Losing Patience

heather0711

Is every mother-in-law always so gosh darn miserable???? UGH, I'm trying so hard to keep the peace since FI is deployed but I really am reaching my breaking point. 

Yesterday she informed me that I was making all the decisions and that it would be nice if I waited to make some descions until FI came home in Sept/Oct-ish. This would all be fine if 1) she said it in a tone that as at least mildly respectful or 2) if he hadn't had a say in literally EVERYTHING so far. 

My parents flew him home a few months before he deployed so that he could come see venues. Then when he was home on pre-deployment, he pricked out invitations and he helped with colors and menu and all kinds of other stuff that I did way early since he was going to be gone for a large part of the planning. Every night I write to him and let him know if anything has been decided or if I have time to hear back his opinion on something, I let him know. He has told me multiple times to just do what I want because he trusts my decisions and knows whatever I decide will be perfect. He doesn't care if we get black napkins or light pink napkins. 

The wedding is in January, his EAS is the beginning of Dec...idk if she thinks I can throw together a wedding in 7 weeks or what but I'm sick of her petty comments abut what a bad job I'm doing. 

Sorry this was so long, I just needed to decompress a little bit. 

Hope you all have a lovely day

jesssull

Don't stress, even though it's oh so easy for them to push your buttons. I am going though similiar FMIL drama, but just try to smile and nod, and come vent to us instead. Some people just thrive on drama - I don't know if that's her MO or not, but I know that some people do. I know it's kind of overplayed to say, but as long as you and your FI are happy, it doesn't matter what she has to say. It sounds like you are including him in everything and that he really trusts your judgement, so it's none of her business. But I get what you mean - the snotty comments and tone of voice and attitude do wear you down after so long. I don't have any advice, because I'm dealing with my own FMIL drama and I'm not sure I'm handling it very well, so I don't know that anything I would say would be helpful instead of make things worse lol there are a ton of super smart and classy ladies on here though and I'm sure they will have more encouraging words than me. Good luck though, I'm wishing you the best and sending good thoughts your way

SamiJoeB

I have a theory about MIL's. We, as DIL's will never please them and they don't like that we have sex with their sons.. I used to have a great relationship with my MIL, but when I decided to move home to live with my parents instead of staying with her and paying her $500 rent every month, she flipped out and started treating me like crap.

My advice would be to nicely tell her that you consult your FI on everything, that he has told you what matters to him and that he has also told you to make decisions by yourself. Tell her that it would be impossible to throw a wedding together in 7 weeks, so the planning has to be done while he is deployed. Tell her that he is considered in all your planning (because I'm sure he is). Depending on the relationship you have with her (I'm catty by nature) I would also say that you don't appreciate her disrespectful attitude.

I'm sure you're doing the best you can, and I'm sure everything will turn out beautiful!! HTH

firsttimersluck

LMFAO @ Sami for the sex comment!

1. She doesn't know... and you have to remind yourself of that (or even her, in a nice way)  what she is saying is wrong, as he is very involved for a deployed man.

2. I'm happy that he is so involved, even through deployment. I bet it really keeps his moral up.

3. Does she live near you, or you just getting crap from her via phone/email?

4. sorry...

heather0711

She lives about 4 miles away from me. We go to the same gym and yoga class. We were atleast on civil terms with one another for a few weeks now and yesterday she shot it to hell. 

I literally had to hold back tears - I don't cry, ever, about anything but I was just so taken back by what she said and how she said it. It doesn't help that I've got laryngitis and an upper respiratory infection so I'm a litttttle extra cranky haha. 

I ended up writing a letter to FI, just expressing my frustration. I didn't say anything mean and I wrote that I didn't expect anything to be said or done - just wanted to make sure that he did feel like he was involved in it all and understood I'm trying as best I can to make sure he is as involved as possible.  

I'm just ready for him to be home!!!

And Sami, the sex comment pretty much made my day lol

firsttimersluck

I understand.
You were smart to write him about this, as he would definitely want to know. UGH that sucks that you guys go to the same gym. The gym is my little bubble (Confession: I made sure to talk "down" my gym to one of the wives in our squadron so she wouldn't join ours because it's kinad my ONE place that I like being MINE. I don't want to have to see her, as we don't get along, in my awesome classes there every day lol) so I can't imagine having to share it with someone that annoys me like a tough FMIL...

Honestly, I would tell her like it is.I'm not a confrontational person at all and HATE it when people think poorly of me... I'm usually good at fixing it nicely, but in a situation like this I think I would sit her down and tell her like it is. Did you like the invites? Fi picked them. Do you think this is a good first dance song? HE picked it... She is someone that you have to live with, and she needs to know howmuch you love him and care about him, and for that reason how involved he is. She shouldn't have a negative view of you when you are such a pleasant person that is doing the opposite of what she believes...

kara811

I guess I'm in the minority because I have a great relationship with MIL, but maybe it helps that we're far apart. lol

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, just tell her what you've told us. Her son has had involvement in the wedding from the beginning and he doesn't really care about other aspects of it as long as the 2 of you get married!

kyrgyzstan

My FMIL barely knows my name.

Your FI needs to handle this, not you. And yes, even when he's deployed. Send him an email and ask him to give her a call and tell her that he's perfectly happy with his involvement and whatever you decide. 

firsttimersluck

kara- I have a good rela with my FMIL as well. Not so much with the FSIL.. but MIL no problem lol.

kara811

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_losing-patience?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:6f13708b-9b98-45c1-9b3a-f99243309608Post:e8f37110-aa86-4459-942f-7e8d244528dd">Re: Losing Patience</a>:
[QUOTE]kara- I have a good rela with my FMIL as well. Not so much with the FSIL.. but MIL no problem lol.
Posted by firsttimersluck[/QUOTE]


Oh no, why not? SIL and I get along great. She's the only girl and has 5 brothers, so she's happy to have another girl in the family she says! lol  Actually, H's family loves me! They tell me that all the time, and I keep in contact with the ILs.

firsttimersluck

I 100% agree with Stan. I don't think the Mom is going to listen to you OP at this point, but she'll believe what her baby boy tells her.

Kara- She just is... touchy. She is best friends with FI's ex gf who is a little crazy and is one of those "you have to like her or by friends with me, but you can't be both" so, I think she feels a little loyalty towards her. She is a little upset that I'm not putting her in the WP, but we're getting her a corsage to match the mom so she is "denoted" as important, and she will be matching the WP in color so she looks good in the pictures... The family thinks she is bipolar, but no one will say anything on it and just puts up with her flip-flop mood.FI does NOT so they have a rough relationship, which is why he especially doesn't want her in the WP (he's worried she will throw tantrums and make it all about her, as she apparently has a habit of doing).

yes. Lol. Kara you and I just need to make our own thread for convo so we stop hijacking :P hahaha

kara811

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_losing-patience?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:6f13708b-9b98-45c1-9b3a-f99243309608Post:3daa66ab-051c-495a-986e-27b63ee8b042">Re: Losing Patience</a>:
[QUOTE]I 100% agree with Stan. I don't think the Mom is going to listen to you OP at this point, but she'll believe what her baby boy tells her. Kara- She just is... touchy. She is best friends with FI's ex gf who is a little crazy and is one of those "you have to like her or by friends with me, but you can't be both" so, I think she feels a little loyalty towards her. She is a little upset that I'm not putting her in the WP, but we're getting her a corsage to match the mom so she is "denoted" as important, and she will be matching the WP in color so she looks good in the pictures... The family thinks she is bipolar, but no one will say anything on it and just puts up with her flip-flop mood.FI does NOT so they have a rough relationship, which is why he especially doesn't want her in the WP (he's worried she will throw tantrums and make it all about her, as she apparently has a habit of doing). yes. Lol. Kara you and I just need to make our own thread for convo so we stop hijacking :P hahaha
Posted by firsttimersluck[/QUOTE]

She sounds like a peach no? But I get the friend loyalty thing, although she needs to understand that you will be a part of the family now. We shall make a thread, but I am about to hit the mall and stores(The H wants his care package sent ASAP!) , so maybe later? lol

firsttimersluck

LOL asap.. needy man yeah I know.. I told her that she is stuck with me in the family, because she doesn't control it but she does control who her friends are so if this girl is a good friend, I would never want her to feel like she has to pick sides. She has a girlfriend that just happens to be my FI's ex. Now that they aren't dating she is just another friend and that's how I see her. I would never tell her not to be her friend, but I also don't want to have to feel like I have to compete with her or be compared to her...
She took it well and the rela between us has gotten a little better now.
Have fun!

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_losing-patience?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:6f13708b-9b98-45c1-9b3a-f99243309608Post:3daa66ab-051c-495a-986e-27b63ee8b042">Re: Losing Patience</a>:
[QUOTE]I 100% agree with Stan. I don't think the Mom is going to listen to you OP at this point, but she'll believe what her baby boy tells her. Kara- She just is... touchy. She is best friends with FI's ex gf who is a little crazy and is one of those "you have to like her or by friends with me, but you can't be both" so, I think she feels a little loyalty towards her.<strong> She is a little upset that I'm not putting her in the WP, but we're getting her a corsage to match the mom so she is "denoted" as important, and she will be matching the WP in color so she looks good in the pictures... </strong>The family thinks she is bipolar, but no one will say anything on it and just puts up with her flip-flop mood.FI does NOT so they have a rough relationship, which is why he especially doesn't want her in the WP (he's worried she will throw tantrums and make it all about her, as she apparently has a habit of doing). yes. Lol. Kara you and I just need to make our own thread for convo so we stop hijacking :P hahaha
Posted by firsttimersluck[/QUOTE]

<div>I know you didn't ask, but if she isn't a BM you really shouldn't dictate at all what she wears.  She doesn't need to match the WP to look good in pictures, and if you already have a rocky relationship it will probably make her resent you more.  It could easily be taken as "I don't want you as a BM, but I want you to dress similar to one to make my pictures look nice."  I'm sure you don't mean it that way, but that's how it seems.  </div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>And on the MIL topic, yeah I definitely didn't win that lottery.  It's one thing I definitely don't mind about living on the other side of the country.  Most of the time she is tolerable because I don't have to deal with her much since she just calls H.  But when he is gone she calls me constantly and is overly dramatic and drives me insane.  H completely knows how she is, so once he was home I told her everything that happened while he was gone.  Basically she kept trying to prove to me that she was still his mom, doing things like trying to tell me when I could send care packages to him, calling frantically that she hadn't heard from him in a while and she was worried (even though I literally talked to her the day before and told her that I had just talked to him), and being a complete PITA about seeing me when I went home for Christmas.  There was many more instances, but that could take all day. </div><div>
</div><div>For me I realized the best way to deal with her was to make our relationship be on my terms.  When she calls I almost always just let it go to voicemail to see what she wants.  9 times out of 10 she doesn't want anything so I don't call back.  She sends me a lot of chain text messages that i just ignore.  It has made it so much easier, and so much less stressful on me to make the relationship be on my terms.  </div>

heather0711

Well, at least I know I'm not the only one! I kind of just ignore FSIL. She's in credibly immature and so beyond dramatic about everything. She threw a temper tantrum when FI was home on leave and told her he was deploying. I knew several weeks prior to this and his parents only knew about 2 weeks prior but he specifically said he wanted to tell her so no one said anything to her. She freaked out about it and then freaked out even more when she found out we all knew...his parents tried to tell her she was being silly - mind you, they didn't know I had knownfor almost 2 months. But I was not about to say anything, though sometimes I wish I had just thrown it in thier faces that I knew first. Just like I knew weeks before them when he joined the USMC.
I'm glad I wrote the letter to him explaining the situation. I know that if he does say something, it will hurt her more coming from him than anything I could ever say. That may not be the best place to be coming from on this, but honestly, that's why I told him. I want her to feel like an idiot when he confronts her about it. I'm hoping he does. But I also know he's got some other minor issues to take care of in Afghanistan ha. So we'll see. For now, I'm just going to try to have as little contact as possible. I'm going to rearrange my gym time around when I know that she's there because I'm entirely too stressed with school, job hunting, house hunting, wedding planning, hime being gone + her bs...noooo thank you!
Thank you for all the advice ladies. I always stop by here every once in a while but I definitely need to start coming more often!!

firsttimersluck

Beachy- you're misunderstanding 100% (not that that's your fault, as it's a forum and typing is not the best way of communication) I actually told her orginally to wear whatever she feels most comfortable in, and then got a mini lecture for "not caring" which made her feel left out. So I did a 180 and looked up a buncha dresses online with her to help her pick a dress out that is in a blue so that she matches and feels more "important" and part of the weddding. Does that make more sense? believe me, I did not want my first priority to dress my FSIL... but she had a fit that I don't care and she is just "left out as usual" and maybe she shouldn't even come to the wedding blah blah blah, which I was like.. fine.. We can send links back and forth to find a nice one for you. It shut her up quickly and now she is peachy.

Please woman.. I'm very well aware.. In fact, I didn't even tell the BM what so wear, they chose the dress and the shoes all matching themselves. I don't have the time or patience to deal with little clothing drama, as they are all big girls and can figure it out themselves :P

Beachy730

Okay, I didn't think you would do that based off your other post's, but that's what I thought when I read that.  And there are many brides that come on these boards wanting to have "honorary BMs" or "guests of honor" that wear the same color as the BMs, but aren't BMs.  So that's what I naturally thought when I saw that.  

firsttimersluck

Yeah when I saw what you "bolded" before I had read your post I was like, ooooh that probably sounds bad... haha

Fi cares more about everything than I do.. I mean.. I care but I don't want people uncomfortable... My FSIL just really wants to feel a part of it all and I get that. I'm TRYING to be sympathetic. I upset her once when I had said something like "You can even wear hot pink if you want, as long as your comfortable" she took that as "I don't give a crap what you think since you're not part of the bridal party". Women... />_<
This is what I get for marrying into a family with a BUNCH of photographers that care about this kinda stuff. I'm shocked I haven't seen a pic of them on awkwardfamilyphoto.com for how "matchy" they have to be in every. single. picture. lol!