2 yr engagement turned to 4 months :)

J9andKev

Some of you know that my fiance and I were thinking about shortening our engagment and getting married before he deploys. After talking over our reasons for moving up the date, we came to the mutual agreement to get married this fall. We just went to my parish and surprisingly was able to get October 22nd. We're already registered for Pre-Cana classes and now have to find/book everything else. My questions are, how much does a wedding for about 150 ppl usually cost? I'm trying to get an idea of a budget and am scared we're going way over with everything. How much does it cost to get married in a Catholic church? (I forgot to ask the priest when we talked to him.) Any ideas on the best way to talk financials with you folks? Mine don't have any extra $$ floating around and don't know how to ask for help. My in-laws already said they would help, but I can't have them foot most of the bill. And for you ladies who have gone through a short engagment, any advice how to do it without going insane? 

Only non-judgemental advice please. Thanks

greeneke2

Honestly a wedding can cost as much or as little as you want it to.  But making it cost on the lower side might be a little harder in such a short period of time.

My wedding is for about 125 people and its costing us around 15-20K

greeneke2

Oh and getting married in the Catholic Church depends on your church.  My church requires you to be a member for at least a year (and regularly attend) if you aren't the fee is $1500.  That is something you will want to ask your priest.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_2-yr-engagement-turned-4-months?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:8aa83fad-d5a1-4fbf-afda-26188fc219c3Post:2489ed6d-8fbb-4e00-aa42-1c00f9f2ee31">2 yr engagement turned to 4 months :)</a>:
[QUOTE]Some of you know that my fiance and I were thinking about shortening our engagment and getting married before he deploys. After talking over our reasons for moving up the date, we came to the mutual agreement to get married this fall. We just went to my parish and surprisingly was able to get October 22nd. We're already registered for Pre-Cana classes and now have to find/book everything else. My questions are, how much does a wedding for about 150 ppl usually cost? I'm trying to get an idea of a budget and am scared we're going way over with everything. How much does it cost to get married in a Catholic church? (I forgot to ask the priest when we talked to him.) Any ideas on the best way to talk financials with you folks? Mine don't have any extra $$ floating around and don't know how to ask for help. My in-laws already said they would help, but I can't have them foot most of the bill. And for you ladies who have gone through a short engagment, any advice how to do it without going insane?  Only non-judgemental advice please. Thanks :)
Posted by J9andKev[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>First of all, please don't tell us what kind of responses you want to get back.  I don't see much that is judgeworthy in your post, but the fact that you are telling me not to be judgmental makes me want to be.  But I won't. </div><div>
</div><div>First and foremost, you don't ask anyone what they are contributing to your wedding, including your parents.  It is not anyone's job to pay for your wedding but you and your H.  If anyone wants to contribute, they will offer it.  If you and your H can't afford te wedding you want in October, then wait to get married, or scale back on what you want.  You are an adult and choosing to get married, and already said your parents don't have extra money floating around, so it would be incredibly rude and selfish of you to ask them to foot the bill for your party, which is what a reception really is.</div><div>
</div><div>There is no way to say how much a 150 person wedding would cost.  It completely depends on what type of reception you have, what time of day, and what you serve.  Some easy ways to save money are to have a lunchtime reception, or do a cake and punch reception at a non-meal time, and/or cut down your guest list.</div><div>
</div><div>The church won't "charge" you to get married, but they tell you a recommended donation, ours was $300 total.  

</div><div>We were engaged for about 8 months, but didn't start planning until about 5 months out because we were waiting on orders to set a date.  My best advice is to plan the main things first, which are ceremony and reception locations.  Since you already have a the church, you just need to focus on finding a reception venue.  Once those are booked, you can move on to things like a band or DJ, flowers, and photographer.  </div>

SamiJoeB

Ditto EVERYTHING Beach said, including your remark about only "non-judgemental" advice.. If you don't want to be judged, dont come on a message board and say "don't judge me" saying that immediately makes me think that you are an immature child. Also, I think by saying you don't want any judgemental advice, you knew from the get go that what you were asking would be frowned upon, or else you probably wouldn't have said that.

Maybe if you're so worried about the cost you should wait. Or cut down your guest list. I had about 40 people at my wedding, and I don't feel that I'm any less married because I had a small wedding. It is also extremly childish of you to expect your parents to pay. If your parents OFFER to pay, thats one thing, but expecting them to pay is selfish. And clearly you've already talked with your Future IL's, which IMO is tacky. As a consenting adult, you shouldn't get married until you are finacially stable enough to pay for your own wedding, without going into debt doing so.

greeneke2

Beach- it is not uncommon for Catholic Churches to charge you for your wedding.  Many churches do.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_2-yr-engagement-turned-4-months?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:8aa83fad-d5a1-4fbf-afda-26188fc219c3Post:bbc7e53c-1a4c-40e5-a584-6f8fc4fed4e9">Re: 2 yr engagement turned to 4 months :)</a>:
[QUOTE]Beach- it is not uncommon for Catholic Churches to charge you for your wedding.  Many churches do.
Posted by greeneke2[/QUOTE]

<div>I know they all have a fee, but they call it a donation.  I've never actually heard of a church not calling it a donation, but it doesn't mean it doesn't happen.  </div>

greeneke2

Oh well at the churches around here. If you have been a member for a certain period of time you pay a donation.  If you aren't a member but want to get married you get charged an actual fee!  I guess it is different everywhere.

kara811

Never heard of Catholic churches actually calling it a fee as well, it's always been called a donation. In my church, the recommended is $500 I believe, so it differs OP.

I ditto everything that Sami and Beach said as well. If you're old enough to get married, then you should be responsible for your wedding. It is very rude to ask your parents for contributions, especially since you already said they don't have much money. And like everyone said, the cost of your wedding entirely depends on your budget. We only had 100 people and it still cost a lot because of the things we wanted. But I read about other brides on the budget board with 150 guests and they're making do with $5000. Daytime weddings tend to be cheaper, also some people choose to do a weekday like a Friday. 

If you're so worried about money, you can always wait and save up as well. 

shan87

I have nothing further to add but perhaps checking with your local board to see what weddings run in your area. Check with several vendors and see how the compare with prices. We can't answer that question here because costs vary so much based on region.

J9andKev

First off, let me explain a few things, as some folks here misunderstood me. The "non-judgmental" line. I'm asking for advice, not for people to express their opinion on mine and my fiance's decisions. I know that changing a wedding date with this short of notice looks bad, and that's what I didn't want to be judged on. But that's too late. Doesn't matter, I should've expected it in the first place. Next topic: We have money saved, and are not expecting my parents to chip in. My mom has already expressed helping out a bit and I want to talk to my parents about what she meant. I wouldn't just randomly ask them for money. Seriously?! Do you girls really think I would do such a thing? Esp when I know their money situation? I don't know how to bring it up the subject, that's what I'm looking for advice on. Does this clear things up? You girls make me sound like I'm just jumping into this without thought or consideration for anyone besides myself. This is not the case. 

For the advice given, I appreciate it. Esp about the "cost" of getting married in a church. I was told by a friend that it can cost $1,000 and needed more input since I thought that sounded a bit high. And I do realize different weddings vary in cost even with the same amount of guests. I was looking for what you girls paid (if you don't mind me asking) and what I can expect since I'm putting together a budget and am on a very tight time schedule. It's just that my brain is going a mile a minute and advice from girls who have dont this already would be greatly appreciated. 

We have an idea on what we want, and we're basing everything off of "simple elegance." So we're trying to not have many extras, even planning to have the reception at a local park (I got the idea from back when weddings receptions were usually held in the bride's parents backyard). Again thanks to those who have helped already. 

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_2-yr-engagement-turned-4-months?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:8aa83fad-d5a1-4fbf-afda-26188fc219c3Post:b3575430-939d-4149-b2e7-a1e0328ee081">Re: 2 yr engagement turned to 4 months :)</a>:
[QUOTE]First off, let me explain a few things, as some folks here misunderstood me.<strong> The "non-judgmental" line. I'm asking for advice, not for people to express their opinion on mine and my fiance's decisions. I know that changing a wedding date with this short of notice looks bad, and that's what I didn't want to be judged on. But that's too late. Doesn't matter, I should've expected it in the first place. Next topic: We have money saved, and are not expecting my parents to chip in. My mom has already expressed helping out a bit and I want to talk to my parents about what she meant. I wouldn't just randomly ask them for money. Seriously?! Do you girls really think I would do such a thing? Esp when I know their money situation? I don't know how to bring it up the subject, that's what I'm looking for advice on. Does this clear things up? You girls make me sound like I'm just jumping into this without thought or consideration for anyone besides myself. This is not the case.</strong>  For the advice given, I appreciate it. Esp about the "cost" of getting married in a church. I was told by a friend that it can cost $1,000 and needed more input since I thought that sounded a bit high. And I do realize different weddings vary in cost even with the same amount of guests. I was looking for what you girls paid (if you don't mind me asking) and what I can expect since I'm putting together a budget and am on a very tight time schedule. It's just that my brain is going a mile a minute and advice from girls who have dont this already would be greatly appreciated.  We have an idea on what we want, and we're basing everything off of "simple elegance." So we're trying to not have many extras, even planning to have the reception at a local park (I got the idea from back when weddings receptions were usually held in the bride's parents backyard). Again thanks to those who have helped already. 
Posted by J9andKev[/QUOTE]

<div>Okay, you need to relax.  We  can ONLY base our advice on what you write.  Your original words asked how to discuss financials with your parents, because you don't know how to ask.  And that they don't have a ton of extra money, and your FIL's have offered to pay buy you don't want them to foot the entire bill.  Going off of just that, yes it sounds like you were asking us how to ask your parents to pay for your wedding.  You never mentioned that they offered, only that your FIL's offered.  So don't get offended when we are only reacting to what you wrote.  </div><div>
</div><div>And nobody is judging you for your situation and bumping up the wedding.  This is the military brides board, many of us have either been there, or at least understand the reasons for bumping up the wedding.  I really don't understand why you jumped into this thread on the defensive, and are now reacting to the responses on the defensive too.  The only thing you said that was judge-worthy was about asking your parents for money.  I highly suggest you reading and re-reading your posts before you hit submit if you're going to be so upset by responses, and make sure that nothing can be taken out of context.  </div><div>
</div><div>Again, it's hard to give you an estimate for our weddings, since everything you choose can be so different.  My reception venue included everything, such as food, bar, linens, tables and chairs, etc.  So naturally my costs were much different than someone who just rented a hall or did a backyard type wedding and had to book everything individually.  Plan for the bulk of your money to go towards food and drink.  However, there is no rule stating that you have to serve a meal at your wedding.  If you want to save a lot of money you can do it at a non-meal time and serve appetizers, or light sandwiches, or even just do a cake and punch reception.  </div>

SamiJoeB

It's incredibly rude of you to ask what our weddings cost, or what anyone's budget is. Go to your local board, and think of a more tactful way of saying that. You shouldn't say anything to your parents about how much they are going to help, let them come to you. If they start the conversation, its an offer not you asking for it. My dad came to my H and I and said "I'll give you X amount of money that you can use to plan your own wedding, or you can elope and keep the money for savings or a honeymoon"(he did this for both me and my sister when she was getting married) It was more important to us to be married in front of our family and friends, than to go on a killer honeymoon, and the money we had saved for our wedding has been invested and saved. That being said, a large chunk of our budget was getting H's plane ticket home which cost around $1500 to get him here in time for the wedding from Japan.

Your local board will be a great starting place for finding out average prices in your area. I'm not saying don't post here, but we're not all in your area. My local board was horribly unhelpful, so I did it by myself and stuck around here.

Most churches will let you get married for "free" but with the recommended donation. As long as you don't stick a $20 in offering plate, I'm sure you can come up with a reasonable amount. Having your reception in a state park, is a great idea, namely because its usually free. Sometimes they even have picnic areas, tents, and chairs you can borrow, again a donation would be nice for the use of the space. Plus you could DIY your outdoor decorations.

I don't think anyone thought any more or less of you for changing your wedding date, the first time you posted about this I thought to myself "she's not going to listen to anything anyone said and she's going to move up her wedding date anyway". Lookie there, I was right. No one is "judging" you because of it. I myself, wasn't suprised, but like I said, I don't think any more or less of you because of it. Don't tell us not to be judgemental, and we won't tell you you're rushing into things.

J9andKev

Thnak you ladie for the words of wisdom. I don't mean to sound rude and you're right, I'm not using the right words and do not mean to seem nosey on asking how much what you paid/planing to pay. And again, I don't mean to be on the defensive. Guess I'm just nervous about this whole thing and am takiing it out on you girls; I'm sorry. You're tryin to help and just give advice about what I was sounding like, which after I re-read it, did sound immature if you didn't know the other details. I'll try my local boards for advice about venues and whatnot. 

Beach- That sounds like a much better idea; letting them come to me instead of asking.

I have one more question: my FMIL came to us and said they'd help in any way possible and then asked what my parents were chipping in for. How should I react to that? I want to be respectful but honestly, I'm a little upset and hurt that she would ask such a question.

Beachy730

Tell your FMIL that they haven't mentioned if or what they are helping with yet, and change the subject quickly.  It's none of her business if or what your parents are helping with, and she shouldn't base her contributions off of that.  If changing the subject doesn't work, have your FI talk to her and tell her that you guys aren't comfortable talking about who is contributing what.

jamie5482

I think the previous responses have covered everything pretty well. As far as the amount each family is contributing, that's a very personal thing. I think the parents can discuss amongst themselves if they're comfortable doing that but otherwise it's something that seems best filtered through you or your FI, depending on whose family it is and what their comfort level is. It can be a very sensitive topic!

My dad and FI's mom were both pretty opinionated on what they thought they should each contribute so FI and I learned pretty quickly that we needed to take control of the situation and mediate it, in some ways. Basically my dad seemed a little offended that FI's mom wanted to try to pay for (and take control of) a huge chunk when I'm his only daughter... apparently my dad is a lot more traditional than I ever thought! And FI's mom didn't help the situation by starting out kinda pushy and bossy. It could have been a huge mess but FI and I figured out a solution that works best for everyone. 

Good luck!

mob2689

We had planned a wedding for DD in 3 months. For all family's it's a DW in their tiny town by the base her FI is at.
 
I flew down twice to help get things rolling. She has done most of the leg work along with a church member. The monies, that is a bit personal, I know I could help much more but  because of the plane trips AND hotel for 12 days I had to get into a reality check myself. I took all the engagement pictures which we put in the invitations.

DD has a freind that is a photographer who is doing pictures as part of his wedding present(he has photographed her before and turnout out great)

We rented the VFW , if you or someone in your family is a member it is cheaper, along with the American Leigon.

The authentic food is being cooked by a group of church members as a gift from the church, the pastor and wife are his "adopted family" as most  have people like that in our lives being military. I will be making the potato salad to go along side the Gumbo for 150 guests. There would have been more but alot just were deployed 2 weeks ago.

The DJ was recomended to us by the VFW, since he plays there.

There will be at least 50 OOT guests so we(actually me) felt the needed to do the OOT bags since most will be traveling close to or over 1,000 miles.

We paid the most for the cake and flowers, linens and chair covers and each were up there in price. The chair covers IMO are a waste of money

We didn't do SSD's we did notify everyone in the immediate family in advance about the up comming wedding before invitations went out, so if they wanted to come they could move or save for the finances it would take for them to get there.

We did alot of shopping at Hobby Lobby, Michaels, and the Dollar Tree. Kinko's printed the invitations, that were ordered through Target.

She didn't have time to do an expansive bridal registry, she did one only to avoid the 30 toaster nightmare.

There will be no bridal shower, nor bachelorette party since 4 of the 7 BMs are OOS.

We have made PLENTY of HUGE mistakes along the way no doubt you will too when you have little time to get things going.Don't sweat it or worry about it -keep going. Like I said there were mistakes along the way but all understood and didn't raise their noses.

As a PP suggested get your venue secured and go from there with everything else.  We ordered blank invites, & RSVP cards then secured the church, and venue then printed the invitations. Since we had to assemble them(satin ribbon run through them) from there we hit the road running and haven't stopped.( Well more DD than I)

I am sure there will be alot of things "thrown" together last minute details as well.

I leave next Friday for their big day on the 25th of this month.

NOt sure if this helped, but Good Luck.
 
Oh crap! I gotta get up in 5hrs ok ladies I wont be lurking on here until I get back... this is why I haven't been on.  the time is flying and I am beyond stressed with it being hectic at work, home, wedding and grandbaby(my sons baby)
Take care.

firsttimersluck

ok since I know the whole point of you hopping on here wasn't to call us judgemental, but to find out what other's budgets look liek so you have an idea of what to expect...
My guest count is 60-80
venue-1,000
food-1,800 (we found someone that could do about a 20-25$/per plate score!)
alcohol-800
flowers-300 (the only flowers we're using are for bouquets and the cake, because we're doing manzonite centerpieces and we have a wholesale place for it all so that's running about)
DJ- 1,100
photog-1,500 (we made sure to pick one that would give us full rights to all the photos so we can print them off as we please, MUCH cheaper than having the photographer do prints for you)
cake-200 (family friend so cheaper than everywhere else around here)
paper products- so far about 300 (std, invites,+postage) will go up about 100 more or so for programs and menue cards
rentals-my aunt is paying for this as a gift so I have no idea... but we like the pretty stuff so this one is a little up there.. probably about 2,000
dress-300 (got lucky... lol)
gifts for each person- 70-135 each
hotel room- 200
hair/makeup- 150

idk if I'm missing anything...
I agree with green the catholic church IF they even ALLOW marrying a couple that's not members, will sometimes call it afee or a mandatory non-member donation. Although I don't know many catholic churches that will allow housing of a marriage/wedding of people that aren't members... something to consider.

I would ramble off on the whole judgemental comment too... but it's 2am and I'm studying for my finals.. I have no energy... (I'm doing a great job, obviously... being on TK and all.. lol)
Hope that helps a little.

firsttimersluck

p.s. okay I had to comment the judgemental part.. lol
We don't "judge" people just for moving up their wedding date, moving it back, VRs etc... We just don't like the 17 year old girls coming on wanting to get married asap before deployment bc of the super awesome extra money the man will recieve for being married (....*cricket*....) and meanwhile planning their giant wedding ceremony, telling us not to judge them ....
....which I find hilarious when people say that and post on here... the world of the net... BILLIONS of people use the internet... how are you NOT going to be judged by SOMEONE?!?! I have hashed it out with a girl on here or there from time to time.. it happens... we're all big kids, and can get over it. if you can handle some bluntness you're good to go. because we don't feel like spending out time writing dainty, tactful comments, when you want the facts and opinions asap.

No one is judging you for changing your wedding date. It happens.

J9andKev

Thank you everyone! This is exactly what I was looking for, just to get an estimations of what to expect. And now I understand where y'al were coming from with the judgemental thing and I'm over it. My wording was off. And I think me being tired and worrying about the planning got the best of me last night. 

firsttimer- Thank you for opening up about you budget. Both my FI and I have no idea what to expect so you gave up a great ball park figure. And those 17 yr olds who rush into getting married for the extra money bugs the hell out of me too.

I think I have more than enough information to start setting up my budget and have a good idea on what I can and can not do.

SamiJoeB

FYI...

When I did my budget, I started by saying I have x amount to spend, and then I called my vedors and stuff, and if they didn't work with my budget,  I didn't work with them. I sort of got the impression you were doing things the other way around, ie getting quotes from vendors and then adding it all up. Do it however you want, but I feel that getting quotes, and then adding it all up is how people end up spending more than they planned on for their wedding.

J9andKev

Thanks for the input Sami. That sounds like a much better idea. Ugh so much planning in such litle time but if you girls can do it, I bet I can, lol.

firsttimersluck

yeah we said "ok our budget is 10" and kinda went from there... expect that your budget WILL go over.. it's just.. kind of a given... but you'll figure it out. Get thsoe STD's ordered I would say.. thats the only thing you may be a little behind in... other than that you have plenty of time

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_2-yr-engagement-turned-4-months?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:8aa83fad-d5a1-4fbf-afda-26188fc219c3Post:41ee9b79-2ed2-442e-bed2-63536a2c4630">Re: 2 yr engagement turned to 4 months :)</a>:
[QUOTE]yeah we said "ok our budget is 10" and kinda went from there... expect that your budget WILL go over.. it's just.. kind of a given... but you'll figure it out. Get thsoe STD's ordered I would say.. thats the only thing you may be a little behind in... other than that you have plenty of time :)
Posted by firsttimersluck[/QUOTE]

<div>At this point, I would just skip STD's.  They should go out about 6-9 months before the wedding.  If you have many OOT people, I would maybe just send them an email STD in case they want to make travel plans early, but that's it.  Then just aim to send your invites out at 8 weeks.</div>

SamiJoeB

Ditto Beach, STD's are nice, but not necessary. We didn't do them.