Bummed-small vent, kinda long

YoungDuo

well today was less than pleasant. My FI and I went to look at the reception hall I had agreed with my mom on. Note, my parents are being traditional and insisting on paying for the wedding which I am beyond grateful for. He hated the venue, but for the same reasons I didn't like it. It's at a hotel and it's 3 rooms combined but they are very narrow and the ceiling is kind of low. The lady in charge of receptions at the hotel said the room can seat 140 comfortably plus a dance floor. That was fine when we booked it, but our list has grown and my FI and I have already made cuts to make the list smaller. The list is bigger than I wanted but I also wanted to make sure everyone that we wanted there to at least be invited regardless of whether or not they showed. My mom is kinda pushy and likes to be in charge so since she really liked the location, I went with it even though I wasn't crazy about it. Now that the list has expanded and FI doesn't like it, we wanted to look and fine somewhere that was a little bigger and not as narrow, and that could accommodate more people. My mom flat out refuses and is being very stubborn about it. He and I have offered to pay my parents for the deposit ($150) so they aren't out any money. It frustrates me while yes they are paying, we aren't trying to be difficult, we want to make sure we have room for all our guests. I don't want to sound like a brat to my parents but I wish my mom would at least try to understand where we're coming from now that numbers have changed.

FI and I looked at a couple other venues today and we've decided that we're either going to pay for the reception ourselves so they don't have to worry or if they insist on being traditional, we're going to suggest that they pay whatever they would have at the hotel and he and I will pay the difference. Does that sound like a good compromise?

Sorry this was so long, it's so frustrating!

LOLways

Dude I hear you. My parents are insisting on paying (and therefore having their way quite often), and it's really not worth it most of the time. Once they started blowing up the guest list and insisting that they could do it because they were paying for most of the wedding... but complained about the ballooning cost, I pointed out that it would be a really great time to go ahead and cut the guest list. Hopefully if you can have a calm, rational dicussion with your parents, they can kind of calm down and see the reasoning behind it all.

Good luck:) And don't feel bad about venting, I seem to do it all the time!!

Zimsgirl

I'm sorry could you get a bigger venue?

KendallR10

Its stuff like this that I'm glad that we are paying for our own wedding and that the only help we are getting is for our paper stuff. 

I think you should just pay them back or sit down and tell them why you need a different venue and why you really don't like it. Point out that you really won't be happy there

YoungDuo

That's what FI and I are looking to do, but we're going to pay for it so my parents don't have to worry about it. He also didn't like it because there isn't room for a saber arch and he really wants one, especially since we've invited a General that will most likely show up. He wants to make a good impression..you know how men are. I personally want to dance and have a good time and not worry about space. We're supposed to hear back tomorrow on a venue we looked at today that we both fell in love with immediately and it has plenty of space, so fingers crossed!

shan87

Sadly if your parents are paying they get the final vote. My Mother contributed a lot to our wedding, but it came with a lot of strings.

If you are willing to pay for it yourselves they continue on your path, however it seems your mom is going to throw a fit regradless.

LetsHikeToday

Why does your mom want you to have it there so much? Maybe there is another venue with what she and you both like?

YoungDuo

shan- yes I'm fairly certain my mother is going to pitch a hissy fit either way.

Hike-I'm not sure why she is stuck on it, probably because it was like the cheapest place she could find that included food, alcohol and the rental fee. She got all p!ssed when she found out FIs parents went to look at the hotel venue because she doesn't think it's their business or place to do so. I understand that my parents are paying for it, but it's their son's wedding too and they have every right to be involved..not necessarily have a say in everything but to at least be involved.

He wasn't able to look at the hotel until this weekend because while he is only 2 hours away at Ft Bragg,  he has been swamped with work and getting ready for this training exercise in Indiana. So it hasn't been because he hasn't cared to look at it. I'm torn because it's my parents and my FI and I don't want to choose sides but ultimately, I would side with FI because we're getting married and it's a partnership. I'm just frustrated because she doesn't seem to have an open mind and it's just unnecessary drama right now.

I'm afraid that if he and I go to pay for the new venue we both found together and love, that it will cause unnecessary tension with my mom. I'm going to try to talk to my parents tonight, hopefully my mom will stay calm.

LetsHikeToday

I understand feeling kinda like you're in the middle. My parents paid for most everything. H's parents paid for the flowers. My parents were in a position to pay and his weren't.

Can you research other venues that have about the same cost? Maybe you and FI could pay a little bit extra.

I would research more and not talk to your mom about it until you have a great alternative.

YoungDuo

Good news is, the venue we found yesterday that we love is available! We're waiting to get the email on the food and alcohol menu with prices. We're going to discuss our price budget tonight. I mentioned earlier, but we're going to either pay for it ourselves, or if my mom decides to go with the new idea, then we're going to compromise with them and take whatever price they had decided on at the original venue and pay the difference so it doesn't cost them anymore. Hopefully it's still within a decent price range fingers crossed!

calindi

Also, for what it's worth, you can probably trim your guest list down more.  We were at 178 and I didn't think we could trim it.  But when we really thought about it, we ended up being able to trim it down to 145!  Don't think about "Who should we invite?" or "Who will expect an invitation and potentially be hurt if they don't get one?"  Instead, think about who you want to give a hug to right after getting married.  Think about who you can't imagine getting married without being there.  The neighbors that I grew up with were all very sweet, but I didn't absolutely need them at my wedding.

YoungDuo

That's a really good idea Cal. FI and I have trimmed down our guest list but have not asked his parents to trim theirs down. My parents have only invited like 27 people I think and our guest list is like 185 which freaks me out! I wanted no more than 150 to be invited and the list kept growing. How do I tactfully ask my FILs to trim their list down? I don't think they'll be offended, but I still want to maintain my great relationship with them. They understand why FI and I would like to change the venue but they also understand where my parents (more my mom) are coming from on not wanting to change the venue.

I'll have to talk to FI too. I've never seen a grown man pitch such a hissy fit, lol. He wasn't mean about it, he just didn't like the layout and said it wasn't what he had in mind and seems pretty unwilling to trying to make the current venue do-able. So we'll see how it goes!

LetsHikeToday

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_bummed-small-vent-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:5b102c76-6411-4965-9cf1-9265c3716658Post:48332909-ff3f-475a-87ae-1b22d75d3c27">Re: Bummed-small vent, kinda long</a>:
[QUOTE]That's a really good idea Cal. FI and I have trimmed down our guest list but have not asked his parents to trim theirs down. My parents have only invited like 27 people I think and our guest list is like 185 which freaks me out! I wanted no more than 150 to be invited and the list kept growing. How do I tactfully ask my FILs to trim their list down? I don't think they'll be offended, but I still want to maintain my great relationship with them. They understand why FI and I would like to change the venue but they also understand where my parents (more my mom) are coming from on not wanting to change the venue. I'll have to talk to FI too. I've never seen a grown man pitch such a hissy fit, lol. He wasn't mean about it, he just didn't like the layout and said it wasn't what he had in mind and seems pretty unwilling to trying to make the current venue do-able. So we'll see how it goes!
Posted by YoungDuo[/QUOTE]

How many people have his parents put on the list? I would just tell them that for budget and venue reasons, you'd like to keep the guest list at 150. You can invite X number of people.

That's how we did it with both sets of our parents. We wanted to invite 100 so my parents got 50 and his parents/him got 50. I added my friends to my parents 50 because they were paying so "my side" probably had about 70 invited. His parents were grateful for 50 so it was fine.

calindi

I think it's important you both really like the venue.  His feelings should be more important than your Mom's, even if she's paying.  Obviously she has to be happy with the venue, but he's the one getting married there.  I'd feel pretty upset, too, if I felt I was being railroaded into a venue I hated.  On the other hand, he might have these ideas he's not communicating and doesn't understand the options.  Ask him to help you find venues that will work with the budget and the requirements.  Try being rhetorical with your mother - "Mom, would you really want FI to feel so upset about where he's getting married?  Do you think we could try to find a place that fits all our needs?"  She'd look like a brat to say no and will likely acquiesce.

See, I attacked the guest list from a different angle, which I would highly HIGHLY recommend to any bride (it's a bit tougher if they've already made a list).  We figured out the budget and the total amount of guests we could accommodate based on the quality of wedding we hoped to host and the venue we had selected - ideally 170, max 180 (would be a bit cramped for seating).  Then we divided that by 3 - one third for my family, one third for his family, and one third for our friends.  We divided our friends in thirds again - mine, his, ours.  Then we each filled out an Excel spreadsheet with those names that were most important to us.  I filled out my family and my friends - he filled out his family and his friends.  There were 6 mutual friends that were important, so they got slid right in the middle.  Then we went to our parents with our family lists already written and said, "This is who I want to invite from our family.  What do you think?"  And then we discussed any questions - "No, Aunt Susie didn't make my list because I haven't seen her since I was 5 years old.  Is it really important to you that she's there?"  With my family, there ended up being only one piece of drama - my Mom's sister, because my grandma won't go if she goes, but my grandpa is upset his daughter isn't invited (especially because it's done as a favor for his ex-wife).  With FI's side, we have yet to see the full effect because his Mom keeps talking about "sending us her list" and FI keeps telling her that she doesn't get a "list", she can make suggestions but that he gets the final say (she's not paying for anything). 

If they're paying, they get a bit more say.  But you can still say, "We can only accommodate 150 people in the venue, so we've divided it into thirds - one third for FI's family, one third for friends and guests of the bride & groom, and one third for our family.  So you can fill 50 seats.  I'd really like it if these 20 people were invited (grandparents, close cousins, etc.) but you're free to fill the other 30 seats however you want."  Then if they send you a bigger list, you just ask them to trim it down to the requisite number.  "I'm really sorry, we just can't accommodate that many people."

The important thing is that you deal with your family, your FI deals with his family.  That way they can't make their new son/daughter-in-law into the bad guy.

YoungDuo

His parents have invited 49, he invited 47, I've invited 37, my parents have invited 27 and we've invited 14 family on each side so 28 total which brings us to 188 total invited but that does not include the Bridal Party and their dates. FI and I have a lot of mutual friends and he and I have trimmed our lists down. His parents make up the bulk of the list. My mom has not seen that yet and I'm trying to avoid it if possible because I don't want to start any other arguments about that with her either. I guess making cuts from their side is what needs to be done. I hate drama and I hate causing stress, I hope they are as understanding as I am predicting them to be.

calindi

You need to talk to him about his list - he can get that down to 40, I'm sure.  And have him talk to his parents.  If your parents are paying, I have a feeling they'd be really PO'd if they found out your in-laws are inviting double what your family and friends will be.  Tell your FI your parents made a cap, and that his parents are welcome to have a few more but unfortunately they'd have to pay per head to cover it.  Or they can have more up to what the venue will accomodate, anyway!

LetsHikeToday

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_bummed-small-vent-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:5b102c76-6411-4965-9cf1-9265c3716658Post:40f172d5-2f80-4165-b92c-624ad4d128d9">Re: Bummed-small vent, kinda long</a>:
[QUOTE]His parents have invited 49, he invited 47, I've invited 37, my parents have invited 27 and we've invited 14 family on each side so 28 total which brings us to 188 total invited but that does not include the Bridal Party and their dates. FI and I have a lot of mutual friends and he and I have trimmed our lists down. His parents make up the bulk of the list. My mom has not seen that yet and I'm trying to avoid it if possible because I don't want to start any other arguments about that with her either. I guess making cuts from their side is what needs to be done. I hate drama and I hate causing stress, I hope they are as understanding as I am predicting them to be.
Posted by YoungDuo[/QUOTE]

Have you given them a number of people they can invite yet? If not, I think you should tell them you can invite X number of people and let them make the cuts.