Ms. Vicki from Military.com sounds off on a Cheating Hubby.

SamiJoeB

I just got this in my email and I thought I'd share. I posted the link, but I'm going to copy and paste the interesting part...

http://www.military.com/opinion/0,15202,234788,00.html?ESRC=family.nl

Dear Ms. Vicki,

I look to you for help right now because I don't know what to do. My friends can't really say anything that is going to help my situation and I don't want to discuss the matter with my family for fear of them looking down on my husband later in life. My husband and I have been married for just under a year now. We are both young. I'm 19 and he's about to turn 21. I do not regret the decision to marry right out of high school because I knew he was the one for me. Here's a little of our history... When we met he was a senior in high school and I was a sophomore. We instantly started dating and continued to date for about eight months. He was going off to boot camp for the Navy and said he couldn't handle a girlfriend at that point in time. Well after he left for boot camp I later found out that he'd been cheating on me with another girl my age that went to our school (we'll just call her Sally). I forgave him and we continued to talk off and on for the length of boot camp and even a year after that. Then in February of my senior year we started discussing me moving to be with him and getting married. After I graduated I did both.

We have had our good days and our bad days just like any other married couple. When we got married we had a little trouble with this Sally. They would talk and he'd lie to me about it until I found out and then he promised me he would tell me if she ever talked to him again. Recently I took a vacation and visited home. My husband could not get leave so he stayed behind. When I returned a week later while he was at work I was on his computer looking for a password I had saved (honestly was not snooping or looking for anything) when I stumbled across a not-so-clothed picture of Sally. When I asked him about the picture he insisted it was old and promised once again that he hadn't talked to this girl. Now I'm a pretty trustworthy person so I believed him. However, the next morning I woke up and still had that gut feeling I was being lied to. So I did the thing I know you're going to say I shouldn't have, but I got on Facebook and messaged the girl myself. I pretended to know everything saying "My husband showed me the pictures you sent," etc. We had this discussion and she openly admitted to sending that picture and talking to him while I had been back home. Then just to have cold hard proof before confronting my husband I logged on to his Facebook account, pretending to be him, and messaged her. She then told me on his account "Your wife must have looked through your phone. she knows," etc.

I confronted my husband once again later that morning and he started apologizing and crying, saying things like "I know I screwed up," "I know I have been a bad husband but let me make it better," "Don't leave me," etc. He even called Sally and told her he would not continue to talk to her because he did not want to ruin his marriage. Now I am a woman of faith and when I said my wedding vows I meant them. For better or worse, 'till death do us part. I want to be okay again; I want to be able to forgive him and trust him again, but he has broken my heart. How am I supposed to accept that he will not talk to her again this time? He's lied quite a few times about talking to this Sally. I just don't know how to go about solving this problem. Should we take time apart? Should we go to counseling? I know I can't just pretend like everything's okay again and I shouldn't have to, but I don't know how to be mad yet still try and make it work. Please, any advice you can give me is greatly appreciated. Thank you so much.

Sincerely,
Broken Hearted Wife

Dear Broken Hearted,

I think you should give your marriage a valiant effort. Especially since you believe he is the man of your dreams. I would also give great consideration to marriage therapy. A great therapist will be able to guide you with trust building exercises, etc. Listen, I believe a marriage can survive infidelity. However, your husband must be honest with himself. Is he really ready to settle down and be married, monogamous and faithful to you? This is what you deserve. So, ok you went on his Facebook and sent Sally a message. She fell right in, hook-line and sinker. But here's the deal: now that you know you have to do something, right? You can't pretend this didn't happen. Your husband will believe he can do this again and simply say "I'm sorry." He should be willing to participate in therapy and she should be willing to delete his FB account. He should also never contact Sally again; He shouldn't Facebook her, text, tweet …not anything! If you have to keep checking on him you will surely lose your self-esteem and self-worth. You deserve better. Let me know how you are doing since you wrote to me. Please keep in touch.

Sincerely,
Ms. Vicki

So ladies... Comments? Concerns?

calindi

I dunno... I'd never want to be in that situation.  I do believe once you're married, you try to make it work.  I'd go to counseling, try to trust again.  I believe that you can trust again after it's been broken, but it takes a long time to earn back trust, and the partner who is being distrusted has to understand that it doesn't mean they aren't forgiven and that the other person isn't trying to move forward, it's just part of the healing process.

This situation seems a bit extreme though - not only is he continuously contacting someone he has hooked up with before, he is actively lying about his interaction with her, even when caught.  With that much lying, I think I'd have to kick him to the curb if we were just dating.  And I'd contemplate divorce if we were married, but would put more work into it than if we were just dating.  I think whether I'd walk away or not based on the cheating depends on whether he actually did anything physical, even just kiss, after we had been together.  I think some guys just think of receiving pictures and chatting as harmless, like porn, and don't realize how hurtful it can be. 

LetsHikeToday

Ms. Vickie sounds smart to me :-)

However, I come from the place of if you cheat on me, I'm out. I don't care. Maybe it would be different if I were 19 or 20. I'm 29. If you cheat on me, see ya later. I have enough confidence and independence to know I could survive on my own. I don't need someone in my life who could do that to me.

I might sound harsh but it's my absolute you better not do that to me.

firsttimersluck

I'm a "make it work" kinda person too. I also believe in "policing" your loved one. The Today Show had a really interesting piece on it that kinda opened my eyes to it a while back... Fi and I have each others passwords, look at each others phones when we gets texts, etc. and we don't think it's a privacy issue because we have nothing to hide (unless I'm planning a surprise things, in which case I let him know a ways in advance to not touch my cell, or I will just keep it turned off around him or something.  :P )

I can't imagine FI cheating on me, and I'm sure it would take a LOOOOOOT to fix it, but I would try my hardest as would he I'm sure. Marriage counseling goes a loooong way in situations like that, if both sides are still willing to work. This woman is going to have a long, painful road to recovery in their relationship. (of course I think marriage counseling it good for everyone at any point.. but obviously CRUCIAL in this situation)

LetsHikeToday

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_ms-vicki-militarycom-sounds-off-cheating-hubby?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:203c59d2-de17-49e0-87a9-bb94ea0957a0Post:73e080d8-da23-43b4-b9cf-e1f8d3aefa56">Re: Ms. Vicki from Military.com sounds off on a Cheating Hubby.</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm a "make it work" kinda person too. I also believe in "policing" your loved one. The Today Show had a really interesting piece on it that kinda opened my eyes to it a while back... Fi and I have each others passwords, look at each others phones when we gets texts, etc. and we don't think it's a privacy issue because we have nothing to hide (unless I'm planning a surprise things, in which case I let him know a ways in advance to not touch my cell, or I will just keep it turned off around him or something.  :P ) I can't imagine FI cheating on me, and I'm sure it would take a LOOOOOOT to fix it, but I would try my hardest as would he I'm sure. Marriage counseling goes a loooong way in situations like that, if both sides are still willing to work. This woman is going to have a long, painful road to recovery in their relationship. (of course I think marriage counseling it good for everyone at any point.. but obviously CRUCIAL in this situation)
Posted by firsttimersluck[/QUOTE]

So I'm definitely not trying to argue or debate but I'm so far from the making it work mind set that I kinda want to know a little more about your thoughts.

What do you think counseling will be able to solve? Do you think it's the cheater figuring out why and changing that behavior? Or something else?

Like I said, not trying to argue but I am seriously curious. I hate that when I ask a follow up question online I get worried the person will take it the wrong way.

:-)

firsttimersluck

ya know.. In this woman's situation, who knows. If it was a multiple times situation I don't know how I would handle that one...
Honestly, I have never been cheated on, so I don't really know, but I think a trained professional knows a lot more than I do about why people behave the way they do, and how a couple can work on it. It it's just that the guy is a cheater and that's the way it is, time for divorce... that's the way it goes... 
 But a lot of times a cheating situation has been building up for a while and (while it IS the cheaters fault) something must have changed in the relationship for this to occur... which means the other has been a part of that...
Sometimes we fall off the horse with things, and we need others to snap us back into reality and tell us to fix it. Sometimes we need more information to fix what's wrong with us, sometimes it's unfixable. But if he had never cheated before, and suddenly started now, maybe it's a change in the relationship and the relationship can be rebuilt back to what it was, or even stronger.

Although this person mentions that she and her H are 19 and 20.. I mean.. really? hah... He just wasn't ready to settle down.. Good luck to her on that one...

shan87

I'm in the mindset that once my trust is broken its always broken. She will ALWAYS wonder... is he still talking to her? Even if he doesn't she will always wonder.. its a recipe for a lifetime of unhappiness IMO.

Having said that, I have never personally gone through cheating in a marriage. I was cheated on in HS in previous relationships but it seems unrelated IMO. I think people cheat for a variety of reasons and once you can identify the reason you can address it. But both parties have to be willing.

ggirl2001

My heart breaks for this girl, yes she is young and naive, but she is trying to stand by her marriage vows which I give her credit for.

I can't imagine being married at 19 and being cheated on by husband, so I can't even fathom what I would do. I don't even know what I would do now. I would think it would depend on so many circumstances, was it a one time thing and he told me right after it happened? Or was it an affair? I feel like those could potentially change my answer.


That being said, I am a therapist, so I would probably try counseling first, both marital and individual counseling as I feel that would be the only way it could possibly work.

calindi

I dunno, it says it took place on line. I think I could get past chatting and exchanging pics more than actual physical contact. But even more than that, the fact that he lied to her on multiple occasions makes it harder to trust him. First he told her he wouldn't communicate with that girl, then she caught him and he lied again, which she discovered later by accident and then confirmed by investigation. A marriage takes two people, and it doesn't seem like he is at all invested in making it work if he is repeatedly lying. To me, that's an even bigger deal than having some naked pics. But I'm also someone who doesn't mind porn, but it definitely makes it worse when it's a "real person" as opposed to some slut getting paid for a skin flick.

mob2689

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_ms-vicki-militarycom-sounds-off-cheating-hubby?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:203c59d2-de17-49e0-87a9-bb94ea0957a0Post:415398ae-daa1-41f2-8796-b658a5f17b7e">Re: Ms. Vicki from Military.com sounds off on a Cheating Hubby.</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm in the mindset that once my trust is broken its always broken. She will ALWAYS wonder... Posted by shan87[/QUOTE]

This exactly! I couldn't do it, I know myself way too well, and for his life to continue to be happy and healthy along with mine, I would have to get a divorce.

ETA: Trust means everything to me, once you break it I feel there is no repairing it, as much as I wish it could be repaired my mind can't, it hits this 25' steel thick wall.

kara811

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_ms-vicki-militarycom-sounds-off-cheating-hubby?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:203c59d2-de17-49e0-87a9-bb94ea0957a0Post:32176f9c-5cfc-4b81-888c-49bbccf862f2">Re: Ms. Vicki from Military.com sounds off on a Cheating Hubby.</a>:
[QUOTE]Ms. Vickie sounds smart to me :-) However, I come from the place of if you cheat on me, I'm out. I don't care. Maybe it would be different if I were 19 or 20. I'm 29. If you cheat on me, see ya later. I have enough confidence and independence to know I could survive on my own. I don't need someone in my life who could do that to me. I might sound harsh but it's my absolute you better not do that to me.
Posted by LetsHikeToday[/QUOTE]

<div>Ditto all this. I have the same mindset. I am all for making the marriage work, but cheating is the ONE thing that I cannot stand. I have seen it too much in my family that I would never want it in my own marriage. </div><div>
</div><div>H and I talked about this a long time ago, we both know that cheating is the one dealbreaker for both of us. He has the same thoughts as me in the subject. </div><div>
</div><div>And as for what Shan said, I also agree. Once that trust is broken and you've been cheated on, you will always wonder and suspect. The trust will be very heard to earn back and in most cases I've seen, it's never worked out. </div>

KendallR10

I think its great that she wants to give it a try and give him another chance. I'm glad that she doesn't wanna just jump at getting a divorce. 

bltata

I think this is a sticky subject because it sounds like this was just online, but his prior relationship with this girl makes it even worse.  It doesn't sound like he had any physical contact which seems like it MIGHT be forgivable, but I probably wouldn't be able to fully trust again, either.

I know you mentioned that you are a woman of faith and are trying to stand by your vows, which I completely respect, understand, and agree with.  However, the Bible DOES say that adultery or immorality are allowable reasons in God's eyes for the dissolution of a marriage so I would hate to see you stay with a man who refuses to love you the way you deserve just to honor your vows, when he clearly isn't honoring his.  Try to go to counseling with him and if he refuses or does no do well in counseling, please don't stay because you feel you have to.

LOLways

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_ms-vicki-militarycom-sounds-off-cheating-hubby?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:203c59d2-de17-49e0-87a9-bb94ea0957a0Post:415398ae-daa1-41f2-8796-b658a5f17b7e">Re: Ms. Vicki from Military.com sounds off on a Cheating Hubby.</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm in the mindset that once my trust is broken its always broken. She will ALWAYS wonder... is he still talking to her? Even if he doesn't she will always wonder.. its a recipe for a lifetime of unhappiness IMO.
Posted by shan87[/QUOTE]

<div>I think I share shan's opinion. The two dealbreakers in my book: don't cheat on me, and don't hit me/ our kids.</div><div>
</div><div>Gettng back on topic, it would be great if the individual considering cheating (because it is a CHOICE, I don't subscribe to that "Oh, I'm a sex addict and need rehab, it's not my fault" philosophy) would realize marriage counseling is necessary. Or at least initiate some really meaningful dialogue between spouses. That said, it sounds like this guy was probably only cheating via phone/internet. I'd really struggle with getting past the issues that led to it in the first place. Obviously there is something that the offending husband in this case felt was missing (his youth/ sowing his oats/etc?) or wrong in his marriage. They shouldn't have gotten married at such a young age, because while maybe she was mature and ready (sounds like maybe she was), he clearly was not. The string of lies makes me think this guy isn't committed to his wife and she's certainly got some long odds to try to beat here. Sad.</div>