Irritated

Alice and Les

small vent and in need of a little advice
So about two months ago FI and I decided that a big wedding wasn't for us. My family (aunts and cousins) hate me because I am my grandparents favorite and FI isn't one for large groups of people. So we decided to go with June 18th 2011 and we would be married on the pier and have a small reception at our favorite restaurant near by. It was going to be our immediate family (grandparents, parents, siblings and my uncle) and our wedding party. It was going to be small and sweet, 500$ budget. Then we would have a party for everyone a year later (yes everyone would know we were married). Nothing big just something to make my parents happy.
THEN about 4 days my parents decide they want to invite the WHOLE family, which is 96 people. plus our orginial guest list puts us at 119 people -_-. I tried explaining to my mother several times that this is not what FI and I wanted. She keeps talking about family obligation and that it would start a "war" between us and the aunts for not inviting them.
Am I wrong for wanted a small wedding? I mean, these aunts have made my life hell since I can remember. It's not like we weren't going to do something for them anyway at a later time.
So now I have 30 days to make a wedding for 119 people.
Sigh* at least I will be marrying my FI

kyrgyzstan

No, you're not wrong for wanting a small wedding. What you're wrong for is not saying NO to your mom until she got it. This wedding is your wedding and your FI's, and you were paying for what you wanted. Which is how it should be. And now you have really risked hurting your FI and his family. I assume the inclusion of 96 people doesn't include FI's family?

I don't know if you can undo it, but if my mom completely disregarded me like that, there's a decent chance it would damage our relationship irreparably. 

Alice and Les

no the 96 isn't his family. his family was apart of the original guest list. He has a small family they are only 9 of them.
I did tell her no, but she insisted that it would cause more problems by not inviting them. My granny refuses to go unless my aunts go which is why I am having a hard time putting my foot down. I love my grandmother, she is like a mother to me and I want her there.
Eloping looks so good right about now lol

kyrgyzstan

I'm sorry, I'm confused. His whole family (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) were part of the original list? I'm trying to get across that if certain levels (i.e. aunts/cousins) on your side are invited, it's kind of a risk IMO not to invite the same levels on FI's side. They could end up hurt. Or the small family he has invited could get overwhelmed at the wedding and end up miserable because your family starts the dramz.

I think that if your grandmother isn't understanding, then maybe you need to have more of a talk with her. I just got a card from my grandmother yesterday with addresses for family I needed to invite. She thought I wasn't an inviting my aunt because I didn't ask for her address. She said, "please reconsider inviting Aunt So and So, it would mean a lot to me and she always feels so left out". Nothing about not coming, et cetera. I wrote her back and said I wouldn't have even considered excluding my aunt. But I genuinely believe my grandmother would tell me she disapproved of my actions and still come if I didn't invite my aunt. I'm sad your grandmother wouldn't react that way.

I'm sad for you that you're not getting to have the wedding you wanted. Your tiny affair sounded like it cut the guest list pretty fairly. I probably would elope in that situation.

calindi

Pay for everything yourself and put a firm foot down with Mom. Tell her if anyone gives her crap to just tell them she had nothing to do with it and it was how you and your FI wanted it.

firsttimersluck

We're having our ceremony/reception this September but my FI's parents want a 2nd reception (oi) over Christma so that the people that couldn't travel to celebrate could then. We think it's a little strange but it's all them with the planning and paying, so we're just staying out of it and letting her do waht she wants. I guess my only advice is, if you're not paying, you probably should just accept that your mom is going to throw the kinda party she wants.

Beachy730

I can definitely understand being upset with your mom for insisting you change the guest list so close. If you and your FI are posing you have control over the guest list. With that being said though, if I'm understanding right, I think your mom has a point. Your original small list was only your immediate family, but all of FI's family which is only 9 people. My H had a very small family too. We invited all aunts, uncles, and first cousins from both families. For H's side that was about 30, mine was about 90. We drew the same family lines, it just worked out that way, but why should my family have to suffer and miss out because H has a small one? I hope your mom is helping you pay for the large additions, and I do think its ridiculous for insisting a month away from the wedding. Try not to stress to much though. You could end up in a park doing a big hot dog and burger cookout, and still be just as married as a going to a nice dinner.

calindi

See, I'm on the flip side with uneven families.  My "must have" family list is about 50 people, which is a lot but not overwhelming for an average wedding size.  That includes aunts, uncles, cousins, and even a few second cousins and great-aunt/uncles who are important to us.  FI has literally 60 first cousins.  I'm not kidding.  Plus since they're mostly all grown, their significant others and children.  And he's got 26 aunts and uncles.  There's just no way!  But the main difference is that in my family, I've spoken to every single one of those 50 people in the last year, and seen almost all of them in the last two.  These are people I called to tell them that I was engaged in person rather than through the grapevine, every one of them.  FI hasn't spoken to some of his cousins in years - they don't get together for holidays, he never sees them, he couldn't even tell you all their names.

Families don't always work out evenly, either in numbers or closeness.  People just have different expectations of family.  In our case, we're keeping the numbers the same for each side, which I think is the most fair for us.  If my FI were close to all 60 cousins, that would be more difficult.

MissAnnThropee

Your mom really had no right to go against your wishes. This is your (and your FI's) wedding, not hers.

I say you invite who you would like to invite. If you don't have a good relationship with someone, I wouldn't invite them. It's as easy as that. I would call them beforehand and let them know that, yes, I am getting married. You also said that you'll be having a large party later on? I don't see why they would have any problem with missing the ceremony if they don't like you much.

Good luck!

Beachy730

Calindi I think it's completely different when families don't have relationships than when they are close.  I would never say to invite people you haven't talked to in years just because they are family.  It really is different for anyone.

Alice and Les

His family only consists of a father, mother, grandmother, 3 sisters and 2 nieces and a brother in law. That is his whole family.
the 96 extra people are aunts and ucles from my mother's and father's side, my cousins and a few of the cousins kids.
No my grandmother isn't understanding lol She is old fashioned and has deminita which makes her childish. So it's not easy to compromise with her. I am going to try the card part but it would be a little word since I live with her (taking care of her and my grandpa).
We are paying for everything ourselves, or were when it was the small wedding. My grandmother and mother are putting in all the extra cash since they are adding all the people. I just hope it doesn't look tacky -_-
I am stressing a little because now I have to find a hall for over 100 people. As it is I take care of my two terminally ill grandparents all by myself. I am going to have finals in a week.
sigh* I know my mother has no right, but I get her trying to keep peace. She doesn't want this big fight to happen when my grandparents don't have much time left. I know its a horrible thing to say but I don't care. It's our day and we want what we want. I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

ggirl2001

Can you compromise somewhere such as not inviting the cousins and cousins kids but only the aunts and uncles?

SamiJoeB

All my H's aunts are bat sh!t crazy. One of them wore a white wedding dress to her sons wedding. Another pushed my MIL off a balcony (2nd floor, she was fine). I have enough crazy with my mom (who also wore a white dress, though not a wedding dress, to my wedding). My mom doesn't speak to her sisters, and my dad's family just send gifts anyway. We only invited Cousins. Do the Aunts have issues with me? At first, but I charmed them with my sparkling personality. My wedding was mostly H family anyway. Just my immediate family came, but that was because we chose to get married the week before Christmas in WA (across the country from my extended family). I have no regrets. If you and your FI are paying for it, then then only people you have to please is you and your FI.