Can I punch my mom in the throat?

kellieinkc

So we're planning this wedding in KC, and the 'rents (and most of our guest list) live in Ohio.  My mom threw a drunken screaming crying FIT that she didn't get to go dress shopping with me and my future MIL did.  Which would be a little upsetting, sure, until you realize that they just happened to be in town when my favorite designer was having a trunk show, which I would have either missed and had to pay more for or be the sad sack older bride that goes alone.  But no, she's just concerned with what "your future mother-in-law did to MEEEEEEEEE."  Can't be happy that her daughter found a goddamn wedding dress.  Grrrrrrrrr.

So to make up for it I'm trying to include her when she comes out here.  The problem is she can't commit to a date to come out here.  Fine, I get that money's tight and she needs about $1500 in dental work, but she's still mad at me.  I run the risk of losing first choice (and often cheaper) vendors by waiting for her to commit.

Then she decided she wanted to come out in June, which is when FI's parents traditionally come out because FI's and his dad's birthdays are about a week apart then, so we do the family celebration thing.  Now she's pissed because she thinks I'm picking them over her.  I mean, seriously, they get 2 weeks a year here, the other 50 are yours to choose from. 

I'm just over her fricking drama.  I'm going to stop telling her things.

CAB1217

LOL, ugh. Moms. Yeah, my mom is alllll jealous that I "get to" live with MIL and not her. I was like, uhhhhh, ladie, I don't wanna live with either ONE of you! But, she's still jealous. So stupid.
Anyway, I would have totally kept that from my mom, and told her "whoa is me, I went alone"... but that's me, being captain hindsight.

calindi

Ugh... yuck.  Sorry she's doing all that.

Short answer - you could punch her in the throat, but you really don't want to.  But it would be fun... but it wouldn't be worth it.  Yes, do stop telling her things.

My grandma is similar - nothing we do is good enough, and allowing anyone to know or be a part of any little bit is something is something we're excluding her from intentionally, in her mind.  It's like the world revolves around her.  I don't tell her anything beforehand, and I include her in some details afterwards so she feels included.  Like I told her our menu last night.  But she knows nothing about my dress, I don't want her opinion on it.

Include her in a dress fitting, and details that are pushed down the road.  Just hire the vendors you need to hire, and let her help you figure out details with them.  Give her a job you don't care about - let her design the programs, or pick a cardbox, or whatever.  Just give her something to be 'in charge of' so she feels like she's included.

I've handed over flowers entirely to my Mom.  I trust her taste, and she loves having something that's just hers that she can surprise me with at the wedding.  If I wanted them a specific way, I'd be more involved, but it's something I can deal with whatever she comes up with in the end.

kellieinkc

Yeah, that's what I did with my first wedding.  She planned the shower (I know, I know, you're not supposed to have family plan the shower, but oh well).  By the time that was over and done with everything was already planned and it was like "Sorry!  Contract's already signed."

I wonder if she'd want to plan the post-wedding brunch...OMG...BBQ...you ladies are brill!

SamiJoeB

Before I even read this I just wanted to say "Sure! go for it!"..  I don't really have anything constructive to add to this other than that.. and I'm sorry that she's driving you a little bit crazy, but hey.. that's what moms are for right?..

CozyHeart13

Your mom sounds like my ex-MIL, only she didn't just whine about it, she did what she wanted and told us to accept it. My mom came out to visit at the same time I had my ultrasound to find out DD was a D not a S... she found out about it and three days later showed up at our front door. We lived 18 hours from her... This happened anytime my family came to visit, and then she would complain about the humidity, lack of entertainment, etc... gosh, I miss that woman.

Anyway, for the wedding planning part, she was closer to us than my fam and none of her other kids had the desire to ever marry, so I let her play the mom part for a bit. She stood me up every time we made plans to do something. Finally, I told her she should throw all her attention into the rehearsal dinner instead of on my wedding (they had already offered to host, so I wasn't asking for it) and she should make it exactly what she thought was perfect. It was everything she thought should be part of the wedding that I had veto'ed, so she got her way and I got her out of my wedding plans.
 
(PS: I did the whole wedding dress shopping alone thing, but I wasn't a sad sack older bride... at least I don't think I was...)