Military Brides

Hey Ladies (LONG)

Its been a minute since I've peeked in, but a lot of things have been going on.  I am actually on leave as of today, and I will be headed to SC to see my boyfriend to get some quality time in before he heads to ranger school.

I remember the first time I came in here, and I was all worried about how I was going to actually plan a wedding being in PA school and he being 1200 miles away.  Now, engagement and a wedding is no longer on my mind.  Im afraid we have much bigger problems.

So I was talking to him the other day and he was telling me as soon as he got off the trail (Drill Sergeant) he was going to get custody of his kids (3 KIDS... 1 girl thats 10, the two boys 5 and 7).  I got very nervous.  I always envisioned us being able to have some "us" time before we brought his kids in full time.  And I understand his kids with him is absolutely the best option so I have no objections about that.  Its just moving into "parenthood" entirely too fast.

Im about to be 30 next month and my only kids are four-legged.   Ive been that way because there are a lot of things that I want to do before I settle down and have kids; mainly have my careeer in check and enjoy some things I never had.  And thats not to say that I am not willing to compromise them for the sake of his children.  I am sure his kids are awesome and I know that I will love them like they are truly mine... but right now I have no bond with them and he is already talking about me being with the kids to watch over them while he's gone.

You see, my BF is a 31B (MP) and promotions to E7 have been stiff.  So now he is going to ranger school to get is tab, and now Delta Force wants a piece of him.  So Im seeing myself having no time to bond with his kids, let alone HIM before he is gone on all these crazy missions.  We've been together ten months now; nine of which have been long distance.... and to think the moment we are together he's gone and I have his kids to watch over.  The thought is overwhelming.  I dont know how to talk to him and express my needs because he keeps telling me that things will be okay and that his kids are great... but I know me better than anybody else and I know that before I take on soemthing like this there are some things that I need... and i know that if I dont get them I wont be happy....

So tomorrow I get on the plane and I plan on laying out all my cards and hopefully will help him understand where I am coming from.  Because I honestly dont think he is understanding what he is asking of me... Hopefully I won't come back single.

Re: Hey Ladies (LONG)

  • LetsHikeTodayLetsHikeToday member
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I hope your visit goes the way that makes you happy.

    If he is getting custody of his kids and you stay with him then you're going to have to be part of that. There is no option. I don't think it's right for him to assume that you will be there caregiver when he is gone; however, he has to put his kids first.

    If you are serious about not wanting to be with him if his kids are always around then you need to tell him that. It won't be fair to the kids if you don't.
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  • iluvmytxrgriluvmytxrgr member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011

    You really do need to talk to him.  It sounds to me like he is looking for a mamma for his kids, not a wife. 
    I can't believe he got a slot for Ranger School.  Those are not easy to come by, especially for 31B (my MOS).  GL to him.  And GL to you on your talk.  Stand your ground. 

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  • Beachy730Beachy730 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    You definitely need to lay everything out to him and see where it goes.

    Not to judge your relationship at all, but if you've only been with him for 10 months, and 9 of those months have been long distance, I would hold off on a wedding for a bit.  You definitely need that time together first to see how you are a couple, because it is a big transition to go from LDR to living together and married.  You definitely need some time together just the two of you before adding his kids into the mix.  I honestly know nothing about your relationship other than what you post, but between the length of your relationship, the possibly of you instantly becoming the sole caregiver of 3 kids that you just met, and the stresses of military life in general, it kind of sounds like a recipe for disaster.

    Where do his kids live now?  Can you ask that you and him get the kids for a few weekends, or even a week at a time depending on how far they are.  Not only do you and your FI need some bonding time, you need to slowly build a relationship with the kids as well.  Not only does he need to respect your wishes, but he needs to think of what's best for the kids as well.  If he can't respect your wishes and feelings on this, then I would seriously rethink my decision to marry him anyways.
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  • lyonstmlyonstm member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Beach-- THe kids are currently staying with his mother for a year.  His ex-wife is currently in "college" and says that she will have no environment to provide for the kids.  So the agreement with them so far is that he is going to take the kids.

    I just want to make sure that Im clear-- I WANT to be part of his life and the kids life.  I truly do.  I really want to be able to give them what they need based on what Ive seen their mother do.  But I feel like things that should be done beforehand is not going to get accomplished and its going to be a bad bad experience.

    As far as the wedding... trust me, I had a VERY LONG engagement in mind. LOL

    I just know that a) I need time to prepare myself mentally for parenthood... to include counseling. Im going to be honest I spent 20 years of my life abused and I am afraid of become an abuser.   Thats a reason why I have none.
    b) I would want some time for us to be "us". 
    c) I would want my intergration in their lives to be gradual.  I can't imagine what it would be like to have a stranger come in their lives and be expected to respect them off jump
    d) would want to estalish a relationship with their mother.

    Im sure there are other blocks that need to be checked, but I just feel like how he is seeing things is entirely too accelerated for me.
  • calindicalindi member
    5000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Being an abuser is always a choice. Get in counseling now, and be honest with your boyfriend.

    image

    Anniversary

  • lyonstmlyonstm member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_hey-ladies-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:cccd5381-3c43-435f-9bea-bb9970b4a635Post:1484a36e-f281-423a-9f6c-25ca751a889b">Re: Hey Ladies (LONG)</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>Being an abuser is always a choice</strong>. Get in counseling now, and be honest with your boyfriend.
    Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]


    Totally agree with you on that... but still there's that fear and concern I need to work through, amongnst other things.  He knows what I've been through....
  • LetsHikeTodayLetsHikeToday member
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Honestly though, they are children. It's not like he can tell his kids to wait for you to be ready.

    I know you can't just become ready with a snap of the fingers though either.

    This is a tough situation. Lay everything out for him. Go to counseling together and see what he/the counselor says.
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  • Beachy730Beachy730 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I definitely think you need to express all of those concerns to him and what you feel you need to make this relationship with his kids and with him work.  It's not even a question of whether or not you want to be with him.  Adding a baby to a new marriage is difficult, but adding 3 children whom you've never even met is much more challenging.  I don't think it's at all asking too much to slowly build up a relationship with them, while also working on your own relationship with your FI.  Especially with him leaving so soon for Ranger school, there are huge risks to your relationship with him and the kids.

    Good luck with your talk with him.  I think it's great that you're already talking about counseling for this, and I think you should also look into couples counseling as well so you have a third party helping to sort through and convey the feeling you each have.  

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  • lyonstmlyonstm member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thanks ladies for your advide! As always you all are great to me.
  • LetsHikeTodayLetsHikeToday member
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Good luck and let us know how it goes.
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  • calindicalindi member
    5000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I know this isn't your ideal situation, but when you date someone with children, those kids are always part of the relationship whether they are physically present or not. It's okay that you aren't ready for this big change and huge responsibility, but I think you could be if you wanted to be. It is totally understandable that you are scared, but only you can decide if you can handle this. Because you can't have him without his kids. And kids are usually very adaptable. You would likely be surprised how quickly they would adapt, especially if you take advantage of a combination of individual, couples, and family therapy.

    image

    Anniversary

  • lyonstmlyonstm member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_hey-ladies-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:cccd5381-3c43-435f-9bea-bb9970b4a635Post:2d4ac40d-1a36-4f7c-9431-2b29f6a48c6a">Re: Hey Ladies (LONG)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know this isn't your ideal situation, but when you date someone with children, those kids are always part of the relationship whether they are physically present or not. It's okay that you aren't ready for this big change and huge responsibility, but I think you could be if you wanted to be. It is totally understandable that you are scared, but only you can decide if you can handle this. Because you can't have him without his kids. And kids are usually very adaptable. You would likely be surprised how quickly they would adapt, especially<u><strong> if you take advantage of a combination of individual, couples, and family therapy.</strong></u>
    Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

    I am a firm beliver in therapy and counseling.  And from what he says, he is too... So I hope things truly do work out for the better.
  • edited December 2011
    Just a thought that hasn't been mentioned here... But do you think any of the kids feel unwanted here? Mom doesn't want them because she needs to do "college", dad has a job that consumes a lot of his time, and soon-to-be-stepmom isn't quite ready... You'd be surprised how perceptive a 10 year old might be. If you do end up taking on this responsibility, try to be mindful of how they feel.. I'm sure it's not a happy situation for anyone, but I'm sure you can make the most of it.
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