Having to Deal with His Family Alone

melrowe

Hi Everyone.
My Fiance is in the Navy and we just recently go engaged on Nov. 22nd. He was only home for that week before his next deployment and left on the 28th. I'm in the process of starting to plan and I feel like already his family is taking over. He is hispanic so his family is VERY large and gets very involved in everything. I on the other hand come from a very small family, and total in attendance on the big day from my side will probably be no more than 50 people, whereas his family estimated to have maybe 3 or 4 times that on their side. My fiance knows that i would prefer a much smaller wedding because it would be much more cost effective among other things and he is completely on board with the idea. But, since he is currently on deployment and we are only communicating via email, he's not really here to back me up when i talk with his family about our wedding plans. How do i make our desires known (since im sure many of you will agree a wedding is a much bigger deal to the bride than the groom in most cases) to his family without coming across as a bridezilla??

KendallR10

I am not going to be much help. I would just let them know that you two are planning the wedding together and that unless they are paying for it they should respect both of your wishes. 

Congrats on the engagement!

melrowe

Thanks, and yeah I believe they will be paying for some of it. I'm just getting done with college and he's only been serving for a little over a year, so niether one of us are really at a good point financially to be paying for it ourselves.

KendallR10

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_having-deal-his-family-alone?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:4958d5f2-11db-49ba-a861-170b550991b5Post:e1b8f9e4-1966-4b4b-9595-9d9c83735fb2">Re: Having to Deal with His Family Alone</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks, and yeah I believe they will be paying for some of it. I'm just getting done with college and he's only been serving for a little over a year, so niether one of us are really at a good point financially to be paying for it ourselves.
Posted by melrowe[/QUOTE]
I think the best thing you could do is maybe get a list of family they would like there and send it to your FI and have him make most of the decisions on his side

CAB1217

When is the wedding? Honestly, if they pay, they say. You can't let them pay for a part of your wedding and expect no feed back or expectations on their end, because they have now invested in this event.

For example, My parents are paying for 60% of our wedding, and my mom has invited people I don't even know, meaning I cannot invite certain friends I wanted there. I do not feel right telling my parents they cannot invite people when they are throwing the majority of the party. Same with my FMIL, she is driving me nutso with the rehearsal dinner, but she's paying, so I shut my mouth.

If you want a small wedding to your liking, you're going to have to pay for it yourself, unfortunately. Coming from a Hispanic family myself, I understand how important it is to invite THE WHOLE family, and it truly is offensive to exclude a family member that they feel should be there. You don't want to offend your FI's family by saying that his family members cannot be invited.

Good luck, hopefully you have plenty of time to figure this all out

BinxRose

Hi mel! Congratulations on your engagement, and welcome to the military board! Like CAB said, if his family is paying, then they have a say. If it's a pretty insignificant amount in comparison to the total budget, they have less say. But you said you're not in the best financial situation, so it sounds like they will be paying a good chunk. And honestly, if they are willing to pay for it, then why not? I only wanted about 200, but I'm now at 320. But FI's parents offered to pay for the venue and meals, so that took off a huge burden, so why not? (Also, since they are paying for the meal, I'm inviting his mom to come to the food tasting to help decide). And that's the way the wedding will go if you are letting people help pay. If you want it your way, you'll have to wait longer to save up. It was hard for me to get used to that idea. But honestly, I have become so much more relaxed in planning the wedding since accepting the fact our parents have a say since they are paying a good chunk! Good luck planning your wedding, and please do stick around! The ladies here are amazing for advice and just to talk with!

BinxRose

Oh um also, if "rowe" is your last name, you should get a new a screen name (you'll have to use a different e-mail). And our mod can help you get TK to delete this current s/n.

LetsHikeToday

Hi and welcome. Do you know how long your fiancé will be deployed? Is there any way you can hold off until he comes back? That way you both can talk to his parents?

calindi

If you guys want to have a small wedding without the financial help of his parents (because as others said, if they pay, it's reasonable that they'll have some expectations) then I'd say just wait on giving them ANY details until closer to the big day.  And definitely let him run point with them - even if he's not here to speak with them directly, have him communicate via email or something how many people you guys want from each side.

My FI has 60 first cousins.  Some he's never met, most he hasn't seen or spoken to in over a decade, but his Mom still wanted to invite them all.  Uh, no.  But in our case, his parents aren't paying for anything, and FI doesn't want it, so he had no problem saying, "That's not how we're going to do it.  We can only accomodate 50 guests from our side, total.  Help me figure out who those people will be.  If I haven't spoken to them in over 2 years, I don't want to invite them."

iluvmytxrgr

The first thing you need to do is figure out your budget and your venues.  More than likely, the venues will have limits on how many people you can invite.  Let's say your church can only hold 150 people.  You can your FI need to decide which people out side of your families you absolutely want there.  Then figure out how many people from your family will be invited.  Tell his family they can take it from there.  They can fill the list after that.  I recomend your family getting their numbers in first since your FI's family is wanting to invite such large numbers of people.  You want to leave room for your family. 
Ask them if there are traditions they would like included.  Tell them the look and feel that you are going for and work it in to that.  I'm sure it would mean a lot to him and his family to have those traditions included.  Also include any traditions your family has. 

matcha

Get your information together first. First, money. How much are they chipping in?  What is your overall budget?  If they are giving $5,000, but want you to invite 300 + people, you may not be able to live up to that request.

Second, talk to the two most expensive vendors- venue/ceremony space, and food. How much does it cost per person, including food and rentals? Is there a space limit? 

Last, when is your wedding date?  If you are less than a year out, I understand having to make a lot of these choices on your own.  However, if you are thinking summer of 2013, then you can wait to make a lot of these choices until your FI comes home. 

These things may automatically help determine guest list size.  

Danidawn20

First- Congrats on your engagement
second-how long is your FI deployed and when are you getting married?
THird- you need to figure out a budget/ talk to vendors to find out spacing for your event.
Fourth- like the pps said, if they pay they get a say

SamiJoeB

Umm.. IMO, the first thing you need to do is take the date that he left out of your post.  Then read up on OPSEC & PERSEC, then proceed with wedding planning.

Congrats on your engagement and I hope you stick around!!

KendallR10

I thought about what a PP said. If they are paying for 60% they should get 60% of the guest list IMO

calindi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_having-deal-his-family-alone?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:4958d5f2-11db-49ba-a861-170b550991b5Post:3f67f748-3db3-42d4-a745-6069406544d8">Re: Having to Deal with His Family Alone</a>:
[QUOTE]I thought about what a PP said. If they are paying for 60% they should get 60% of the guest list IMO
Posted by KendallR10[/QUOTE]

Not necessarily.  I'm a big fan of 50/50 (or in our case, thirds - my family, our friends, his family).  My parents are paying 100%, but they certainly aren't going to get 100% of the guests.  A wedding isn't a competition to see who pays more, it's about bringing family together.  Obviously if someone giving money wants certain guests invited, it has greater weight, but it doesn't outweigh other considerations.  You just have to realize that when you disagree with someone giving money, you might have to forgo that money.

melbelle24

Ditto Sami. OPSEC and PERSEC are hugely important in the military, so make sure you're caught up on all that. As far as the guest list, all PP are right when they say that if your FIL's are helping to pay for the wedding, then they do get a say in who's invited. So figure out your budget and how many your venue can hold, and go from there. I think it's fair to divide the list 3 ways, there's yours and your FI's list, your parents list, and His parents list. I understand not wanting a huge wedding, but it's also not fair to tell his family they aren't allowed because your family isn't as big as his. Just try to find a compromise! Remember, soon this is going to be your family too. Hello, congrats, and welcome to the board!

calindi

If it helps, I had my FI write his own list of family members who HE wanted to be there.  So that way, he was able to go to his Mom and say, "Look, I know you want to invite all the cousins and their families, but we can't possibly accomodate them all.  These are the people that are important for me to be there.  We have X seats left after that, who would you want to invite?"  She ended up with like X plus 8 more, which we easily accomodated with a smile.  It was easier than 40 more!!!  And she also felt like he wasn't just giving her a blanket number - he was showing her who was important to him, so she respected that, I think.

divinemsbee

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_having-deal-his-family-alone?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:4958d5f2-11db-49ba-a861-170b550991b5Post:224c00c3-5405-4eaa-abea-e3cee7faf79b">Re: Having to Deal with His Family Alone</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi and welcome. Do you know how long your fiancé will be deployed? Is there any way you can hold off until he comes back? That way you both can talk to his parents?
Posted by LetsHikeToday[/QUOTE]
 Welcome as well, and this. It's going to be hard trying to fight uphill. That being said, I don't think gifts should come with strings. But they do, especially with weddings. And while I understand it, I really hate the automatic "they who pay, say" that people get. If I were to throw a birthday party for my friend, and pay for the food and a gift and such, then I wouldn't invite more of my friends than hers (or invite a ton of people if she was a shy person) or get the cake I liked better or play the music that I preferred. Because I am throwing this party, but I'm throwing it <em>for her</em>. I mean, I could do all of those things, but that would be kind of crappy. I get that weddings are different, and that when family is invovled it's hard to draw lines, heck, I'm the one in the huge family situation and I'm working on cutting it down without offending everyone (huge Irish family stereotype here).

I guess what I'm saying is really the same as everyone else, if they give you money, they will probably expect a level of involvement. I would sit down with them now and ask them about it (which, from what I've read, isn't rude if they have offered money), and ask them what kind of involvement they would want in all aspects of the planning, not just the guest list, and make an informed decision from there. Also, make absolutely no arrangements until the money is in hand. From many many stories on these boards, I've seen people get really screwed because someone told them that they would pay for xyz and they put down the deposit, but when it comes time to make the big payment, someone chickens out. Do not be that girl.