Military Brides

Okay to give her the boot?

So I seem to be having a few problems with my BP. This issue is by far the largest. This is a bit long so sorry in advance.

6 months ago I got all my BP together and we had a girl’s (and guy) day out. We had discussed our budget for the day and decided to eat at Olive Garden. We get there and she starts tossing back mixed drinks, then she orders a bunch of food…long story short she runs up a large bill. She claims that she is a poor college student (aren’t we all.) and that she can’t afford her bill. Of course she says this after 6 mixed drinks at $8 a piece and a $20 plate. She looks at me and tosses the bill at me and says “here you pay it.” I knew she was drunk and having a hard time at home. Her parents put her on a short lease since she moved back in and her car was crashed into, so I let it slide. We all chipped in paid her side.

For her birthday she threw a tattoo party, I said I would go but had to back out at the last minute. I am currently a nurse/maid to my two terminally ill grandparents and I get very little help taking care of them, my granny had a bad dialysis and couldn’t be left alone. I found out from another BM that she spent that whole time talking crap behind my back and saying that the only reason my FI is marrying me is because I “was” pregnant. So people started calling me and asking when I was due and that I didn’t look 5 months (FI left 6 months prior), needless to say I was furious. I had a talk with her and she started crying and saying she was sorry and pretty much blamed it on her home life.

We went out to eat tonight to celebrate BM’s boyfriend’s birthday. We were all exchanging hugs when I accidently scratched her with my ring. She cried for an hour and a half about how much it hurt, you couldn’t even see where I scratched her! I apologized and she still wouldn’t let it go. Her BF asked about the wedding and she cut me off while answering him saying “you're not the only one who is engaged you know.” She likes to tell people that she and her BF are engaged but there is no ring, wedding date and if you ask him he says he is not ready to get engaged. Which was rude, and then she proceeds to ask my FI in front of everyone if he has ever killed someone, how does he feel about it. She asks me how I could be in love with a killer and says that he will go to hell for what he has done. AT this point I was done, I told her she could go to hell for all I care and other choice words and we walked out. Her BF and two of the BMs think I was wrong in my behavior and should tell her sorry. Was I? I am still pretty upset that she would disrespect my FI like that. I want her out of my BP and my life.

So the question is, am I wrong, crazy, a drama queen?

Re: Okay to give her the boot?

  • edited December 2011
    Wow that's absolutely ridiculous, I would have kicked her out of BP and my life way sooner than you did! I can't believe you put up with her shenanigans (not sure if I can use stronger language on here) for as long as you did!

    Why would you want someone in your life who spread rumors about you being pregnant? she obviously has a way screwed up life and is super bitter and jealous of you. Sorry, but a crappy home life is NO excuse for acting like a piece of trash. I've had experience with people like that, and my advice is you can't think about it, or try to rationalize it, becauase bottom line, they do not share your same values and as much as you want to believe it, they probably never were your friend in the first place. I can't believe she would say to that to/about your FI killing people- if anyone ever did that around me they would get a Manolo in their eyeball, to quote Kyle Richards from Beverly Hills haha.

    In my opinion, you were way too nice and generous to her for way too long- sorry this happened to you:( But I think you're better ff without someone that trashy and toxic around your life.
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  • calindicalindi member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Usually I roll my eyes as soon as I see a "can I kick her out as a bridesmaid?" post because usually it has to do with someone simply not being as into wedding planning 24/7 as the bride wants her to be.  But in this case, when you're totally willing to cut her out of your life all together, then I say go for it.

    Kicking someone out of your bridal party is a friendship-ending move.  In this case, it doesn't seem there's a friendship there to save.  She sounds like a real peach.  Tell her to go f-herself and that you don't need someone who spreads rumors about you, insults your FI and calls him a killer, demands you pay for her when she drinks like a fish, etc.

    For what it's worth, someone's told me once that they couldn't believe how I could plan a future with someone who kills people for a living.  It took all my energy not to tell her that he would never kill anyone for pleasure but rather to protect our country and her lazy butt, but that I on the other hand would have enjoyed immensely choking her to death in that moment.

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  • greygarnettgreygarnett member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with PP, if anybody treated me that way and said something like that about my FI they would no longer be a part of my wedding OR my life. Cutting somebody out of your WP is a friendship ending move for sure but it seems like its about time it ended anyways. You don't need her drama or the grief she has caused you. I'd definatly talk to your other BM's after you go and end it tho. If they think you need to apologize to HER I think they might only be hearing her side of things and you don't want to make things rocky with your WHOLE WP. So I'd talk to them about your decision right after you end things with her like ripping off a Band-aid, quick as possible. She'll probably bring on more drama because of it but you'll just have to take the high road and let her make herself look like a fool. She can't ride on everybodys coat-tails for the rest of her life and she'll grow up when she realises her circle of friends is getting smaller.
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  • calindicalindi member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    graygarnett - I disagree.  These women are adults, and telling "your side of the story" is only further propogating the drama this other woman is causing.  If the other bridesmaids ask why Jane (made-up name) isn't a bridesmaid anymore, the OP should simply say, "We had some personal issues and we're no longer friends, unfortunately."  And leave it at that. If they push for details (because most women are suckers for gossip) she can simply say, "I don't really want to go into the details.  She said and did some really hurtful things, and it was clear she didn't want to be my friend anymore.  It's very sad, but I'd rather focus on the positive."

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  • greygarnettgreygarnett member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I just meant that they should be informed that the not-so-great friend is not longer in the WP before they hear it from the ranting and raving exBM herself. Just so it doesn't fuel further drama (which women are also suckers for) with "NO WAY WHY!?" and then it becomes a bash the bride party. Better the bride say "I just wanted to let you know that so-and-so is no longer in the WP, we had a falling out over hurt feeling...blahblah" basically what you said. I would just personally tell my girls ahead of time so theres not a huge blow up. That was just what I would do, she can do what she likes to handle it.
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  • edited December 2011
    I definitely agree that you should kick her out of the BP and also out of your life.  Once in a while friends may lash out at each other due to difficulties in their own lives, but it seems that in this case, it goes way past that.  She is using you as a means to get attention for herself, at your expensive.  She obviously has some jealousy issues if she's trying so hard to make you look bad in front of everyone you know and is also taking advantage of your generosity.  I have some friends who come from rough home lives and none of them have ever treated me like that, and especially no one would ever say anything insulting about FI.  It's one thing to say mean things to your face when someone has a problem with you, it's a whole different animal when a person starts attacking you behind your back/trying to make you question FI's character.
  • edited December 2011
    expense* haha not expensive
  • edited December 2011
    Even though most bridesmaids are friends and family, there's a certain etiquette that must be upheld. You're a bride. Any women (or men) that you choose to stand beside you during one of the most important days in your life should be individuals that support you 100%. This is obviously not the case. If a bride were to bash her bridesmaid, or vice versa, its a clear line of disrespect that shouldn't be tolerated. Either individual has the right to ask, or in some cases insist that they are no longer welcome in the BP. You want true friends standing beside you on your special day, and true friends don't act inappropriate no matter what's going on in their personal lives.
    As the bride its your choice. As a friend, its still your choice - but you should want to do what's right for you and your FI.
    (If it were me, she'd be kicked to the curb looooong ago.)
  • edited December 2011
    Wow, yeah, you're a way nicer person than I. That chick is one....Crazy Unique Ninja Toddler (as one of my troops says). You're much better off without her in your life. And I totally agree that telling your BP about her dismissal before she gets a chance to is an excellent idea. Even though you've probably already done this, good luck!!
  • edited December 2011
    Wow, I'm really sorry. I was no stranger to BM drama myself. I would say give her the boot and quick. But I would agree with Calindi, in that I wouldn't go into the details with your WP. It has the potential to end badly. I'm sure that some of your other BM are friends with Crazy, and it could get back to her that you were talking shi*t about her and then it will never end. Be the bigger, more mature Bride who wears big girl panties and everything, and drop the axe on her, and tell your WP that she will no longer be in said WP due to a dissagreement between the two of you. Thats all you need to say. Good Luck!!
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  • edited December 2011
    So after being off of this for a while (Things have been crazy at home with so many marines getting in trouble they are working my FI's shop pretty hard. Not to mention my grandparents I take care of...sigh* another story), I thought I would thank you for you advice and give you a small update.


    I have cut said BM out of my WP and life. I also had another BM leave the WP who sided with her (I didn't tell them what happened just that we had differences and parted ways). It hurts still to think that I have lose two what I believed to be "close" friends but I know it was the right thing to do.

  • edited December 2011
    Thanks for the update. I'm sorry you had to do that, but in the long run, I think it was for the best.

    This was my BM drama: One of my BM's, rsvp'd for 1 then 2 weeks before the wedding starting begging for her bf to come. I personally hated him and so did FI, plus we'd already paid and given head counts to my venue. but I said okay, fine when she threw in the "But he's my ride" card. So after all this... the bit*h doesn't even show up. She doesn't call, text, email, call the hotel, call ANYONE, nothing. Just plain didn't show up. She was my next door neighbor, we'd been together since boot camp, and for her to do that, it hurt my heart. I even paid for half of her BM's dress, and I bought all my BM's shoes (I only had 3).

    Soo, even though it hurts, better to part ways now, than to be 1 BM short on your wedding day!

    Also, Always capitialize Marine, as well as Soildier, Sailor, Airman.. it's just a courtesy.Smile
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  • MrsH8611MrsH8611 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Bride: 1 
    BM: 0
                    Put it on the booooooooooooooard... SHE GONE!!!
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