Church Question

tyleet87

I don't really know how to go about this and I'm feeling really guilty as time goes by.
I'm Catholic and originally I was planning to have my ceremony in my Church and and reception elsewhere. When I met with my priest I found out how much rules and regulations they had and I was completely turned off! I knew I could not have the wedding/ceremony of my dreams if I were to have it in this parish.

They said:
No strapless dress (So the dress I had already bought was out).
Only 2 photographers (No one else, not even guests, were allowed to film or take pictures.) One had to be completely stationary, the other could move around during certain times, which I kind of understand.
1 videographer who had to be behind the cantor (So I'm assuming would only get excellent coverage of FI's back.)
We HAD to have at least 2 musicians from the parish. (At $400 each or something ridiculous)
The 'donation' was $1,500 for everything.

There might have been more but this was back in June so I most likely forgot.

It was not the ceremony I want at all so I decided to have my ceremony at the same place my reception was. It's absolutely beautiful and they have no restrictions on anything!

I then planned on having a 'blessing' done at my parish when FI gets back from MP school in November or December so that our marriage would be acknowledged by the Catholic Church.

So now that it is all said and done, how do I go back to my parish and tell them this is what I want to do because I wanted my wedding day MY way. I don't want to sound like a horrible person for wanting this and I'm afraid they'll tell me no or something.
What would you recommend?

tyleet87

Oh also, they would not allow photography in the Church after the ceremony...

CAB1217

How bad would it be if you went with "I can't afford the donation/musicians"?

Zimsgirl26

You could say due to the amount you've already put into your wedding you can't afford to abide by their regulations

Zimsgirl26

Haha Cab we're on the same page

Irishcurls

It's called a convalidation, and is done differently in different parishes. Your best bet is to called the church and ask them about their requirements. More conservative churches don't necessarily allow them in all circumstances; it's not actually intended to just "validate' your marriage because you didn't want to get married in a church. But like I said, different parishes have different requirements. It's usually only the two of you, with witnesses, sometimes performed during a regular Mass. 

AmandaSC1988

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_church-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:cb3ac2d5-3b9c-4f24-af50-1b219439e786Post:100a6e08-04b8-4b80-b267-e72f7f159804">Re: Church Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Church Question : Oh yeah, I didn't mention I find none of the church requirements outlandish. 
Posted by Irishcurls[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree, they sounds pretty standard for a Catholic Wedding.</div><div>
</div><div>The deal with the photographers (at least how our priest explained it)...Your wedding in the eyes of the Church is a sacrament not a show... they and they don't want photographers getting in the way of the sacredness of the wedding. And with the "No other photographers..." I had to sign that in my photographer contract that there were not to be any other photographers (ie family) taking pictures during the wedding because their flash can throw off the professional photographer's pictures. I do think it is a little weird that you can't take pictures AFTER. Is there a mass directly after?</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>But just tell them that you can't afford to rent the church at that price.... you still want to have it convalidated. Be warned that they may deny you that. The fact that you don't want to get married in the church because of their rules may cause the Priest to doubt your true intent. Good luck!</div><div>
</div>

tyleet87

I thought it was weird too gg. I was thinking "Is this a new thing!?" He explained because of time restrictions (there might be something else afterwards) that there would not be allotted time for pictures after the ceremony.

I'm not saying I find them outlandish, but I just wanted MY wedding day to be MY way. I hate the way that sounds but it's true.

I'm all up for having a small ceremony (no mass, no musicians) in the Church. I'm up for anything really but this will all be after the fact, I will already be legally married. It's important to me to have it recognized by my faith. I just want to figure out a way to get that point across without having to explain the reason why I did it this way was because I'm a b*tch and didn't agree with their stipulations.

But the 'I just couldn't afford it this way' works. Thanks girls.

kara811

I.feel like if money really was an issue, the church might work with you. Or you can find another church that didn't have as many rules. These rules btw are standard. Like you explained, you can't take pictures.after due to.time constraints. Frankly, it would be kinda rude to ask for a convalidation there when they know why you turned down having the wedding there in the first place. That's just IMHO.

tyleet87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_church-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:cb3ac2d5-3b9c-4f24-af50-1b219439e786Post:8a625d62-8739-4ea6-b4dc-281b82f0a2c0">Re: Church Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Church Question :But just tell them that you can't afford to rent the church at that price.... you still want to have it convalidated. Be warned that they may deny you that. The fact that you don't want to get married in the church because of their rules may cause the Priest to doubt your true intent. Good luck!
Posted by AmandaSC1988[/QUOTE]


That's what I'm scared of. The main concern I expressed with the priest was that it was a little too much monitarly for me to have. He said that he didn't need to get paid if it helped. (He was so nice about it) But I still told him to go ahead and cancel our date. I just hope that it will work out. :)

tyleet87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_church-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:cb3ac2d5-3b9c-4f24-af50-1b219439e786Post:aefd6a1c-ed9a-4f67-bc8d-4153e8fe87fc">Re: Church Question</a>:
[QUOTE] I.feel like if money really was an issue, the church might work with you. Or you can find another church that didn't have as many rules. These rules btw are standard. Like you explained, you can't take pictures.after due to.time constraints. Frankly, it would be kinda rude to ask for a convalidation there when they know why you turned down having the wedding there in the first place. That's just IMHO.
Posted by kara811[/QUOTE]

I get what you're saying. Money was an issue when I spoke to him but I think I remember mentioning in a way that I didn't completely agree with some of their rules.
Perhaps I won't have the convalidation there then. I can always try the parish my mom is registered at.

AmandaSC1988

I just wanted to share some of the crazy rules for my church: 

First about throwing stuff:

The surfaces outside the church building are prone to become dangerous when rice, confetti, bird seed, or bubbles are used. For Safety's Sake, the uses of these items in or around the Cathedral is not permitted. No Balloons are permitted inside or on the grounds of the Cathedral.

No bubbles? FFS! Didn't say anything about sparkliers... I guess they don't care if we burn down the church...eh?

Second about music:

*Should you desire to use a singer that is not on the cathedral staff the following guidelines must be strictly followed:

1. A Right of First Refusal Fee of $50.00 must be paid before any other singer will be approved.

2. The proposed singer must submit a current and complete recording of him or her singing the selections to be used in the wedding. This recording must reach the Cathedral Organist and Music Director no later that two weeks prior to the wedding. He will review the recording and decide if the singer is qualified to sing at your wedding. If for some reason the singer is not approved a Cathedral Staff Singer will be assigned.

tyleet87

Omg. No way. There's no way. I could not even enjoy myself.

You are strong to be able to continue with all of that.

ggirl2001

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_church-question?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:cb3ac2d5-3b9c-4f24-af50-1b219439e786Post:aefd6a1c-ed9a-4f67-bc8d-4153e8fe87fc">Re: Church Question</a>:
[QUOTE]I.feel like if money really was an issue, the church might work with you. Or you can find another church that didn't have as many rules. These rules btw are standard. Like you explained, you can't take pictures.after due to.time constraints.

Frankly, it would be kinda rude to ask for a convalidation there when they know why you turned down having the wedding there in the first place. That's just IMHO.
Posted by kara811[/QUOTE]



With the restriction of time though all the catholic churches I have been to and have been to weddings at have always scheduled functions so pictures can happen. For example, my brothers wedding was at 12, next wedding was 2. That left us with a about 30 to 45 minutes for pictures after. Im surprised the church wouldn't work something out.

CAB1217

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