Military Brides

How do I word these invitations???

Here's the situation.  My fiancé is a Marine.  He's currently stationed in Quantico at TBS, he graduates May 9th, and he needs to be in Oklahoma by June 1st.  So with our small planning window, and limited money what wetried to do is have some aspects of a big wedding, but ultimately, this is not going to be a blow out that costs tens of thousands.  I wanted to invite immediate and extended family members to the ceremony and to a cocktail hour.  (I figured inviting them to the cocktail hour would make them feel more included than just the ceremony.)  But for the reception/dinner it would only be our immediate family and grandparents.  I think our families would understand that we are trying to keep costs down, but I'm not sure what to do about wording invitations.  I want to be clear that extended family will not be staying for dinner, but I don't want to sound harsh.  What do you guys think?

Re: How do I word these invitations???

  • You can't do that.
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  • I'd be careful... TBS dates aren't set in stone, and if someone gets sick or injured, they can be recycled.  I'd suggest waiting until he gets to Oklahoma and can ask for leave to try to plan something.

    There's no way to invite people to your ceremony but not the reception - that's incredibly rude.  Only invite the people who you can host for the reception.  If you want them all invited, then have a rehearsal dinner the night before with immediate family and grandparents, and then have a much less expensive reception where you can host all the people you want to invite - it's perfectly fine to have a 'punch and cake' reception.

    No matter what, be sure to get military clauses put in all your contracts with vendors in case the military throws a wrench in your plans.

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  • So you basically want a tiered reception? That goes against etiquette and quite frankly it is rude. I understand that people are on a budget, but only invite those guests who you can actuall afford. 

    Also, cocktail hour can be quite expensive. Apps can cost a lot of money. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_how-do-i-word-these-invitations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:331ae915-6e72-4d90-bbf9-0e7799f2aaaaPost:74df32e2-77b8-4458-8937-b277b7d71b60">How do I word these invitations???</a>:
    [QUOTE]Here's the situation.  My fiancé is a Marine.  He's currently stationed in Quantico at TBS, he graduates May 9th, and he needs to be in Oklahoma by June 1st.  So with our small planning window, and limited money what wetried to do is have some aspects of a big wedding, but ultimately, this is not going to be a blow out that costs tens of thousands.  I wanted to invite immediate and extended family members to the ceremony and to a cocktail hour.  (I figured inviting them to the cocktail hour would make them feel more included than just the ceremony.)  But for the reception/dinner it would only be our immediate family and grandparents.  I think our families would understand that we are trying to keep costs down, but I'm not sure what to do about wording invitations.  I want to be clear that extended family will not be staying for dinner, but I don't want to sound harsh.  What do you guys think?
    Posted by phantomsfallen[/QUOTE]

    JIC

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    Anniversary

  • Well you could but it would be really rude. I was once invited to a ceremony only. It was very awkward when immediate family only went into the venue and say down for dinner. The rest of us were outside and could look in to see it. Plus, will someone announce "can I have everyone's attention. Can the immediate family please sit down and everyone else leave."
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  • What if you do an afternoon ceremony followed by cake and punch? That way you aren't excluding guests. Otherwise, it is rude to exclude them. Sorry, if I'm coming to your wedding and then you kick me out before dinner, I'm probably going to be mad as a friend that you would do that.
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  • Sorry OP, that's pretty rude and will make it quite awkward for those not invited to the dinner.  Perhaps you could scale down the dinner to something you could afford to feed to everyone?  Or do what Calindi suggested and have a 'cake and punch' reception.  Or maybe just do cocktails and appetizers for everyone and call it a night?

    There is really no nice way to word what you suggested without sounding harsh, so I'd try to accomodate everyone. 

    Also, congrats and welcome!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_how-do-i-word-these-invitations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:331ae915-6e72-4d90-bbf9-0e7799f2aaaaPost:74df32e2-77b8-4458-8937-b277b7d71b60">How do I word these invitations???</a>:
    [QUOTE]Here's the situation.  My fiancé is a Marine.  He's currently stationed in Quantico at TBS, he graduates May 9th, and he needs to be in Oklahoma by June 1st.  So with our small planning window, and limited money what wetried to do is have some aspects of a big wedding, but ultimately, this is not going to be a blow out that costs tens of thousands.  I wanted to invite immediate and extended family members to the ceremony and to a cocktail hour.  (I figured inviting them to the cocktail hour would make them feel more included than just the ceremony.)  But for the reception/dinner it would only be our immediate family and grandparents.  I think our families would understand that we are trying to keep costs down, but I'm not sure what to do about wording invitations. <strong> I want to be clear that extended family will not be staying for dinner, but I don't want to sound harsh.</strong>  What do you guys think?
    Posted by phantomsfallen[/QUOTE]
    There is no way you can say that without sounding rude. It's a rude thing to do, period. Scale down to what you can afford with all of your guests, or just invite who you want there for the whole thing, but don't do what you're planning to do unless you want a ton of drama.
  • OH wow RUDE. You cannot do that.  I can say that I would be totally offended if someone did that to me. 
  • You can have an intimate family dinner the night before like Cal said, make it your rehearsal dinner. 

    Maybe have your wedding at a time when you won't need to do a sit-down thing. My wedding is at 2, the reception will probably start by 3 or so, and we're doing a sort of mid-afternoon cocktail party. They'll be plenty of food, but all of it will be hors d'oeuvres set up buffet style. We're also doing the simpler things ourselves because the reception venue has a huge kitchen and fridge. We're providing booze/beer/wine, but you don't have to do that (just don't do a cash bar). I know we're saving a ton of money just by having the reception is the afternoon/evening so that we don't have to provide a huge sit-down meal (also, no Catholic gap, but that may not be an issue for you). 

    I also agree that you need to get military clauses in your contracts, and I would also probably wait until he gets to OK before I started planning. So much can go wrong and change in the schooling stages. I don't mean to sound like a Debbie Downer with that, but it'll be so much easier to plan when he is able to ask for leave. The military isn't certain, and life isn't certain, but there will be a little more certainty once he's settled.  
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  • If I got an invitation that said, "you're invited to our ceremony and cocktail hour but not dinner," I'd probably...well I'd probably get banned from the nest if I told you wnat I would really want to say.  Regardless I think that's kind of inappropriate and rude.  It's almost like saying, you're important enough to us for one thing but not another, sorry.
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  • Inappropriate.  If they are invited to the ceremony, they should be invited to the entire reception.  Instead of planning a cocktail hour and then a recpetion, plan a reception you can afford to invite everyone to. 
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  • The only way to not sound harsh is don't do it. Period. No matter what way you tell them, they will be pissed. And rightly so.
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  • Doing that would be extremely rude. If ia friend or family member did that, I would side-eye and be pissy. If you can't afford a huge wedding, then don't invite them at all. I would be much more u.nderstanding if a family member did that (and someof my cousins have).
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  • As others have said there is no way to do it without being incredibly rude.  And your FI being in the military is absolutely no excuse to be rude to people.  There is absolutely no way to invite everyone for drinks and then tell half your guests to go home because they aren't good enough for you to feed them.  Plan the wedding you can afford with the guest list you can afford to properly host.

    Change your weddign to a non-meal time and just do a cocktail reception with light appetizers.  Or do a low cost barbecue.  Or do a brunch or lunch reception.  Anything but having a tiered reception. 
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  • AmandaSC1988AmandaSC1988 member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited March 2012
    It is rude... everyone has said that.

    Just have a Morning/afternoon wedding with a cake and punch reception, then end it. A lot of people do that and still have happy weddings...I don't see any need for a fance dinner to have a reception.

    If you want to host your immediate family to a nice dinner... do it another time. Some people may disagree but I don't see the problem with taking your family out to dinner later that night (several hours afterwards). Of course it would be an entirely seperate event and you wouldn't want to still be wearing your dress, because that would be a little weird and borderline tiered reception. Plus, you would want your family to be comfortable, and they wouldn't want to be still dressed up anyway...and if they were wearing jeans and you were wearing your dress... well that is awkward



    ETA - YAAAAAA Oklahoma!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There are never any people from OK
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  • My fianc just graduated from TBS in January. He is now in NC and we are planning our wedding for labor day weekend. As far as scheduling wise I would have him talk to his CO for his platoon. The graduation date is set in stone. Since his graduation is on a Wednesday then I would recommend just getting married that weekend or the weekend before his graduation since all his TBS friends are still in town. His orders could always change when he has to report to Oklahoma. Hope it all works out
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_how-do-i-word-these-invitations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:331ae915-6e72-4d90-bbf9-0e7799f2aaaaPost:a5cf3b84-305a-452e-987f-743e826c08c6">Re:How do I word these invitations???</a>:
    [QUOTE]My fianc just graduated from TBS in January. He is now in NC and we are planning our wedding for labor day weekend. As far as scheduling wise I would have him talk to his CO for his platoon. The graduation date is set in stone. Since his graduation is on a Wednesday then I would recommend just getting married that weekend or the weekend before his graduation since all his TBS friends are still in town. His orders could always change when he has to report to Oklahoma. Hope it all works out
    Posted by jennagluck[/QUOTE]

    Nothing is ever set in stone with the military.  It's like the old saying - the only sure things in live are death and taxes.  That's 100% true for the military.  While that platoon will be graduating on a set day, there's no way to know for sure he won't wash out or get hurt and have to start over.  Sometimes they wash out earlier and pick up with another group before the scheduled end of their original TBS platoon, meaning he'd still be at training.

    Just be sure to always get military clause with all your contracts whenever one of the two people getting married is in the military - it will give you peace of mind in case things do change.

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