Advice on tricky situation (long)

calindi

Ladies, you're always so level headed, I thought I'd ask you how to handle this!  Pardon my storytelling... not sure how much of it is essential to get advice...

Some of you may remember my Aunt and her family aren't invited.  The reasons are long, but in synopsis, my Aunt & her Mom (my Grandma - we'll call her G1 for this story) don't speak, not to mention my Aunt has been horrible to both G1, her father's wife (G2) and my Mom. If she's invited, G1 will not come to the wedding (proven fact - G1 has skipped several other events fo this reason).  I also haven't spoken to this Aunt in years, have nothing in common with her, she knows nothing about my life, I haven't seen her kids in almost a decade, and I don't like her at all.  We also are not inviting all Aunts & Uncles - our rule is those we have seen/spoken to in the last 2 years, though technically I saw my Aunt for about 30 seconds 2 years ago.

G1 is her own issue, and isn't even remotely blameless in the fallout of the relationship with her daughter, but she's my Mom's Mom and thus she's in my life. And thus she's invited to the wedding.

Anyway, whether you all agree with my reasoning or not, the Aunt isn't invited to the wedding.  Final decison.  My parents support me 100%, and it is actually a relief to my Mom that her sister isn't coming.

The only person who will miss my Aunt and her family is her father, my Grandpa (GP for this story).  GP was married to G1, had my Mom and this aunt, and then divorced and married G2.  Even though 40+ years have passed since they divorced, GP and G1 want each other to be miserable and often use my Mom (and our family) as pawns to try to attack each other. We rarely invite them to the same family function - they've been together maybe 3-4 days my whole life. 

I am very close with GP & G2, and while G1 drives me nuts she's still my grandma.  However, GP is thowing a fit that his daughter isn't invited to the wedding.  He's afraid of how it will look to others (there is literally NO ONE else who will miss this family being there) and he's mostly indignant that it will make G1 happy.  I told him I respect his opinion, I'm sorry it upsets him, but it's my decision, it's our wedding, and this is what we will be doing and I hope he can move past it.

Now that the save-the-dates were sent out last week and people are receiving them, he wants me to call up my Aunt and explain why she isn't invited.  Say wuh?!  Yep.  And my Mom says I don't have to call (I don't think I've ever spoken to this Aunt on the phone), but she'd like me to email to explain because my Aunt will just assume she's invited.  My Dad tells me to ignore them all, they're all crazy, and the Aunt will figure it out when she doesn't get an invite.  FI is (wisely) staying out of it. If she never speaks to any of us again, no one would miss her.  The only person in the whole family who likes her is GP, and G2 likes her relationship with my Aunt's kids but hates my Aunt.

What would you do?  How would you handle this?

LetsHikeToday

So I voted for number three. However, if I were you, I'd probably tell my grandfather he is welcome to call the aunt and explain it to her but that I wasn't going to do it. Since you're also close to Grandma 2, can you speak with her about it? Let her know the position you're in and see I'd she can call the aunt? If not, don't call or email your aunt. You do not have to do that and if anyone else wants it to happen, they should do it.

BinxRose

I feel like calling or e-mailing the aunt would be rubbing it in her face. Just leave it for now. If she contacts you wondering why she didn't get an STD or invite, then explain it to her.

I did not ask one of my sisters to be a BM in my wedding, because, frankly, she's a thoughtless biotch. I decided not to go right out and say "by the way, I am not going to be asking you to be a BM." I figured she would either figure it out, or if she asked, I would explain why.

Rethany

I wouldn't explain to her why she isn't invited unless she tries to contact you and asks.  If she is telling GP that she deserves an explanation, then she shouldn't be going through other people to get it.  She should be going straight to the source (you).

Also, I think your reasonings for not inviting your Aunt are extremely legit and you've done what should be best for all involved.

calindi

Thanks for the prompt responses.  Yeah, she'll NEVER contact me directly. She doesn't have my number.  And she won't even call my Mom - she'll just bitch about us to my grandpa and her children. And to be honest, I won't get the blame - my Mom will, and she's been a punching bag between her Mom, Dad, and sister her whole life! I told my Mom if she wanted to explain it, she could.

My grandfather is just pissed because he knows it will make G1 happy (and he can't stand anything that makes her happy).  He went so far as to say he "couldn't go where his daughter wasn't wecome" which really hurt my Mom, because my Aunt has never invited my Mom or any of us to anything for her kids ever, yet my Grandfather has gone to all their events.   His wife (G2) isn't much help as an ally, she's all about keeping the peace and supports her husband.

Part of me just wants to be blunt if it blows up in my face - "She's a thoughtles, selfish bitch who I am related to by blood and nothing else.  She knows nothing about me, I know nothing about her, I have no relationship with her or her children and she has not been nice to people I care about, specifically my grandmothers and my Mom.  She is not invited and that's final."

It's the one thing I want to be a bit bridezilla on.  I mean, come on people!

Sammy0709

I chose number 3.  I think that calling her when she doesn't even speak to you would just make a sticky situation even stickier.

CAB1217

Nope, you do not call her. No invite is enough. You don't need that added drama! And no, you're not being a bridezilla about it, either.

amh04

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_advice-tricky-situation-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:4dcececf-adc9-4cfa-8768-a3844ae32214Post:39468672-0c53-40a9-ab1f-60e91b1f6cc8">Re: Advice on tricky situation (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]So I voted for number three. However, if I were you, I'd probably tell my grandfather he is welcome to call the aunt and explain it to her but that I wasn't going to do it. Since you're also close to Grandma 2, can you speak with her about it? Let her know the position you're in and see I'd she can call the aunt? If not, don't call or email your aunt. You do not have to do that and if anyone else wants it to happen, they should do it.
Posted by LetsHikeToday[/QUOTE]

Ditto this! If your GP wants to explain that's fine but I wouldn't call your Aunt. She'll Get the picture with no invite. GL and I think you made a wise choice in not inviting her. Sorry you're dealing with this, family drama is tough.

tyleet87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_advice-tricky-situation-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:4dcececf-adc9-4cfa-8768-a3844ae32214Post:39468672-0c53-40a9-ab1f-60e91b1f6cc8">Re: Advice on tricky situation (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]However, if I were you, I'd probably tell my grandfather he is welcome to call the aunt and explain it to her but that I wasn't going to do it. Posted by LetsHikeToday[/QUOTE]



I vote this! :)