Military Brides

Take the money or have a big wedding?

I am getting married June 11, 2011.  It's going to be super tiny, in our back yard, and only friends. We are stationed in Utah, originally from Florida, and my parents are coming, but his family can't afford it. The reason for two weddings, is that two of my Fiance's best friends are getting stationed overseas very soon and he wanted them here. We are supposed to have our "big" wedding in March 2012 and it is beyond stressful! Money issues, venue issues, guest list issues, I don't know how I am going to do it! I have always dreamed of a big wedding, big dress, the whole thing, but at this point I'm freaking! My mom told me today (her and my dad are paying for the whole thing) that if we want, we can get a lump sum to do with what we please instead of this big wedding. I guess I am just wondering, what would you do??
Thank you

Re: Take the money or have a big wedding?

  • edited December 2011
    I would still have the big wedding. I think having the wedding of your dreams is worth more than what they would give you.
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  • kara811kara811 member
    2500 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    A lot of women would probably agree with me on this, you only get ONE wedding. You can't get married twice. If you're having a small wedding this year, then the one in 2012 should be a vow renewal. Not a wedding. 

    H and I thought about doing it this way at first, but we quickly decided not to. We wanted a big wedding with all our family and friends and that's what we did. If your FI's best friends willl be stationed overseas, they still might be able to come for the wedding in 2012, they can take leave and fly back for it. 6 of H's friends from Japan came to ours. 


    ETA: You can also just save the money, and have only one wedding. Have the small wedding and spend some of that money you've got to fly out your FILs to it 
  • iluvmytxrgriluvmytxrgr member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I would take the money.  Take a honey moon and put the rest into savings.  You could use that later for a down payment on a house. 
    My brother and SIL's wedding cost over $20,000.  It was beautiful and we had a great time.  Honestly, it wasn't any more fun or memorable than my wedding that we spent $500 on.  We would have loved to have H's family there, but they just weren't able to make it. 
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_money-big-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:3e7c82f6-836f-4a1b-bc30-3e7dbd8526aePost:5d3b4f7a-1848-4d8c-804f-28d133b4333a">Re: Take the money or have a big wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would take the money.  Take a honey moon and put the rest into savings.  You could use that later for a down payment on a house.  My brother and SIL's wedding cost over $20,000.  It was beautiful and we had a great time.  Honestly, it wasn't any more fun or memorable than my wedding that we spent $500 on.  We would have loved to have H's family there, but they just weren't able to make it. 
    Posted by iluvmytxrgr[/QUOTE]
    How did you have a wedding for $500?
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  • ggirl2001ggirl2001 member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I would definitely take the money. You can take a honeymoon, you can save it, you can do so much more with it. Can you use some of that money to fly FI's immediate family out like a previous poster said?
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  • edited December 2011
    There are some situations where they can't come home for something like this, no matter how early they ask. So, no, they can't come to the later one. And yes, I realize that technically the second one would be considered a "vow renewal". It's too late to cancel the small wedding next month, and that isn't an option  to us. We are looking forward to the little one.
  • edited December 2011
    If you're looking forward to the "little one" then take the money and skip the big VR. Save that money. You never know what can happen.

    I guess I don't understand why you're having a wedding and then a VR, but not even on the same date? Personally, When H and I renew our vows, we aren't inviting people. It's just for us. I understand that, our way, is not the "right" way, but thats just how we as a couple feel about this issue. I understand when couples JOP, and then have a VR or even just a reception for their family and friends, but it seems to me that you're just having a wedding, and then a bigger "wedding". Maybe I'm missing something...
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  • Beachy730Beachy730 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    As someone who had the big "dream" wedding, I say take the money.  I loved my wedding, but it is ridiculously stressful, and a shitton of money for one day.  

    Take the money, fly your FI's family out to it your one wedding, take everyone out to dinner and keep the rest.
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  • calindicalindi member
    5000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    The point of the wedding is the marriage, and starting out on good financial footing is the best way to start a healthy marriage. Take the money. Put it in savings.

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  • KendallR10KendallR10 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I would say do half and half.
    Military Brides December 2011 Siggy. Holiday picture with your SO. We suck and don't have one :/ Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.
  • melbelle24melbelle24 member
    Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_money-big-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:3e7c82f6-836f-4a1b-bc30-3e7dbd8526aePost:b5499c38-bf15-4140-99a2-3d69d00b1282">Re: Take the money or have a big wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would say do half and half.
    Posted by KendallR10[/QUOTE]

    How can you do half and half?
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  • iluvmytxrgriluvmytxrgr member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_money-big-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:3e7c82f6-836f-4a1b-bc30-3e7dbd8526aePost:812c44c2-35e5-407a-81f6-1747e6906b72">Re: Take the money or have a big wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Take the money or have a big wedding? : How did you have a wedding for $500?
    Posted by katelyn26[/QUOTE]
    We were married in my mom's house.  Our JOP was a friend of the family who lives down the road from my mom.  He didn't charge us.  One of my friends couldn't come to the wedding but wanted to pay for my dress as a gift to me.  We had 30 people at the ceremony.  Afterward, we had dinner that was catered by another friend who owns a local restaurant.  As a gift to us, he did all the food at cost.  Prime rib, mushroom raviolis and all the sides cost us less than $200.  The cake was $120.  Then there was champagne, beer and wine.  J's attire added to the bill because he doesn't wear his uniform unless the Army says to.  I'm the same way.  Add in the cost of flowers, you get about $500. 
    We all went out on the town after all was said and done.  It was a blast.  I have no regrets and we were glad we didn't waste the money on stuff we really didn't need. 
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_money-big-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:3e7c82f6-836f-4a1b-bc30-3e7dbd8526aePost:b5499c38-bf15-4140-99a2-3d69d00b1282">Re: Take the money or have a big wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would say do half and half.
    Posted by KendallR10[/QUOTE]

    This is exactly the kind of response I would expect from you Kendall.
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  • Sammy0709Sammy0709 member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Comments 25 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_money-big-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:3e7c82f6-836f-4a1b-bc30-3e7dbd8526aePost:e44554be-2cb3-4e89-a9ef-948665174c1b">Re: Take the money or have a big wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]The point of the wedding is the marriage, and starting out on good financial footing is the best way to start a healthy marriage. Take the money. Put it in savings.
    Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

    This.  DH came back from deployment shortly before our JOP so he had a lot of his deployment money in savings at the time.  Having that money stored away has been very helpful in our first year of marriage.
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  • LuluP82LuluP82 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_money-big-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:3e7c82f6-836f-4a1b-bc30-3e7dbd8526aePost:f563a3d8-e758-4d8f-9689-2c9dba7a3cbc">Re: Take the money or have a big wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Take the money or have a big wedding? : This is exactly the kind of response I would expect from you Kendall.
    Posted by SamiJoeB[/QUOTE]

    Oh come on now. She could have a smallish wedding incorporating some of her dream components for half the money and save half. I think that's what Kendall was saying...if it was another poster not Kendall, would you have reacted the same way?
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  • calindicalindi member
    5000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I actually amend my statement - take the money, pay for FI's family to come to your small backyard wedding, and put the rest in savings. I'm sure that would mean the most to his family, and will allow you to have a wonderful memorable wedding and still put a significant amount in savings.

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  • LuluP82LuluP82 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_money-big-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:3e7c82f6-836f-4a1b-bc30-3e7dbd8526aePost:9b6088f6-feea-4d72-adf2-aa9796c5d0e1">Re: Take the money or have a big wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I actually amend my statement - take the money, pay for FI's family to come to your small backyard wedding, and put the rest in savings. I'm sure that would mean the most to his family, and will allow you to have a wonderful memorable wedding and still put a significant amount in savings.
    Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

    I agree with this. I'd also get the dress, and any other elements you think would make it feel more "wedding-y" to you.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_money-big-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:3e7c82f6-836f-4a1b-bc30-3e7dbd8526aePost:a89d5037-9acf-47b5-a112-1f7654a07f55">Re: Take the money or have a big wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Take the money or have a big wedding? : Oh come on now. She could have a smallish wedding incorporating some of her dream components for half the money and save half. I think that's what Kendall was saying...if it was another poster not Kendall, would you have reacted the same way?
    Posted by LuluP82[/QUOTE]

    Yes. I would have. If she's going to take the money at all, it should be spent to get her FIL's a ticket to her small wedding. Then save the rest. This is coming from some one who had her dream wedding, and it would not have been nearly as special if my family and my IL's would not have been there. Almost everyone has dreamed of the big lavish wedding, but as you grow up and mature, it should become less about the stuff, than the people. It did for me. I couldn't imagine getting married without my IL's there. OP still hasn't even answered why she's having 2 weddings. If she's struggling to pay for the second.. I don't understand it's necessity at all. Maybe if she clarifies the need for both, my opinon would change. But, Yes. I would have said that if Stan, Beachy, or Calindi said take half.. It doesn't make sense to me. But then again, the 2 weddings thing doesn't make sense to me either.
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  • KendallR10KendallR10 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_money-big-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:3e7c82f6-836f-4a1b-bc30-3e7dbd8526aePost:a89d5037-9acf-47b5-a112-1f7654a07f55">Re: Take the money or have a big wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Take the money or have a big wedding? : Oh come on now. She could have a smallish wedding incorporating some of her dream components for half the money and save half. I think that's what Kendall was saying...if it was another poster not Kendall, would you have reacted the same way?
    Posted by LuluP82[/QUOTE]
    This is exactly what I meant
    Military Brides December 2011 Siggy. Holiday picture with your SO. We suck and don't have one :/ Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.
  • kmmssgkmmssg mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    I'm a MOB who was the little girl dreaming of her wedding day since I was potty trained.  Must be why God gave me all these DD's - I have LOVED planing with them.

    I would personally take the money.  I think it would be sweet if you could get your FI's family to your city and get married with them here - what a lovely wedding memory you would have.

    You and FI should really sit down and list pros and cons.  I can tell you in this day and age/economy, that money won't come your way easily again and you might want to consider that.  Good luck!
  • Beachy730Beachy730 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_money-big-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:3e7c82f6-836f-4a1b-bc30-3e7dbd8526aePost:a89d5037-9acf-47b5-a112-1f7654a07f55">Re: Take the money or have a big wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Take the money or have a big wedding? : Oh come on now. She could have a smallish wedding incorporating some of her dream components for half the money and save half. I think that's what Kendall was saying...if it was another poster not Kendall, would you have reacted the same way?
    Posted by LuluP82[/QUOTE]

    <div>Once you plan the big party with everyhthing involved, it really doesn't matter if you have 40 people or 200.  It's still the booking of the same amount of things, trying to coordinate everything, and dealing with all the vendors.  The only thing less stresful would be the guest list and keeping track of RSVP's.  </div><div>
    </div><div>I loved my wedding, and looking back I wouldn't have changed a thing.  However, if I had to do it again, there's no way I would do the big party again.  The big wedding doesn't make you any more married, or make your wedding any more successful.  It all depends on how important is to you.  But most people who have already been there and done that would probably say in your situation to take the money and do something small.  </div><div>
    </div><div>Like I already said, I would take the money, fly your FI's parents and siblings out, and then take your small group of people to a nice dinner after your ceremony.  I have an aunt and uncle who did a DW in Hawaii, and there was only 24 of us there.  We just went to a really nice dinner after, and it is one of the nicest weddings I've been to.  </div>
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  • edited December 2011

    Wow...everyone has different opinions...I can tell everyone doesn't quite understand where I'm coming from. Nevermind. I think this post has made it worse for me, rather than better. Thanks anyway....

  • Beachy730Beachy730 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_money-big-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:3e7c82f6-836f-4a1b-bc30-3e7dbd8526aePost:3f92f90a-2297-4852-a8c5-9d06827f2a7f">Re: Take the money or have a big wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow...everyone has different opinions<strong>...I can tell everyone doesn't quite understand where I'm coming from.</strong> Nevermind. I think this post has made it worse for me, rather than better. Thanks anyway....
    Posted by Wojda611[/QUOTE]

    Well we can only understand what you tell us, and go off of that info. 
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  • LuluP82LuluP82 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_money-big-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:3e7c82f6-836f-4a1b-bc30-3e7dbd8526aePost:f5dd6c3e-dee2-48bb-bb8f-7aaabbb2e784">Re: Take the money or have a big wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Take the money or have a big wedding? : Once you plan the big party with everyhthing involved, it really doesn't matter if you have 40 people or 200.  It's still the booking of the same amount of things, trying to coordinate everything, and dealing with all the vendors.  The only thing less stresful would be the guest list and keeping track of RSVP's.   I loved my wedding, and looking back I wouldn't have changed a thing.  However, if I had to do it again, there's no way I would do the big party again.  The big wedding doesn't make you any more married, or make your wedding any more successful.  It all depends on how important is to you.  But most people who have already been there and done that would probably say in your situation to take the money and do something small.   Like I already said, I would take the money, fly your FI's parents and siblings out, and then take your small group of people to a nice dinner after your ceremony.  I have an aunt and uncle who did a DW in Hawaii, and there was only 24 of us there.  We just went to a really nice dinner after, and it is one of the nicest weddings I've been to.  
    Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

    In  my experience, choosing a smaller guest list was definitely easier. We got a certain budget from my parents. Had we chosen to invite more than the 60 ppl we did, we would have definitely needed to be more careful. As it was, we were able to book whatever was available-- and since we planned in 4 months, it was helpful to not have the budget crunch. I literally was able to call venues I thought was pretty and were full service, ask for available dates, and book. I only needed a photographer, music, flowers, attire, invites and cake, if I wanted one (venue would do one, but I chose to have an outside cake). Found a band I liked. Called and booked. Same with florist.Found a dress I loved-- was 1,000 over budget. Okay, no problem, etc. etc. Had I had a 200 person guest list, I'd have had to budget better and price compare. As it was, in a week I was done.

    In OP's case, she could get a dress; find a chapel or church willing to marry them on the 11th; buy tickets for her FILs; get flowers; hire a photog; and plan a small reception. And then still probably save some $$ since the guest list will be much smaller. Granted, I'm assuming she has been offered enough $$ to cover a large guest list (OP, hard to tell since you didn't post a lot of info).
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  • Beachy730Beachy730 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    That's basically the same thing I recommended doing, except I just said to take everyone out for a nice dinner after. 
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  • LuluP82LuluP82 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_money-big-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:3e7c82f6-836f-4a1b-bc30-3e7dbd8526aePost:53164c56-f7bb-4ec5-a4f5-81e87ed434ca">Re: Take the money or have a big wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]That's basically the same thing I recommended doing, except I just said to take everyone out for a nice dinner after. 
    Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

    Yeah when I said have a small wedding now, that's what I meant :) She could just have a reception catered in the backyard if she wants dancing, etc. Just because there aren't a lot of ppl, doesn't mean she can't have her "dream" wedding on short notice.

    ETA-- I think every single poster told her the same thing, with different options. So I'm not sure why she stalked off.
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  • edited December 2011
    why is everyone so mean/rude on here?! this is supposed to be a place where we can come and get everyone opinions and stuff, not be jerks. ever heard the saying, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all? work on that.
  • Beachy730Beachy730 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    FFS, not one person was mean in this thread at all. Offering differing opinions is not being mean or rude. You asked for advice, you received it. So I fail to see the problem. Also, I think someone needs to take their own advice, since you're the only one who stooped to name calling when you called us jerks. Clearly you should have opted for choice B, "don't say anything at all." Grade school lesson: fail.
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  • calindicalindi member
    5000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_money-big-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:3e7c82f6-836f-4a1b-bc30-3e7dbd8526aePost:6014400b-8b5a-4400-8290-40cc901e4916">Take the money or have a big wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am getting married June 11, 2011.  It's going to be super tiny, in our back yard, and only friends. We are stationed in Utah, originally from Florida, and my parents are coming, but his family can't afford it. The reason for two weddings, is that two of my Fiance's best friends are getting stationed overseas very soon and he wanted them here. We are supposed to have our "big" wedding in March 2012 and it is beyond stressful! Money issues, venue issues, guest list issues, I don't know how I am going to do it! I have always dreamed of a big wedding, big dress, the whole thing, but at this point I'm freaking! My mom told me today (her and my dad are paying for the whole thing) that if we want, we can get a lump sum to do with what we please instead of this big wedding.<strong> I guess I am just wondering, what would you do??</strong> Thank you
    Posted by Wojda611[/QUOTE]

    You ASKED what we would do.  We told you what WE would each do.  You can say, "Okay, thanks for your opinion, I think we're going to do something else, but I appreciate the input to consider."  Which is fine, cool.  But throwing a temper tantrum because we don't agree with whichever idea you have is just silly.  You're presumably a grown up, so you can make your own decisions.  You asked us for what we'd do, and we told you.  Take it or leave it, but there's no need to be calling us jerks.

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