Mother in law drama

JillianL009

So I had previously written a post saying my fiance would be possibly joining the Coast Guard, well since then he has decided that he really wants to join.  He talked to the recruiter and is very excited about everything, our only problem is his mother.  His mother is so against him joining I cant even begin to explain it.  She has gone as far as telling him that he could not make it in the Coast Guard and that all he is qualified for is a "dead end desk job".  I don't really know how to handle his mother because I know that it is really hurting him that she is acting like this, she said that she will mortgage their house so they can pay for his school but he does not really want to do that.  I know that he will do what he wants either way no matter his mothers wishes but I wish she would be more supportive.  She said that she is upset because she wont see him all the time like she does now, and that would be true in any situation.  I mean when we get married i'm not going to see her everyday by any means.  So if anyone has any help it would be greatly appreciated 

calindi

Sounds like this is his problem that he has to confront.  It really sucks, but he's not the first guy joining the military whose parents oppose it.  Tell him that you'll support him no matter what, that if he chooses to take out loans to go to school as a civilian if he chooses then you'll be by his side and help him create budgets to pay it off after.  But tell him that his Mom will eventually come around and that he can't base such a huge decision on her wanting to keep him a little boy forever - if he wants to join the Coast Guard, then that's his decision to make (as long as he's 18 years old).  If she had thrown a fit like this about not seeing him all the time when he said he wanted to marry you, would he have still decided to marry you?  If the answer is no, then he's got a major mommy issue, and you need to back away from the momma's boy who will always choose her over you throughout your whole life.

To summarize (and clarify):  I'm really sorry you're going through this.  It sucks.  But you cannot handle his mother, you cannot get in the middle of this.  You can tell her if she brings it up that you love him and that it's his decision and you'll support him no matter what.  If he asks you what he should do, you say you love him and support him and will be by his side no matter what he chooses to do, and that he should think long and hard what he wants for himself, not what his mother wants for him.  If he asks you how to talk to his Mom, just remind him that he's an adult and can kindly remind her that he cares about her but will make his own decisions for his own future.

JillianL009

Thanks, I do support him and I tell him that I will always support him no matter what he wants to do.  But knowing his mom she will get me involved she has already asked him what my parents think of this and it should not matter what my parents think (but they are supportive of him).  I think that she thought when we get married we will still live in the vicinity of where she lives and that might not even happen if he did go to school and he got offered a job in California for example, its no different but I dont think she sees that.  I for sure will not go talk to her though I already told him that for right now its better that I dont see her because she will bring me into the middle of their issues.

calindi

Don't run away from her, but don't engage her.  Just shrug and say you hadn't thought much about it, just that you support him no matter what and that it's his decision.  And just keep repeating that.

I've had those conversations with my own family over various things, including when FI joined the Marines, and it is the best course of action.  Trying to reason with an illogical person is an effort in frustration.  Much easier to pretend nothing bothers you and disengage from the confrontation.  Let them get whatever they're going to say out and say, "That's an interesting point.  I'm sure he's considered it."  And that's it.  Over and over and over again.

I'm a big fan of pre-recorded catch phrases for difficult situations.  I use them with my grandma all the time.  Here are yours:

"That's an interesting point. I'm sure he's considered it already."
"I don't really have an opinion on the subject."
"It's his decision, and I'll support him no matter what."

And then lots of nodding and smiling and shrugging indifferently.  Mastering the 'indifferent shrug' is key with difficult self-involved family members.

JillianL009

yeah good points I will have to work on the 'indifferent shrug'. But those are good points thanks a lot it makes it a little easier.  

iluvmytxrgr

Moms are good at making their kids feel guilty for doing things they aren't comfortable with.  While her behavior is crappy, I don't believe she means what she is saying.  It's hard for moms to let go of their babies.  Don't let her upset y'all. 
He  does need to sit her down and explain to her that her opinion is important to him but it won't sway the choice he has made.  He is an adult and he needs to make adult choices about his life. 

kyrgyzstan

My father told me Marines are murderers, and that if I joined he'd disown me. I just quit talking to him. I have no problem cutting lunatics out, whether they're family or not. He apologized, said he was wrong, and now we're okay. But I held to not talking to him for a year. 

SamiJoeB

My MIL is a lunatic too. But thats a whole different thread...

I think that your best option is to stay out of it. Don't try to make him chose between the CG and his mom. Maybe she should go and talk to the recruiter with him. Thats what my dad did (My mom was all for me joining, but my dad was concerned). He was worried, they eased his mind and off I went to Boot Camp. My DH's mom was initally really worried about him joining the Marine Corps, but she realized that he was a grown man (22 when he joined), and that he could do what he wanted. If this is something your FI is really dead set on doing, he'll do so anyways hopefully.

Like C said. don't engage her if she wants to fight about it. Thats what I do. My MIL doesn't like to "fight" but she likes to lie and start drama, when she does so, I let her do it, and then I scold her and tell her she should be ashamed of herself, and then I let it go. Good Luck!

firsttimersluck

I don't have any serious advice since everyone already covered it...
But just don't let it bring you down.. a LOT of parents hate their kids joining because of fear and stereotypes.
At some point she will come to terms with it, but only the two of you know what is best for him.
We're here for your vents and rants and support group!!!!

heather0711

It's an annoying situiation to be in. So long as he does what he wants and you support him, the rest is just kind of whatever. Atleast he mentioned it to her - my FI came home one day, sat his parents down, told them he signed the contract and he was leaving for boot in 4 weeks. He didn't give then a chance to talk him out of it or hear their opinions. He wanted to join the USMC, so that's what he did.