Asked my SIL for suggestions- Now I want to take it back

Courtre

My deceased FIL who held on FAR to long towards the end.  My FI donated an organ even though they said that his father wouldn't last a year WITH it.  My FI spent much time with him on his "death bed."  His father shared hopes/wishes/dreams for my FI.  It's been 10 years since he died, and he's been to his grave once.  He has spent the last 10 years trying to achieve what his dad wanted for him.

I asked his sister for a "hint", or a "nod" toward her father that I could use.  I don't feel comfortable asking my FI.  I spent 1 hour forming an e-mail to explain that I didn't want something that would be obvious, and she recommended lighting a candle during the ceremony and playing a hymn. 

In reply, I spent ANOTHER hour explaining that my MIL would be sad that her partner was no longer with her (never remarried or dated)  One of my niece in laws were raised by my FIL.  Will she be thinking about how he can never be there at HER wedding? 

The next suggestion was a rose on the chair.  And a reminder that their father died 10 years ago.

Now I wish I had never ask.  To not do her suggestions seems like I don't WANT to honor her father.  Any guesses?

LiLe422

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_asked-my-sil-for-suggestions-now-i-want-to-take-it-back?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:acfb990a-402e-4075-8376-4061bc403c91Post:2aa30e0f-c2de-422c-b345-8a30600f4088">Asked my SIL for suggestions- Now I want to take it back</a>:
[QUOTE]My deceased FIL who held on FAR to long towards the end.  My FI donated an organ even though they said that his father wouldn't last a year WITH it.  My FI spent much time with him on his "death bed."  His father shared hopes/wishes/dreams for my FI.  It's been 10 years since he died, and he's been to his grave once.  He has spent the last 10 years trying to achieve what his dad wanted for him. I asked his sister for a "hint", or a "nod" toward her father that I could use. <strong> I don't feel comfortable asking my FI.</strong>  I spent 1 hour forming an e-mail to explain that I didn't want something that would be obvious, and she recommended lighting a candle during the ceremony and playing a hymn.  In reply, I spent ANOTHER hour explaining that my MIL would be sad that her partner was no longer with her (never remarried or dated)  One of my niece in laws were raised by my FIL.  Will she be thinking about how he can never be there at HER wedding?  The next suggestion was a rose on the chair.  And a reminder that their father died 10 years ago. Now I wish I had never ask.  To not do her suggestions seems like I don't WANT to honor her father.  Any guesses?
Posted by Courtre[/QUOTE]
Why are you uncomfortable asking your FI?  If you think he wont be on board, skip it altogether.  Your wedding day is supposed to be a day of celebration, not mourning. 

FWIW, just a suggestion when posting...you may want to re-read your post before you submit.  I'm sure its your auto correct, a few of your sentences don't really make sense.  Just for example..."To not do her suggestions seems like I don't WANT to honor her father."  I have no idea what that is supposed to mean.

MairePoppy

You should ask your fi. I know you think it will hurt him to think about this, but it will be worse for him to be surprised by some kind of memorial at his wedding. Please, please check with your FMIL and the niece, who was like a daughter to this man and his parents if they are still alive.

I think a candle on the altar is a dignified remembrance, a mention in your wedding program or a donation made by you and your fi to a charity that would honor his fathers memory would also be tasteful. But still, run it by the ones who were closest to this man.

When your fi has decided what- if anything-  he would like to do, inform the immediate family members, including his sister. You could tell the sister that her suggestions were helpful because they got the two of you thinking about a fitting memorial. Thank her.

For the love of God, do not place a rose on an empty seat. That is too, too sad.

MrsGandthebeag

You should definitely talk to your FI about this.  My father died about 4 years before my wedding.  We honored him by having his pic in a locket that was attached to my boquet.  My MOH also mentioned him briefly in her speech and we made a toast to him.  I agree with the others about an empty chair being morbid.  That would creep me out.  

renegade gaucho

This whole thing is very strange to me.  So you want to do a memorial, but not one that actually invokes memories of the deceased person?  If you don't want anyone, including your fiance, to realize it's a memorial, just don't do it.

BunnyChii

Ask your FI. It may be a tense or upsetting conversation, but you shouldn't feel like you can't talk to him about these things. 

My thought of honoring my grandmother (who was like another mother to me) was to have one of those little photo frames attached to my bouquet. It would be something just for me and those I let see. Very intimate and not making a spectacle like I feel an empty chair would. My grandmother is in heaven now...I don't think she has any use for earthly chairs!

Basically, just talk to your FI about this. It's something that's very intimate and important to HIM. He should be included in this discussion. And who knows? Maybe he doesn't want any tangible reminder of his father on his wedding day. He might just want to keep his father in his thoughts, nothing more. And that's okay. I also find it a bit strange that you feel okay talking about this with your SIL, but not your future husband..

KellyBrian2013

We had an "in memory" section on the back of our program that said something like "In memory of those who could not be with us today, but are here in spirit..." and listed DH's maternal grandpa, paternal grandma, and sister along with my paternal grandparents. We cleared it with all of the immediate family members, first. I also carried a necklace in my bouquet that I have that was made with diamonds from my grandmother's wedding ring as a way of having my paternal grandparents with me. It did set my dad into tears, even though he knew about it beforehand, but it was important to me to have.

[Deleted User]

I think it's touching you want to honor your FI father. But if I were in your shoes I would tell SIL thank you for ideas but after giving it some thought you've decided not to go with an obvious thing because you don't want to stir up sad feelings for anyone on a day that is suppose to be filled with joy.

After that, talk to you FI to see if he would like to do anything to honor his father. Maybe he can get a piece of jewelry from his mom that belonged to his dad (watch, cuff links, etc) to wear that day. Or if there was a certain flowr that his dad always gave to his mom, incorporate that into your flowers.

You can always include in your toasts something about "or thoughts are with those who aren't able to be here with us today" which covers people who have passed or not able to make it to the wedding who are still living.

If there is time, may make time the day before or even the day of, to stop at his dad's gravesite & leave a flower there. There are plenty of different ways that you and your FI can honor the memory of his dad, but include him on that decision. And if he says he doesn't want to do anything, respect that choice too.

Good luck!!

brittanycurtisjohnson

My FIs dad and grandmother were killed and I asked him if he wanted to do anything an he said no it would be too weird. It is no one else's place to say you have to do something as it is not really their wedding. It's you and your FIs. Just politely turn her suggestions down and say that we have decided not to because we don't want others to be saddened or shocked when they see it. Please don't spring it on your FI even 10 yrs may be too soon.

Jen4948

Find out if your FI wants to do anything before you do it.  Don't spring it on him.  He probably has his own ideas about what would be appropriate.

But whatever you do, I'd avoid any empty chairs or table settings.  Your wedding isn't a memorial to the deceased, so you need to keep it subtle and not in-your-face.