How did you...

amh04

So, just as I thought my FMIL is feeling left out when it comes to our wedding planning. I thought she didn't care and was too absorbed in my FSIL's planning. I've gotten over all the hurt/discontent that's been caused from the whole date selection drama. FI is her only son, and I want to keep her in the loop and make her feel as included as I can. Any suggestions on how to do this? I've already emailed her wedding dress pictures, and the venue site and what not. (She is in KY and we are in FL) But how else can I make her feel included? TIA.

calindi

Gah, I don't know!  Sorry!  I don't know how I'd even begin to involve my FMIL and FSILs as I'm really doing everything myself, and they live too far away to help with DIY projects.

I guess my suggestion would be ask for her advice on things you don't particularly care one way or another - so have her be the tie breaker when you are deciding between two things.  That way she feels she has input, and meanwhile you're making sure it's limited to things you already know you like.  Like, "My florist suggested peonies were too expensive - what do you think of garden roses?  Or is there another flower you'd suggest?" 

firsttimersluck

Ask her if she would like to do a reading during the ceremony. Tell her that she could pick out a few that she loves and you can help narrow it down to one, or if she would rather you just pick one out that's not a problem either.

Zimsgirl

This may sound bad but I don't want my FMIL involved much. She hasn't had the best ideas in the past and it seems like she's always critiqueing what we want. FI is pretty much good with whatever I want but she doesn't seem to be. She badgered me about asking his sister to be a BM but we're not very close and she'd only be 13. FI didn't want her to be one because he didn't think it'd be appropriate for his 20-something year old buddies to be walking her down the aisle so she's doing a reading. I suggested to his mom that she do a reading and light the candles to start the ceremony but his mom hated the candle idea. She was like she's not an accolade and won't like wearing the white outfit over her dress. BUT she's not an altar server and wouldn't have to wear that. My brother lit the candles at my cousin's wedidng and wore his dress clothes. Our relationships a mess

calindi

Katelyn - that sounds tough, and I do understand.  I don't always (okay, ever) like my FMIL's style either.  She showed up to FSIL's wedding in a skin-tight skin-colored silk dress.  Yeah, it looked like she was naked.  If she shows up in that same dress, I'm just going to smile and ignore it.

Perhaps it would be worth being a bit more flexible?  You will have to deal with his Mom for the rest of your life.  It's pushy of her to tell you who to have as a BM, though I don't personally understand the argument about not being appropriate to walk down the aisle with a 20-something year old.  If you don't want her as a BM, then you simply don't need any other reasons.  None of FI's sisters are my BMs.  I do think having his sister do a reading is great.  What about asking her to put together a photo slideshow of you both for the rehearsal dinner?
 
What about if you did a unity candle, and had both Moms come up and each hand you a candle to light one together?  Symbolizing your family supporting you each founding your own family together.

amh04

Calindi - I love the idea of the ceremony reading and the unity candle. I plan on asking for her input on the ceremony music - I could really care less about it to be truthful. Horrible me. LOL. If there is a reading in our ceremony I was going to ask one of my FSIL's to possibly do it but idk. I appreciate the idea's ladies. I just want her to not feel excluded.

Zimsgirl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_did?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:5e284dda-b721-4ebe-b27f-7e935d1a8aa5Post:d8e14e64-a678-43bb-86fe-ce9f6b65753f">Re: How did you...</a>:
[QUOTE]Katelyn - that sounds tough, and I do understand.  I don't always (okay, ever) like my FMIL's style either.  She showed up to FSIL's wedding in a skin-tight skin-colored silk dress.  Yeah, it looked like she was naked.  If she shows up in that same dress, I'm just going to smile and ignore it. Perhaps it would be worth being a bit more flexible?  You will have to deal with his Mom for the rest of your life.  It's pushy of her to tell you who to have as a BM, though I don't personally understand the argument about not being appropriate to walk down the aisle with a 20-something year old.  If you don't want her as a BM, then you simply don't need any other reasons.  None of FI's sisters are my BMs.  I do think having his sister do a reading is great.  What about asking her to put together a photo slideshow of you both for the rehearsal dinner?   What about if you did a unity candle, and had both Moms come up and each hand you a candle to light one together?  Symbolizing your family supporting you each founding your own family together.
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]<div>My mom and 2 of my siblings are already doing the slideshow. I guess I should elaborate on my FMIL. When FI was in the hospital his family would get updates. She would never tell me the updates. The only ones I got were when FI called. Also whenever a dr entered the room she'd make me leave. Once FI was discharged he had to see a case manager the next day. She made me wait in the waiting room for an hour and a half with his wheel chair and glared at the receptionist when the receptionist said I could go back there. Our relationship really suffered after those 2 weeks. FI blew up at her because he was so frustrated. I've just been really closed off since and it's been hard for me to let her in 

</div>

calindi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_did?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:5e284dda-b721-4ebe-b27f-7e935d1a8aa5Post:19865234-1b50-4026-9bbe-5bbf7d1c6c76">Re: How did you...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How did you... : My mom and 2 of my siblings are already doing the slideshow. I guess I should elaborate on my FMIL. When FI was in the hospital his family would get updates. She would never tell me the updates. The only ones I got were when FI called. Also whenever a dr entered the room she'd make me leave. Once FI was discharged he had to see a case manager the next day. She made me wait in the waiting room for an hour and a half with his wheel chair and glared at the receptionist when the receptionist said I could go back there. Our relationship really suffered after those 2 weeks. FI blew up at her because he was so frustrated. I've just been really closed off since and it's been hard for me to let her in 
Posted by Zimsgirl[/QUOTE]

Yep, that sucks.  And it sounds like she's got some issues and isn't the nicest person.  Unfortunately, you're going to have to be the bigger person here.  I just personally cannot see myself being a wedge between my FI and his family, and that's what happens when there is on-going tension like this.  At least when you try over and over to include her, it makes it all the more obvious who the person is causing the trouble.

firsttimersluck

Also, maybe you could ask her to pick out some songs as possible songs for the mother/son dance. Then she can be involved regarding something that is ABOUT her.

Zimsgirl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_did?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:5e284dda-b721-4ebe-b27f-7e935d1a8aa5Post:ac84c4e5-0913-47fa-83f3-db4f6d9b601c">Re: How did you...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How did you... : Yep, that sucks.  And it sounds like she's got some issues and isn't the nicest person.  Unfortunately, you're going to have to be the bigger person here.  I just personally cannot see myself being a wedge between my FI and his family, and that's what happens when there is on-going tension like this.  At least when you try over and over to include her, it makes it all the more obvious who the person is causing the trouble.
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]
Yeah things are gradually getting better. I guess she told FI that she thinks I don't like her before all of this so I'm wondering what I did there because I loved her. I thought hey I'm getting a great mother in law so I have no clue what she thinks anymore.

SamiJoeB

I had my MIL select pictures and music for H's part of the slide show.  We had like 5 pics of me as a baby, 5 pics of him, it was kind of long, but it was just in the background while people we're getting their food (We had a buffet), and then... we played "It's a wonderful life".  MIL also picked our venue, she got a little too big for her britches and tried to talk my H into moving the date up (without ever talking to me about it, and in like July..) and I was like.. Um.. No.  We used to get along really well, but not any more.. She tried to make everything about her the entire weekend.  She volunteered to help put OOT bags and favor bags together, but then said that my family made her "nervous" and she had to got back and take a xanex.. She was full of the drama. 

Katelyn-Are you picking your Acolytes or just going with whoever they can get?

Zimsgirl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_did?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:5e284dda-b721-4ebe-b27f-7e935d1a8aa5Post:45136dd4-2bb6-453b-8006-02bc9d85370f">Re: How did you...</a>:
[QUOTE]I had my MIL select pictures and music for H's part of the slide show.  We had like 5 pics of me as a baby, 5 pics of him, it was kind of long, but it was just in the background while people we're getting their food (We had a buffet), and then... we played "It's a wonderful life".  MIL also picked our venue, she got a little too big for her britches and tried to talk my H into moving the date up (without ever talking to me about it, and in like July..) and I was like.. Um.. No.  We used to get along really well, but not any more.. She tried to make everything about her the entire weekend.  She volunteered to help put OOT bags and favor bags together, but then said that my family made her "nervous" and she had to got back and take a xanex.. She was full of the drama.  Katelyn-Are you picking your Acolytes or just going with whoever they can get?
Posted by SamiJoeB[/QUOTE]
We're just going with whoever they pick. I don't know any

mob2689

We lit the Unity candle, picked a school age and baby picture for the guest book table, and we both chopped so much fruit I can't touch another knife!

We both gave DD something old to carry down the aisle. Mine was a Hungarian embroidered hanky that was my grandma's and the MOG gave her, her Grandma's sapphire ring(so she had the blue too) we both let DD keep them but she didn't know until after the ceremony was over and she tried to give them back to us.

KendallR10

I'm asking his mom with help on my flowers and baby pictures of FI. and anything else I think she could help with. I'm a control freak so having her help is a big step

amh04

Thanks for the much need advice ladies! You guys are wonderful!! I really appreciate all of the input.