Its been a minute since I've peeked in, but a lot of things have been going on. I am actually on leave as of today, and I will be headed to SC to see my boyfriend to get some quality time in before he heads to ranger school.
I remember the first time I came in here, and I was all worried about how I was going to actually plan a wedding being in PA school and he being 1200 miles away. Now, engagement and a wedding is no longer on my mind. Im afraid we have much bigger problems.
So I was talking to him the other day and he was telling me as soon as he got off the trail (Drill Sergeant) he was going to get custody of his kids (3 KIDS... 1 girl thats 10, the two boys 5 and 7). I got very nervous. I always envisioned us being able to have some "us" time before we brought his kids in full time. And I understand his kids with him is absolutely the best option so I have no objections about that. Its just moving into "parenthood" entirely too fast.
Im about to be 30 next month and my only kids are four-legged. Ive been that way because there are a lot of things that I want to do before I settle down and have kids; mainly have my careeer in check and enjoy some things I never had. And thats not to say that I am not willing to compromise them for the sake of his children. I am sure his kids are awesome and I know that I will love them like they are truly mine... but right now I have no bond with them and he is already talking about me being with the kids to watch over them while he's gone.
You see, my BF is a 31B (MP) and promotions to E7 have been stiff. So now he is going to ranger school to get is tab, and now Delta Force wants a piece of him. So Im seeing myself having no time to bond with his kids, let alone HIM before he is gone on all these crazy missions. We've been together ten months now; nine of which have been long distance.... and to think the moment we are together he's gone and I have his kids to watch over. The thought is overwhelming. I dont know how to talk to him and express my needs because he keeps telling me that things will be okay and that his kids are great... but I know me better than anybody else and I know that before I take on soemthing like this there are some things that I need... and i know that if I dont get them I wont be happy....
So tomorrow I get on the plane and I plan on laying out all my cards and hopefully will help him understand where I am coming from. Because I honestly dont think he is understanding what he is asking of me... Hopefully I won't come back single.