The Guest List Begins

divinemsbee

So, the way that FI's whole family keep in touch with each other, as well as the way that they keep in touch with family friends, is Facebook. This is important to know. 

I got my first Facebook wedding invitation request last night from a "friend" of FI and his mom. Of course, FI had "talked" (Facebook messaged) with her daughter and when wedding invitations came up, he just said "Divine is handling all of that, I don't have much to do with it." I could just slap him. Firstly because I've asked him repeatedly to get me a list, in order of importance, of people he really wants there; secondly, because I keep him as involved as he wants to be. I just really hate the whole bride must control everything and friends/family of the groom beg to be involved stereotype. I know that he meant it as a way to put them off, but really, it just means I have to deal with them, and I'm not going to ignore a friend of his mom's. Anyway, the mom sent me a message asking if their family could be invited. of course I said yes, figuring that they were family friends and that FI would want them there.

Turns out they would kind of be FI's B-list (not in terms of sending out invitations, but in terms of, he doesn't absolutely need them there), and there are people he would like there before them. He's also apparently text-messaged a few mutual friends and informed them they are invited. These are all people we can invite, it's not going to break the bank or the space, but how do I explain to him that if he's going to foist people off on me, he needs to give me a heads up so that I can deflect? And how do I communicate that we can't invite his whole friend's list, and that he needs to not talk wedding with people that he doesn't know for sure are on his list? 

Sammy0709

I'd tell him to have his list to you by x date or you'll invite who you feel is most appropriate whether it's his blist or not since he wants to make it your responsibility.

calindi

You need to sit down and set out a more clear vision of how this is all going to work and who is going to play what role.

I told FI when he started doing that (telling people socially that they were invited) it was not appropriate to tell ANYONE they're invited until we've finalized the guest list.  I did tell him it was okay to tell them he didn't know, and that we both have huge families so we're trying really hard to "negotiate" on the guest list.  This has made people feel like we really want them there, but it's tricky.  Which is sometimes true.  But at least it keeps from going, "Oh yeah, you're totally invited!" and then not sending an invitation.

So FI now knows that he isn't allowed to promise invitations to anyone - this has meant he plays the dumb groom, which in a lot of ways he is since he's not been very involved in planning.  He also knows that it isn't okay to talk about the wedding in anything more than vague terms with anyone who he dosen't know 100% is invited.

Also, make the guest list finalized ASAP.  I don't know that I could have 'ranked' everyone, but we split it up by 60/60/60 - my family, our friends, his family.  Our friends was divided in half - his and mine (and we added about 8 people to the list who are mutual friends).  So I did 3 lists - MUST, SHOULD, and WOULD LIKE.  People who I personally didn't care if they were there, but I felt like I should invite them (family friends, a few cousins I don't like, etc.) went in "should".  People who I was buddies with and would have fun with at our wedding, but wasn't a must went in "would like".  At the end of the day, I got all my musts, and about 1/3 of my "shoulds" (my parents thankfully took a lot of that off me, since they were friends of theirs, and they told me not to invite them), and 1/2 of my "would like".  I had FI write the same 3 lists.  He got all of his "musts", 2/3 of his "would like", and 1/4 of his "should" (he put law school professors, and that's just not necessary).

Irishcurls

Between our budget and space, we knew our max. We drafted a best case scenario list between the two of us initially. We each contacted our parents pretty quickly to get lists from them as well, with the caveat that we would let them know if space were an issue. After the parents had their say, we started rweaking our intial list a bit but it came together pretty quickly. I think like Cal said, you really need to have him understand sort of the etiquette of it, but also remind him you're not a mind reader and can only go based off what he tells you. Ultimately, when it came time for addresses, H knew when the invites were getting ordered, so if he didn't have the addresses, I wasn't doing any leg work around it. Weddings are stressful enough without him taking care of his guests, kwim? 

divinemsbee

Thanks guys, I'm hopefully going to get him on the phone tonight. Looking back, I should have called him before I said anything to that woman, but I just wasn't thinking, especially as I don't want to end up ignoring someone that's a VIP (like his godmother or a close aunt or something) just because it's a random Facebook thing.

The way my family rolls with weddings is very more-the-merrier, and because of the way we're doing it (buffet, no assigned tables, plenty of space, an aunt is doing cakes and we're doing most of the crudite---all of these things are extremely common in my circle), I think it's hard for people to understand that I really do need to nail down some numbers, especially to talk to a caterer about doing the larger portion of the food. 

LetsHikeToday

Honestly, I'd be pissee if H deflected anything to me. Especially on his side of the family.

calindi

A plum, Hike!  What fruit is next?!  I see a lemon and an orange not far down the road!

shan87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_the-guest-list-begins?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:3660d628-d308-4c02-8a4d-4833c5306c2aPost:609ec3bf-51d7-4345-83ef-ac6928ee8e92">Re: The Guest List Begins</a>:
[QUOTE]A plum, Hike!  What fruit is next?!  I see a lemon and an orange not far down the road!
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

Thanks for pointing that out. I love plums and was going to have one- but now I feel like I'm eating Hike's Baby. I'll have to wait until she moves on to the next one