To wed or not to wed?

Zeldakins

Hi there,
Well it just so happens that my sweetie decided to join the military and now that there is a chance of longer seperation than originally thought, we've considered getting married. I'm still a student in my sophomore year of college and although it seems that I might be too young, this looks to be the only option for us to be together throughout his military career. We've always talked about getting married but would it be a bad idea to make it sooner than later in this case?

Thanks so much!
-Z

CAB1217

It totally depends on your relationship... do you WANT to be married? That's all that matters. This is not the only option for you guys. If you're not ready, then you're not ready. It's a big step, and someone joining the military is not good enough reason to get married if you're unsure about your future with him. GL, I hope that it does all work out for you!

LetsHikeToday

I've never understood saying that getting married is the only way to stay together. Why is that the case for you? My suggestion- wait until you're done with school to get married.

TeamBaby

Yes.  It would be a bad idea.  If you have to ask other people's opinion on whether you should get married, you should probably wait.  Finish college- I can't stress that enough.  Getting married is not the only option for you two to be together.  You're a civilian- no one is controlling where YOU live or what you do.  You can always move to where he is- you don't have to be married for that.  I've seen way too many people in the military get married just because they felt it was the only way to be able to stay together and it failed miserably.

Irishcurls

I also don't understand why that's the only way to be together. Obviously there are scenarios where you can't be where he is, but for the most part, you just move and get an apartment with or without him wherever he's stationed, much like the rest of the world. I'm really not trying to be snarky, I just don't get why him being in the military means you can't move somewhere. Sure you might have to pay for it yourself but that is NOT a good enough reason to get married so young, IMO. Especially if you are questioning. Heck. I'm 10 years older than you and I questioned it. 

KendallR10

if you have to ask its a bad idea. 

SamiJoeB

Getting married doesn't guarantee you'll be together.  I'm married. My H is in Japan. I'm in NC.  That's roughly 8,000 miles apart so we're definitely not together.  I'm sorry but the whole "getting married so we can be together" argument is just ridiculous, especially when used by a military couple.  The military = distance.  If you can't handle it, then this isn't the lifestyle for you.  I'm not trying to rain on your parade, or be harsh, but I am trying to be real with you.

Besides, like the PP's said, if you're questioning it at all, it should probably be a no.  Even if you get married, you'll still be apart while he's in boot, and training (I'm not sure if you mentioned what branch..) and that can take months or even years.  My advice to you would be to wait until you finish school.  You're a sophomore now, so by the time you finish college he'll be adjusted to the military lifestyle, and you'll be adjusted to distance.  No harm can come from waiting.  You'll either stick it out and start your marriage on solid ground, or you'll break up and then you weren't really right in the first place.. Personally, I'd take a break up over a divorce any day.

ggirl2001

My H and I were long distance for 2 1/2 years before we got married. In all honesty,  the long distance strengthened our relationship in ways I can't even explain. I also would not have gotten married without my degree if I was in school. Ditto all the other pp's.

shan87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_wed-not-wed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:f0304e99-94a2-418e-b8c4-58b6c65cb985Post:20ed475e-6db6-40cb-be40-216c18ff68bc">Re: To wed or not to wed?</a>:
[QUOTE]Getting married doesn't guarantee you'll be together.  I'm married. My H is in Japan. I'm in NC.  That's roughly 8,000 miles apart so we're definitely not together.  I'm sorry but the whole "getting married so we can be together" argument is just ridiculous, especially when used by a military couple.  The military = distance.  If you can't handle it, then this isn't the lifestyle for you.  I'm not trying to rain on your parade, or be harsh, but I am trying to be real with you. Besides, like the PP's said, if you're questioning it at all, it should probably be a no.  Even if you get married, you'll still be apart while he's in boot, and training (I'm not sure if you mentioned what branch..) and that can take months or even years.  My advice to you would be to wait until you finish school.  You're a sophomore now, so by the time you finish college he'll be adjusted to the military lifestyle, and you'll be adjusted to distance.  No harm can come from waiting.  You'll either stick it out and start your marriage on solid ground, or you'll break up and then you weren't really right in the first place.. Personally, I'd take a break up over a divorce any day.
Posted by SamiJoeB[/QUOTE]

Cosigned.
My H and I were LD for 6 years. Even married you are going to be spending time apart, it is a lifestyle adjustment. Finish school, grow individually and become a person that doesn't need to be codependent.

firsttimersluck

Hi and Welcome to the board!

I dated a guy long distance while he was in college in CA and I was in college in WA. We never considered getting married to stay together... Now that would be silly right? Because it doesn't make much sense... Same for one in college and one in the military.
If you're not there, you're not there. There is NOTHING wrong with that! Sometimes long distance is what a relationship needs to see how much it can withstand!
My advice is to hold out and see how things go for a while, get married when you are ready and it feels like you want nothing more than to have HIM as your husband for a lifetime. Then do it.
 Military doesn't promise spouses a spot on their orders to move with them (Sami is an example of that one). And a divorce because of a frivolous decision takes a lot of time, effort, money, and headaches -_-.
Again, Welcome to the board!!

Zeldakins

Thanks for the input! It's still not for certain what's going to happen. The plan was originally to get married before he deployed and actually have some planning time, but some stuff has come up and it's either going to be sooner or WAY later until a wedding happens. I'm not looking for anything big, a JOP would be just fine...but he really seems to want to go all out with this.

I've never been a stranger to long distance with him, it seems that more than half our relationship has been this way actually. I think that what I'm most worried about is the time frames that we'll be working with. I'm a real stranger to military life and I don't understand how leave works just yet, for overseas or if gets stationed in the States.

Also, I do realize that this is not the only option. I know that I could just move to where he's at after I finish my schooling, nurses are needed almost anywhere.

calindi

Keep hanging out here and these ladies will be able to familiarize yourself with the military lifestyle. And definitely wait - you won't regret waiting until he gets back!

SamiJoeB

OP- Thank you for not immediately getting defensive and telling us that we're hateful biitches!!  That shows a lot of maturity on your part, and that's something that is quite frankly lacking in most of the brides that post some version of your exact question.  It's so true that Nurses are needed everywhere so I'm sure that if you just wait and focus on school, everything will work out fine.  Plus you could maybe get a job at a base hospital!  Kudo's to you!!

Zeldakins

There's no reason to get defensive. The only thing that I can do is listen to the words of someone who has already lived through the situation I'm currently going through. It would be so great if I could get a job in a base hospital! It looks like I have a lot to look forward to.

calindi

I think you're really smart to do something as practical as nursing, especially as a military significant other.  It's a very transferable set of skills that will make moving around a lot easier!  I wish I could go back and do something like accounting or nursing or something that has tangible skills that people need.  Ah well, hindsight is 20-20 and all that jazz... you'd think being trilingual would help me, but not that much.  Seriously, what I wouldn't give to have been a Physician's Assistant or something equally practical.