What do you girls do?

tyleet87

H is away in training and there is a 2 hr difference between us right now. He can't ever talk during the day and in the evening he always seems to be out with friends or is ready to pass out. I'm really glad he is making friends because the first two weeks were really hard on him, not knowing anyone to talk to and being so far from home.

However I want to be able to talk to him for more than 20 minutes while he's waiting for soandso to get there. Yesterday I didn't even get to talk to him because he took allergy medication and crashed. I just miss him SO much and feel so lonely without him. He does try to text me throughout the day but it doesn't seem to ease what I'm feeling. I've been through basic as well as OCS with him but now that we're married I just feel like the feeling I get during this seperation is worse.

So my question is, how do you cope with the aching feeling? Last night was especially hard. I do try to keep myself busy as much as possible. I go out with friends, I'm working on a shutterfly book, I watch Netflix, I spend time with my little cousins whom I love to death, but there are periods where none of that helps. What do I do?

AmandaSC1988

I might suggest writing emails, Even if he can't reply/read right away, it is nice to tell him everything. That way you don't feel like you are missing out on telling him stuff because he crashes before he can call.  I have to admit, that when H was doing training like your H, Communication felt like it was much worse.

But in general I would lower your expectations for communication....

My communication  is less than yours, but still fairly good considering he is deployed. I never expect him to call, so a 15 minute phone call every so often is a nice surpise. I write emails without expecting anything in return... and when I get an email it is nice.

calindi

I know long distance - my FI was starting law school and I was living 1000 miles away, and he would get to speak for maybe 10-15 minutes every few days, Skype on weekends for a bit longer.  For us, it's all about staying busy.  If you're spending all your time worrying about how little you get to speak with him, how long until you see him, waiting anxiously for the next phone call... it all seems to take a lot longer, and it's a lot more stressful.  Especially if you put off doing your own things because "he might call". 

It's okay for you to go out with friends and let his call go to voicemail - just like it's okay for you to call him and have him be unable to answer because he's working.  You don't need to put your whole life on hold while you miss him.  It makes it worse.  You are allowed to be happy and have interests without him - it doesn't mean you miss him any less, but it sure makes you a lot happier.

If you go out and find your own things to do and create goals to break up the time - so before he comes back you want to ______ (insert goal here - lose 5 pounds, clean the garage, knit a scarf, etc.) - things seem to go a lot quicker when you're busy!

tyleet87

After reading your post I realize it's not so much the lack of communication. I remember a couple times where we've said all we needed/wanted to so we sat in silence for a bit. I have no problem getting information to him or from him. I just miss him and that feeling of being without him is really killing me. I need to see his face, I need to hear the cute/funny things he randomly says, I need to snuggle damn it!

When he's away I build up resentment and it makes me so mad that I'm even in this situation. I really feel like I'm not the Army wife type. I can't go through this over and over. I've told him this before and obviously we are both aware he has to serve his time. I'm pretty selfish, I don't really even like sharing H when he's home...
I just get pissed off knowing that I CAN'T see him for x amount of time. That someone is deciding this for us, keeping us apart, etc. I feel like I'm getting hysterical, like when your fingers get stuck in a chinese finger trap. I get resentful and upset that he CHOSE this knowing we were going to get married and I wasn't thrilled about it. I get upset that I HAVE to stay at my job because we both depend on it right now and I can't just run off with him. It makes me SO mad! I really really don't know what to do right now. I feel so panicky.

tyleet87

Cal,

I haven't put anything on pause during this time. I am carrying on exactly as normal. I just don't have H to include in anything. I don't get to see him. He bought a new laptop and can't install skype. I feel so nuts right now.

kara811

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_what-do-you-girls-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:e6ce4606-e35c-4036-9710-e425e95ed91ePost:e82f41b1-6aba-4dd8-a73f-5c5ed0a3216b">Re: What do you girls do?</a>:
[QUOTE]After reading your post I realize it's not so much the lack of communication. I remember a couple times where we've said all we needed/wanted to so we sat in silence for a bit. I have no problem getting information to him or from him. I just miss him and that feeling of being without him is really killing me. I need to see his face, I need to hear the cute/funny things he randomly says, I need to snuggle damn it! When he's away I build up resentment and it makes me so mad that I'm even in this situation. I really feel like I'm not the Army wife type. I can't go through this over and over. I've told him this before and obviously we are both aware he has to serve his time. I'm pretty selfish, I don't really even like sharing H when he's home... I just get pissed off knowing that I CAN'T see him for x amount of time. That someone is deciding this for us, keeping us apart, etc. I feel like I'm getting hysterical, like when your fingers get stuck in a chinese finger trap. I get resentful and upset that he CHOSE this knowing we were going to get married and I wasn't thrilled about it. I get upset that I HAVE to stay at my job because we both depend on it right now and I can't just run off with him. It makes me SO mad! I really really don't know what to do right now. I feel so panicky.
Posted by tyleet87[/QUOTE]

<div>Are you serious? Did you and your H not discuss how your life will be like after your married him? Why did you agree to him doing it if you are being this resentful or did he not ask for you input at all when he did this?  Honestly, if you already feel this way, I am not sure how long you can last as a military wife... </div>

Irishcurls

I'm not sure of the timeline of your husband's military career in relation to your dating/marriage...but it sounds like he hasn't been in that long? These were definitely things that should have been addressed prior to getting married. Did he know you were resentful of the idea of him being gone? Have you considered how you'll feel when you have to "pick up and move wherever they send him?" Or giving up a job you love to move somewhere else. Or leaving friends after a few years because he gets restationed. Pulling your kids out of school to move somewhere else. I mean....it's not really a cake walk if you weren't prepared for the whole lifestyle. 

It sounds like you have a great grasp of things to do to keep yourself busy. And you know yourself, you're capable of surviving him being at training. It sounds like the real issue is working through your anger and resentment about the whole scenario. It's not really a "blame" situation--this is his job and him being at training are a requirement.  Have you considered talking to someone? Priest? Therapist? 

AmandaSC1988

Well, I don't really know how to help you. Sorry. If I start to miss H... I miss him for a little bit, and move on with my day. Dwelling on it really doesn't help either of us.... If there is something that triggers my loneliness, I just don't do that. But H and I were Lon Distance for most of our relationship...so we just had to deal with it.

I think it is a lesson you have to learn for yourself..we can all tell you how to cope, but until you accept that there is nothing you can do about it... you are still going to feel mad and upset about it.

May I ask how you dealt with deployments?

ggirl2001

So there is a whole lot of issues rolled into one here and I'm not sure where to start. The other girls asked some pretty good questions that you need to answer. 

I'm stuck on the not sharing him when he's home? Do you mean after you've been separated for a while and you went a week or two to yourself because that's normal? But if thats not what you mean, then no its not normal. You guys need to have your own lives separate from each other and own friends and own interests. It sounds like you do, but do you ignore those when he's around? I'm not  quite sure what you meant. 

And in all honesty, why is 20 minutes not enough? I mean really, my H hates talking on the phone, so for us 20 minutes allows to talk about what we need to, say our I love you's, and continue on through the day. What do you need to talk about every single day that takes longer than 20 minute?  Let him make friends and have a little bit of fun while he's apart, that doesn't mean he loves or misses you any less. He's just making the best of the situation. 

The resentment is worrisome. Like Kara and Irish said, did you guys discuss this before hand? I can't imagine resenting my H or the Marine Corps because he has to work. That's his job, thats what he signed up for. He doesn't resent me when my work affects our lives so I certainly wouldn't resent him or his work. 

firemedicrr

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_what-do-you-girls-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:e6ce4606-e35c-4036-9710-e425e95ed91ePost:e82f41b1-6aba-4dd8-a73f-5c5ed0a3216b">Re: What do you girls do?</a>:
[QUOTE]After reading your post I realize it's not so much the lack of communication. I remember a couple times where we've said all we needed/wanted to so we sat in silence for a bit. I have no problem getting information to him or from him. I just miss him and that feeling of being without him is really killing me. I need to see his face, I need to hear the cute/funny things he randomly says, I need to snuggle damn it! <strong>When he's away I build up resentment</strong> and it makes me so mad that I'm even in this situation. <strong>I really feel like I'm not the Army wife type. I can't go through this over and over.</strong> I've told him this before and obviously we are both aware he has to serve his time. I'm pretty selfish, I don't really even like sharing H when he's home... I just get pissed off knowing that I CAN'T see him for x amount of time. That someone is deciding this for us, keeping us apart, etc. I feel like I'm getting hysterical, like when your fingers get stuck in a chinese finger trap.<strong> I get resentful and upset that he CHOSE this knowing we were going to get married and I wasn't thrilled about it. I get upset that I HAVE to stay at my job because we both depend on it right now and I can't just run off with him.</strong> It makes me SO mad! I really really don't know what to do right now. I feel so panicky.
Posted by tyleet87[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Ok....</div><div>
</div><div>I can understand being frustrated. There are plenty of others here who are without their H's right now, and nobody really LOVES being apart from their Husband for long periods of time- you wouldn't get married if you did. </div><div>
</div><div>You have to remember that you weren't drug into marriage kicking and screaming. You chose to marry him, knowing his choice to serve. Who do you build up these feelings of resentment toward when he is away? It's not healthy. Sure, we all have days where we get frustrated with xyz about the military lifestyle, but you have to learn to let it go. It's not going to help your marriage or your outlook on him being in the military if you harbor resentment towards him or the military over him being gone. </div><div>
</div><div>If you felt like you weren't cut out for this and couldn't handle it, why did you get married? You say that you told him you didn't think you could do this... so why didn't you wait until he got out to get married, if you really expect him to do that? I'm sure a lot of people (myself included) have moments where they wonder if they really can handle some of the things that come with being a mil spouse, but I wouldn't have married my H if I had that many doubts about the lifestyle going into it. It wouldn't have been fair to me or to him. I guess what I'm saying is that it's understandable to have days where you feel like you can't take it, but if that was your feeling about this all along, then it doesn't make sense that you got married anyway... it's like knowingly setting yourself and your H up for disappointment and frustration. </div><div>
</div><div>If you made it clear that this was such a big dealbreaker for you, then you should have stood up for yourself and not gotten married. </div><div>
</div><div>Right now, I'm living 600 miles away from my H because we can't afford for me to quit my job yet, but that is not his fault. I don't get to resent him for that. It has to do with decisions that we both made. Does it suck? Sure it does, but that's life. Lots of people (military or not) have circumstances that keep them apart for periods of time. </div><div>
</div><div>I think you're in for an unhappy marriage if you are going to harbor grudges and resentments. Marriages aren't 50/50, they're 100/100. </div><div>
</div><div>I really hope that you can try to make the best of it :/ sorry that you're having such a hard time with it.</div>

tyleet87

Wow, yeah I had a freak out moment earlier. Sorry for exploding like that. I've calmed down a bit. It's just SO hard. Being here, with no one who understands what it's like to ever be away from their spouse makes me crazy because I can't talk to anyone about it.

He has never been deployed. He's only been in shy of 2 years. BUT he is in the reserves, he isn't active. He will not go active and he will not renew his contract 4 years from now. This was a dream of his that I knew I had to accept along with everything else I love about him. It just makes me mad at times because I feel like he didn't consider the fact that he chose a job that would take him away for periods of time. For instance, I would have liked to be a flight attendant, I LOVE traveling! Then I realized family was more important to me, I wanted a normal husband and later kids, so I didn't persue that avenue. I just feel like he wasn't as considerate. And it is a 'not nice' thing to say and I hate saying it but I feel it and I wanted to share with other people who might understand.

On top of all this I know he accepted a possible deployment next year (granted it's not in a remote location, I know he'll be able to have all the access he has now) and I know I'll just have to deal with it.

Of course I knew this would happen. I went through the other two trainings before we got married. He was home for 6 months and it was as if the Army didn't exist. So now that it's reared it's head again I temporarily got upset. He knew I didn't like it but he knew he had to do it to fufill all he ever wanted. I knew that too. I accepted it the same way I accepted marrying him. Obviously all or nothing. He's so perfect for me, I couldn't have asked for anything better. I just need to keep my cool and deal with it. I just lost it for a moment and I turned to the only source I could think of that could possibly help me with my feelings. I didn't start feeling like this until yesterday actually, I was doing a good job! I just slipped up and a monster came out. I think I'm more frustrated over the lack of consideration in choosing this job. But there's nothing we can change and we're both willing to try and work through it, that's all we can do now. We're both so grateful for so much and this really isn't a big deal in the scheme of things.

And just to clarify, when he was home for 6 months, I didn't like sharing him because I was ALWAYS busy with wedding things and I would get upset when he would make plans with friends when I needed him for a wedding appointment or to work on whatever project with me. And then of course I still wanted to go out on dates but those were so few and far between. Am I making sense?  And dude, we both could talk for HOURS on the phone.

Marriage is 100/100, and we are both doing what we need to do so we can support each other as a family. But aren't we allowed times of 'omg' moments?

Amanda, I think really understood my question. Just deal with it. We both have to. haha it's so simple but so hard to do at times! I was looking for a more, what do you do during a low point? Eat a pint of ice cream? Scream into a pillow? Read a book?

firemedicrr

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_what-do-you-girls-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:e6ce4606-e35c-4036-9710-e425e95ed91ePost:6f56f424-2aef-4e59-81c9-932ee6eefa61">Re: What do you girls do?</a>:
[QUOTE]I was looking for a more, what do you do during a low point? Eat a pint of ice cream? Scream into a pillow? Read a book?
Posted by tyleet87[/QUOTE]

<div>Any variation of the above, along with at least one glass of wine.</div>

Irishcurls

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_what-do-you-girls-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:e6ce4606-e35c-4036-9710-e425e95ed91ePost:573ba920-adfb-4114-afa0-9f9e08bce739">Re: What do you girls do?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What do you girls do? : Any variation of the above, along with at least one glass of wine.
Posted by firemedicrr[/QUOTE]
Bingo!!

ggirl2001

You do realize that we can only can go off what you post and the way you posted it (which seems to be not your intention) raised a lot of red flags for people. it's not that no one here understands, we do, but when you phrase things the way you did it can be worrisome (i.e, being selfish and not wanting to share him). 

But yes, all you can do is suck it up and deal AND try to not take it out on him because it's not his fault either. I'm still a bit concerned that you're still upset with him for choosing this path because it sounds like you supported him at the time but at the same time it sounds like you don't support him (but you really do). I can see how that could be confusing for you and him. (heck it was confusing for me to type out). 

So basically, relax and stop worrying about the fact you can't talk for more than 20 minutes. Let him enjoy his time and you enjoy yours. 

kara811

You're being contradictory here. Either you support him or you don't.

tyleet87

Thank you Fire and Irish! HOW COULD I FORGET ABOUT THE WINE??? That's probably why I felt the way I did because I have not had any in a little while!

gg, I have a BAD habit of doing that. My two closest friends get mad at me all the time for it. I don't know how to fix that. I just say what I'm feeling because I'm really into sharing my feelings and then I have to go back and explain certain points because it didn't come out the way I intended. And I think I'm still confused over support as well. I've never had any current military friends or family so this was a major wave of shock for me. I do support him and of course I support the military 100%, but in 4 years I want to close this chapter and to have us both have normal jobs and lives; And he agrees.

Kara, I feel like you're being sassy after I tried to explain what I meant. Just bear with me, it's a problem of mine that I need to work on.

tyleet87

I also would like to state that I think I'm starting my period in a day or two, I'm breaking out like a teenager, and today I had to wear my tight jeans to work and they make my organs hurt. Pretty sure that's what threw me over the edge.

divinemsbee

I totally get being supportive of your SO while the situation that he's in might suck for you--you can love and support a person, and it's okay to struggle sometimes. That happens. When FI was on his long TDY earlier this year, I would get a little pissy when he seemed to always be going out, but it was momentary and I got over it. 

In many ways, I'm pretty lucky. While FI and I were apart for almost a year before we moved in together, and earlier this year he was away, but we've always been able to communicate pretty much whenever we wanted, and I realize that's something pretty awesome. I'm also in a situation where FI is the far more dependent personality. Most of my hobbies are very by yourself things, I read, occasionally craft, cook, watch certain TV shows and lately have become a little obsessed at the gym. I enjoy time alone, which has helped a lot.  Also, we got our dog right after we moved in together, and when FI was away Archie was perfect to have around. I'll admit that I was probably a little nuts, but, he really gave my day a lot of structure and I always had someone to talk to. 

I'll admit that it's probably also helpful to me that, while I have things I love, and I look for jobs in my field, they tend to be more temporary or seasonal, so I'm never leaving something that I have years at that can only be done within a certain place or company. I don't have to worry about losing the professional status or sense of self that can come with that kind of job every time we move. 

AmandaSC1988

....This is what I do when I  get sad....True story...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gqYAuFvtXM

Sammy0709

Extra trips to the gym

Sammy0709

And to Kara, how about you stop being such a hater and give some legitimate advice once in a while?  There was no reason to be such a debbie downer and pretty much tell tyleet her marriage won't make it because she can't last as a military wife.  Seriously, who died and made you the expert?  We're all learning here, even you, whether you like to admit it or not.

kara811

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_what-do-you-girls-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:e6ce4606-e35c-4036-9710-e425e95ed91ePost:d35d760d-1a0f-4ba9-8e27-a1d8cb0a4b95">Re: What do you girls do?</a>:
[QUOTE]And to Kara, how about you stop being such a hater and give some legitimate advice once in a while?  There was no reason to be such a debbie downer and pretty much tell tyleet her marriage won't make it because she can't last as a military wife.  Seriously, who died and made you the expert?  We're all learning here, even you, whether you like to admit it or not.
Posted by Sammy0709[/QUOTE]

<div>When the fvck have I not given legitimate advice? I don't even reply to ridiculous threads anymore so you can just shut it. Don't you think her situation is a little bit ridiculous? I certainly do, and so do the other girls if you can't tell. Quite frankly, she wouldn't have said everything she said in that hateful message if she didn't truly feel it. And this whole thing is just unhealthy and isn't good for her marriage. I stand by what I said, if she keeps feeling and acting this way, I sincerely don't know how long she'll last as a military wife. She married the man even after knowing what he was going into, so she needs to suck it up and deal with it. Period. </div>

Beachy730

While Kara may not have said it the nicest way possible, Tyleet herself said in her post that she feels like she isn't really the Army wife type and can't go through this over and over.  Which is always a possibility in the military to do this over and over.  When H and I got engaged we knew he was going back to sea duty soon, but didn't know he would be deployed immediately.  And we certainly didn't know that he would only be home for about 7 months total of our first 2 years of marriage.  Between 2 cross country moves in 15 months, back to back deployments, underways and 2 extensions it's been very tough.  If I harbored any resentment toward H for his career choice then I can pretty much guarantee that we wouldn't have made it (almost) through all of this.  

The days that I start to feel bad for myself are honestly the worst and longest days.  I don't think of myself as having a tougher life than anyone else or a harder marriage.  It's just our life and I live it how i would at any point.  I will admit that it's harder when I am back in our hometown because everyone always asks where H is and when he's coming home and then I get the usual "that sucks" or "I don't know how you do it."  I hate it, I don't want pity or to have people make me think my life sucks.  And I hate when people constantly ask me why I didn't move back home or why I'm only staying there a week or two and not months, like I'm not human that I can survive on my own without H.  So honestly I prefer being in our own home even though that is away from most of our family and friends.  Not all of my friends here are military, but the ones that aren't only know me as having H gone and clearly know that my life goes on without him here.  

It sounds like you know how to keep yourself busy.  And when it's rough, drink it out or work out.  That's usually my 2 main coping mechanisms.  Eating my feelings was one in the beginning of deployment and that just made me fat so I don't suggest that one.  

I will also say that I think it's okay to tell your H that you want him to stay home sometimes to talk to you if he is going out every night.  I tell H all the time in ports that he needs to make the time to skype me or call me and he knows that.  So even if he is out in town with his friends he stops in internet cafes or wherever he needs to so that we can skype or talk.  I definitely agree with the other ladies that you both need your own lives and to enjoy yourselves, but if he is going out every night and you have a problem with it you need to talk through it, and I think you're absolutely fine to ask him to stay in a night or two a week then.  

SamiJoeB

Oh Hiiiiii Ladies! It's been a while!

Ty- When XH was gone (which was.. our entire marriage) I worked out A Lot and lost like 40lbs, I learned to like wine, and relied a lot on my friends (the girls here) to distract me from it.. even when things went south.  In the grand scheme of things, this too shall pass, and it will pass quickly.  Hang out with your friends more.  Personally , I would advise you not to rely too heavily on Ben & Jerry.. Emotional Eating is a slippery slope,  maybe take up jogging or running instead?

Kara-You know that was snotty.

ggirl2001

Dude. do we not see that there is a difference betweein MISSING someone and RESENTING someone for being gone??? She came straight out and said that she resented him for making this choice? That's why everyone got on her case, because that's a fuucking huge problem. FFS, even Fire (who is generally pretty sweet and nice), said she will have an unhappy marriage if this continues? Why is no one jumping over her for saying that? 

ggirl2001

And no, when someone back tracks and changes their tune, it doesn't automatically erase what they said in earlier posts. You don't say those things unless you really did feel them at that time and chances are have felt them in the past. So yes, if Ty has freaking resentment over this choice it will affect their marriage and it is unhealthy. Fuucking going to the gym won't fix that. 

Sammy0709

She still doesn't have to be a self righteous snot.

ggirl2001

Also, Ty, I have a legit question. You talked about him volunteering for the deployment. Is that what you are truly upset about? Maybe its not this training but that? In my question is this, did you guys talk about it? And if so, did you share how you really felt, or did you  kind of just brush over it because you knew he wanted it? From your posts, it sounds like that is maybe what you did and now this stuff is bubbling to the surface? 

Sammy0709

Since my response didn't show up I'll try again. She still doesn't have to be a self righteous snot. There was no need and you all know it. I stand by what I said.

ggirl2001

Because it wasn't  in a long paragraph explaining what she meant? I said the same thing, she is being contradictory and it doesn't make sense. This is a ridiculous argument. Literally, every person said the same thing, your marriage won't last if you truly feel this way and don't fix it. Because hers wasn't sugarcoated it's wrong. C'mon. 

kara811

I'd rather be a self righteous snot than a sugarcoating, shittin' rainbows and sunsine kinda person.