Can traditional wedding festivities follow a civil ceremony?

Miss.Shann111

My fiance will be joining the US Navy and we're planning a small civil ceremony with our parents and a few friends with the intent of having a religious blessing ceremony and reception for our entire families and more friends in 2013. What I'm struggling with is how that should be accomplished - will I be foregoing the traditions of picking out a bridal gown, having a bridal shower, walking down the aisle with my father, planning a dinner, flowers, registering for gifts, etc b/c John and I are planning to have a legal ceremony first? I'm a very traditional person and so is he, we still want to be able to have those rites of passage even though we have to expedite the legal process for purposes of the Navy. We want to maintain our own relationship with a religious leader and be able to have our marriage blessed by God, and as a girlie girl, I don't want to miss the fun and excitement of all the traditional activities a non-military bride gets to have.

divinemsbee

Yes, some of those traditions are something you might have to give up or scale back with your current plan. Most of the "firsts" wouldn't really be firsts anymore one you would

 already be married. As far as bachelorette parties go,  if you're going to do it I would do it before your wedding (when you are legally married) because doing it after that would seem very weird to me. It's also something that your bridal party or friends should plan for you and should only include people that are invited to your wedding (again, when I say wedding, I mean the legal one, because after that you are married). 

Someone might offer to throw you a shower after your wedding but before your blessing, but you might have less attendance because you are already married, and some people would side-eye having a gift party for that. Someone could plan one before your wedding, but they should only include people who are on the guestlist for your wedding, not the blessing. I would register, but don't expect to get a ton of stuff and I wouldn't make it too large. Some people, will buy you a gift if they are just invited to the blessing, but some people don't do gifts for blessings/renewals. 

You can wear whatever you want. Some people side-eye the big poofy/wedding-y dress for a blessing/renewal, but personally I don't have a preference there. You can totally still plan an awesome dinner and have entertainment or whatever you want. I think the dad walking you down the aisle thing would be a bit weird to me, because you would already be a married woman of many months, and people may side-eye that. 

Also, and you didn't say anything about this, so this is preemptive,  the day you get legally married is your wedding day. A blessing is great if that's important to you, and there are a few girls around who have done the JOP and then a religious ceremony, and I hope they'll be around to give you some good advice on that. Since this is the route you're choosing, make your wedding day as special as you can!

You say you're hurrying up for the Navy; there are several brides on here who have had (or are planning, I'm one of them) a "traditional" wedding and all the fluff/activities while still on the military's timeline. I don't know your situation, but, generally, just because he's in the service doesn't mean you have to have to get married before your religious blessing. If you want to go about it that way/don't want to wait and plan it, okay, but don't blame the military for it. 

sps14

My fiance is also in the Navy (hooyah!) and I understand how you feel...we thought about getting married at the end of the year before any deployment happens at the beginning of next year but like yourself, I am a very traditional person, so instead we are just waiting until he gets back from deployment next year and having the wedding in 2014. It will suck having to wait that long to plan anything (like I havent already started pinning things....lol) but I think for myself and hisself and our family, it will work out much better that way. 

I love my fiance and I love the Navy, dont get me wrong, it sometimes sucks to have to work around their schedule though but you'll learn the motto quick if you havent already; "hurry up and wait!"

Zeldakins

Divine is right, you only get married once...(well to one person)if you want to have something after for more people, that's all well and fun but remember to be up front and honest that you've already had a civil union. I'm going to sound a little harsh here, but why don't you just wait? It's not gonna kill you, or else i wouldn't be typing this. Is there something impeding you from putting the wedding off until next year? A year is nothing to wait, plus you have time to save up money (if you and your FI are the ones paying for everything) and plan the wedding you obviously so badly want. I'm not very religious, but am planning to include some traditional elements into my wedding. I'm not planning to get my union recognized by any religion later on (FI and I were raised in different denominations). FI and I will be paying for everything, unless someone offers to pitch in, so we're deciding to wait for a more opportune moment. If he happens to get deployed beforehand, well we'll just have to wait some more, it's no biggie. 

ggirl2001

You don't have to miss out on all the fun and the excitement. Many girls here planned their wedding around military time frames and were able to have everything on one day. Ditto whateveryone else said though. 

LetsHikeToday

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_can-traditional-wedding-festivities-follow-a-civil-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:b312b9fe-a8ec-4aad-8874-dd73f2e5eec7Post:1f665ab8-89ca-40c5-b58c-f666e0d8e511">Can traditional wedding festivities follow a civil ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance will be joining the US Navy and we're planning a small civil ceremony with our parents and a few friends with the intent of having a religious blessing ceremony and reception for our entire families and more friends in 2013. What I'm struggling with is how that should be accomplished - will I be foregoing the traditions of picking out a bridal gown, having a bridal shower, walking down the aisle with my father, planning a dinner, flowers, registering for gifts, etc b/c John and I are planning to have a legal ceremony first? I'm a very traditional person and so is he, we still want to be able to have those rites of passage <strong>even though we have to expedite the legal process for purposes of the Navy</strong>. We want to maintain our own relationship with a religious leader and be able to have our marriage blessed by God, and as a girlie girl, I don't want to miss the fun and excitement of all the traditional activities a non-military bride gets to have.
Posted by Miss.Shann111[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Why do you HAVE to expedite the process?

</div>

ggirl2001

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_can-traditional-wedding-festivities-follow-a-civil-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:b312b9fe-a8ec-4aad-8874-dd73f2e5eec7Post:e24ca7c2-7752-450f-85b4-72772dfa432b">Re: Can traditional wedding festivities follow a civil ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Can traditional wedding festivities follow a civil ceremony? : Why do you HAVE to expedite the process?
Posted by LetsHikeToday[/QUOTE]
Well, duh, because the military totally makes it difficult to get married. Obviously. 

LetsHikeToday

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_can-traditional-wedding-festivities-follow-a-civil-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:b312b9fe-a8ec-4aad-8874-dd73f2e5eec7Post:cdda3a3d-d935-477b-bd9a-e11e7f403882">Re: Can traditional wedding festivities follow a civil ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Can traditional wedding festivities follow a civil ceremony? : Well, duh, because the military totally makes it difficult to get married. Obviously. 
Posted by ggirl2001[/QUOTE]
Shhit. I forgot. I just wanted to know if the HAVE reason was either benefits, being able to move with him, or the extra money. 

ggirl2001

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_can-traditional-wedding-festivities-follow-a-civil-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:b312b9fe-a8ec-4aad-8874-dd73f2e5eec7Post:36f9229b-b61b-49b8-9a34-f3448770c4d0">Re: Can traditional wedding festivities follow a civil ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Can traditional wedding festivities follow a civil ceremony? : Shhit. I forgot. I just wanted to know if the HAVE reason was either benefits, being able to move with him, or the extra money. 
Posted by LetsHikeToday[/QUOTE]
I select option D-all of the above. 

Miss.Shann111

We have to expedite things b/c we want to stay together once he's back from bootcamp and A-school. If we're not legally married before he leaves for bootcamp, they won't recognize me as his "dependant" (their terminology, not mine). This could mean, depending on the requirements of his command that he'll have to live in the barracks, we won't receive seperation pay, and if he gets stationed across the country they won't cover the moving expenses for our entire family (myself and our dogs). Also, should he get injured or anything like that while he's away at school or bootcamp, I won't be recognized as the person legally allowed to make decisions about his care.

Miss.Shann111

I agree about the bachelor/bachelorette party thing...we weren't really planning one anyway b/c neither of us are really into the club scene. He'll probably just go fishing or golfing for a day, and I'll be happy with a massage. My dad is coming to the civil ceremony, so maybe he can give me away officially there - that just seemed more like a religiously signifigant action than a legal one. How should I tell our families? I suppose my civil ceremony will be my marriage, but I have issues thinking of it as my wedding - that's something sanctioned by God, not the State. The Navy recognizes the State, but I want to have our union blessed by Him and celebrated by our families. That is what I feel would be the actual wedding ceremony.

LetsHikeToday

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_can-traditional-wedding-festivities-follow-a-civil-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:b312b9fe-a8ec-4aad-8874-dd73f2e5eec7Post:cad2d4bb-822b-4348-b817-b18ebd02da3f">Re: Can traditional wedding festivities follow a civil ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]We have to expedite things b/c we want to stay together once he's back from bootcamp and A-school. If we're not legally married before he leaves for bootcamp, they won't recognize me as his "dependant" (their terminology, not mine). This could mean, depending on the requirements of his command that he'll have to live in the barracks, we won't receive seperation pay, and if he gets stationed across the country they won't cover the moving expenses for our entire family (myself and our dogs). Also, should he get injured or anything like that while he's away at school or bootcamp, I won't be recognized as the person legally allowed to make decisions about his care.
Posted by Miss.Shann111[/QUOTE]
I know all of this as my husband is in the Navy.<div>
</div><div>
</div>

Sammy0709

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_can-traditional-wedding-festivities-follow-a-civil-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:b312b9fe-a8ec-4aad-8874-dd73f2e5eec7Post:cad2d4bb-822b-4348-b817-b18ebd02da3f">Re: Can traditional wedding festivities follow a civil ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]We have to expedite things b/c we want to stay together once he's back from bootcamp and A-school. If we're not legally married before he leaves for bootcamp, they won't recognize me as his "dependant" (their terminology, not mine). This could mean, depending on the requirements of his command that he'll have to live in the barracks, we won't receive seperation pay, and if he gets stationed across the country they won't cover the moving expenses for our entire family (myself and our dogs). Also, should he get injured or anything like that while he's away at school or bootcamp, I won't be recognized as the person legally allowed to make decisions about his care.
Posted by Miss.Shann111[/QUOTE]
Even after reading all of your arguments for the JOP+VR, I would just wait it out.  Living in the barracks, MAY BE a legit concern but that's a big maybe.  A lot of women pay for the move on their own.  Heck, I had a JOP and I STILL paid for my entire move across the country.  As far as him getting hurt at school or basic, he stands the same risk of being hurt to the point where he would need you to make decisions about his care as it is now.  I don't see you rushing to the JOP tomorrow.  That kind of makes that argument a moot point. 

Sammy0709

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_can-traditional-wedding-festivities-follow-a-civil-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:b312b9fe-a8ec-4aad-8874-dd73f2e5eec7Post:c04ca03a-63ec-49f9-b42b-f49eadc16c02">Re: Can traditional wedding festivities follow a civil ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Can traditional wedding festivities follow a civil ceremony? : I know all of this as my husband is in the Navy.
Posted by LetsHikeToday[/QUOTE]
And this...

LetsHikeToday

Like Sammy said, anyone's fiance can get in a car accident or get hurt and not be able to make medical decisions for them. Should everyone get married the day after they get engaged? 

Family separation pay is an added benefit and so is having the Navy move you for free.

ggirl2001

Based on your reasoning, I also vote wait. I paid to move myself down to H before we were married (he was deployed at the time, but I got a job offer). Since it seems like the religious aspect and having all the rest of it is important to you, I would wait until he gets to his first duty station. That gives you a better understanding of what his schedule will be like and more time to plan. 

Miss.Shann111

Yeah, I get what you mean about the car accident - only it's a lot more likely for him to be injured when he's in a job that requires combat, and not one that means sitting at a desk all day. I wasn't concerned with whether to wait or get married b/c we've already planned the civil ceremony. I wanted to know how to go about the blessing ceremony. Should we just send wedding announcements and then the invitations to the ceremony and reception? The funny thing in all this is, I asked my mom the same question I posed here and her response was 'why can't you have it all after sacraficing for the time being so your husband can make a life for your both?' Lol, she's gonna throw me a party...I'm not really worried about that. People will make things negative if they like, but the bottom line is - if you want something a certain way, who is anyone to tell you different?

Thanks for all your opinions, I think I just answered my own question.

Miss.Shann111

Sammy - thanks for the links. Our civil union is planned for Sept 15th before he leaves in October.

LetsHikeToday

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_can-traditional-wedding-festivities-follow-a-civil-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:b312b9fe-a8ec-4aad-8874-dd73f2e5eec7Post:7efa7901-01cc-4acf-9ee0-390b7475ddec">Re: Can traditional wedding festivities follow a civil ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, I get what you mean about the car accident - only it's a lot more likely for him to be injured when he's in a job that requires combat, and not one that means sitting at a desk all day. I wasn't concerned with whether to wait or get married b/c we've already planned the civil ceremony. I wanted to know how to go about the blessing ceremony. Should we just send wedding announcements and then the invitations to the ceremony and reception? The funny thing in all this is, I asked my mom the same question I posed here and her response was <strong>'why can't you have it all after sacraficing for the time being so your husband can make a life for your both?'</strong> Lol, she's gonna throw me a party...I'm not really worried about that. People will make things negative if they like, but the bottom line is - <strong>if you want something a certain way, who is anyone to tell you different? </strong>Thanks for all your opinions, I think I just answered my own question.
Posted by Miss.Shann111[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I'd be careful calling a court house wedding a sacrifice. 

<div>Well, you did post this on a public forum so there's that. </div><div>
</div><div>
</div></div>

Miss.Shann111

No - we're not going to the courthouse, and that's certainly not the sacrafice I was refering to...it was more the rites of passage that come with a traditional ceremony: father walking down the aisle, bridal gown shopping with mom and mom-in-law, etc...as far as I'm concerned I'm setting those things aside for now. Lol, I read another Military Brides board and it got nasty...clearly not all military wives are the most gracious people, lol

ggirl2001

I don't even think I have it in me today. Just put this under one of those "I don't get it" things. I wouldn't call getting married sacrificing anything.

LetsHikeToday

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_can-traditional-wedding-festivities-follow-a-civil-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:b312b9fe-a8ec-4aad-8874-dd73f2e5eec7Post:80d74282-5d78-4014-b9ca-ada2832afd85">Re: Can traditional wedding festivities follow a civil ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]No - we're not going to the courthouse, and that's certainly not the sacrafice I was refering to...it was more the rites of passage that come with a traditional ceremony: father walking down the aisle, bridal gown shopping with mom and mom-in-law, etc...as far as I'm concerned I'm setting those things aside for now. Lol, I read another Military Brides board and it got nasty...clearly not all military wives are the most gracious people, lol
Posted by Miss.Shann111[/QUOTE]
You used the word, not me. I don't know how we aren't being gracious but whatever. Enjoy planning. 

ggirl2001

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_can-traditional-wedding-festivities-follow-a-civil-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:b312b9fe-a8ec-4aad-8874-dd73f2e5eec7Post:19ba8857-6763-4ec6-a903-358b8ee77403">Re: Can traditional wedding festivities follow a civil ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Can traditional wedding festivities follow a civil ceremony? : You used the word, not me. I don't know how we aren't being gracious but whatever. Enjoy planning. 
Posted by LetsHikeToday[/QUOTE]
Because we didn't jump up and down and squeal  that it's a great idea and that  she can totally do that. 

LetsHikeToday

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_can-traditional-wedding-festivities-follow-a-civil-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:b312b9fe-a8ec-4aad-8874-dd73f2e5eec7Post:b3d986e2-3d94-4afe-b339-cf86ea990a73">Re: Can traditional wedding festivities follow a civil ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Can traditional wedding festivities follow a civil ceremony? : Because we didn't jump up and down and squeal  that it's a great idea and that  she can totally do that. 
Posted by ggirl2001[/QUOTE]
It's interesting that both this website and the other website have military wives that "aren't gracious". Maybe it means her idea isn't the best? 

ggirl2001

Well we know I'm not gracious, so there is that. But this is the only one I frequent haha. 

Miss.Shann111

Ha! I wasn't talking about any of you specifically, but I read some posts that put me off, lol...people are nasty sometimes. Anyway, I found the Ms. Manners thing here helpful, and couldn't agree more. It didn't even occur to me that people lie about being married and then have a big ceremony, etc. That's crazy! Anyway, this was extra helpful, I'm gonna forego the registry, shower and just send wedding annoucements to let everyone know we're throwing the reception and blessing ceremony.

http://militarybrides.weebly.com/real-stories-of-the-jop.html

ggirl2001

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_can-traditional-wedding-festivities-follow-a-civil-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:b312b9fe-a8ec-4aad-8874-dd73f2e5eec7Post:14408373-1df8-44f2-83cb-4e1de54a517e">Re: Can traditional wedding festivities follow a civil ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ha! I wasn't talking about any of you specifically, but I read some posts that put me off, lol...people are nasty sometimes. Anyway, I found the Ms. Manners thing here helpful, and couldn't agree more. It didn't even occur to me that people lie about being married and then have a big ceremony, etc. That's crazy! Anyway, this was extra helpful, I'm gonna forego the registry, shower and just send wedding annoucements to let everyone know we're throwing the reception and blessing ceremony. <a href="http://militarybrides.weebly.com/real-stories-of-the-jop.html" rel="nofollow">http://militarybrides.weebly.com/real-stories-of-the-jop.html</a>
Posted by Miss.Shann111[/QUOTE]<div>Whoa. Someone actually read "read here before posting" post. Mark this day down in the books!  Anyway, yeah thats basically what we are saying. Don't get caught in the traps of what a wedding is. A wedding is the day you get married, everything else is fluff. Have a kick ass party with friends and family, that's totally cool, but don't try for a total "do-over" ya know? 

</div>

LetsHikeToday

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_can-traditional-wedding-festivities-follow-a-civil-ceremony?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:b312b9fe-a8ec-4aad-8874-dd73f2e5eec7Post:14408373-1df8-44f2-83cb-4e1de54a517e">Re: Can traditional wedding festivities follow a civil ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ha! I wasn't talking about any of you specifically, but I read some posts that put me off, lol...people are nasty sometimes. Anyway, I found the Ms. Manners thing here helpful, and couldn't agree more. It didn't even occur to me that people lie about being married and then have a big ceremony, etc. That's crazy! Anyway, this was extra helpful, I'm gonna forego the registry, shower and just send wedding annoucements to let everyone know we're throwing the reception and blessing ceremony. <a href="http://militarybrides.weebly.com/real-stories-of-the-jop.html" rel="nofollow">http://militarybrides.weebly.com/real-stories-of-the-jop.html</a>
Posted by Miss.Shann111[/QUOTE]
Well, I'm pretty sure Miss Manner's point was that it is okay to go to the court house and have a religious blessing but don't have the parties, bridesmaids, big dress, etc.<div>
</div><div>So if you're not planning on having those things, why can't you just have the religious ceremony first?</div><div>
</div><div>I guess I'm not understanding.</div>

CAB1217

Someone read the sticky?!? I just got a lil tear in my eye. That, and the return of Hike ;

CAB1217

Damn you, TK mobile. That semi colon was meant to be a damn winky face.

divinemsbee

I saw that there were so many more posts and honestly was expecting a much larger train wreck. I don't know whether to be disappointed or not.

OP, it sounds like you have a good idea of what you're going to to. While I don't understand not just doing everything at once, it sounds like your family is pretty determined to throw you a party and from your last post you seem to be going about it in what I think is one of the better ways to go about this. I guess if you see giving up these things that are important to you as sacrifices, I guess I don't see the point of making them. You don't have to, no one is forcing your hand, least of all the Navy. You could easily plan the wedding for once he gets to his first duty station and you could move there. My FI and I moved all of my stuff to his duty station together (yes, it was tiring and expensive, but it's done), and once all of our stuff was together the military just moved it for us. 

As far as being the emergency contact, I'm my FI's. I'm the number one person that the military would contact in case of anything happening. I'm also his beneficiary, all of which he was able to do without us being married. 

My mom and several members of my family wondered why my FI and I didn't just get married where we are and then they'd help us throw a party back in our home state later. Almost exactly what you're doing. Some days do I think it would be easier? Yup. But, for me and my FI, it was important to have our friends and family witness the beginning of our marriage, to do it once and do it as close to how we wanted it as anyone's wedding turns out. Not to mention that we'd spend as much on a party as we would on a wedding anyway (sounds like your plan as well) so it's not like we'd be saving that much money. The deal is that I don't feel like I'm a more special snowflake than any other bride who has a budget or lives away from their FI or lives far away from their family just because of my FI's job. Lots of people have these situations, but it's never thrown at them that they can have a JOP and the PPD it up later (this is becoming a worryingly more common trend, though). I guess that if my mom said something about how we'd sacrificed and I should "have it all" I'd think she was suffering from head trauma. He's going to boot camp and A-school, you're not even talking about a deployment; he's starting his career. With the job market as it is there are a lot of civilians who have to move without their SO or spouse to start their careers as well.