Long Time Lurker-First Time Poster

mykaela

Hello all, I am currently engaged to a sailor and have been for two very long months. Long because he wants to be the one to tell my family, you know ask for permission and their blessings. I have never kept anything from my parents for this long. He has been putting it off mostly because he didn't want to do it over the phone. We had been planning on visiting my family this summer but we found out his grandfather is very sick. In case anything happens while my FI is deployed, he wants to spend as much time with him as possible. He gave me the option of going home or going back east with him and I chose going back east with him.

I already have a lot planned and ready to go, mostly because I wanted to do as much as possible before he left so I could get his imput. I guess my question is how long should I wait before I reveal these plans to our families (his doesn't know either...a few friends know but thats it) with out it seeming like I rushed into everything with out thinking? I don't want him to tell my parents (which will hopefully be tonight since he gets off early AND my parents aren't working late tonight)  and then announce next week that we have our venue. What would you do in this situation? I would like to just tell them we have been engaged but he still like to ask their permission and FI doesn't want it to seem like he is being disrespectful. What would you ladies do?

kyrgyzstan

My FI asked my dads (SDad and father, not two gay dads lol, though I'd be fine with that) on the phone. 

Not telling for this long is getting ridic.

mykaela

My FI was out training until a couple of weeks ago, he left a few days after he popped the question.

Part of the waiting is probably my fault, my dad was forcibly retired from the military a few months ago and I'm scared they will think that this wedding is just one more money obligation. I've been trying to figure out a way of saying we can pay for this with out it sounding like I don't think they can handle it.

calindi

Perhaps start doing research on things you'd like, but don't book anything yet?

As far as money, perhaps you both should put together a budget of what you can afford for the wedding and plan with that.  Then when you tell your parents you're engaged, you can say, "FI and I have saved up and are really excited that we'll be able to pay for our wedding ourselves.  We were thinking about getting married in our family church, then having the reception at..."  (i.e. go straight into details to detract from the money conversation).  If they bring it up, you can say, "We'd both really appreciate if you were able to help us out.  Perhaps you'd like to pay for the venue, or the caterer, or something?"  They can feel involved by contributing to a specific part without a huge financial commitment to host the whole event!

greeneke2

I'm not trying to be rude, but if he was so concerned with getting your family's permission why did he propose without getting it first??

I see no issue with your fiance asking permission over the phone though.  That is what my fiance did since we lived 5 hours away from my family.

And honestly, I would let your family know that you are engaged and about your plans ASAP, because I know if I kept something like that away from my family for so long they would be very upset.

Lastly, why do you think people will think you rushed into anything?  Is it because you have so much planned out but haven't announced your engagement?  THAT part confuses me a bit.

And I def. agree with calindi about the paying part!

mykaela

He asked my parents tonight like he said he would .

When we got engaged we it was sorta of spur of the moment. He has a filtering problem when it comes to brain-mouth communication. We had been going through somethings and the day he asked we just got the word that his grandfather might have cancer (he does and he is doing a little better now that they are doing chemo). He hadn't planned for it to come out, it just did.

My family has been known for rushed engagements because of pregnancy, my sister being the most recent example. She got married two weeks before the baby was born (her husand is also navy and how I met my FI). They know I am very, very careful and I do not want children right now because I want to be young for a little while longer. But not all my relatives are like my parents. I don't want them to think we are getting married for the wrong reasons.

calindi- Thank you so much, I your suggestion and that's probably how I am going to ask them.

SamiJoeB

This is totally a moot point now, but H asked my parents on the phone.. because he was in Japan...

Welcome to the Board!!

kara811

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_long-time-lurker-first-time-poster?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:5174bd4e-4b2b-43ed-8c47-421e482d9fe2Post:cf6e2729-5a65-452d-87a7-d484153ca5f2">Re: Long Time Lurker-First Time Poster</a>:
[QUOTE]This is totally a moot point now, but<strong> H asked my parents on the phone.. because he was in Japan.</strong>.. Welcome to the Board!!
Posted by SamiJoeB[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Ditto this! We got engaged in Tokyo, and he called my dad afterwards for his blessing. </div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>Welcome to the Board!!</div>

firsttimersluck

haha my Fi asked my mom (I'm not close with my father) via facebook message while he was deployed.. He was pretty upset that it was his only real way to ask, since he is a southern man and that's a serious tradition apparently (not to the west coasters.. I was like.. really? That's tradition still exists?!) His message was really sweet, though, and made my mom cry aparently.

Beachy730

H never technically asked my dad, but when my dad told him he should go to his friend's jewlery store to look at rings, he knew he had his blessing.  

As for the money thing, you shouldn't ask your parents for any money, or bring it up to them.  If your parents like your FI and are happy with you marrying him, then i think they would genuinely be happy for you.  Like Calindi said you can just start telling them your plans.  If they mention money or whether or not they contribute, tell them that you have been saving so that you and your FI can pay for it yourselves.  If they offer to give you money or pay for it, it's your choice to accept or decline the offer.  But I would never say "we would love if you wanted to pay for ...."  While it may be traditional for parents to pay, it is not by any means an obligation, and you should never ask them to pay for it.  Your wedding is essentially just a big, unnecessary party (not knocking it, I had a big wedding, but it is unncessary), and you shouldn't expect or ask anyone to help pay for it.  But by all means, if they offer, accept it if you want.

calindi

My FI was adament that he wanted to ask in person, even though we live 2000 miles away from my parents.  So when we were all together for my half marathon in February, he was going to ask them while I was running.  3 hours of uninterrupted time together while I was sweating it out on the race course.  However, when the race was over and I was sitting in an ice bath and asked him how it went, he said he didn't get a chance since so many people were around.  So I told him to go up to my parents' room then and ask them if he wanted, or he could just wait and call.  So he went upstairs, knocked, and was turned away since my  Mom was in the bathroom.  So he came back all dejected and was like, "I can't ask!  We're leaving soon!  I won't get another chance in person!"  So I said, "Well, we have a few hours in the park - I could make myself scarce for a few minutes, or you could just ask them in front of me."  He said, "You wouldn't care?"  And I told him that of course I wouldn't care - it wasn't like it was a big secret that he wanted to ask them, and it was a modern-day couple twist on the tradition.  So he asked my parents in front of me whlie we were having a beer at the Epcot England pavilion.  It was very sweet and touching, and I'm really glad I got to witness it! My Dad even said, "Yeah, I knew this was coming. Well, a toast to a beautiful couple - be good to each other."

Aw shucks, I get choked up just typing about it.  It was a really great moment!

firsttimersluck

awww calindi that's suuuper sweet

shan87

My H asked my dad over the phone, but my mom in person. By Dad's health was fading rapidly and I told H that I didn't care when he asks me to marry him but it better ask my dad while he is still around. He wasn't going to see my Dad before he proposed, so he called him up. The first thing I said after he asked me to marry him was, What did my dad say?

Sometimes it doesn't matter the method, just that it gets done. I'm late to the party but glad it worked out for you.

heather0711

FI asked my parents while we were at all my college graduation. I had no idea. He had kept asking if my sisters were coming and I just assumed he was trying to avoid the annoyance but he really just wanted to talk to my parents. Apparently, my dad reacted right away, jumped up and hugged him. Meanwhile my mom said "thank god, someone wants her!" - she's lovely, really lol. 

The next day we left for a trip to Niagara Falls for my "graduation present vacation" and he proposed while we took a walk along the river at the Falls. 

Again, little late on all this but asking is asking, in person or otherwise. I'm glad this tradition has worked out so well for everyone here

calindi

My FI kept saying after he proposed about a month after he talked to my parents that he should have brought the ring with him and been waiting at the finish line for me.  I told him I would have had a heart attack, after running 13.1 miles to find him down on one knee at the finish line!  Gah, I literally would have died!  But what a way to go!!!

mykaela

Thank you so much for all your help and for your engagement stories! I'm sorry this took so long to reply to but we are going on leave tomorrow and I have been running around the last week trying to make sure we wont have any problems.