Fi says stay off of these posts

chandarob

My Fi informed me that military wife posts create trouble for soldiers by giving us drama to focus on. He says I should stay away from the.other wives so I stay out of drama. Hmmmm. He just got promoted to officer. If I'm off on a base somewhere with him gone all day. Who exactly does he expect me to talk too? Although I do plan on working. I'm in the federal system now as a civilian employee. Talk about Peyton place, lol talk about drama. I get the feeling he doesn't think I know enough to only believe what I see.with.my own eyes. I hear a lot I just don't repeat.

kyrgyzstan

So your FI thinks you're a child who can't tell who's worthy of your friendship or not? I'm not sure what him being an officer has to do with it, unless he thinks that officer spouses are more evil than enlisted spouses or something equally strange.

chandarob

Lol... I believe so. He says there is a lot of drama on base and I'm easily lead. He does not need to explain other peoples behavior to me, because I believe everything.I hear. I'm glad this is coming up before we live together. I am very social. I talk to everyone everywhere I go. I thought that's what endeared him to me.

Sammy0709

If DH had told me not to talk to military wives at the base we're technically stationed at now I would have had no friends. MH doesn't think I'm a child though so I get the luxury of making my own decisions about people.

lrh17

Is he saying to stay away from other military wives in real life, or to not post on these boards?  I'm confused.  Either way, that should be your decision.

Beachy730

Eh, I can get where your FI is coming from because I see ridiculous amounts of drama from command pages and wives groups.  And I've seen firsthand how it can affect an SM when their spouse is involved with all the drama.  

With that being said though, this is a general military brides message board which is completely differnet.  We don't know you from Joe Schmoe's wife and no nothing about your command or your FI.  So while there can be drama it's nothing like he's talking about.

Either way, you are an adult and should be trusted to make your own decisions and weed out the drama-tastic spouses and people to find the ones you really like and can get along with.

divinemsbee

First, the fact that you referenced Peyton Place makes me unusually happy. Love it.

Secondly, you're (assumptively) a grown woman. Make your own decisions about who you want to get involved with. And, if you do end up with some drama, such is life. I guarantee there is almost no group of people or spouses that doesn't have some amount of something going on. I mean, in every office or retail job I've ever worked in, there is a little bit at some point. Don't even get me started on when I worked in restaurants, it's dramaville. Basically, to avoid all drama, or near occasions of drama, you would have to avoid people. Yes, spouse groups can have some crazy shiz go down, but they're also the people who are going to know what you're going through and they may be the people that you get information from. Start honing your bullshit detector now. 

I'm also the social one in our relationship, so I know it can be hard for the non-social member to understand that the social one need outlets for it. 

chandarob

He has been in the military for 15 yrs so he's a bit of a know it all on some subjects. He's seen a lot of relationships fail and he is saying.if I get caught up in that stuff we won't last. I sense his hesitant to bring me on a base. I think its because I'm outgoing and generally can get along anywhere. He has to understand that I'm not going to run off. He hasn't come out and said it but that's what I think he's worried about. While he was off working everyday before apparently his exwife had her days filled with others. But that's her and I'm me.

ggirl2001

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_fi-says-stay-off-of-these-posts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:2449ed4f-59ad-405a-9b22-9c72f03e09dePost:840dc774-9ed8-4c78-a21a-a5e74382431d">Re:Fi says stay off of these posts</a>:
[QUOTE]He has been in the military for 15 yrs so he's a bit of a know it all on some subjects. <strong>He's seen a lot of relationships fail and he is saying.if I get caught up in that stuff we won't last</strong>. I sense his hesitant to bring me on a base. I think its because I'm outgoing and generally can get along anywhere. He has to understand that I'm not going to run off. He hasn't come out and said it but that's what I think he's worried about. While he was off working everyday before apparently his exwife had her days filled with others. But that's her and I'm me.
Posted by chandarob[/QUOTE]
Dude that would bother the fuuck out of me if my H said that to me. I would be making sure we went to counseling before we went to married. My H is junior enlisted and has seen a shiit ton of marriages fail in his 3 years, but that didn't stop him from trusting me or trusting my judgment. I am friends with several wives down here, some in his shop, some not. We've had no problems. FTR, we are older as well (28 and 26). 

iluvmytxrgr

I'm sorry this is completely ignorant.  There will be drama in any group of women, civilian or military.  I'd tell my husband to eat my flip flop if he tried to tell me who I could or could not be friends with. 

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_fi-says-stay-off-of-these-posts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:2449ed4f-59ad-405a-9b22-9c72f03e09dePost:840dc774-9ed8-4c78-a21a-a5e74382431d">Re:Fi says stay off of these posts</a>:
[QUOTE]He has been in the military for 15 yrs so he's a bit of a know it all on some subjects. <strong>He's seen a lot of relationships fail and he is saying.if I get caught up in that stuff we won't last. I sense his hesitant to bring me on a base. </strong>I think its because I'm outgoing and generally can get along anywhere. He has to understand that I'm not going to run off. He hasn't come out and said it but that's what I think he's worried about. While he was off working everyday before apparently his exwife had her days filled with others. But that's her and I'm me.
Posted by chandarob[/QUOTE]

<div>Ok now your FI just sounds like a douche about this.  So is he afraid that a miltary message board you're going to find all women who cheat on their spouses and encourage you to do the same?  Relationships fail in every aspect of life, not just the military.  And many of the military relationships fail because they rush to get married at 18 and are ignorant as to how their lives will really be.  </div><div>
</div><div>Does he expect you to just not make any friends unless he hand picks them for you?  Your FI sounds like he needs some counseling to deal with past relationship issues so he can trust you.  I would have a big issue with him saying things like that to me.</div>

crownsuperstar

Danger Will Robinson!  To me that reads he is telling you who to be friends with.  YIKES!

The way I see it is the only drama that comes into your life it the drama you let in.  I made vow to myself about five years ago that I was going to live a drama free life. I started to cut people out of my life that caused undo drama.  I also changed jobs because of the drama.  I can now say that my life is pretty bland.  No drama what so ever. 

I will say there is drama every where not just with the military spouses.  Hell there is drama in the ladies church groups.  It is up to you to make sure that does not come into your life. 

To me those marriages would have failed regardless.  That is just how it is. 

FTR- we are old as well...36 years old here so color me the grandma. I would tell my H to bite me if he ever said that I could not be friends with someone/group. 

firemedicrr

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_fi-says-stay-off-of-these-posts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:2449ed4f-59ad-405a-9b22-9c72f03e09dePost:2dd1bb95-a0ed-4dee-8ad6-91b4b4277720">Re: Fi says stay off of these posts</a>:
[QUOTE]Eh, I can get where your FI is coming from because I see ridiculous amounts of drama from command pages and wives groups.  And I've seen firsthand how it can affect an SM when their spouse is involved with all the drama.   With that being said though, this is a general military brides message board which is completely differnet.  We don't know you from Joe Schmoe's wife and no nothing about your command or your FI.  So while there can be drama it's nothing like he's talking about. Either way, you are an adult and should be trusted to make your own decisions and weed out the drama-tastic spouses and people to find the ones you really like and can get along with.
Posted by Beachy730[/QUOTE]

this. There can be a lot of drama, and I think it's good to be aware of, especially if you haven't been exposed to it before. When I met FI, I didn't know he was in the Navy. He told me what he did, but not that it was for the Navy until we got to know each other better. I had an uncle who was career Army, but that was my only exposure before FI, and I really had no idea about how some people purposely dated people/married people in the mil for the benefits (this still seems absurd to me; I love FI and he loves what he does- but I definitely wouldn't have picked anyone for mil benefits... IMO they aren't THAT awesome if you KWIM). I also wasn't aware of what kind of drama there was and how that affects the people that are actually E or O... and I think it's good to be cognizant of. With that being said, it sounds like you would have a clue being a civ contractor (or something along those lines?) and he sounds overly controlling to me. FI told me the info he thought I needed to know, but he was pretty clear that who I make friends with is -my- choice, but that depending on who it was it might not be considered kosher for him and that person's SO to hang out together outside of work... which makes sense.

Like someone else suggested (gg I think?) I would definitely be talking about this in counseling.. it sounds like he has trust issues or controlling tendancies based on the way his XW treated him...and that's not fair to either of you.

Irishcurls

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_fi-says-stay-off-of-these-posts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:2449ed4f-59ad-405a-9b22-9c72f03e09dePost:3e8101ac-f043-4e03-9581-f1b41d5e5b96">Re: Fi says stay off of these posts</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Fi says stay off of these posts : this. There can be a lot of drama, and I think it's good to be aware of, especially if you haven't been exposed to it before. When I met FI, I didn't know he was in the Navy. He told me what he did, but not that it was for the Navy until we got to know each other better. I had an uncle who was career Army, but that was my only exposure before FI, and I really had no idea about how some people purposely dated people/married people in the mil for the benefits (this still seems absurd to me; I love FI and he loves what he does- but I definitely wouldn't have picked anyone for mil benefits... IMO they aren't THAT awesome if you KWIM). I also wasn't aware of what kind of drama there was and how that affects the people that are actually E or O... and I think it's good to be cognizant of. With that being said, it sounds like you would have a clue being a civ contractor (or something along those lines?) and he sounds overly controlling to me. FI told me the info he thought I needed to know, but he was pretty clear that who I make friends with is -my- choice, but that depending on who it was it might not be considered kosher for him and that person's SO to hang out together outside of work... which makes sense. Like someone else suggested (gg I think?) I would definitely be talking about this in counseling..<strong> it sounds like he has trust issues or controlling tendancies based on the way his XW treated him...and that's not fair to either of you.</strong>
Posted by firemedicrr[/QUOTE]
Bingo!

Ilumine

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_fi-says-stay-off-of-these-posts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:2449ed4f-59ad-405a-9b22-9c72f03e09dePost:840dc774-9ed8-4c78-a21a-a5e74382431d">Re:Fi says stay off of these posts</a>:
[QUOTE]He has been in the military for 15 yrs so he's a bit of a know it all on some subjects. He's seen a lot of relationships fail and he is saying.if I get caught up in that stuff we won't last. I sense his hesitant to bring me on a base. I think its because I'm outgoing and generally can get along anywhere. He has to understand that I'm not going to run off. He hasn't come out and said it but that's what I think he's worried about. While he was off working everyday before apparently his exwife had her days filled with others. But that's her and I'm me.
Posted by chandarob[/QUOTE]

I would run away from ANY MAN who would try to dictate where I am allowed to go or who I am allowed to interact with.

I would run away from ANY MAN who believed, let alone told me straight out that he did not trust my judgment as a grown adult, let alone as a woman.

I would run away from ANT SERVICEMAN who was so shortsighted as to the NECESSITY of having interactions with other military spouses. The number one issue I have as a Key Spouse, our Shirt has with domestic issues and ultimately my DH, the Squadron Chief has is with spouses who are disconnected to their squadron, flight and shop.


Even if you interact on a shop level, not having contact with other spouses at a flight level leaves you woefully uninformed. And even if you get together on a flight level, unless you interact on a squadron level - even if it's just reading the squadron newsletter - you loose out on information AND it is harder for US to help you when (not if) something happens.

Finally, I would run away from any man who cannot make rational

Ilumine

Sorry - the 3 yo hit send n my iPad. I would seriously run as far away from any man who blames an entire subset of his life (becuase in the military, spouses are part of the culture) for bad behavior. I mean seriously. That means that he doesnt trust or respect the judgment of the rest of the men and women in his command. Basically, he is saying that they all married gossips, busybodies, , etc. How can he trust his men/women to have his back then? If MY boss said that his wife couldn't interact with me...I would be seriously offended as would my DH.

divinemsbee

Ilumine, I especially hear you on your third point there. Being disconnected from what's going on seems like a very bad idea, 

OP, your FI says he's wary of having you on base and that's a huge issue. When we first got here, I had a letter from the Key Spouse. Especially because we aren't married yet, she's how I get information. I joined the FB group, which is mainly about events and what's going on on base. I can't imagine sitting here and having no idea what's up when he's gone. I don't often go to the events, but it's nice to know that there are people who know who I am.