VERY casual wedding, HELP!! *long post*

elizabethewald

So we had planned on doing a destination wedding in Mexico. Then my fiance's mother got VERY upset saying that she couldn't leave work during that time. She made us an offer, if we would have our wedding here, she would pay our airfare to Mexico for our honeymoon. Sounded great! We had already started buying things, paid our DJ, venue, put $2000 down on our honeymoon, etc. My fiance called her a couple of weeks ago to tell her that she should buy the tickets fairly soon and she backed out, saying that she didn't realize that she couldn't use miles since Alaska Airlines doesn't fly to Cancun. Now we had to chose between our big wedding and our vacation, we chose the vacation.

We have decided to push it up to 11-10-10 and do a family only dinner at one of the nicer restaurants in town and do the ceremony there but we are at a loss for how this is going to work. It isn't a private room but a corner section of the restaurant and I have no idea if I still do a bouquet, do I enter after everyone is there? Do we just come in together? Do we eat after or let people have apps first?? I really have NO idea what to do!!

sarahbutchin

I'm a little confused, are you going to be getting married at the table???

mbcdefg

Your legal wedding IS the "actual wedding."

Get married in the restaurant. You can enter with your escort, or alone ... or you can walk in with FI and go to the officiant and get married. Serve your guests some appetizers while you go away to have some alone time and take some couples portraits. Then come back and you can all eat dinner together. If you have room for dancing and want to do special dances with your parents and each other, fine. If you want to do toasts and a cake cutting, fine. If you want a bouquet, fine, and if you don't want one then skip it.

If there won't be dancing, try to keep the party to maybe three hours. Treat it like a dinner party. If you want to do it differently, go ahead. If you want appetizers passed around to occupy your guests before the ceremony starts, fine.

Do what you want, but treating this legal wedding like a fake wedding just because it's not what you wanted isn't right. Pick ONE thing and do it. Pay for it yourselves and do what you want. If Mommy doesn't like it, either change your plans so that you can include her, or tell her "tough luck" and she doesn't have to be there.

deepcovejackie

I'm not sure what you're asking.  Do you mean you want two weddings, one on 11-11-11 and one on 11-11-10?  I'd drop the first wedding altogether.  I'd go with the Mexico wedding only, and change the location so mom can use points to get there if that's her concern.  If it's work, then surely she can ask for a few days off a year in advance??

elizabethewald

We can't change the location, we have already paid for a big portion of the trip. We don't want to anyhow, it is am amazing location and we have friends who have already booked as well.
As far as the "actual wedding" I mean that this is a fake wedding at all. I mean the one that others are invited to, we get to wear our wedding attire, the one that we are going to tell everyone about. The "legal" wedding is very private and for family only. Mom can't go period, she works for the borough and it is during their budget planning so nobody is allowed to take time off. She is the main reason for the one here. As far as everyone else knows, our Mexico wedding is the only one we are having. Maybe I should have refered to this as our "secret wedding"?

kaliedoscopeyes1

Oh okay I get it. So this is just for mom? I would have a small bouquet and no isle. And do it right before dinner and then all the eating can be done at once. I'm having a small ceremony at a restaurant as well and it will be a standing ceremony. Since you don't have many people, you could do that as well and maybe have everyone stand in sort of a U shape around. It'll make it more intimate, give you guys some privacy, and make it easier for your family to hear your vows. Casual cermonies are always best when they are kept casual. When you try to add formal elements, it turns awkward. Embrace the relaxed vibe you have going on.

artbyallie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_very-casual-wedding-long-post?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:af3107fd-2e47-4204-9578-78621ef51ab9Post:6cca810a-7684-42a9-8e7f-4d0f6e65bd9c">Re: VERY casual wedding, HELP!! *long post*</a>:
[QUOTE]We can't change the location, we have already paid for a big portion of the trip. We don't want to anyhow, it is am amazing location and we have friends who have already booked as well. As far as the "actual wedding" I mean that this is a fake wedding at all. I mean the one that others are invited to, we get to wear our wedding attire, the one that we are going to tell everyone about. The "legal" wedding is very private and for family only. Mom can't go period, she works for the borough and it is during their budget planning so nobody is allowed to take time off. She is the main reason for the one here. As far as everyone else knows, our Mexico wedding is the only one we are having. Maybe I should have refered to this as our "secret wedding"?
Posted by elizabethewald[/QUOTE]

<div>Oh boy... do you have any idea how people are going to react to this? Certainly on these forums, and more than likely in real life (though they won't tell you about it), it's going to seriously tick people off. Don't have a secret wedding. If you're old enough to get married, you're old enough not to lie about it.</div>

elizabethewald

hahaha...... yeah, I do know about these forums because I do read them often and I also see all of the ladies attack anyone that doesn't think exactly like you do.

Unbelievable!

 And yes, I am old enough to not "lie", it is none of your business frankly why we are big boys and girls here and personal attacks are just plain poor taste. I wasn't asking for your opinion on why we are doing this or whether we should do it at all. I was simply asking for suggestions on how to do it in a restaurant.

This is the problem with these forums, people come for a simple suggestion and people get all high and mighty..... how high school

aerinpegadrak

So just have your actual wedding and take a lovely anniversary trip to Mexico.  Malphabet had some great suggestions for how to do that.  I just don't see the point of the second party, and I wouldn't be surprised if not a whole lot of people make the trip with you when it's not for your wedding.

sarahbutchin

Hey- I wasn't trying to be mean I was just confused. Have you thought about going to City Hall before dinner, with your family as witnesses, and then having the reception at the restaurant?
I think that could be nice! That way you know exactly where to stand, people have places to sit, etc. AND you don't need to change your reception plans. Just a though :-)

mbcdefg

Well, you know, if a bunch of strangers are telling you that you've got a bad idea, then statistically a bunch of your family members and friends are probably thinking the exact same thing.

However, the difference is that they're not going to tell you to your face that it's a bad idea. They'll just talk about it behind your back.

So, yeah, good luck with your loved ones not being pissed and insulted that you're keeping secrets from them. Or just be an adult and pick ONE thing and do it, rather than trying to have your cake and eat it too. Life is about compromise.

elizabethewald

aerinpegadrak - thank you for the advice and not tearing into me!

sarahbutchin - I didn't mean that to be directed at you, you were fine :-)

mrs.jesse- Yes, we have an officiant, an old family friend of my fiance who is a minister as well so we're covered there :-) 

Everone Else-hmmmmm......compromise huh? That it exactly why we are doing this to begin with. None of our loved ones are "pissed", as a matter of fact they are very supportive and happy that those who couldn't go to Mexico can be here. I don't get why people think we are LYING here...... we are simply keeping this event very private (not secret, but small guest wise) and doing the 1 year in Mexico as our larger ceremony/renewal.  Many people have already booked their rooms for Mexico and everyone already  knows that we are doing this ceremony here for fiance's Mother and immediate family that cannot go (my grandparents are in their 90's as well)...... it is her only son and she was heartbroken that she could not go. I would never tell her "too bad" that is just plain wrong being her only child. This is quite the opposite of selfish on both of our parts so that comment is pretty out of line.

elizabethewald

Come to think about it..... it doesn't even matter. My question was about the logistics of our wedding and how to handle it, not about whether people agree with it, which they do anyhow because it was the most logical choice for us. Who cares if we are having a renewal/symbolic ceremony on out 1 year anniversary in Mexico? I have heard of much stranger things!

elizabethewald

 

mbcdefg
I had to share this with my FH because I was totally blown away by your attitude and lack of understanding what we are doing here. My FH just read these and thinks that you are very rude and wanted me to tell you that we ARE changing our plans to include his mother, that is the entire reason we are doing it to begin with.

I'm not sure if you are even reading the entire story before you rant and rave.

kathrynhabibti

[QUOTE]hahaha...... yeah, I do know about these forums because I do read them often and<strong> I also see all of the ladies attack anyone that doesn't think exactly like you do.</strong> Unbelievable!  And yes, I am old enough to not "lie", it is none of your business frankly why we are big boys and girls here and personal attacks are just plain poor taste. I wasn't asking for your opinion on why we are doing this or whether we should do it at all. I was simply asking for suggestions on how to do it in a restaurant. <strong>This is the problem with these forums, people come for a simple suggestion and people get all high and mighty..... how high school</strong>
Posted by elizabethewald[/QUOTE]
Funny, you've done the exact same thing because your idea wasn't validated: attacked those who have responded - calling them all "high and mighty" and said it's so "high school". (By the way - you're not clever when you say that. It's become the typical response around here when someone can't come up with meaningful to say.)

Calling your later pretty pretty princess day your "actual" wedding is, frankly, insulting. I hope you're grown up enough to understand why.

sarahbutchin

So how do you feel about the courthouse?

JustKate

If you want a Grand Entrance, then have everyone meet there first and come in after everyone is seated.  If that doesn't matter, then come in whenever.  Does the restaurant have a balcony or outside deck that could accommodate you and your guests for a ceremony?  You could do the ceremony outside, then have a grand reception entrance into the main dining area.

kaliedoscopeyes1

I think I was the only one that actually answered you question. Everyone got a little off-topic.

deepcovejackie

In Response to Re: VERY casual wedding, HELP!! *long post*:
 Maybe I should have refered to this as our "secret wedding"?
Posted by elizabethewald[/QUOTE]

The idea of a "secret wedding" implies that you have no intention of telling the folks that are travelling all the way to Mexico to see you get married that, in fact, you're already married.  That is what some pp's here are objecting to.  It's lying by omission.  I think you'll find that the posters here will reflect what your friends and family will really think of the plan.

I know you were only asking about how to manage the first (secret) wedding, but you've posted on an international forum.  You don't get to dictate how people respond, even if you don't like the answers.

Angrytomato

I like the courthouse idea. Or you could always find a pretty park or other setting with a nice backdrop for the ceremony, then adjourn to the restaurant for the reception.

 Saying "I do" at the dinner table just seems weird.

Linz10882

Wow, some people on these boards are so close-minded.  Mbcdefg must be an expert on weddings considering her nearly 13,000 posts on the Knot.  Perhaps a little time in the real world instead of on the computer would broaden her horizons....

By definition, a wedding is:

1. to marry (another person) in a formal ceremony.

2. to unite (a couple) in marriage or wedlock; marry.

Sounds like Elizabethewald can have her small "civil ceremony" and also her larger, formal ceremony in Mexico.  This doesn't go against the definition of "wedding" in my book.  Where I live (Miami), this is actually super common-- A small civil ceremony followed by a large, formal wedding at a later date.  People-- including myself-- do it for a variety of reasons.  I don't believe we're all going to wedding hell for it  

In response to the actual question-- Maybe you could do the ceremony in a patio area or small outdoor space at the restaurant?  Maybe there is a terrace or something? Then all the guests could go to the table and start on appetizers and drinks.  You and your husband could go take some photos and then do your grand entrance, followed by dinner for everyone, along with toasts and cake cutting. 

Have fun and don't worry about the negativity from others!  Perhaps they're just jealous they didn't get to do it this way  

beckerz03

I just want to quickly comment to the OP. I'm a DW bride so I know the doing two different "weddings"

Having an actual, legal wedding in Mexico requires a lot (blood work, etc.). Many girls do the legality of a wedding here (signs papers etc), but have their wedding in Mexico - a civil ceremony.

So you could always do the legality part of it here (courthouse or otherwise - don't exchange vows), but you and your FI could consider your Mexico date as the true wedding. It happens all the time.

Though, I wouldn't treat the one here as a wedding. Dress nice, do what you want, but if you want to consider 11-11-11 your wedding, then treat this as just signing papers. Though, remember. it is consider a legal wedding in the US, so you will need your passport to reflect your married name.

HTH!

SimplyMistaken

Agree with Beckerz! I was a destination wedding bride myself..I did it legally in PuntaCana but can understand why you would not.  If the ceremony is the wedding for you, then go for it! 

P.S.  The Destination Wedding boards are great for advice if you need it! 

*tinkertoy*

So what exactly constitutes a wedding to you?

Saying Vows?

Signing legal papers?

What about common law marriages, when are those real marriages?

What I am getting at is IMO, a wedding is when the couple decides by whatever action is important to THEM makes them married.

How do you know every wedding you have been to was LEGAL? Does it really matter?  

To the OP, a year is a long time, perhaps call your Mexico ceremony a vow renewal. Then your friends can celebrate your 1 year with you!

kathrynhabibti

[QUOTE]So what exactly constitutes a wedding to you? Saying Vows? Signing legal papers? What about common law marriages, when are those real marriages? What I am getting at is IMO, a wedding is when the couple decides by whatever action is important to THEM makes them married. How do you know every wedding you have been to was LEGAL? Does it really matter?   To the OP, a year is a long time, perhaps call your Mexico ceremony a vow renewal. Then your friends can celebrate your 1 year with you!
Posted by *tinkertoy*[/QUOTE]
I don't dispute the legality or realness of common law marriages. But that's different from a WEDDING. I can't know for absolute certain that every wedding I've been to was the legally binding one but I take it on faith that they were; but if I found out I'd been lied to I'd be upset - I would think that my real friends wouldn't lie to me about something so serious.

I do agree with you on your suggestion of a vow renewal in Mexico.

Lisa50

Maybe the restaurant manager can help with your logistics.  He/she should have experience in party planning and, likely, has helped coordinate something similar.  Best of luck!

SunBear22

To the OP; check your PM's.

natalie0131

I'm getting married in 2 weeks (11-15-2010) in Mexico and had kind of a similar situation at one point in my planning...
We have always planned to get married in Puerto Vallarta. We are doing a legal ceremony there (bloodwork, paperwork, etc.) Luckily I am getting married at an AI with a fabulous wedding coordinator who has made the paperwork process a breeze. 
At one point, though, despite all my research of holidays before hand, we found out that the Mexican Revolution Day was going to be observed on our wedding day. Which means all government offices are close. Which means no judge would marry us. 
So that was kind of a nightmare and at one point we thought we'd have to do the legal stuff in the States before we left. My mom was kind of upset by this and had a similar reaction to some of these Knotties-- "that it wasn't going to be a REAL wedding." This really upset me at first, but after I explained to my mom that a marriage to me wasn't a process of paperwork-- it's the act of exchanging vows in front of the people that are closest to you. My mom is a logical woman, so she saw that even if we had to get the marriage paperwork done in the US, it was just that--signing paperwork. 
It ended up that the holiday observation date got moved, but either way, it would have worked out.
It sounds like the only reason you are having the restaurant wedding is to appease the MIL. I can see wanting to make someone close to you happy....but, like PP have said, you should do what you want. I do NOT think it makes you any less of a "grown up" to want to please your MIL, though. I think she will come around (and come to the wedding) in a year if you end up just having one ceremony in MX. (And foregoing the one in two weeks.) For everyone that can't/won't come to the wedding in MX, you can always have a party at home afterwards (an at home reception) for everyone to celebrate the marriage. This is what we're doing and our guests are really looking forward to it. 
I sincerely hope this helps. From one Mexico bride to another, if I were in your shoes, I would not do the wedding in 2 weeks (it sounds like you are really stressed out about it anyways), proceed with the wedding in Mexico next year, and plan the restaurant reception for family and friends upon your return. 
Good luck and congratulations!

EhTb4evr

i think people just need to quit bickering, grow up and give the poor girl the advice she is looking for!! whether or not you like the idea is irrelevant! If the family/friends in their lives are ok with two different ceremonies/parties, what have you, then LET HER BE! she is asking for suggestions on how to perform the ceremony not to be criticized. Come on ladies this is why we're here isnt it? to give advice? keep that in mind. Good luck elizabethewald

lauralaur

OP, I would just like to point out if I may, that first, you said this would be a "secret wedding," and that is what people are objecting to, the secrecy. You have since come back and said that no, all of your friends and family know about the legal ceremony coming up, and are still excited to go to Mexico. Knowing that all of your friends and family know about the legal ceremony, I think your plan sounds fine. It is if you were lying to all of them that would be wrong, which is what I believe you led people to think you would be doing.

Ditto others, just do whatever feels right. If you think the bouquet toss would be weird with a small guest list, don't do one. Toasts, however, I do not think would be out of place.

Cinomin63

Follow your dreams. Have the wedding here for your family and then go have your dream ceremony. I agree with finding a place to exchange your vows that is not in a restaurants. Find a park, a gazebo, a fountain or some place scenic or with meaning. Use your imagination. Office building, the location you met, a family members home... If you do it in the restaurant you will have to worry about babies crying, people talking etc.

I am not sure why people do not understand you wanting to have your dream day and also be able to share it with the family that is not able to make it. If anyone would be mad at you, then they don't deserve to share that special day with you. It is not like you are inviting 100 guests to Mexico. I am sure it is your close friends, family etc. Make both days special and good luck.