Cheating

EmilyW416

So I am not a military bride however...
I went to a party this past weekend and this chicks hubby was in Afgan and she was all over this other dude. All cozzy on his lap and they kissed many times. They also disapeared for like 20 mins at least together. Doing who knows what. Then they tried to sneak off again to my friends room and a fight broke out. So my question is should I tell her hubby whats going on?

kara811

Are you close friends with this woman's husband? This is such a sticky situation, but if I were very good and close friends with the husband, I would try to warn him about it, but if not, I don't think I'd want to get myself involved in someone else's marital problems. I HATE women who cheat on their husbands while deployed and vice verse. A very good friend of my H's was also cheated on. He divorced her when everything came out. 

kyrgyzstan

I'm on team tell someone who is close to him in as non gossipy a way as possible. He should at least know so he can change his financial situation to some extent if he so chooses (he has to leave her BAH).

Sammy0709

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_cheating?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:dd4da6f8-19b6-43ed-88ca-975d6e79060cPost:19a0fc14-66dc-4df2-9e13-b57c73befe56">Re: Cheating</a>:
[QUOTE]Are you close friends with this woman's husband? This is such a sticky situation, but if I were very good and close friends with the husband, I would try to warn him about it, but if not, I don't think I'd want to get myself involved in someone else's marital problems. I HATE women who cheat on their husbands while deployed and vice verse. A very good friend of my H's was also cheated on. He divorced her when everything came out. 
Posted by kara811[/QUOTE]

I was going to comment based on the fact that DH and I were recently in OP's position but this is exactly what I would have said.  As much as I hate it and hate hearing about it, unfortuantely it seems pretty common in the military.  I'm sure it's common in the civillian world too.  It makes me sad.

firsttimersluck

ugh. This tears my heart to pieces... </3
It depends on how close you two are?
Is there anyone else that also saw this?
Are you 100% on this?
Are they DATING or married (I ask this because "hubby" is often used as a "very close boyfriend" meaning... and if they are dating they may have a little "deal" or whatever while he is away (however sad that is.. there's a chance)?

mehgank

I also think that it depends on how close you are with this couple. If they're just people you see around base and at parties, I would stay out. It wouldn't be my place to say something to him. Then it would be on you if his mind was all messed up because of what's going on at home, and then something bad happened to him over there. I'd probably wait till he got back from deployment to see what your next move should be.

And as far as getting the command involved: you have to have hard evidence (i.e. photos/video/admittance) in order to start that kind of process, otherwise, they won't touch the situation with a ten foot pole. You can't get the command involved on hear-say, even if you did see some suspicious stuff, you didn't see them having sex.

EmilyW416

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_cheating?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:dd4da6f8-19b6-43ed-88ca-975d6e79060cPost:55c0810a-ee04-4b41-b030-d370d92337c3">Re: Cheating</a>:
[QUOTE]ugh. This tears my heart to pieces... </3 It depends on how close you two are? Is there anyone else that also saw this? Are you 100% on this? Are they DATING or married (I ask this because "hubby" is often used as a "very close boyfriend" meaning... and if they are dating they may have a little "deal" or whatever while he is away (however sad that is.. there's a chance)?
Posted by firsttimersluck[/QUOTE]

Theyre married, I saw them kiss which it could be worse but...I still think its cheating.

Now shes trying to say she was drugged, which is BS she made all her own drinks and always had her drink with her

SamiJoeB

On the one hand, I feel like.. what he's doing over there is hard enough without hearing that his wife is possibly cheating, so you should probably just leave it alone.  On the other hand, I feel like if it were me over there, I'd want to know, but at the same time I wouldn't want to know. Because from over there what can he do? He could contact a JAG, probably start divorce proceedings. But who knows, maybe they have an open relationship? I've encountered several couples when I was AD, that had open relationships when it came to deployments. My H and I would NEVER do that, but I mean, hey, to each his own.  Like Kara said, how close are you to this couple? if you are like BFF's with them and you feel like it's your place, go for it. Otherwise, think about him. If he needs to think that everything is okay, to get through a deployment, then thats what he needs.  If they live on base, or very close to a base and are active in the military community, chances are someone will see, and tell their SO or whatever. Things have a way of getting back to SM, even when they are deployed.

jensenlewis

I agree with all the ladies. This is a tough situation and I have witnessed women doing this to their FIs and Hs way too often. Its horrible and its heartbreaking and my FI once had to refrain me from wanting to make some sleeze eat my fist. Ha. But, Sami has a point. Hearing about all of this when he's away is only going to make this harder on him. But, he does have a right to know. If you have enough of a relationship with this man that you feel you can tell him things and that he would trust what you're saying, I'd tell him. However, I think I'd wait til he was home. Idk... tough situation. Next time you happen to run into this girl and she's with another man, or up to something fishy... document it. It doesn't hurt. Just don't go out of your way or cross any boundaries to be inspector gadget.

greeneke2

Hmm, I say stay out of it.  Either way you'll probably get screwed somehow...and you don't really know their relationship.  I always think its best to stay out of others peoples business.  This kinda stuff can ruin friendships and who knows what else.

bltata

All the ladies are right.  It's a tough situation.  If you know the husband decently well, I MIGHT tell him, but ONLY once he's home.  He's got enough on his plate without having that sort of anger or worry on his mind while he's overseas.

kyrgyzstan

I guess I'm the odd one out, but even if he does have enough on his plate, it sure would suck to get home and have a cheater who was out spending his imminent danger and hostile fire pay. Especially if it was public knowledge.

Knowing me, I'd probably find someone who knew one of his NCOs, and tell the NCO so he could handle it. But I'm a person who doesn't mind involving NCOs in their troops' business. Not at all. 

ggirl2001

This just recently happened to me.  Even though it kind of backfired on me and the couple is still together, I still vote to talk to someone close to him to make sure they don't have an open relationship and what not, and then would tell him.

SamiJoeB

Stan has a point.  If you don't feel comfortable enough telling him, then you can contact one of his NCO's or superiors.  I wouldn't say, post it on his FB wall, but try to find out more first.

calindi

As far as getting involved, it's horribly sad but I think getting involved can only backfire. I tend not to be the messenger for fear someone shoots me instead of the guilty party, right? That said, a JAG officer can help protect his assets if he does find out. If he signed a power of attorney or has joint accounts, he may be in more trouble. JAGs can refer yo a civil attorney for divorce related stuff, but they can certainly advise on protecting assets.

katrinalisa

I would not recommend telling him now. He is away and you do not know his mental state. This is Americas longest running war and relies on an all volunteer force. 30% of deployed military will suffer from PTSD at some point. Sometimes the main drive to keep going  is knowing there is someone to come home too. Telling him now will only cause a disaster. He would have to confront her. What type of closure can one get from a long distance confrontation? He does not need to know now that his marriage is a wreck. This is a common situation and he will figure it out on his own time. If you see the  wife act inappropriately next time, remind her that her behavior is inappropriate for a married woman and to please not put you in an uncomfortable position.