New Army Wife. Need help with etiquette!

laceyed

I'm so new to married life and military life. Happy I found this forum! I posted in the etiquette forum and felt like some of the ladies were so rude! Maybe they don't understand.

My issue is that we were engaged and decided to have a courthouse ceremony with only our two witnesses. We both have large families and it was a huge surprise to them when we told them we married instead of waiting til he returned from deployment.

Now, we both still want the wedding, but I feel it might be rude. I'd like to at least have a celebration of some sort. With this being so quick and him being gone, we both have lots of family members left to meet. And our hometowns are far apart so we'd like to get everyone together.

I can do without the traditional bachelorette party and showers, etc. But I'd still like some sort of tradition. Someone mentioned a convalidation in the Catholic church, which would be great...

Anyother thoughts? I'd really appreciate help from the militiary gals who understand how different it can be!

firemedicrr

First of all, congratulations on the marriage, and welcome to the board here

Usually the big stink with this comes when you tell people it's your wedding, when technically what you're planning is a vow renewal or a post-wedding family reception celebration.... you're already legally married, so it's not a wedding. 

IDK if this helps you or not, but my FI and I have decided that because he grew up on the west coast and I grew up on the east coast, we're having 2 separate events. All family is invited to our actual wedding and reception in Virginia, but we know some can't come and lots of friends can't either, so we're having a separate reception a few months later on the west coast- but it's more a congratulatory party than anything, so maybe that doesn't help? But those in attendance will know that we're already married, and it's just a party to all meet basically. I guess it depends on what's important to you... do you want the flowers, formal ceremony, white dress- or do you just want to have a  celebration and meet/greet with family?

ggirl2001

I'm on my phone so I apologize for any strange errors that happens. Congrats on your marriage! As long as you aren't lying to your guests you can have a celebration. I would skip all the prewedding parties and have the convalidaton and reception to follow. For the record, no one on E was mean to you. They were giving you correct advice. You can't plan a wedding since you are already married but you can plan a vow renewal or a party.

Beachy730

Yeah I just read your post on E and there wasn't anyone who was rude to you.  You do not at all have a unique situation as tons of people get married at the courthouse for one reason or another and want a party later.  

As was already said on there and here, just don't lie to people.  If you are doing it in a Catholic church it was be a convalidation ceremony where your marriage is being recognized by the church.  Write your invitiations to say "convalidation ceremony" instead of wedding if you want to properly follow etiquette.  Bascailly none of your guests should think that they are coming to witness you getting married if you are in fact already married.

Also, since you are already married, you don't get the pre-wedding parties like a bachelorette or shower.  Getting married this way was a choice you made, so embrace that you are already married and not a new bride.

Lastly, please don't assume that just because you're a military bride, as are we, that people should let you do whatever you want.  We all make choices when we get married.  I chose to bump our wedding up 5 months to have the type of wedding we wanted before PCSing, and a JOP was not what we wanted.  I had to give up a few things that I would have liked for our wedding, but it was a choice we made so we dealt with it.  Marrying a SM doesn't give us a pass to do whatever we want in life and have people accept it.  So you should also accept that there might be some people who aren't happy with what you did and don't want to come to your ceremony.  There is nothing you can do about that, and that is their choice to make.

laceyed

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_new-army-wife-need-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:5eeabbb0-e9b4-4084-bd72-f648bc1d3f08Post:e210309a-92cc-41be-af3f-920af54fb2e4">Re: New Army Wife. Need help with etiquette!</a>:
[QUOTE]my FI and I have decided that because he grew up on the west coast and I grew up on the east coast, we're having 2 separate events. All family is invited to our actual wedding and reception in Virginia, but we know some can't come and lots of friends can't either, so we're having a separate reception a few months later on the west coast- but it's more a congratulatory party than anything, so maybe that doesn't help? But those in attendance will know that we're already married, and it's just a party to all meet basically. I guess it depends on what's important to you... do you want the flowers, formal ceremony, white dress- or do you just want to have a  celebration and meet/greet with family?
Posted by firemedicrr[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>thank you! that is exactly the type of idea i was looking for. a congratulatory get together is more along the lines of what i was thinking! i don't want to wear a big, fancy wedding dress, but do you think it'd be appropriate to wear a simple, floor length white or ivory gown? or is that too much?

</div>

Zimsgirl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_new-army-wife-need-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:5eeabbb0-e9b4-4084-bd72-f648bc1d3f08Post:dd06f4f3-ebcf-4d2d-8942-8f447bdb0556">Re: New Army Wife. Need help with etiquette!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: New Army Wife. Need help with etiquette! : thank you! that is exactly the type of idea i was looking for. a congratulatory get together is more along the lines of what i was thinking! i don't want to wear a big, fancy wedding dress, but do you think it'd be appropriate to wear a simple, floor length white or ivory gown? or is that too much?
Posted by laceyed[/QUOTE]
I personally don't see why not. These ladies have a lot better advice than I could give just wanted to say congrats and welcome!

amh04

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_new-army-wife-need-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:5eeabbb0-e9b4-4084-bd72-f648bc1d3f08Post:dd06f4f3-ebcf-4d2d-8942-8f447bdb0556">Re: New Army Wife. Need help with etiquette!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: New Army Wife. Need help with etiquette! : thank you! that is exactly the type of idea i was looking for. a congratulatory get together is more along the lines of what i was thinking! i don't want to wear a big, fancy wedding dress, but do you think it'd be appropriate to wear a simple, floor length white or ivory gown? or is that too much?
Posted by laceyed[/QUOTE]

I agree with Zim's I don't see why it wouldn't be. I think all the PP's have given some great advice. I just wanted to say Congratulations and welcome.

SamiJoeB

Congrats and Welcome!! Ditto PP's (Especially GG & Beach.. they both made excellent points).  You'd be planning a Vow Renewal... though  you could always just have a fun party with your families to celebrate your wedding!! My H and I are kind of considering something like this as we were married, but on the west coast where he's from and a week before Christmas so only my very immediate family were able to come.  We a thinking about having like a backyard bbq type thing to welcome my H to the south!!  I won't wear my wedding dress (Mostly because it won't fit anymore Yay Weight Loss!!) and because we want to do this in the summer! I might wear like a strapless white dress, but that's because it so hot and humid outside my heavy dress would leave me pretty uncomfortable.  KWIM?  As long as you're up front and honest about what your guests will be attending, you should be pretty good to go.

LuluP82

We did this last year. We invited people to a blessing of our marriage, and had a religious service followed by a dinner and dancing reception.

I did wear a white dress, we had our siblings stand up with us because they wanted to. Everyone invited knew we had been married by a JOP and didn't really care. Most people gave us presents. I didn't have a shower or other pre-wedding parties cause it's kind of tacky, but otherwise we did things pretty traditionally (i.e., I danced with my dad, we danced together, we had a pretty cake that we cut, etc.). We didn't do throws or grand exits and entrances or anything that we felt would be ridiculous for people who had been married already.

firemedicrr

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_new-army-wife-need-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:5eeabbb0-e9b4-4084-bd72-f648bc1d3f08Post:dd06f4f3-ebcf-4d2d-8942-8f447bdb0556">Re: New Army Wife. Need help with etiquette!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: New Army Wife. Need help with etiquette! : thank you! that is exactly the type of idea i was looking for. a congratulatory get together is more along the lines of what i was thinking! i don't want to wear a big, fancy wedding dress, but do you think it'd be appropriate to wear a simple, floor length white or ivory gown? or is that too much?
Posted by laceyed[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I don't see why not. One of FI's cousins had a similar thing this year (she and her hubby are SM's and they got married in England and wanted to celebrate with the family at the reunion this past August) and they wore regular clothes but she wore a little tiara with a veil and he wore a tie over his tshirt. It was cute and very them- everyone knew they were married but everyone wanted to celebrate with them. </div><div>
</div><div>For our family celebration, I'm not sure what I'll wear yet, but I might wear whatever dress I pick out as my going away dress from our actual wedding/reception, but I'm not sure. Basically, it's a party for you guys so wear what you want (tho I wouldn't wear a wedding dress personally) just be sure that everyone knows you're already married. </div><div>
</div><div>Our invites to this will basically say that people are invited to a celebration to honor our recent marriage. That way it's super clear. We aren't doing any sort of service along with it, but we have family who might read some verses for us (but we're both really religious too, so its suited for any kind of family gtg we have). </div><div>
</div><div>HTH</div>

laceyed

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_new-army-wife-need-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:5eeabbb0-e9b4-4084-bd72-f648bc1d3f08Post:46dbd1ef-afe8-4b9e-9c89-2f97dae44625">Re: New Army Wife. Need help with etiquette!</a>:
[QUOTE]We did this last year. We invited people to a blessing of our marriage, and had a religious service followed by a dinner and dancing reception. I did wear a white dress, we had our siblings stand up with us because they wanted to. Everyone invited knew we had been married by a JOP and didn't really care. Most people gave us presents. I didn't have a shower or other pre-wedding parties cause it's kind of tacky, but otherwise we did things pretty traditionally (i.e., I danced with my dad, we danced together, we had a pretty cake that we cut, etc.). We didn't do throws or grand exits and entrances or anything that we felt would be ridiculous for people who had been married already.
Posted by LuluP82[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Oh, I love this idea! Thank you!

</div>

divinemsbee

I'm jumping in here pretty late, but if you're going to try to do a convalidation, you need to see a priest ASAP. It's tricky because some will let you have a ceremony with guests that looks a little like a wedding, and for some it's paperwork that can be completed in 15 minutes with a few witnesses. It's also up to the diocese and the individual priest or bishop as to whether it's even approved at all. You'll need all of your and your husband's baptismal records and what-not as well. I might ask the ladies on the Catholic board a little about it. I know a bit because my friend just got one this summer, but it still wasn't a walk in the park.