XP: Advice from women experienced with husbands/fiances in the military - FI and I considering him j

Feelslikeadream2

I posted this under chit chat and the wonderful ladies pointed me to this board which of course makes more sense.

FI and I have been discussing the possibility of him joining the military sometime after we are married.  We have 3 kids in total (his 2 boys and our daughter).  Currently his 13 yr old lives with us and the 10 yr old with their mother.  If this was to happen I'm sure the 13 yr old would chose to stay with his mother along with the 10 yeard old.  Of course both boys are welcome at any time to live with us but we understand they might choose to stay with her at first.

FI is 32 and in excellent physical condition.  We have a very strong relationship and while we understand there would be lengths of time we would be apart of course we can't fully understand what it would be like and I would like some advice or suggestions.  Basically, I see it as something that is difficult to go through but in the bigger picture it is well worth it.  

How this came about was the other day FI said he had been thinking about it a lot lately.  I told him it had crossed my mind recently as well (no previous discussions about it).  FI currently has a decent paying job and I care for the home and kids.  Our reasons for considering him joining is that it would be a new experience and an exciting one although hard at times.  Both of us feel FI would do exceptionally well and it is something he would really enjoy and take pride in.  Not to mention it would offer some great benefits for our family now and in the future.  

What I would like is to hear from those that are married or have been married to men in the military.  Of course those engaged to them as well is good too .  I would really appreciate hearing the truth as to what you go through and the good times and hard times.  We still aren't sure what branch but most likely it would be Army due to his age and not wanting to enlist in the reserves.

Whether he decides to join or not I will completely support and be proud of him for.  We both just know that we definitely need more information before he talks to a recruiter. 

 I'm not saying my perception is correct,  but I worry a recruiter will only tell of the good and not what to expect (the bad and the good).  Basically once he goes to see a recruiter we would  pretty much be sure that he would be joining.

Thank  you for all your suggestions and experiences in advance.  It is greatly appreciated.

mob2689

Active Army - 42
Army Reserves (Including National Guard) - 42
Active Air Force - 27
Air Force Reserve (including National Guard) - 34
Active Navy - 34
Naval Reserves - 39
Active Marines - 28
Marine Corps Reserve - 29
Active Duty Coast Guard - Age 27. Note: up to age 32 for those selected to attend A-school directly upon enlistment (this is mostly for prior service).
Coast Guard Reserves - Age 39.

Here are the ages, as for he's pretty sure once he sees a recruiter he will sign up, not necessarily. He needs to ask the recruiter alot of questions. They might not even have an opening that he is interested in and only a recruiter knows what he would be eliigble for. Go talk to both the Army and Navy, you don't have to go just once and feel obligated to sign right then and there. Would he be joining as an enlisted, or trying for OCS? He is too old for OCS unless he has a specific skill that will allow him to go onto OCS.

You both need to see if you can live off of his pay, with children it maybe tight and not near the pay he possibly is getting as a civilian. There are many factors to weigh out before he signs up at his age. Also, for at least the first 2 years you will feel like a single mother. You can't go to his basic training base, and IMO you don't want to live togther on/near a base until he is finished with his  technical training after his basic.

What bigger picture do you see that this would be worth it?

You both may want ot read the following link as well, and also see the one that the Navy has.

http://www.military.com/Recruiting/Content/0%2C13898%2Crec_step04_questions_army%2C%2C00.html

My  xH was AirForce, prior to that Army National Guard and that was well over 20 years ago. So I am going by what I can remember back how it was then. I know  you have to have a HS diploma I don't know if they accept GED's. No felonys what so ever, if there is one it could take a while for it to be cleared depending on what class it is but it is rare that they will accept any felony at all.

Beachy730

I'm a Navy wife, and there are definitely pros and cons to it.  Obviously the main cons are the deployments, and being at the beck and call of the military and what they decide is best for you.  But there are also a lot of pros, like the pride in his job, the benefits (especially if you go career), getting to live in different places, etc.  

When I met H he had already been in for 6 years, so I didn't have to go through boot camp and schooling with him.  He was a recruiter at his last station, so I actually know a decent amount about joining the Navy.  As Mob already posted, he can join AD Navy up to age 34, so that is another option as well as the Army.  Each branch has it's differences, and the deployments and the stations will differ as well.  With the Navy the deployments are usually 6 months, but have been as long as 9 months before.  Also, if he makes it his career he would alternate sea and shore duties, and his shore duties are 3 years of undeployable service which is always nice.  

There is a ton of support for the families near all bases, including Family Readiness Groups, and lots of moms looking for play dates and things.  As Mob also said, if he does join, I would plan on staying where you are until he goes through boot camp and school and gets stationed somewhere.  I'm not sure how it is now, or how it is for the Army, but H was recruiting as recently as last summer, and some people weren't leaving for boot camp for as long as a year after their join date because of delayed entry.  

Are there more specific questions you have?  I definitely recommend going to the recruiter with your FI so that you can hear all the information first hand, and ask any questions you have.  I would talk to both Army and Navy recruiters (often they are in the same building), and make your decision together.  Even if he decides to join that day, there is a process he has to go through, so it's not like he would make the decision in the office that day and ship out a week later.  The process of joining can take weeks, and even months.  

firsttimersluck

I don't think I need to say anything since mob and dnbeach covered your questions. I just wanted to point out that just because he wants to join, doesn't mean he'll get in. I know that's not the super nice thing we want to say/hear, but it's true. I know the Navy is trying to kick out a buncha people right now as well, so they are being crazy picky when letting people in right now. Since the economy crashed, the number of people wanting to join went up, which means the branches get to be more selective about who they let in.

I'm not trying to be a downer, I just know a lot of people that went in thinking it's a sure-fire thing only to be declined. Be prepared to ask all the questions you want, to be pushed or blown off, to be accepted in or declined.
And you have a lot of people here that are more than happy to answer any questions, however silly they may seem, because we have all been there at one point or another.

Feelslikeadream2

Thank you ladies for your input and things I hadn't thought of.  He would definately be  joining and it being for a new career (currently in HVAC and has been for years).  He has no criminal record.  

I am glad to hear that just because we would go talk to a recruiter he wouldn't have to decide that day.  

Also as for what we see as "the bigger picture" it would be basically FI (husband at that time) being part of something that he can be proud of and that has more meaning than what we currently do in our every day lives.  He would always have a goal to strive for and the opportunities are endless.  

As for myself I would be able to make new friends and be part of a larger family/community.  The hardest part I see is being seperated from each other.  But once I look at that fear realistically it's not as overwhelming because I have no doubt we can make it through and if anything we would be stronger for it.

For our Daughter she would always be meeting new people (she's 5 now) and making new friends.  New exciting places when we would have to move even though it would be sad to leave the friends she has made behind.

I guess the bottom line is I could go on and on for days on what seems like the positives and the only negative is a big one but one we can handle which is never knowing how long we will have together until he might leave again.  It won't be that way forever and the life experiences we would all go through are much more than if we never changed and stayed right where we are.

I'm only expressing my thoughts so that those of you with experience might be able to point out things I'm not thinking of or confirm that my line of thinking is somewhat correct.

I really appreciate the advice and info.

kara811

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_xp-advice-women-experienced-husbandsfiances-military-fi-considering-him-joining?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:9226298c-5bed-43e6-82a0-8f169ef941caPost:ee1a1773-d28d-46c8-87cc-641107a6c083">Re: XP: Advice from women experienced with husbands/fiances in the military - FI and I considering him joining</a>:
[QUOTE]Active Army - 42 Army Reserves (Including National Guard ) - 42 Active Air Force - 27 Air Force Reserve (including National Guard) - 34 Active Navy - 34 Naval Reserves - 39 Active Marines - 28 Marine Corps Reserve - 29 Active Duty Coast Guard - Age 27. Note: up to age 32 for those selected to attend A-school directly upon enlistment (this is mostly for prior service). Coast Guard Reserves - Age 39. Here are the ages, as for he's pretty sure once he sees a recruiter he will sign up, not necessarily. He needs to ask the recruiter alot of questions. They might not even have an opening that he is interested in and only a recruiter knows what he would be eliigble for. Go talk to both the Army and Navy, you don't have to go just once and feel obligated to sign right then and there. Would he be joining as an enlisted, or trying for OCS? He is too old for OCS unless he has a specific skill that will allow him to go onto OCS. You both need to see if you can live off of his pay, with children it maybe tight and not near the pay he possibly is getting as a civilian. There are many factors to weigh out before he signs up at his age. Also, for at least the first 2 years you will feel like a single mother. You can't go to his basic training base, and IMO you don't want to live togther on/near a base until he is finished with his  technical training after his basic. What bigger picture do you see that this would be worth it? You both may want ot read the following link as well, and also see the one that the Navy has. <a rel="nofollow" href="http://www.military.com/Recruiting/Content/0%2C13898%2Crec_step04_questions_army%2C%2C00.html">http://www.military.com/Recruiting/Content/0%2C13898%2Crec_step04_questions_army%2C%2C00.html</a> My  xH was AirForce, prior to that Army National Guard and that was well over 20 years ago. So I am going by what I can remember back how it was then. I know  you have to have a HS diploma I don't know if they accept GED's. No felonys what so ever, if there is one it could take a while for it to be cleared depending on what class it is but it is rare that they will accept any felony at all.
Posted by mob2689[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>
</div><div>They changed the Army/Army Reserves age limit as of April 2011. It's not 35. 

</div>

Feelslikeadream2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_xp-advice-women-experienced-husbandsfiances-military-fi-considering-him-joining?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:9226298c-5bed-43e6-82a0-8f169ef941caPost:a0ed2bdd-b7c8-45a7-95dd-ad727460bfdf">Re: XP: Advice from women experienced with husbands/fiances in the military - FI and I considering him joining</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think I need to say anything since mob and dnbeach covered your questions. I just wanted to point out that just because he wants to join, doesn't mean he'll get in. I know that's not the super nice thing we want to say/hear, but it's true. I know the Navy is trying to kick out a buncha people right now as well, so they are being crazy picky when letting people in right now. Since the economy crashed, the number of people wanting to join went up, which means the branches get to be more selective about who they let in. I'm not trying to be a downer, I just know a lot of people that went in thinking it's a sure-fire thing only to be declined. Be prepared to ask all the questions you want, to be pushed or blown off, to be accepted in or declined. And you have a lot of people here that are more than happy to answer any questions, however silly they may seem, because we have all been there at one point or another. :)
Posted by firsttimersluck[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This is a very good point and I'm glad you told me about it.  Whether FI was to be accepted or not if that is what he wanted to do, at least I know his heart and mind are in the right place and he would be joining for good reasons not for trying to fix something that is wrong or because we are having hard times and have no other options.</div><div>
</div><div>I definately think if he decides it is seriously something he wants to know more about we will go down and speak with a recruiter.  Also It seems less stressful now that I have learned so much more including the fact that just because we are considering it doesn't mean it's an automatic "he's in" or he will be pressured into signing up.

</div>

mob2689

Ah didn't know that Kara I knew alot has changed, and have been trying to keep up.  As First stated there are so many wanting to join that now they can be more selective with the choises which is excellent IMO.

@ Feels, great perspective! I wish you both the best of luck.

Beachy730

Just to give you and idea of things that could keep him from joining:  unexplained scars, tattoos, heart murmers, flat feet, and many many more.  They can keep him from joining even if he just has an outstanding speeding or parking ticket.

I'm not trying to scare you, just let you know that just because he wants to join, and has no criminal record, doesn't mean he will definitely get in.  I've seen people get eliminiated for ridiculous things.  

ggirl2001

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_xp-advice-women-experienced-husbandsfiances-military-fi-considering-him-joining?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:9226298c-5bed-43e6-82a0-8f169ef941caPost:143957b3-8ae5-48a0-bfcc-48ffa9da00c2">Re: XP: Advice from women experienced with husbands/fiances in the military - FI and I considering him joining</a>:
[QUOTE]Just to give you and idea of things that could keep him from joining:  unexplained scars, tattoos, heart murmers, flat feet, and many many more.  They can keep him from joining even if he just has an outstanding speeding or parking ticket. I'm not trying to scare you, just let you know that just because he wants to join, and has no criminal record, doesn't mean he will definitely get in.  I've seen people get eliminiated for ridiculous things.  
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

All this. My FI had a tough time getting into the Marines. He ended up having to get 2 waivers to eventually get approved.

SamiJoeB

I'm a Marine Wife, Prior SM (AD Navy)

There are so many people trying to get in right now, I think it's amazing.

Do you know what branch he's thinking of joining? We respect all branches here, especially with capital letters (ie Marine Corps, Marines, Army, Soldiers, Airman, Coastie, Sailor.. I'm a Picky Penny about that)

The worst thing for me has been the distance. My H is stationed in Japan on 2 year unaccompanied orders. I will more than likely spend our first anniversary alone, and the whispers on our orders are that he'll get released from Japan early to meet his new command and immediatley deploy to Afganistan for 9 months. It sucks. It totally sucks to try to plan anything, college, pets, vacation, money, anything. I feel like I'm totally at the mercy of the Corps.. which I kind of am. For myself.. I was one of the Sailors that didn't know I got seasick till I was stuck on a carrier for 4 months. I was air wing, so I didn't spend any more time on the boat than that, but worked long hours. I got to see lots of great places, and meet great people.

The best thing is the pride. I love being able to say my H is a Marine. I have the CUTEST car magnet (it's a bulldog that says "I my Marine"). I love suprising people with my own service. I love travel, the benefits are amaing. I LOVE Tricare even more than I did a few days ago due to them covering a bunch of tests. I can't say how much I Love the Military.

Let us know what is decided and Welcome to the Board!!!

iluvmy0341

First, I'm not sure what branch he is interested in joining, but he is too old for the Marines. The cut off age is 28. I'm a Marine wife, and come from a family of Marines (every male except my dad went to the Corps!). I'm sure all branches are similiar though so I'll tell you what it's like for me!

Our deployments suck, but they're not nearly as long as the Army deployments though. Marines are generally 6-9 months (they can be shorter/later--this is an average), and Army's average are 12 month deployments with R&R in the middle (he gets to come home for 15 days during deployment). The hours they work are a pain in the butt especially if you have 1 car and work also! Right now, we get up at 4am, he takes me to work, then he goes to work (or vice versa depending on hours), then he picks me up, then we go home (it's about 8pm by now), eat dinner, and pass out. That's our M-F routine. You get new orders (to move)at a moments notice. Literally we received orders last week and are expected to leave in a few weeks. If you're a family person, it's hard. You will learn that your "home is where his boots are." You'll learn that you have blood family and you have your military family. And it's sad when friends come and go after getting close, but you know you can always count on them (including calling in the middle of the night to have a "shoulder" to cry on when your hubby's deployed). We've all been there and all understand. The thing I love most about the military is your military family. If you ever need anything, you can always count on someone to lend you a few bucks for gas to get you through the week. Just as they can count on you when they're in times of need. It's hard for wives to get jobs in military towns because there are so many spouses in need of employment. But don't give up! You'll eventually get one! Your life will no longer revolve around you/your spouse, it will revolve around the military. You can't make plans too far in advance for vacations, because his vacation time depends on the military.

For kids, I've been babysitting the same military family's children for the past 2 years (we luckily PCSed to the same places!!). They're used to the military life. Yes, it sucks leaving their friends behind, but they'll make new ones quickly. All the kids on a base/post are in the same boat. There's also TONS of fun FREE things for kids to do. This past weekend, the base hosted a carnival which was free admission, and only $3 to ride the rides all night! They also have lots of afterschool activities, sports, and clubs to get the kids involved (yes teens too).

You also have the Exchange (mall) and the Commissary (grocery store) which are tax-free shopping. FYI meat and produce is always cheaper at the Commissary! Yes, even beats Walmart prices!! lol There's alot of things I really do enjoy about the military. I was actually going to enlist and then I met my husband. I met him literally 3 days before I had made an appointment with the recruiter to sign all my forms. I'm glad he's a lifer and I wouldn't change my life :-)

LuluP82

OP, my H joined the Marines in his 30s. If you have questions, PM me