I would love you advice and/or opinions

k40t1kch1k

[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I would love you advice and/or opinions : To the first bolded part, just because he has his choice of coast doesn't mean he will end up there. H is also stationed in Japan, he was supposed to have his choice of coast, which was West Coast, instead we now have orders to Norfolk, a place we really did not want to go to.  To the second bolded part, are you planning on living as a "married couple." I only asked this because you said you aren't wearing rings. Will you be introducing yourselves to others as husband and wife already? Also, JOP isn't just "getting the paperwork done" that is your actual wedding. There are others who have only  had JOP, and stating something like that demeans those people. 
Posted by kara811[/QUOTE]

He has choice of coast via G(uard)2K. We are doing JOP and filing paperwork through the Navy to become a dual-military couple. Once the Navy recognizes us as "dual-mil", we are each filing what is called a "1406", which states that the Navy cannot legally station him outside 50 miles of where I'm at, which is NAS JAX.

For your second question, yes, once he is stationed here we will be living together. We lived together in Japan before we became engaged, so to us it's not that big of a deal. Just a little more crowded, because he'll be bringing his huuuge dog down, in addition to my two little Shibas. Full house!

As far as the JOP, that is just the way we interpret it..a way for the Navy to stop keeping us apart. We could care less about what a piece of paper with ink on it says..paper's flammable, it's not some magical binding contract you see in the Harry Potter movies. A ceremony with our family and closest friends present, that we've personalized and planned ourselves, has more meaning in it for us, and we see that as "it". Our friends and family know our situation and support us.

We haven't discussed the introduction part yet, but that is a good question. Society does make that a little difficult, ha! I suppose we would just use "my other half". =-) We use that now, and will probably still use that in the future as well.

This is my second try at happiness. My first was via JOP, because we did not have the money for a ceremony at all and I was going to Afghanistan anyways, so I 110% fully understand if anyone only has a JOP and that's it. I had no intention of it sounding that way, and I hope that you now understand that I didn't.

k40t1kch1k

Also, I do not have to change my name immediately, or at all for that, if I chose not to. The first time I got married (wish I could retract that =-( ), I didn't get my name changed on anything for about a year, because I was gone.

And it, legally, is not fraud by any means. I have a long-time family friend of mine who is also stationed at NAS JAX as one of the Legal Officers, she has been doing this for a long time. Ladies, I assure you I've triple checked with her, and there's nothing illegal about it. I make too much to want to lose half of it.
The harsh reality is the Navy doesn't care about how you go about doing anything, as long as the paperwork is there for it. If you all knew even a fraction of the actual illegal fraud that's going on in the military, you wouldn't be worried about me. =-) But thank you all for taking the time to let me know, and look up the articles for it. I appreciate it.

iluvmytxrgr

As an MP, I actually do know how much fraud is going on out in the military and I have seen careers completely ruined and people go to jail because of what you are talking about doing.  Maybe you should ask someone other than your friend.  I know the Army takes those things seriously.  Then again, we do vow to uphold the Army values and take it seriously when people go against them. 
I also thank you for thinking so highly of my JOP and the weddings of others on this board.  A marriage certificate is not just paper.  It legally binding and has far more value than a "magicall contract from Harry Potter".  My JOP was personalized and very much had meaning to me, my husband and the people who were able to attend.  I'm sure the other ladies who also had only a JOP wedding will feel the same way. 

kara811

k40t1kch1k: Like PP, what you are doing is still fraud. You should check it with someone other than a friend of yours. A marriage certificate is not just any paper, and even if it is caught in flame or torn apart doesn't make it invalid. I understand wanting to be together, but waiting doesn't hurt. And just because there are many other people that commit graud doesn't meant you will be the lucky one who gets away with it. You might be that one person who gets caught and gets their career ruined. But of course you will still do what you want, so good luck! 

k40t1kch1k

Don't read my post and take what I said about a JOP to heart. That was simply my way of trying to explain/express how my FH and I view the subject. I write as a hobby and sometimes I tend to go overboard with detail. I appolgize if I somehow hit a nerve or hurt your feelings.

I'm not here to attack anyone at all, or demean anyone's choice of how they want to get married. I simply replied to the OP and asked if she was emotionally okay with her choice of JOP before a ceremony/renewal of vows/however you want to word it. As I stated in my original reply, I have seen people regret doing that first.

Let me also clarify something, because I just thought of this. I got my JOP done the first time in Norfolk, VA. My experience was that we paid for our license, then went in a guy's office, he asked if we were sure we wanted to do it, we said yes (no "I do"'s), he signed the certificate, and we were done. There wasn't an exchange of vows or anything close to what you would see in a normal wedding ceremony. My then-husband went to work that night, and I went to bed because I was starting my 96 the next day...no big deal.

So if it's done any other way, I don't know..I just know my experience with it was not as special as I believe some people on here have otherwise experienced. Is this is where the mixup is??

iluvmytxrgr

That isn't how all JOPs work.  We had 30 of our closest friends and family.  I wore a cute dress.  We said the same vows that are at most wedding ceremonies.  We all had dinner after and then a bunch of us went to our favorite kareoke bar. 
I'm sorry your first wedding was impersonal.  Not all JOPs are "Wham, Bam, Thank you, Ma'am". 

k40t1kch1k

Oh, okay then! Now I understand.

We were going to have a ceremony (is it called "renewal of vows" on here?) after I got back from my IA,  otherwise I'm sure we would've done something similar to yours. My view on a JOP would probably be a little different also, if the court official had us do the traditional vows and the "I do" response.  

We had a backyard BBQ thing for his family that same weekend because they wanted to celebrate, but like I said, we had already made plans for later on.

Then two months after I got back from my deployment, I find a bra in the bedroom...aaaand it wasn't mine. So maybe my impersonal experience with the JOP in VA wasn't a bad thing.

iluvmytxrgr

Wow, I'm sorry your XH was such a douche.  He sucks.  I'm glad you have been able to find someone who, I assume, is a much nicer guy. 

calindi

Yikes, what a crappy ex-H! But I suppose that's why he's an ex. Best wishes for your current marriage! And you should maybe read the thread named "Miss Manners from my hometown paper" (or something to that effect) since it points out that your wedding is the day you get legally married. And that for some reason, people think "real wedding" means extravagant and fake, whereas the day they get legally married is "just paperwork." I find that really sad and bad priorities. If your marriage is just "paper and ink" to you, that's sad. I would never want to deceive anyone when I was married into thinking I wasn't - I'd want to shout it from the rooftops! I do totally understand the desire to exchange vows in front of family and friends, and there's no reason you can't do that even after you've gotten married. But it is deceitful to let people think it is your real wedding, and I know that at least in the Marines, being married and collecting real tangible benefits from the military while not presenting yourself publicly as a married couple is indeed fraud, and there was one case this summer that my FI helped prosecute where a Marine got married, accepted relocation assistance for his spouse, BAH, and she went on TriCare, but they told everyone they were just engaged. One of his superior officers heard him say that they only did it so she could move with him, and that their families didn't know. He was brought up on charges and I'm not sure the outcome, but that's not a good situation. Be honest, tell people why you got married and when you plan to have a ceremony to celebrate, but don't let people believe you're not married. I am sure that your families and friends will understand, "We wanted to be stationed together, so we got married legally, but we still would like to plan a ceremony and reception to celebrate, and I hope you'll be able to make it."

prettyirishgirl

Wow lots of posts - Well to address the first question I'm in a somewhat similar situation. My parents are paying for our wedding and my FI is getting transferred to flt school in the fall after a deployment immediately following our engagement in feb. Ftt is a year to year and a half (ish) process in the Army and you dont get date specifics until it starts.  if we wanted to get married before flt school we would have had to plan the wedding in less then 6 months and since he has a brother and father still in active duty we couldnt have had everyone there - so we chose to push it back. We also considered a JOP for the benefits of moving etc. since I am currently living elsewhere. For us the engagement  it was so unplanned that I my engagement ring wasnt even finished being made before he deployed again.

 We weighed the same question. I'd say if you already have your health stuff and can hold your own and you want to have that family ceremony or/church ceremony and that means something to you then people and places will work with you and it is doable even with all the odd dates and things that just happens when dealing with the military. JOP is a great thing and i think that your friends and family will celebrate with you regardless of your choice. Remember they love you and that they will completely understand that you didnt make up this crazy schedule for yourself.  I think from my experiance and putting feelers out myself about it that as corny as it sounds real friends and family will understand and wont care if its a vow renual and JOP or a traditional ceremony.

The benefits of legally being joined uncomplicates a lot of things when dealing with the military, visits, getting on post, moving, bills, medical, and personally the most useful is being able to pay bills and give authorization since while m FI is deployed I'm a sitting duck when i live in his house and he can't make changes to accounts and i legally can't do anything about it. On the other hand if you dont need the support legally  or to move like we didn't you can choose to have the traditional wedding option. *For other people that may read this my entire choice would have been different if he would have deployed again before flt school or possibly if i'd had time to put my head on straight before he left immediately following our engagement.*

I'd also like to continue to drag on by saying that as frustrating as it has become on occasion I found it easier to not pick the date but pick everything else. We chose church and reception locations, venders, colors, uniforms/no uniforms, invitations and photographer. The people that needed to such as the photographer have a general date known, but not a specific. So that if it starts to book up he will call and i'll have to make a choice but other then the date our contract is written up and filed. But it also caused us to consider a weekday wedding. Something I woudlnt have normally done but allows us to book shorter notice if we have to. Unlike saturdays wed. never books up. Everything for our wedding is pretty much picked and planned so that when i find out when we can have it i can make every call in one day and make it happen. This may not work for you guys, but it is never had i thought i'd plan a wedding and it is actually working way better then i thought it would.

You also have a third option if you care for it. You could get married with JOP or a church but with a limited number of people and have a reception later for everyone that you wanted. If you thought that the vow renewal wouldn't work for you or maybe family has a different perspective on it and one that we had to consider since my family is very religious. they would have accepted a vow renewal but i knew my parents werent to fond of it and since they were paying this was our in case compromise option. We were going to have a military Chaplin present and do a JOP/religious thing just the two of us and then just have a reception with everyone. Do the cake, toasts and whatever.

Good luck - the best of wishes congrats on his news and your engagement and in the end you will make the choice that is best for the two of you.