Scheduling, Sailing, and Cakes-OH CRAP! XP

SailorsAngel715

I have dropped down the metaphorical rabbit hole and into my worst wedding nightmare. I have to schedule, reschedule, and RESCHEDULE again to fit around the three month windows when my fiance will actually be able to show up! XP that includes changing out colors to match the different seasons, and picking out everything by sending emails and pictures over our cell phones. I wont be able to pick out ANYTHING for certain until the last minute. I know he means well, but when he says: "Its Your day honey, pick what YOU like" it makes me feel like I'm alone moreso than i really am. Some words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

catemeg

First, make sure you have a military clause in all your venue contracts so you won't suffer financially for having to reschedule everything.

Second, talk to him!  Calmly, don't whine.  Talk to him about how much you want to marry him and are looking forward to being his wife.  Then tell him how see your wedding as a day to celebrate the marriage, not a day for just you.  Let him know that you understand he doesn't want to focus on all the details, but if he could be involved in a few of the decisions that would make it more about "us" and less about just "me".  Let him know that you will feel something is lacking if it's just all your decisions, that it celebrates both of you so that it should include both of your likes.  Have him be involved in the topics that would likely be of more interest to him - menu, readings for the ceremony, etc. can all be something that he can have some serious input on.

Then take a deep breath.  It's not just military guys who check out of the wedding planning process.  If you're not enjoying it, enlist some help!  Call up your Mom or his Mom, depending on your relationship with them. Call up a sister or a close friend.  Even a grandmother!  Let them know that you're feeling like you have to plan everything alone and would love some support.  If it's someone from his side of the family, they can help direct you towards elements that he'd like.  If it's in your budget, hire a wedding planner to help with the details to take some stress off of you.

calindi

Ugh, I posted on my old screen name which is banned, so it says 2 posts but only shows the original.  Sorry!

Okay, what I basically said is three-fold:

First, make sure you have military clauses with all your vendors if you don't already.  The military is known for yanking dates around, even at the last minute, so it's best to have it set so you won't lose money at least if you have to switch things around.

Second, it sounds like he's deployed currently, no?  He's got lots of things to worry about right now, so I do understand that colors and favors aren't on the top of his list.  And even many guys who aren't deployed or aren't in the military would be confused why changing the dates would mean changing the colors - I know my guy would just look at me with an eyebrow raised and say, "Well, can't we do everything the same but on a different day?"  So give him a bit of a break on that one and don't try to involve him in every single decision if he's not interested.  But for a few things, I know it's important to have him involved so that it is "our wedding" rather than "my wedding".  Perhaps ask him what elements he'd like to be involved in, as you know he's really busy.  The menu?  The cake flavors? The favors?  Ask him if there is any one particular element or image that he's got an interest in (i.e. really wants to get married in a church, likes chocolate cake only, etc.).  Perhaps give him a job to do on his own time, like selecting a reading for the ceremony or writing his vows.  That way, you know he's personally involved in at least the important stuff - the rest is just a party anyway!

Third, it sounds like you need some support.  Call your Mom, Grandma, sister, or a close friend!  Call his Mom or sister or friend!  Let them know that you're feeling rather overwhelmed by planning it without him and would love some help.  Especially if it's someone from his side of the family, they can probably give some insight on what he likes and doesn't like.  If it's in your budget, hire a wedding planner so the rescheduling isn't as overwhelming.

mysticl

Personally I wouldn't keep changing stuff based on when the wedding might be.  You are going to make yourself crazy doing that.  I picked my colors based on my favorite colors, not the time of year I'm getting married.  I showed them to FI and he said he liked them.  For the most part my FI just wanted veto power over stuff, like if he hated the colors or the invites, etc.  I would pick stuff, show him and he would let me know if he liked it.  I started looking at venues during one of the times he was away.  Then when he came home we looked at the "short list".  In the end we decided to get married on base.  He cared about the cake tasting because for the most part he doesn't like cake so he wanted to make sure it was something he would want to eat.  He is so adament about not seeing what I'm wearing that he doesn't even want to see the slip (yes, I teased him about that).  Put together a plan for your wedding (with as many military clauses as possible) and have it ready to go for whenever it is that he says he can be there. 

SailorsAngel715

Thanks so much you gals. My sailor boy isnt deployed yet. He's in Powerschool  (400 miles away XP) However, over the past few days we talked and settled on a date when we know (or strongly hope) he will be home. During his leave for Christmas. If that doesnt work, we've decided to just elope and throw our families an apology reception after a few months so they dont kill us. Honestly, we're liking that idea more and more as we go. Less work, and our feuding(for that is what they are) families wont be near each other. Which will save money on us having to pay for bouncers. Hahaha!  JK.

SailorsAngel715

Yes! He is in Charleston! What is your Sailor going for up there? My future hubby is an MM. I feel your pain on the traveling expenses... Just imagine having to DRIVE all the way... Trapped in a car for hours with your future-in-laws. It was a miracle i survived. Haha! Hey, maybe our guys know each other! That would be reaallly sci-fi wierd... But awesome!

SailorsAngel715

*sigh* PM me, kays?

calindi

Guys, let me remind you about PERSEC - please don't use full names, rank, specific locations on a PUBLIC BOARD!

Edit or delete your posts, please, and read up on OPSEC and PERSEC.  Take this conversation to a more private forum, like Private Message where you can exchange email addresses or Facebook information (don't put anything that can tie to you personally on here).

SailorsAngel715

OMG!!!! I talked to My FI and i know who you are!!!! XD YAY! They ARE friends!!!