T&P and advice please!

calindi

So this morning was just crappity crap crap...

I spoke with my Mom, who told me that my Dad went to the doctor with my grandfather yesterday (his Dad), and that he's been diagnosed with Alzheimer's.  It's still early, but it seems to be progressing rather rapidly.  It's likely that he'll still be cognitively aware for my wedding, but he's going to start going downhill pretty quickly, it seems.  So now we have an epic family battle going about moving my grandparents to a graduated assisted living facility where they can live together, maintain autonomy in their lifestyle, but still have the facilities, staff, and support that they'll need as his condition progresses (and my grandma gets older, she'll need the help, too - they're in their 80's).

It breaks my heart and I've been crying all morning.

Please don't quote me because I'm going to DD this next part in a few hours:

Then I find out that my FMIL and her boyfriend got in a fight with FI's 16 year old sister, and my FMIL climbed on top of her, held her down, and slapped her.  FI tells me that she's done this to each of her kids at some point.  I'm so furious, I could spit bullets.  My first reaction is to move her down here with us - she has one more semester of school, and she could get a lot of good out of it.  Miami isn't the ideal place for an over-sexed teenager, but at the same time, she's clearly not okay where she is. 

I'm so angry, I don't know how I can face FMIL the next time we're in the same city.  FI wants to call up and yell at FMIL, but she's not going to get it.  She never has, she's just delusional.

So I'm split being being furious and crying.  It's a messy morning!

Irishcurls

AW so sorry to hear about your Grandfather!!! That is so devestating to families--lots of T&P that he's comfortable and will be ok for your wedding. It sounds like an assisted living facility where they can be together is a good option!! I'm sure very tough on you and your family though!

As for the other thing, I unfortunately have no experience with this and don't even know where to begin. I mean, this woman sounds so unhinged....my first thought is to have FI talk to his sister privately and seriously. Would she want to move? How often does it happen? Has she thought about taking action herself? I also think (and could be totally wrong) that you have the right to express your anger about the situation to your FI so he knows where you stand, but I would let him handle his family directly. It sounds like there are some deep-seeded issues there and it ALSO doesn't sound like she's give a hoot if you flip out on her, since clearly she has problems. Sorry for your morning Cal!

BinxRose

Oh my gosh Cali, I am so sorry. I know it's not easy to have a grandparent there, but not really there. My grandma (who is now deceased) was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. I will be thinking positive thoughts for your family. As for your FI's sister, I would be furious too. I am 100% against any kind of corporal punishment (don't get me started on spanking). Truth be told, your FMIL could go to jail for battery for what she did. If possible, I would want to move her down with you too.

crownsuperstar

I am so sorry to hear about your grandfather.  Thoughts and prayers for you and your entire famliy.  I know that is such a hard illness to deal with.  Many friends of mine have delt with this illness with their grandparents.  Hugs to you and your family.  

I don't really have the words for the fight between FMIL and FI's sister.  Have you talked with your FI about her moving with y'all?  

All around hugs to you and your family with everything going on.   

ggirl2001

This is going to be short because of my Phone but I am so sorry about your grandfather. Have FI talk to his sister and see what she wants etc. like you said yelling st FMIL won't help but can FI talk to her as well and indicate that maybe after school is over sister moves with you since she doesn't know how to deal with her. I'm saying deAl because I can't think of a better word at this time but basically I mean she sucks at parenting.

calindi

Thanks guys.  FI and I have talked about his sister moving in with us - we first discussed it this past spring, and decided it was too much pressure as a newly engaged couple while he's in school full time and I'm working full time and there's no supervision and we're not fully equipped to be parents to an unruly 16 year old (she is NOT the easiest kid to parent, but I dare say that has a lot to do with how she's been raised so far.  Some rules and discipline and a stable environment would be a good start.)

Anyway, we're going to re-discuss it tonight.  I encouraged FI to schedule a phone call with his two other sisters - age 26 (married, with an 8 month old), and 20 (in college, living in a sorority house).  Neither is in a great place right now to take the 16 year old, and the 26 year old and FI aren't really on speaking terms right now, but I think this is more important than old grudges (that's another juvenile ridiculousness that is its own story - let's just say she gets her personality and ability to deal with conflict from her Mom).  So we'll see what the 3 of them come up with - if they're going to approach their mother together, what ideas they have for helping the youngest one get through school and onto college.  If they all agree that we should discuss having her move down to Miami, then we'll approach the 16 year old and see what she says about it.

AmandaSC1988

*Hugs* for the Alzheimer's My grandmother had Alzheimer's and even though I was fairly young, I went to every doctors appointment with my mom and aunt so I remember the progression pretty vividly. Sending T&Ps your way, it is a hard diagnosis to deal with. If you have any questions of just want to vent, I'm here if you need anything.

Sorry for your rough morning, I hope it gets better as the day goes on.

kara811

I'm so sorry for such a rough morning! Sending T&Ps your way. 

H's grandma also have Alzheimer's, it's tough to deal with but we love her. She still lives in her house and they have someone that comes over to her a few times a week and my MIL is there almost everday. She's too stubborn to go live in a facility. She still remembers but each time we see her she gets worse. I'm really sorry about your grandpa.

As far as your SIL, I wouldn't really know what to do with the situation either, except I know I would be very furious just as you are. I hope your FI and his sisters figure it out. Good Luck and let us know what happens! And I hope your day gets better!  

CAB1217

T&Ps Cal... I am so sorry for what you're going through... what a nightmare! You're gonna get through all of this! I feel like I shouldn't be specific about the last part of your post, since you're going to DD it, but I will say that anywhere that someone isn't treated in that way is a better place for them, period. You guys will make the right choice. It makes me happy to see that you're trying to fix it, because a lot of times, people turn the other cheek.
 
I pray that your Grandpa does the best that he can with such an awful disease. !!!

divinemsbee

I'm so sorry to hear about your Grandpa- my Papa had the beginning stages before he passed, and it's so hard to go through. I know this may sound a little strange, but today is a Holy Day of Obligation for me, and I will pray for your family if that's okay with you. I've had several older relatives go into assisted living in the past few years, and I think, unless the older relative has unlimeted moneys and can pay a caregiver to live with them, it's a better idea to go into the facility. Some of them are so nice, you get to move your stuff in and even have your car if you can still drive. My grandmother is talking about going into one in the next 6 years or so (she's 88). In my personal experience, it's better to let the older relatives have some say in which home and get them moved in before they degenerate too far. I'm so sorry, and hope your fam is able to pull together through this.

As to the other. My Mom slapped me across the face exaclty once in my life when I was 17. It was totally warrented. She did not, however, hold me down, nor was it a pattern of violence. I think the major thing to do is to support SIL in her getting into college. I had a friend whose parents were going through a messy divorce during the last semester of her senior year, and she recieved no support in applying for college. She made it through, but it was really rough. You have to make not only what you see as the morally right decision, but also the right decision for your and FI and your relationship. I would definitely talk about if your FMIL would contribute to her living expenses if she moved in with you, also would anyone support her through college/is she expecting that?

LetsHikeToday

Thinking about you cal. That's a crappy situation.

KendallR10

How is stuff with FI's sister?