quickie weddings?

future=mrs=feher

I was wondering how many brides had small weddings before their significant other (or the bride) had to leave on orders?
How many are planning on small JP weddings and hoping for a larger vow renewal/reception later?
Is anyone else's darling more worried about what will happen to us state-side that what will happen to themselves?

Late night questions from a sleepy bride-to-be

calindi

Oh, for sure!  I'm not in that situation, but we see it all the time around these boards.  And I think it's very typical of our men in uniform to worry more about their significant other who they're leaving behind than their own self interests - it's what makes them a soldier/sailor/airman/Marine!  Just make sure you're getting married for all the right reasons, and not rushing it just because he's leaving.  You'll miss him just as much whether you're married or not, it won't bring him home any sooner, and if he's concerned about you being "taken care of", just have him put you as the beneficiary on his life insurance and a Power of Attorney so you can take care of matters at home for him while he's gone.  That's a viable option if you want to wait and have your big wedding day after he comes back.

If you choose to JOP and then have a later vow renewal/reception, just know it's controversial.  It sounds like you already are pretty sensitive to that as you didn't call it a "real wedding", which really bothers the women around here who got married by a JOP since it sounds like some doesn't consider that a "real wedding".   If you choose to have a vow renewal/reception later, just put some thought into how you want to do it.  Maybe change the wording of the invitations to indicate you were already married?  Maybe change the vows around a bit?  It's generally considered good practice to not register for gifts in this situation - personally I think you can register and just not tell anyone.  In the world of the internet, if they're looking for it, they can find it. 

And definitely, definitely don't make it a secret or a 'surprise' that you already got married.  If you get married, celebrate it and be married, and have a later vow renewal/reception to celebrate with family and friends together.  But don't keep the fact that you're already married a secret - that's never a good idea for a variety of reasons.

Also, you might want to consider (in fact, I'd highly recommend) dropping this screen name and creating a new one that doesn't include your future last name.  Read up on PERSEC and OPSEC - both are important for a future military spouse to understand.  They're related to the amount of personal information and operational information you share in public, especially online.  In this case, you're violating PERSEC by giving out identifying information about yourself and your significant other.  With details like his last name and the fact that you live near Phoenix, some crazy person might be able to figure out who he is or who you are.  Best to leave names, addresses, even specific town (unless it's a bit city, like NYC or Phoenix).  When you write about when he's leaving, don't put dates (a month is still a bit too specific - say things like "soon" or "fall/spring" to keep it vague).  Don't put locations or bases or unit numbers or anything like that.  Don't put any information that your SO may have told you about his unit - any information about training procedures, techniques, etc. or any tactical information, like whether he's said the guys are all depressed or aren't getting enough sleep or in a fire fight.  That stuff cannot be shared online, and shouldn't really leave the military community.  It may sound small, but any information can be harmful when gathered together with other little pieces.  "Loose lips sink ships."

kyrgyzstan

My darling is my dog, so I'm pretty sure he's more concerned about food than what's happening to me most of the time. 

My fiance is not particularly worried about me when he's working (his job is moderately dangerous even whilst in garrison) because I'm the recipent of everything on his Record of Emergency Data (notification, pay, death gratuity, etc.). We would not get married for any reason besides that we wanted to be married, and we would not JOP.

Also, major ditto to everything Calindi said.

Beachy730

I have nothing to add about the quickie wedding that Calindi didn't already say.  Read all of that 3 times, because all 3 of us feel the same way on it.  

I know H was worried about how i would handle the deployment because we had just gotten married and moved across the country from all of our family and friends.  But once he was actually gone and he realized I was fine he stopped worrying.  I know sometimes SM can worry about what is going on back at home, especially when they work with guys who find out their wives cheated on them or left them, but you just have to trust in the relationship you have.

ETA:  And we didn't do a quickie wedding.  We waited to have the big wedding we wanted, when we could have it, and wouldn't change that for anything.  While it would have been financially easier to have done a JOP first (I was paying out of pocket for insurance after getting laid off and needed an emergency surgery, and H's orders were cut before we were married so I wasn't listed on the move), it was important to us to only have 1 wedding day.  

future=mrs=feher

I didn't mean to knock the JOP weddings, they just don't feel quite right for me, however a lot of the women on his base seem to have chosen that. Thought it might just be for this area.We were dating since my freshmen year at the university so neither of us have felt rushed. We just realized that we had never been able to live togeather first, and the economy/ the Corps were not going to let him move in with anyone but his wife lol.

I am greatful to have a handfasting before he leaves We were going to have the handfasting when he came back, but I like the idea of including a deployment in our first year, because it will prepare me for what is to come.

The knot wont let me change my user name, but I can remove details from my profile & set what is left to private. I had read the regs when he did, but it couldn't hurt for both of us to look over them again. Thanks for a very tactful heads up

If my mommy could do the deployment thing multiple times with all of us kinds I bet I can do it right now w/o having to worry about them and just focus on keeping myself intact lol. now to convince him that I can put on my big girl panties andd deal with it!

Beachy730

You can't delete or change your name.  But since you only have 4 posts in, just stop using this account, and create a new one.  You can email the knot to ask that the account be deleted.

SamiJoeB

Ditto everything PP's said.
I don't have anything to say that doesn't echo what these 3 lovely and intelligent Military SO's had to say.

ESquared423

Agree, agree, agree with calindi 110%!

My fiance and I are not having a quickie wedding, he's not set to deploy anytime soon, and we've taken time with our wedding plans. But the idea of the big, traditional wedding just didn't sit well with us, so we have opted to get married in a private ceremony for just the 2 of us while we are here living 6000 miles away from our family (not a JOP wedding, although I have nothing against those). A few months from now we are having a celebration back home with everyone and they are all super excited about it...but I can't stress enough about how important it is to let everybody know you got married prior to your vow renewal/reception...don't be sneaky about it if you do it!

calindi

marcyk, you're the only one who seems to be in disagreement here.  The idea that people don't care for is lying to your family and friends, and I wouldn't think that's exclusive for those who are married already.  I'm not married to anyone yet, and I would be pretty ticked if a friend told me to come to her wedding and I found out (either at the ceremony or later) that they had gotten married earlier and just not told anyone simply so they could receive the tangible financial benefits from the military for having a spouse.  That's deceitful, both to your family and your employer and by default (since it's your employer in this case), your country.  Just bad news bears all the way around. 

Besides no one here told her NOT to have a JOP and then a vow renewal - just to be aware it's controversial and to proceed with caution and thoughtfulness to the feelings of those around her.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_quickie-weddings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:ab861a8c-07ed-459b-a3a1-7ce523398d64Post:aa16e1c9-6a99-4349-828e-a6b66462b8cf">Re: quickie weddings?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think (most) people understand the need/want for a small wedding before your fiancé's deployment and will be very understanding come time for the big to-do after he returns. You guys are making a huge sacrifice for our country and I can't see many people nitpicking about the details in light of that. Ironically you will find that it's the women on these boards who are already married to military men that don't care for the idea. Seeing as how they probably aren't actually coming to your wedding I would ask around in your immediate family to see how they feel about the idea. I bet they would offer you their support!! As for the details, I say go for whatever makes the days(s) feel most special for you!! You can call it a vow renewal if you'd like...I've been to those and they were just as meaningful and lovely as anything else :) Definitely register for gifts though...people WILL want to buy them for you guys!! And don't feel like you have to downplay the event...your loved ones will WANT to see you all done up for the day :) Hope that helps!
Posted by marcyk2110[/QUOTE]

<div>Really?  Did you read any of the posts before yours?  Nobody told her not to do the JOP, we said just don't be deceitful about it.  And just because I'm already married doesn't mean I'm a bitter hag who just wants to rain on everyone else's parade, but thanks for being so judgmental.  </div><div>
</div><div>Again OP, just be upfront and honest with everyone about what you're doing and most people will be fine.  I can speak for my good friend who did a secret JOP wedding a year and a half ago, and her mom is still mad at her about it, even though they found out about it over a year ago. </div>

TrevRuss

Both my  FI and I are in the military and are getting married for a second time.  We are doing a Vegas ceremony in December with just the two of us.  I'm excited!  So itis kind of a quick wedding but not really since we are planning it a little. 
My first marriage was A JOP and I always regretted it because we never did a wedding/reception or anything later.  My FI wants to give me what I want and because we have other things we need to spend money on a Vegas wedding is great to me.  Good Luck!

kyrgyzstan

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_quickie-weddings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:ab861a8c-07ed-459b-a3a1-7ce523398d64Post:3e3689ee-2abb-4d12-861e-2eee40953730">Re: quickie weddings?</a>:
[QUOTE]Both my  FI and I are in the military and are getting married for a second time.  We are doing a Vegas ceremony in December with just the two of us.  I'm excited!  So itis kind of a quick wedding but not really since we are planning it a little.  My first marriage was A JOP and I always regretted it because we never did a wedding/reception or anything later.  My FI wants to give me what I want and because we have other things we need to spend money on a Vegas wedding is great to me.  Good Luck!
Posted by TrevRuss[/QUOTE]

<div>Congrats on your wedding! With such a unique name, I would probably delete this screen name and get one that has nothing to do with your first/last name.</div>

1sttimenavywife2be

Fi and I are doing Vegas, although its considered an elopment, people who wanted to come, are more then welcome to do so...

Vegas was my idea, it started as a joke, and went on from there - Its my second marraige, his first, but he wanted to to JOP originally. Vegas commercial came on TV and i jokingly said, "lets get married by Elvis!"

Anyway, a few months later, we had our hotel and flights booked, let our friends and family know when and where, and if they wanted to come, so be it...

Eventually when we settle in after deployment and possible PSC, we will have a "reception" with those that couldnt/didnt/wouldnt travel

No one is upset or angry, most understand he and I have VERY busy lifestyles and is just something we would go off and do :-)

Excited! One week from today!!

calindi

Congratulations 1sttimenavywife!  That's very exciting, and I'm glad you guys are doing things in a unique way that suits you.  If one of my friends told me they were semi-eloping to Vegas and wanted us there, you better believe I'd hop a plane!  You'll have so much fun, and you can look forward to a fun party with family and friends down the road.

shan87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_quickie-weddings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:ab861a8c-07ed-459b-a3a1-7ce523398d64Post:cb9a2b2c-e9ce-4f2e-8304-ad55255b651c">Re: quickie weddings?</a>:
[QUOTE]Fi and I are doing Vegas, although its considered an elopment, people who wanted to come, are more then welcome to do so... Vegas was my idea, it started as a joke, and went on from there - Its my second marraige, his first, but he wanted to to JOP originally. Vegas commercial came on TV and i jokingly said, "lets get married by Elvis!" Anyway, a few months later, we had our hotel and flights booked, let our friends and family know when and where, and if they wanted to come, so be it... Eventually when we settle in after deployment and possible PSC, we will have a "reception" with those that couldnt/didnt/wouldnt travel No one is upset or angry, most understand he and I have VERY busy lifestyles and is just something we would go off and do :-) Excited! One week from today!!
Posted by 1sttimenavywife2be[/QUOTE]

I think you'd be surprised that this is becoming more common. Friends of our family planned a quick wedding in Vegas and it was beautiful in the gardens at Ceasar's Palace. I didn't get to go but did see pictures. Its becoming more popular to do more elaborate weddings in Vegas, than the drive thru or Elvis weddings that are "stereotypical Vegas weddings" :)

iluvmy0341

We actually got married at the courthouse (just the two of us) in blue jeans and t-shirts the day after the USMC Ball. We're planning a vow renewal (real wedding--someone complained I wasn't calling it a "vow renewal") in July. I actually liked it! But my family on the other hand threw a big hissy fit because we were trying to keep it a secret as to not offend the traditional catholics in my family, but it was printed in the newspaper :-/ apparently weddings are small-town news especially when I married a Marine! I still want my dad to walk me down the aisle so I'm having a wedding and I don't care if no one shows up because they want to hold a grudge over something I did for myself. All that matters is that I'm married to the best man in the world :-D

SamiJoeB

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_quickie-weddings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:ab861a8c-07ed-459b-a3a1-7ce523398d64Post:341b775e-4fe2-445b-9252-e3854fe8860e">Re: quickie weddings?</a>:
[QUOTE]We actually got married at the courthouse (just the two of us) in blue jeans and t-shirts the day after the USMC Ball. We're planning a vow renewal (real wedding--someone complained I wasn't calling it a "vow renewal") in July. I actually liked it! But my family on the other hand threw a big hissy fit because we were trying to keep it a secret as to not offend the traditional catholics in my family, but it was printed in the newspaper :-/ apparently weddings are small-town news especially when I married a Marine!<strong> I still want my dad to walk me down the aisle so I'm having a wedding</strong> and I don't care if no one shows up because they want to hold a grudge over something I did for myself. All that matters is that I'm married to the best man in the world :-D
Posted by iluvmy0341[/QUOTE]

Just curious, did you stamp your foot when you said that? Seems like something you would do.

Sammy0709

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_quickie-weddings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:ab861a8c-07ed-459b-a3a1-7ce523398d64Post:341b775e-4fe2-445b-9252-e3854fe8860e">Re: quickie weddings?</a>:
[QUOTE]We actually got married at the courthouse (just the two of us) in blue jeans and t-shirts the day after the USMC Ball. We're planning a vow renewal (real wedding--someone complained I wasn't calling it a "vow renewal") in July. I actually liked it! <strong>But my family on the other hand threw a big hissy fit because we were trying to keep it a secret as to not offend the traditional catholics in my family,</strong> but it was printed in the newspaper :-/ apparently weddings are small-town news especially when I married a Marine! I still want my dad to walk me down the aisle so I'm having a wedding and I don't care if no one shows up because they want to hold a grudge over something I did for myself. All that matters is that I'm married to the best man in the world :-D
Posted by iluvmy0341[/QUOTE]

Cause catholics aren't offended by lying.

calindi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_quickie-weddings?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:ab861a8c-07ed-459b-a3a1-7ce523398d64Post:341b775e-4fe2-445b-9252-e3854fe8860e">Re: quickie weddings?</a>:
[QUOTE]We actually got married at the courthouse (just the two of us) in blue jeans and t-shirts the day after the USMC Ball. We're planning a vow renewal (real wedding--someone complained I wasn't calling it a "vow renewal") in July. I actually liked it! But my family on the other hand threw a big hissy fit because we were trying to keep it a secret as to not offend the traditional catholics in my family, but it was printed in the newspaper :-/ apparently weddings are small-town news especially when I married a Marine!<strong> I still want my dad to walk me down the aisle so I'm having a wedding and I don't care if no one shows up because they want to hold a grudge over something I did for myself. All that matters is that I'm married to the best man in the world :-D</strong>
Posted by iluvmy0341[/QUOTE]

1.  If you wanted your Dad to walk you down the aisle when you got married, then you missed out on that since you decided to JOP in jeans with no one there.  I'm sure your Dad was quite hurt.

2.  If the JOP was for yourself, then why do you want the 'big white wedding'?  So you did the JOP for yourself, and now the 'big white wedding' for yourself, since you don't care if no one else shows up?  So you're basically selfish and self-involved, is that it?

3.  So your family threw a fit because you lied to them?  Gee, what a surprise!    That's exactly how I want to start my marriage - as a liar.
 

LuluP82

I did a JOP followed by a religious ceremony. In our case, it was no big deal as our families are all latin, and in our countries of origin, this is always how things are done. In fact, my dad and stepmom did the exact same thing (they also got married in the US)-- the day before, they went to the courthouse and the next day we were all in the church (I'm really not sure why, I think it had something to do with immigration).

For us, it worked out fine. But we didn't lie to anyone-- we sent out our save-the-dates for the religious ceremony announcing our JOP and then saying join us for our blessing on x, y, z date. Our invites were issued by my parents since they were hosting the reception, but they said it was a blessing of our union. We didn't register for gifts for a long time, but then our parents convinced us to because they were getting too many questions-- and we got a lot of checks and such. The only things we didn't do were: have a bridal party (our siblings wanted to stand up with us, so we let them, but we didn't do special outfits or anything); pre-wedding parties (seemed tacky...we were offered showers and b-parties but turned them all down). I did wear a wedding dress and have flowers and such.

I wouldn't change having the blessing/traditional ceremony for anything. We have wondeful memories and pictures and will cherish it forever. BUT, I could see people getting really upset with lies or bridezilla actions...

peanutsmama

I just want to start by saying this topic is trully a personal decision. And along with that everyone has the right to have their own views/opinions on the topic. My husband and I got married by a JOP.  We did that because we had a lot of personal reasons. But none of which were to decieve anyone or just to get benifits. We told our parents and siblings and we went as a family(wich was a major trip. His parents came from Iowa to Georgia and my parents and myself came from NY) We both come from very Catholic families. And bc we didn't get married in the church we did have to petition the church for something called a radical sumation.  We are going to be doing a vow renewal in Jan 2012. And everyone knows that we are already married. We sent out our save the date that specifided that this is going to be a vow renewal and our invites will as well. We're not registering and we're not having any of the pre "wedding" parties. My BF had a JOP wedding and kept it a secret then had a "regular" wedding. I was hurt that she didn't tell me and I wonder who would want to have to go through the rest of their marriage not being able to truly celebrate the day you were joind in marriage?  But when, where, and in from of whom is entirely up to you and your FI. And all your reasoning and your final decision is something you need to be comforable with for the rest of your lives.  I wouldn't take back my wedding day for all the world. But I am looking foword to celebrting my marriage with our extended family and our frinds.

future=mrs=feher

So an update many months later....

In mid May we had our Handfasting Ceremony and next year we will have the Wedding.

A Handfasting is a Celtic tradition where we are married for a year and a day. The trick about the Handfasting is that unlike many weddings that seem to end after 6 months you HAVE TO make it to a year and a day (with obvious exceptions for health and safely). After this period of time we have the choice to separate without any stigma which can be attached to devorce (at least where I grew up). You do not promise love forever, but as long as the love shall last. The wedding next yearis where you make vows of eternal love. 

 We only had ten people there-our family who could come from out of state and our closest friends (The wedding party for next year). I have had some good friends who have been upset that they weren't invited, but I did make what we were doing public. I even posted notes of facebook with everything about the reasons, tradtions, etc. Just not the date and location because we didn't want to have a ton of people. I had to move and my college graduation in the 2 days before that. When my husband and I got to base we slept like the dead  

Ii get to spend the time inbetween working and I have DIY projects to keep me busy while he is busy at work. Hopefully I get a job quick so I don't have too much free time lol. (yay for learning Caligraphy to write our 150 invites for next year and breaking out the scrapbooking stuff to play with invites If I do invites before the day he can do the bulk of the thank you notes after)

The tradition attached to gifts at a ceremony is that they should be things that can be divided at the end of the year if necessary (ex: Dishes, even numbers of towels, nothing with our monograms together). We asked that we get pictures of the day, but nothing else. We have started registries for our wedding next year, and some of the bridal showers that my MOH and Mother want to hold for me. 

Asked our FRO and some people at MCCS about my screen name and they said they would look into it, but it shouldn't be any worse than having a facebook. What I really need to monitor are my posts (nothing about the groups he's with, where he is going, his job,etc. also not posting pictures of the two of us was advised for now)