Military Brides

just a little rant....

We just got orders for my FI deployment. Not even two months after we're married he's shipping off for a year. We don't live on or near a base so there are very few people around us that understand what we're going through. I don't know where to turn basically. It hurts having to think of worst case scenerios and what I would do and have to do and all of that; basically planning for his death before we're even married. 

Re: just a little rant....

  • When H and I got married, he left 4 days after the wedding for a month, came back for 3/4 weeks and then deployed to AStan for 6/7 months. He came back for 3 months and then left for a crappy two month training that did nothing at all for his career enrichment at all. 

    It sucked. Of course it did. BUT, I'll tell you what, there really are some positives. 

    1) Financially, having him leave right away was great. I am super frugal and he is not. At his training right after the wedding, he couldn't even use his phone, let alone spend any money. We paid off my car, his truck, and put 10k into his SDP (which you should really look into if he's eligible We finally started contributing to his TSP (and it was tax free because he was in a combat zone). I was able to work a lot, which meant overtime and more money. We were able to max out both out Roth IRAs, and go on a honeymoon after he got home from the two month training. 

    2) I really got a chance to prove myself at work by working all that OT. We're moving this summer, and I get to put a great job and reference on my resume. Had he been home, I don't know that I would have been as able to focus on work so much.

    3) This sounds funny, but I got to eat what I wanted, watched whatever tv I wanted, and saw my friends when I wanted. If you have a dog, the dog will love you more, lol.

    Honestly, it's a one day at a time, think positively, force yourself to be positive about it, don't whine to everyone or let people feel sorry for you kind of thing. If you become a martyr, it will be harder, I promise. 

    Good luck and buck up! You can do this!

    I hate Dave Ramsey
  • It really is all about your out look.  Staying positive is my life saver.  My husband is on his 14th combat deployment.  Nine of those have been in the 7 years we've been together.  We discuss his wishes every year.  Honestly, we discuss my wishes if anything were to happen to me, as well.  It is a conversation that every couple should have here and there.  I was nearly killed by an 18 wheeler today.  Had it happened, he'd know exactly what I want.  
    Before every deployment, we also have very open conversations about our financial goals.  There is a good bit of extra money that comes in while he's gone.  We set goals for paying off any debt and putting money toward savings.  This trip, we are working on paying down a small amount of cc debt from housing improvements and paying down a car loan.  We are also putting a little bit of money aside for a trip with our kiddos.  
    As far as finding peers, there are a ton of support pages on the internet.  I've met some amazing women from this page and others who have become wonderful friends to me.  I hope they can say the same of me.  It's easy to become frustrated with people who don't understand how you feel.  Try not to let it get to you.  They don't know better.  Find people to lean on.  Find people who have been through it.  Ever new military wife should have an experienced wife for a mentor.  Even if it is one you've met online, it's better than nothing.  There is a page on FB called Army Wife Network.  I'm not sure what branch your husband is in, but these spouses are a wealth of knowledge.  They actually do huge tours to a number of bases every year and have an enormous following.  They've also written a book called 1001 Things to Love about Military Life.  I highly recommend it.  Does your husband's unit have an FRG?  I know the FRG for my unit was spread over three states because we were a Reserve unit.  However, they had a FB page where many of them talked, vented and were able to support each other.  Now that I'm out, I'm a key caller for the FRG of my husband's unit.  I have girls who have gone home during deployment.  We still all talk frequently.  They know they can call me any time of the day or night if they need something.  I tell them all not to pay any attention to what is reported in the news.  That being said, 4 of them called me today freaking out about an incident they saw on the news.  They knew to call me because, 1- I'm their source for information 2- I've been around the block.  Contact your FRG and get involved.  If there aren't key callers, volunteer.  It gives you a way to meet other wives in the unit.  
    Hang in there.  Deployments do suck.  I have poor me moments, we all do.  However, you can't dwell on them.  It is what you make of it.  
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  • My FI just got back in November from 9 months in Afghanistan, and during his deployment I moved to a new city by myself that is about and hour and a half from base.  Being "just" a girlfriend, I had no access to the military support network.  I also did not know any other military spouses/significant others who were going through the same thing and wasn't meeting any due to my far distance from post. 

    You'll make it through it!  I know it's hard to imagine now.  What kept me sane was focusing on keeping life here interesting....try new hobbies....cook a new a new kind of book...join a club and meet new people.  And I ignored all the "what if"s that were trying to run through my mind.  And when I really felt like I was going nuts and that no one understood what I was going through, I found a therapist whose son had been deployed. 

    Hang in there!  Deployment is a rollercoaster, but I found that at the end it was worth it because of HIM and because of what we have.  As hard as being with him is sometimes, being without him is harder.  So good luck!  And ENJOY the time you guys have before he leaves.  :) 

  • Getting married in may he's leaving in July forma Year this sucks! Just trying to stay positive about the whole thing! But yeah
  • Reading these posts, all I can think is, wow. Military spouses that stay behind have a big job..its daunting to think about spending that much time away from your other half. My FI and I are both active duty. I deployed last year, and he'll go this year. I am trying to decide if it was easier for me to be the one to go out, or the one to stay at home. Kind of wishing I could just go with! My only argument about being harder to stay at home is that you have to find things to take up your time. While I was deployed, I was so busy that it made the time fly. Sometimes I sit in bed when my FI is at work and think, should I just sit here and stare at this wall every free second that I have while he is gone? I am going to have to force myself to come up with some resemblance of a routine, and keep in the back of my mind that he'll have to be incorporated into it when he gets home. The bad part of the whole thing? I am in the denial phase. Running out of time, and I feel like it wont truly hit me that he is leaving until his plane takes off. This is bad. Need to get out of denial phase quickly and into "enjoy every moment together" phase asap.  Trust me when I say that there is one certainty through the whole thing...time will keep moving. That helped me get through my deployment. There was a light at the end of the tunnel and I would eventually get there, and it would feel amazing. And it did.

    Get good at the letter writing and deployment care packages. Made my day while I was deployed to get mail! Even stupid funny cards. Stock up now.  Try to make a goal. While I was gone, I made a goal to finish a semester of school and drop some pounds. I finished 15 credit hours and shed 40 pounds. Albeit I will be the one at home, I think having goals like that helps move that pesky time right along.

  • Deployment sucks.  My best friend has been married for 17 years to a Marine, and I knew that wasn't the life for me.  Cut to a year ago December, eHarmony matched me with the only man I went on a date with, and he's Army.  Figures!  LOL  Then a couple months into dating, he got his orders to deploy.  It was really tough especially since we'd only dated for a few  a months when he left, but now the majority of the deployment is over.  I think the time apart actually made us grow closer, so much so that he proposed when he came home over R&R.  Luckily he's planning on retiring in a few years, and he'll file papers immediately if they try to deploy him again (he's got 22 years in), so we're not going through this again.  I won't go through another deployment, but there are positives to it.  We will start our married lives debt-free, and be able to have a nice honeymoon in Hawaii thanks to his deployment money. 

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