Having a crisis...

uberlove

I'm definitely on the younger side, I'm 21 and my fiance is 23 and in the Air Force. He proposed a few months after he got out of Basic, which was July 2010. We've set our date for June 2012...but over the past couple weeks, I feel like I've gotten cold feet and want to push it another year. I don't know what to do, and I need some input.

I'm still in college and just starting my junior year, and we'd be getting married the summer before my senior year if all goes as planned. We've been together 5 years total, and I feel like marriage feels like the next natural step (even though we're on the younger side). It feels right, and good, and I'm so excited!

The only problem is that in the past couple weeks, I've become extremely homesick at just the though of leaving my parents behind and moving out permanently. Moving out and going to college is one thing- I go back and visit them over my breaks. But moving out permanently is another, and I'll likely be staying a few states away from them.

I'm really close to my parents, and I don't know if I should give myself another year to be able to spend more time with them, or if I should go ahead and get married next June and move out permanently.

If I didn't like my parents, or we didn't get along so well, I'd be completely ready to get married next summer. Me acting like a homesick child is the only thing making me reconsider. What should I do? Would it only be harder if I stayed with my parents longer? I already feel like I'm too old to still be going back home all the time, but I don't know. I feel so ridiculous that I'm considering making our already long 2 year engagement a 3 year one just for the sake of spending time with my family.

firsttimersluck

You will always have moments of homesickness.. Especially if you grew up in the same place all your life. That's a normal feeling as you start growing up, get closer to finishing college, and realize that life is only a couple years away from "starting" (ie, done with the degree and moving on to an actual career).

If you have cold feet, consider pushing back the wedding. Think of how great it would be to be DONE with college!
We originally planned for me to be done with college before marriage, but budget cuts happened so that grad date has been pushed back a couple quarters. Honestly, had I known far enough back, we would have pushed the wedding back.

Pushing back a wedding just gives you more time to be positive about your decision, your life goals, and your school. I'm all for it! You shouldn't feel badly about that or about having cold feet. It doesn't mean he's not "The One", but it could just mean that you should focus on the right now and getting your side of things together (ie college) before you jump to the next step.
At this point, you probably don't have any vendors signed or anything, right? Stop stressing yourself out and talk to your fiance'. I'm sure he will understand why you are feeling the way you are.. and the two of you can discuss the pros and cons of either option.

YoungDuo

I agree with with FTL. If you're having cold feet, definitely push your date back. I think it's a great idea for you to wait until you graduate from college and get that out of the way. School is stressful. Wedding planning is stressful. Military schedules are stressful. Moving out is stressful. You have all this factors that cause stress coming up and it can be extremely overwhelming. You said something about being together for 5 years and marriage being the natural next step. It is but it isn't. Yes, being together for years typically leads to marriage but it doesn't have to. Is that what YOU want? You don't want to do something because you feel like you "have" to and not because you want to. I'm not saying that's how you feel, but it's something to think about. I love my parents and I still live at home (I had to move home after graduation because the economy sucks) and I cannot wait to move out permanently. Yes, I get these feelings of homesickness sometimes and the thought of moving out can be overwhelming. But it's an adventure I'm so excited to pursue. What I feel like you need to do, is have a heart to heart with yourself. Think about everything that YOU want out of life and not be concerned about anyone else's feelings. I hope this helps!

calindi

I can understand being sad about leaving your parents.  It's totally natural.  I'm also VERY close with my parents, and yet I currently live 2000 miles away.  We talk on the phone every single day, Skype video chat regularly, and when I stop to think how long it's been since we've physically seen each other it's surprising since we still know what's going on in each other's day-to-day life.  I go up to visit them once or twice a year, and they come to visit me once or twice a year.  This year there will be a bit more since I'm planning my wedding up there, but still only 2-3 visits the whole year!  Just because you're moving away doesn't mean they aren't still your parents and that you can't still talk to them whenever you want.  Phones and internet are amazing tools.

There's definitely days I wish we were closer, and I do get a little homesick, but that's part of growing up.  Whether or not you get married, chances are at some point you'll be far enough away that regular visits aren't possible. You won't have winter break, spring break, fall break, summer break... you'll just have around 10 days of vacation annually, plus a few national holidays thrown in.  That's a lot more prohibitive for visiting than simply being far away - there's just no time to visit!

I think it's a normal fear, not being able to see your family as much.  It's not so much about getting married as it is growing up.  All these things - graduating college and getting married - are staring at you at one time, so that magnifies the fears.  As much as I encourage young couples to wait, I don't think that's why you're getting cold feet.  I think you'll feel like this regardless, and postponing the wedding probably won't give you much more time with your parents.

Whether or not you get married, you'll probably be getting a full time job and living away from  your parents.  This is a change that is coming no matter how hard you want to push it off.  Try to talk to your parents about it a bit, and think about how your relationship can still be very close without as many visits. 

sarahj184

I would take a bit of time to sort out your feelings before you make a decision. Sometimes people just get into an emotional funk and don't truly understand what the underlying issue is. Perhaps you should consider whether you are having second thoughts about getting married in general. As you said, you are young, and personally, I couldn't imagine getting married at that age...I was still figuring out a lot of things in college, changing a lot, etc. HOWEVER, I have had friends who married in college and they seem quite happy. To each their own. Best of luck, take a couple weeks or so to make your decision. 

uberlove

Thank you all for responding....

I truly believe the issue at hand is leaving my parents behind. I know my fiance is 100% "the one" and I don't doubt this at all. I'm still just left feeling conflicted...I feel like my cold feet are being caused by leaving my parents and also how I'm gonig to handle my last year of school.

If only life were simple, huh?

sdana924

I look back to when I was 21 and at that moment I was "ready" to marry my bf at the time. Looking back I wasn't ready at all and I always had fears but I felt that we were at that point and it was the natural thing to do.  For me if I would have done that I would be divorced now.

If you feel you are not ready to get married then wait. you are still young you have plenty of time to get your lives together. Finish school get a job and see how you feel. Wait it out a couple more weeks and see how you feel if you still feel this way there is no harm. Maybe in a couple weeks you will feel differently. Enjoy the engagment process.

And talk to your honey he may make you feel much better

calindi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_having-crisis?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:9056e051-5aba-4f1d-92bd-b1a2d1068212Post:7284e277-5dc0-497c-8e96-56c794a1a443">Re: Having a crisis...</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you all for responding.... I truly believe the issue at hand is leaving my parents behind. I know my fiance is 100% "the one" and I don't doubt this at all. I'm still just left feeling conflicted...I feel like my cold feet are being caused by leaving my parents and also how I'm gonig to handle my last year of school. If only life were simple, huh?
Posted by uberlove[/QUOTE]

It's part of growing up, and we all go through it.  Let me guess, before you went to college you were all melancholy about the idea of moving from home?  Sure, very excited, but also apprehensive about not living with your parents anymore.  And then you went, and adjusted.  This is the same thing - it's a big step, and it's totally natural to be worried.  Just know they'll still be your parents, and you'll still be their daughter.  Being physically close doesn't necessarily mean being emotionally close, and vice versa.

firsttimersluck

I think a lot of people go through that... If you're not ready to leave them, that's not the end of the world. It doesn't mean you love your Fiance' any less. It just means you are a lucky girl to have such a close family.

uberlove

Sometimes I wish I didn't like them as much so stuff like this wouldn't be so hard..I know it's a terrible thing to say and I really do feel lucky to have them, but still..if I was an angsty young adult who disliked her parents, this would be a whole lot easier Heh.

firsttimersluck

hahaha this is true. :P
I love my family but I was raised alone  (mom was gone before I woke up in the morning, and home after I went to bed at night.. and spent most weekends at work as well) so while I love her, it was easy to leave the house.
Just don't rush yourself. You don't need the stress. You have to leave their house sometime... And living with the person you love is AWESOME /> Fi is the best. roommate. Ever.  But you don't want that kinda stress and loneliness  (not bc of being with fi but because of leaving the parents) during your last year of college (which should be the hardest year of college)
Maybe talk to your parents about it as well.. See what they think. :]

calindi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_having-crisis?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:9056e051-5aba-4f1d-92bd-b1a2d1068212Post:f7db534c-f88b-412b-a901-0548cdf4d982">Re: Having a crisis...</a>:
[QUOTE]Sometimes I wish I didn't like them as much so stuff like this wouldn't be so hard..I know it's a terrible thing to say and I really do feel lucky to have them, but still..if I was an angsty young adult who disliked her parents, this would be a whole lot easier ;) Heh.
Posted by uberlove[/QUOTE]

Trust me, I get you.  But then you'd have to deal with all the drama of having a family you didn't like!

For what it's worth, people have told me all the time that I must hate my family to have moved so far away (I also moved to China in college for a semester, so that was an extreme situation and people joked I was running away).  I correct them by saying that it is BECAUSE I have such a close-knit family that I am able to go further away.  I know that we'll always be close, no matter how far I may go.  They go with me every day!

D'aw, there I go getting all sappy... I get to see my parents in one month from tomorrow and I'm super excited!  One week family vacation to Costa Rica... way better than living with them every day is enjoying each other's company on fun vacations!

shan87

To me, there is no harm in waiting... finish school and see how things progress with the fam. My sister gave birth a year before the wedding, leaving my nephew and taking his BFF (our dog) with was EXTREMELY hard on me. I even stayed behind a few months after the wedding.