FMIL woes, could they be caused by his absence?

eworsh91

Hi! My fiance is currently several states away doing OSUT. We are getting married this summer. I'm kind of having worries/fears about a few things. Without going into detail, let's just say since leaving he has started putting his mom/sisters before me. I had a talk about this with him Sunday, saying that were we not engaged to get married soon it would not be a big deal. But you're supposed to care first and foremost about the person you are going to marry. I also discussed smaller things, like letting me take care of him a bit. There were recently a series of tornadoes that went through my town/state and surrounding areas. The DS's gave the soldiers a phone pass to call their families/friends to make sure they were okay. My fiance called his mother to check on her and his sisters and talked to her, leaving his last minute for me. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful he called me at all and I understand he would want to know about them too, but I just feel like as the person he wants to spend his life with, he should be most concerned about my wellbeing. The day before, he had received his duty station orders and was allowed to call us to tell us. Despite the fact I will be the one moving too, not his mom, he called her first. Then me. However, this doesn't really bother me AS much as the tornado situation. Before he left, he got aggravated with his mother always wanting to baby him and control him. About a month or so after beginning OSUT however, he started referring to her as "mommy" and putting her and his sisters ahead of his wife-to-be. I understand that a man's mother was the first woman in his life, and will always be important to him, but a part of growing up is being able to leave your father and mother and take a wife, loving her above anyone else. I will add, that I hear from the wives and fiances whose men are there with him, that he talks about me all the time and how he can't wait to marry me...so why doesn't his actions show this? I love this man, and as my husband-to-be I put him first in everything (except God). Maybe I am a bit old-fashioned. Anyone have any advice? Thank you!

mob2689

If you get "jelouse" over his mother you will have a hard time in your marriage. and being a military wife. He is married more to the millitary than he EVER will be to you until he gets out.

YOu aren't married yet, so I see nothing worng with he calling his mother.

I know some that  are married and get to call on RARE occassions,they go MONTHS @ a time with out hearing from thier loved one and if they call "mom" mom always let's wife know and vise vera. No matter WHO they call there is always a sence of "releif"  that he is alive and ok.

With his mom being older than you I am sure he was very concerned about his mother as well, not saying that he wasn't concerned about you, but there is an age difference and he may have felt you had a better means of "escaping" than his mother if need be. . Put yourself in his shoes sometimes and look at things from his angle. regardless of the bumps in the road thay shared. You may not get this until you have children of your own and move out, that is when you will have a clearer picture.

Don't get me wrong I am not being mean, but you should have a clearer understanding of military as well if this ruffled your feather a bit.

Sammy0709

I'm just going to give you an example of the way DH and I deal and have always dealt with the phone call issue.

I have always told DH that if there is ever an instance where he cannot decide who he calls first, he will call his mom before me.  He will do this even if the phone call to me consists of, "hey, I'm safe."  Reason being, he rarely sees his mom even when he is in the states but, once he gets home he sees me almost every day with the exception of going to the field for training.

Keep in mind, you probably are the most important person in his life regardless of who he calls first.  The act of calling his mother is just more important because she raised him and he knows he is reaching a point in his life where he won't see her as often as he used to, if that makes sense. 

Beachy730

Not gonna lie, it would probably bother me a bit too, but only because of H's family dynamics.  He didn't call much on deployment, but always called me.  He mostly would email though, and would email his mom once in a while so she knew he was okay.  His mom would spend a $25 phone card telling him about her BF drama and what her dogs are doing, so he wouldn't call normally. 

kyrgyzstan

I think itms more to do witth his age than his separation.

kara811

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_fmil-woes-could-caused-his-absence?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:3e85abac-935a-4d04-a1e4-f92ba9d7fa67Post:b0db6c3f-f6b8-48e2-9528-74f3b4d65060">Re: FMIL woes, could they be caused by his absence?</a>:
[QUOTE]N<strong>ot gonna lie, it would probably bother me a bit too, but only because of H's family dynamics.  He didn't call much on deployment, but always called me.</strong>  He mostly would email though, and would email his mom once in a while so she knew he was okay.  His mom would spend a $25 phone card telling him about her BF drama and what her dogs are doing, so he wouldn't call normally. 
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

<div>
Ditto this. H has always put me first, well except with the military of course. But he's told me many times before, he'd always put me first. So if this ever happened, I would probably be bothered a little. But his parents and I are always in touch, and I update them on what's going on. They do email each other a lot too. </div>

iluvmytxrgr

I'm going to agree with MOB, it's his mom.  He has every right to choose to call her.  It would be different if he was calling his buddy or if you were home pregnant or taking care of a kid. 
If it bothers you that much, talk to him about it.  Let him know that you would like him to try to divide the time a little more so you get more than just a "Hey.  Love you. Bye."

ggirl2001

Does his mom get touchy about things like this? Because I know my FI's mom used to have a hard time with him calling me before her, or her not at all. When I saw she was starting to get frustrated I would let him know to call her. He doesn't have the best relationship with her but she has been trying to work on it with him and he's not used to it so I would usually have to remind him. It used to bother me that she would get so upset about it, but him and I talked about it quite a bit. If his mom is like that, it might make it easier on you if at times he calls her first. (sorry if this makes no sense, I'm typing quickly and am about to leave for dinner haha)

SamiJoeB

I agree with Stan, It sounds more like an age thing than anything else.. I mean, does it bother you to the point of not wanting to marry him anymore? if so then you probably had bigger issues, if not, then don't worry about it.