Commitment Ceremony?

J&T=1207

I come from a religious Christian family and while my fiance's family is Christian, they are much more laid back than my family. We really want to live together before we are married because 1) We can get use to each other 2) We can't afford our own wedding right now and 3) I'm still getting my degree. I looked up what is called a "commitment ceremony" and it is basically getting married without a marriage license. My fiance and I are considering going on a weekend trip together and having our own ceremony like this so we can explain to my family in God's eyes we are already married. Then, when the timing is right, we will get legally married. Does this make any sense? Would our real wedding not be a big deal to them then?  

Kamirarenee

I feel what you  are saying but honestly how is a commitment ceremony different that the committment you already share? Both are not legal marriages. No difference to me.

If money is the issue and also living together (only as husband and wife) is the main issue, have you thought about going to the justice of the peace (low cost) or have a JOP come to your home and perform a small ceremony there. Then you have a big bash when you are able. Just a thought. Good luck.

J&T=1207

You have a good point on how we are already commited to one another. The JOP coming to our home has never really crossed my mind but that's certainly an idea I'll take up with my fiance. Thank you for your thoughts!

firsttimersluck

J&T, understand that if you have a JOP (ie, get married) you WILL lose all financial ties to your parents (not all, but some). You are 20 and going to college. Are your parents helping pay for that? Are you getting financial aid from the government? That stuff may change when you get married. And a JOP IS a marriage. It is a wedding. It's when you sign that piece of paper, so if that's the kind of wedding you want, awesome, but don't think that it's a "oh just for now" situation. 

If you are old enough and mature enough to get married, you are old enough and mature enough to tell your parents what you want such as moving in with your boyfriend (I say boyfriend because in your last post you called yourself "unofficially engaged"). 

This commitment ceremony sounds about as legit as a promise ring to me.

Also, DDing posts is very disrespectful (for the record). People quoted you, anyway.. so deleting your post on the other board didn't help you any. 

GL

firsttimersluck

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_commitment-ceremony-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:b236f2be-186c-4871-be3a-becefffb58c1Post:1ee89002-ff97-45b1-a0fd-7b97e881feb1">Commitment Ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]I come from a religious Christian family and while my fiance's family is Christian, they are much more laid back than my family. We really want to live together before we are married because 1) We can get use to each other 2) We can't afford our own wedding right now and 3) I'm still getting my degree. I looked up what is called a "commitment ceremony" and it is basically getting married without a marriage license. My fiance and I are considering going on a weekend trip together and having our own ceremony like this so we can explain to my family in God's eyes we are already married. Then, when the timing is right, we will get legally married. Does this make any sense? Would our real wedding not be a big deal to them then?  
Posted by J&T=1207[/QUOTE]

<div>JIC</div>

kmmssg

Sorry, as a Christian MOB I would never buy off on my DD coming up with that idea.  Either you are married or you are not.  Making promses to each other without a license of officient doesn't make you married in God's eyes.  You are single and you have skirted the true meaning so you can play house.
I'm really not trying to be harsh here, but you are looking for an easy way to live together without being married.

There is no "married in God's eyes" and legally married.  They are one and the same.

melntaitt

I'm curious why you just can't move in with your boyfriend and get on with it; if you are old enough to be married then you are old enough to make this very mature decision.

Are you not financially stable enough to move in with your boyfriend without your parents' support? If you aren't then you have to make a decision about how to get to a place where you are financially stable to consider this very grown up move.

The order of things is very clear:
1. Become financially viable to support yourself without anyone's support.
2. Move out - with your boyfriend or on your own whichever is up to you.

If you move in with your boyfriend, you truly cannot expect your parents to continue to support you - it's not feasible. Otherwise, you have to make the decision to move in with your boyfriend without any ceremony - make an adult decision and stick with it.

monkeysip

Yeah I don't get this at all.

If you believe that it is okay to live together before marriage, then MOVE IN TOGETHER!

If you don't believe that it is okay to live together before marriage, then either DON'T MOVE IN TOGETHER or GET MARRIED.

This "commitment ceremony" thing sounds dumb.  Generally speaking, marriage in the eyes of God=legal marriage.

There are exceptions, for example when blacks and whites couldn't legally marry, I would argue that if they had a secret marriage ceremony, they actually were married, even if the state didn't recognize it.

But that's obviously not what's going on with you and your boyfriend.  Either you guys are 100% committed to each other and want to join into a legal and sacred marriage, or you guys still need some time before you marry.  Either way, living together doesn't have much to do with it.

FI and I have been together over 9 years.  We don't believe in living together before marriage, but we also have not have the money to get married yet, and we've both been in school for a while.  So we're waiting.  It is important for us to have the wedding we want and get married when it's the right time.

But thats a decision each couple has to make on their own.  Some people want a big wedding, and so they wait and save the money.  Other people don't need that, so they have a simple ceremony like at the JOP.  Neither decision is better than the other, and both require some sacrifice.  But that's what making adult decisions is all about.

toothpastechica

FYI....your parents and his parents are not going to be happy with a commitment ceremony. My cousins had a commitment ceremony because they do not beleive in the western worlds ideas about marraige, not because they are wanting sex without marraige....If you want to live together then live together, but your parents (and God) will still see it as you are living together before you are married..which most "strongly religious christian parents" are going to not accept for reasons I'm sure you know about, or you wouldnt be bringing this question up. You are not married in God's eyes unless you are married...not just 'commited' in your own head. Why would anyone get married if all you had to do was to privatly promise to be commited and live happlily ever after? Not saying people cant have perfectly awesome relationships who choose not to get married, but people get married as a PUBLIC and LEGAL act binding them together, this ceremony is neither, so dont expect either set of parents to be happy about this idea.

prymar08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_commitment-ceremony-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:b236f2be-186c-4871-be3a-becefffb58c1Post:5d238ebc-a1bc-4f71-8809-6c1f6f394f28">Re: Commitment Ceremony?</a>:
[QUOTE]Unless you are Catholic or Episcopalian, marriage is not a sacrament in your faith like communion or baptism is.  It is the blessing of a civil contract.  Without this civil contract (marriage license) there is no marriage in God's eyes or anywhere else. Commitment ceremonies are often used by couples who cannot legally get married in their state, for instance, same sex couples.  These are public ceremonies where the couple proclaim their commitment to each other.  Legally, they have no standing in most states. If you want to live together, then live together.  Do not use a commitment ceremony as an excuse.  As a Christian, I find this offensive. If you do decide to get married in a civil ceremony (JOP), this will be your only wedding.  You don't get to have a re-do just because you didn't get to wear the white dress in the church.  There will also be legal consequences of being legally married, such as insurance coverage and benefits, tax deductions for your parents. Decide what you want to do.  You can't have it both ways.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

<div>Yes, you can have it both ways. It's your decision to do whatever you want, you are an adult, and you'll obviously be strong enough to live with the consequences (if their are any down the line). If you want to have a civil ceremony and a wedding a few years down the line, go for it. </div><div>My parents are also deeply religious, but I chose to move in with my boyfriend four years ago, and suprisingly, they took it well. You might be suprised by their reaction. I think that when you move out of the house, most parents realize that it's your life, and they can't do much to change it. So perhaps the answer here is to do what you feel is right. It's your life. </div><div>
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