kind of incident in country, and I do NOT want to find out from them that something happened to my H. 

Rethany

Welcome!

I haven't gone through a deployment with FI but I've gone through him being gone for a few months at a time for various different schools here and there.  Whenever he is gone I tend to keep myself busy and not sit around counting the minutes until he gets home!

PP's gave some great advice!  Trust these ladies, they know what they're talking about

CowboyLvr

Normally I'm the one deployed. . .but last year it was the other way around. . .what an adjustment!  In addition to staying busy, writing letters and making care packages helped on both ends.  He loved getting hand written cards/letters, and boxes filled with baby wipes, and other hygiene products, as well as beef jerky, microwaveable soups (don't need a microwave to eat, and better than MREs ) and other snacks/food that would last through the heat/travel time.  When I was writing/filling boxes, I felt closer  to him. . .can't quite explain. . .but it really helped.

ashmarie92

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_new-to-the-board-looking-for-some-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:144f245f-ac82-4129-945e-1a9a3fb700c6Post:31b51937-cf4b-42ef-9a95-c973f5a36bc9">Re: New to the board - looking for some advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, your friends don't need to be a part of the military community to give you support. If they are good friends, you can still talk to them about it. I actually have very few girlfriends in the military community. My H and I were long distance for 2 1/2 years, including deployment before marriage. I did the things I would normally do, just without him. I worked, went out with friends, planned vacations, worked out, etc. Sure at times I would get sad, but only for a day or so, I would allow myself that day, and then continue on with my life. 
Posted by ggirl2001[/QUOTE]

This is pretty much exactly what I was thinking. Most of my friends are in non military relationships, had one that was in the same situation as me and guess who stuck by me? My regular friends! Me and the other girl aren't even friends anymore. I think the reason is, military fiances/wives/gfs whatever tend to let themselves dwell on the fact that they're in a military relationship, If your fiance wasnt in the navy, I know you'd still love him and marry him. But anyways I digress lol. I've been through one 10 and a half month deployment and it was rough sometimes, but at one point I worked three jobs (back down to one full time one thank goodness) I worked out all the time, I sharpened up my cooking skills, I read a lot of books, I hung out with my friends just doing normal things, the key really is to keep busy though, time will fly I promise!

cescob01

Thanks everybody for the advice! I actually started running again (when I have time) and have been feeling a bit better about it. Plus, I'm helping out my aunt with her three girls for the rest of the month, so I'm hauling around 3 teenagers until the end of March!
CAB - in response to your post - having our wedding on the Jersey Shore (nothing like the MTV show, promise). Church ceremony then a Yacht Club reception. Really playing up the whole nautical theme (appropriate since fiance is USN). Had my second dress fitting this week - fits like a glove, but is a pain to do since I have to go all the way into NYC to see the seamstress.
Looking forward to participating on the board, even though I'm a little late to take this up!