am i being unreasonable for feeling this way?

rangergirl18

background info:  we will be pcs'ing overseas in october.  we are getting married soon in a small outdoor ceremony with just immediate family and a few close friends.  originally we had planned to go to the courthouse but decided to do this so that our families could be there.  afterwards we have a private room at a really nice restarurant for dinner and drinks with people who are coming.  his family is from about 4 hours away from where i live (where we are having the wedding) so they will be in town for the weekend for the wedding.

ok ladies. help me out.  tell me if i am being unreasonable about all this.  im getting more and more upset over all this wedding stuff the more his family gets involved.  my mom finally talked to his mom on the phone last night and im sure she didnt mean it this way but his mom kept offering to pay for things and dropping hints about money and other things.  my mom was like no thats ok we've got it covered.  its going to be small anyway but really nice.  and basically his mom was like ok well i guess we can help them with their wedding next year and kind of made it sound like they arent considering this a "real" wedding because its not some big huge expensive monstrosity and that our "real wedding" will be next year.  first of all to me married is married regardless of how much you spend on it and how many people you have there.  i get so upset everytime this whole "wedding" next year comes up and now for his parents to be subtly dropping hints that we arent spending enough money on it or having everyone we know is really upsetting.  his older brother was married a few years back and they spent $35k on their wedding.  they however we older, non military, no student loans and each owned houses.  they were much better off financially then we war.  plus, they had time to plan a wedding (they invited 400 people - mostly people their mom wanted invited - and only about 200 came).  it sounds like because we are not having the same type of wedding his mom isnt considering it a real wedding even though we are def signing a marriage license etc.  it sounds like she and some other people are under the impression that we are going to have a big "real wedding" next year which apparently i am supposed to plan (from overseas) and somehow pay for (my parens are paying for what we are doing now which is generous enough so they will not be paying for anything else).  im just really upset by the fact that becasue we are not doing what she thinks a wedding should be that they are pretending that its not "real."  am i wrong for feeling this way?

and another thing that really upsets me about this is that his family has decided that they want to stay wherever we are staying for our wedding night.  first they just wanted to stay at the same hotel.  then i get a call from my fsil telling me that his mom wants to book everyone in the same block of rooms so we can all be right next to one another that night. fsil tried to get us on a different floor or something but was ignored and fmil called my fi and asked him.  of course he is not going to say no to his mom so now we are stuck spending our wedding night with his parents, sister, aunts etc on wall away.  im super upset by the fact that they arent giving us any space on our wedding night much less dont seem to see any problem with being all over us all night.  

how am a i supposed to react to this?  i dont want to start off on the wrong foot but all this has got me very distressed. 

calindi

Amen that your wedding is your wedding is your wedding!!! Okay, first - get on the same page with your FI. Does he want a big vow renewal "wedding" next year? If not, then you simply don't have one. If he does and you can be persuaded, then let your in laws host however they want. Second - assuming you don't want a big "wedding", tell your FMIL that you really appreciate her generous offer, but you both only want one wedding day. If she'd like, she's welcome to throw a party to celebrate with friends back home. Then let her throw a party if she wants to so bad. Third - your FI can and should be able to say no to his Mom. Have him tell her that it's really sweet that she wants to spend so much time with you both, but that you'd like some privacy on your wedding night and so you will be staying on a different floor. Call the hotel directly and make this clear to them, too.

shayNnik

First of all, take a deep breath. The key here is going to be communication. You to your FI, you and FI to his family, etc. I think they may not feel as though they are intruding on your wedding night since they don't see it as your real wedding.

Since that seems to be the root of the problems, you should try to address that one first. How well do you know FMIL? How about getting you, FI and her all on the phone to discuss wedding details. That way you could make her feel included by having her 'in the know' of what's going on. Maybe mention somewhere in there the phrase that tends to come out of nearly every bride's mouth: "This is the only wedding we're ever going to have, we want to make sure everything is perfect and that it truly reflects US as a couple!' Bringing things up casually at first tends to help soften them up so to speak so that they my not be so defensive when you tell them they're incorrect about something.

My last suggestion is that since they want to pay for something or seem to offer so generously, maybe the next time your mother and FMIL talk, your mom could suggest how they could help out-by paying for you and FI a nice honeymoon suite somewhere that the two of you could spend your first night married by yourselves. 

HTH, and good luck!

Beachy730

1.  If you and your FI agree that this is how you want your wedding to be, and that it's the only wedding you want, then that should be the end of it.  Either you or your FI need to flat out tell your FMIL that there will not be a "wedding" next year, and this is the wedding you both want, and the only one you're having.  If she doesn't like it then she is more than welcome to not attend.

2. Call the hotel that you are staying at and tell them you want a room on a different floor, regardless of what anyone else who calls says.  It is your wedding, and if you want to be on a different floor you are completely entitled to that.  If they won't accommodate that, cancel your room and stay at a different hotel, and don't tell anyone in the family.  It is none of their business where you stay.  And if your FI can't put his foot down to his mom on this, tell him you refuse to have sex with his family in the next room, so if he wants wedding night/next morning sex then he needs to do something about it.  

3. Your FI needs to grow a backbone with his mom as soon as yesterday.

ETA: And you're definitely not being unreasonable.  Your FMIL is being overbearing and controlling.

kara811

Everything Beach said, and LOL to the no sex thing. To answer your question, no you are not being unreasonable for feeling this way. I would feel the same. Your MIL needs to back off. You and your FI should sit down and talk this out and get on the same page like everyone said. And as for the room situation, I wouldn't even stay at that same hotel, just book somewhere else! 

calindi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_am-being-unreasonable-feeling-this-way?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:d4431581-f4bd-4108-92e1-038fc32f8b5bPost:e1726303-0fe8-4954-b686-22473d4a38e3">Re: am i being unreasonable for feeling this way?</a>:
[QUOTE] 3. Your FI needs to grow a backbone with his mom as soon as yesterday.
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

This is awesome.  And true.

SamiJoeB

Ditto everything everyone else said..

LetsHikeToday

I agree with everyone! Like beach said, call the hotel yourself. We told our hotel we wanted to be away from everyone and not have them give people our room number. They listened. It sounds weird but we had 20 rooms blocked and I didn't want people to bother us after the wedding.

mob2689

Double ditto what all was stated and will add a few things.

October is right around the corner, the way they are acting I am guessing your FI is the only one in the militray that is close in the family? The reason I ask this is because my parents were the same way, and yes FI needs to grow a backbone as soon if not sooner than what Beach stated. I never stood up to my parents when it came time for leave and it did cause a HUGE strain to where I dreaded going home to visit.

Secondly, with you going overseas, I am guessing they want to spend evrey minute with you guys since they won't have many oppertunities once you leave.Thus the reason to be so close. I personally am struggling with that as a parent, BUT I know how my parents were and it's a battle inside me NOT to feel so "overbearing" per say. I am trying to be thankful that I do get to see them before they leave and am just going with that. Do I want them to go? Heck no! What parent wants that? Do I want to be clingy, you bettcha! But I know I can't I have been there and done that and didn;t like it. If you haven't expereinced both sides you have no clue of the feeling that a military wife or solder feels nor as a parent having a child in or married to someone in the military.

As for the money issue: Same as above. We don;t see my daughter much but Mr. Wonderful's kids we see alot of and we "treat" them to things pretty much on a weekly basis. We don't get that oppertunity with my daughter, so we do go overboard with her when she comes home. The others get jelouse but fail to realize that we "help" or "treat" on a weekly basis and if we add that money up it pretty much equals out but with my daughter it's nicer things and places since it's just a short visit. 

So maybe in your FIL situation they sorta feel the same. Maybe suggest that if they want to help out, and since you are going over seas that the money they would like to put towards the wedding would be more helpful in these areas like put it towards your deposits over seas and maybe a month or 2 of rent so you guys get back on your feet quicker, or say there are electrical things you would like but since the elc. is different over there that you would buy those things with the money. I know it's rude to request money but if they insist then I see nothing wrong with asking them to put it to diferent things other than the wedding in a case like this one.

If you are having a big VR and want one then yes they can put it towrds that, if you don;t go with suggestions above.

HTH

iluvmytxrgr

1.  You call the hotel and tell them you want a room on the opposite side of the hotel and on a different floor from the rest of the family.  If that will be an issue, go stay somewhere else.
2. Inform your MIL that this is your wedding.  You are not sure where she got the idea that this was not the "real" thing or that there would be another wedding, but she is incorrect.  This is it. 
3. Please do not take this badly, but you need to tell your FI to put his big boy pants on and stand up to his mom. 

rangergirl18

thanks for the input so far ladies.  its much appreciated.

i am trying to be as sympthetic to the FILs as possible, but the whole space thing didn't just start with the news of moving overseas.  it has been that way our entire relationship but ive been able to brush it off or it hasnt been as bad, but seriously, my wedding night?  even my parents are kind of aghast by this whole idea.  i guess my biggest issue with the whole thing is that i come from a very different family.  my fam is very relaxed, laid back and  easy going.  sure my parents are nervous about me leaving and not being able to see me that frequently, but its a whole different coping thing, so im just not used to people being up in my face at all times.  and im fully aware that this is a compromise that comes with marriage.

and to a point my FI does stand up to his mother about things. the real problem is that she is just used to things being her way and if she doesnt like what she hears she just ignores it and does what she wants anyway.  or (and ive witnessed this first hand) she will let you do what you want but then guilt the heck out of you for doing that. like the whole wedding next year... FI and i were both on board with the small family thing we have planned.  then after we had told people that was our plan, the talk of the "real wedding" started coming up.  i think she has been leaning on him and making him feel bad that we arent inviting the whole world so that he will want to have the big celebration. 

im not sure how im going to handle the hotel thing.  i think i may talk to my FI first and tell him how i feel about it and give him a chance to respond before i make any changes.  like i said, the last thing i really want to do is cause a huge rift and start things off on bad note.

but i def appreciate the support and opinions.  its helpful to know that im at least slightly justified in feeling the way i do.

YoungDuo

Ditto everything. You are definitely NOToverreacting. Your wedding should be the way you and FI want not, FMIL. She had her wedding day already. I understand she wants to spend as much time with FI as she can..but honestly, it's creepy that she and his entire family want to be that close to you on the night you will be consummating your marriage. Definitely call the hotel and get that fixed! I hope everything works out, keep us posted!

mob2689

My folks were in our face all the time through out the whole military experience and made me feel guilty because I wanted to stay at the IL house while on leave. I was more comfortable there!

Husband could sleep all he wanted and there were no expectations of chores at the IL house. One time staying at my folks, my mom had the nerve to ask me in a condescending manner, "Does he sleep late like this ALL the time?!"  "doesn't he help out? dad has wood to chop before winter that he was HOPING E would do while you guys were here" It was ridiculous to say the least.

calindi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_am-being-unreasonable-feeling-this-way?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:d4431581-f4bd-4108-92e1-038fc32f8b5bPost:818a3976-a4f5-4328-8077-5cc7b0839f34">Re: am i being unreasonable for feeling this way?</a>:
[QUOTE]thanks for the input so far ladies.  its much appreciated. i am trying to be as sympthetic to the FILs as possible, but the whole space thing didn't just start with the news of moving overseas.  it has been that way our entire relationship but ive been able to brush it off or it hasnt been as bad, but seriously, my wedding night?  even my parents are kind of aghast by this whole idea.  i guess my biggest issue with the whole thing is that i come from a very different family.  my fam is very relaxed, laid back and  easy going.  sure my parents are nervous about me leaving and not being able to see me that frequently, but its a whole different coping thing, so im just not used to people being up in my face at all times.  and im fully aware that this is a compromise that comes with marriage. and to a point my FI does stand up to his mother about things. the real problem is that she is just used to things being her way and if she doesnt like what she hears she just ignores it and does what she wants anyway.  or (and ive witnessed this first hand) she will let you do what you want but then guilt the heck out of you for doing that. like the whole wedding next year... FI and i were both on board with the small family thing we have planned.  then after we had told people that was our plan, the talk of the "real wedding" started coming up.  i think she has been leaning on him and making him feel bad that we arent inviting the whole world so that he will want to have the big celebration.  im not sure how im going to handle the hotel thing.  i think i may talk to my FI first and tell him how i feel about it and give him a chance to respond before i make any changes.  like i said, the last thing i really want to do is cause a huge rift and start things off on bad note. but i def appreciate the support and opinions.  its helpful to know that im at least slightly justified in feeling the way i do.
Posted by rangergirl18[/QUOTE]

Now I see you rationalizing, and it makes me worried for you.  You are more than 'slightly' justified - you are totally justified.  I do understand wanting to keep the peace, but you guys have to be able to set boundaries.   

FI and I are a bit reversed, though also a bit different - I'm very close with my family and we talk on the phone every day, while FI wouldn't call his parents if I didn't remind him every other week or so that they'd appreciate a phone call.  My parents are a great resource for me and I often ask their opinion, so they often feel comfortable giving unsolicited advice because I usually do ask for it.  My FI had to adjust a bit since he's not used to such a close relationship, and at times I'm sure it was probably frustrating for him when my parents would butt in.  However, I learned very quickly that I had to put FI first, which meant being direct but polite with my parents.  Like today they were offering budgetary advice on how FI should manage his law school loans - I told them politely that that was our responsibility and quite honestly they were crossing a line.  They immediately stepped back and apologized, and we both brushed it off and moved on.  But if I don't stand up to my family, it becomes very hard for FI to do it himself.  Meaning your FI should be the one intermediating with his family, you should be the mediator with yours whenever something comes up, and he has to feel comfortable putting you and your mutual needs and wants as a new family unit first.  And if his Mom doesn't like it, then too bad.  Guilt trips work on those who let them, others just refuse to acknowledge juvenile tactics like that and thus either ignore it or address it directly.

Anytime she mentions a "real wedding", your FI should tell her that he feels hurt that she doesn't view your wedding day as your real wedding, since it's the only wedding that means anything to the two of you.  She's probably well meaning but a bull in a china shop - like you said, used to getting her own way.  What's one way to get her un-used to that?  Stop letting her have her own way all the time.  And that does have to come from your FI or else you might be villanized.

LetsHikeToday

I think it's very important to have a conversation about this with your FI. If you don't then she will continue to do things like this the rest of your married life.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people excuse bad behavior because "it's just how she is". That shouldn't matter.

If you don't talk about it and change the behavior, it'll get worse when you have kids.

mob2689

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_am-being-unreasonable-feeling-this-way?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:d4431581-f4bd-4108-92e1-038fc32f8b5bPost:cdbee0d3-e967-4a1b-947f-bf26a8e2ee1d">Re: am i being unreasonable for feeling this way?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it's very important to have a conversation about this with your FI. If you don't then she will continue to do things like this the rest of your married life.Posted by LetsHikeToday[/QUOTE]

<strong> SO</strong> true!