End of deployment advice

matcha

Hey ladies,

My FI is finally coming home soonish! It has been a year overseas and over a year and a half of not living together due to trainings. I'm really excited, obviously, but also a little anxious.

I'm just a little worried about helping him get re-adjusted and reconnecting ourselves. I've asked the military's "reintruction expert" for information since I'm out of the state finishing my masters and can't attend any information sessions. Anyone have any advice? Or at least some good vibes...

Thanks!

calindi

No real advice as I haven't been through it - but I'm really excited for you!!!

I do know a bit about cultural readjustment, though I don't know how that varies for service members.  It might do some good to read up on cultural readjustment ("The Art of Coming Home" is a good book), because there are some real stages.  I remember when I moved back from China, stupid things that are totally inconsequential would enfuriate me or overwhelm me.  Like going in the grocery store - I couldn't handle it and it was totally overwhelming, it took me about 2-3 weeks before I could go in without having total overload and walking out.  I imagine things like that would be similar for service members - things that are familiar to us here in the US become slightly strange when you haven't been around them for awhile. 

So just expect the unexpected, and know that the readjustment phase does pass, and anything that is particularly challenging be sure to ask for help.  You're doing all the right things, acknowledging that it isn't going to be sunshine and roses right away and preparing for the readjustment. 

amh04

We've done two, and both times it was completely different. The first time it was right back to normal, and the last time it was hard. My best advice is just to be patient, keep your routine. I'm sure it depends on where he was deployed to, but I found it helped to just act normal. Don't cater to his every need, don't be afraid to ask his help for thjngs around the house but on that some token don't hand him a 30 page to do list. Just kind of wing it, you'll know how to hack it once he's home for a few days.
yay for kicking some deployment ass! Good thoughts your way!

firsttimersluck

ack matcha you have been gone for a while! welcome back!

We all get worried about the exact same thing, so don't feel like you're alone! It's completely normal, and you BOTH will go through a lot of different emotions. 

When H was getting ready to come back we read up on the phases of deployment... 

http://www.military.com/NewContent/0,13190,Deployment_Family_Emotional,00.html

and went step by step, talking about them, how we feel we have handled things so far, what we are most worried about, how we think we can avoid those things, etc. 

We still had a tiff here and there when he got back because it IS an adjustment, no matter how much you prepare yourself for it... But talking about it WITH him prior to, will at least allow you both to know where each other stands, and then the emotions don't come as a surprise. 

Don't let yourself stress it too much, just prepare yourself via acquiring knowledge on what to expect  

Zimsgirl

Everyone is different. FI got hurt before his deployment ended. He was moody, felt guilty that he was home, and had mood swings. He got better (a lot of it was the pain and everything) but it definitely took time to adjust. He would snap (because he was used to being around a bunch of guys and that's how they talked) so I would just tell him don't snap on me and he'd apologize and sometimes didn't realize he was snapping. It's just gonna take time. Communication is key. Glad he's coming home!

amh04

I agree with FTL and Zims, communication is very important. Open and honest communication. 

matcha

Thank you for all the kind thoughts and advice! Yeah, I've been haunting the boards on and off, but between finals and papers I haven't had a ton of time. One more week of finals and then YAY!  FTL- thank you for the link! Calindi- I'll read up on it as much as possible, thank you for the book suggestion.  He won't want to read anything about it (he resists anything remotely close to "self-help"), but maybe I can just bring it up in conversations.

I'm extra nervous because he'll be coming back while I'm in a period of change.  He'll join me in moving several states away as I start a new internship.  He won't have a ton to do because he doesn't have a job or routine.  We have some friends in the area, but its not the ideal situation.  

I just need to figure out when to push him a bit and when to back off and let him figure it out. Hopefully when we get back together things will click again, but I'm trying to read up for the worst.

firsttimersluck

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_end-of-deployment-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:f1b09fe4-0c87-417e-837b-eed6be97a0a0Post:d2c7625c-3417-42ff-8082-61f3303b5939">Re: End of deployment advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you for all the kind thoughts and advice! Yeah, I've been haunting the boards on and off, but between finals and papers I haven't had a ton of time. One more week of finals and then YAY!  FTL- thank you for the link! Calindi- I'll read up on it as much as possible, thank you for the book suggestion.  He won't want to read anything about it (he resists anything remotely close to "self-help"), but maybe I can just bring it up in conversations. I'm extra nervous because he'll be coming back while I'm in a period of change.  He'll join me in moving several states away as I start a new internship.  He won't have a ton to do because he doesn't have a job or routine.  We have some friends in the area, but its not the ideal situation. <strong>  I just need to figure out when to push him a bit and when to back off and let him figure it out. Hopefully when we get back together things will click again, but I'm trying to read up for the worst.</strong>
Posted by matcha[/QUOTE]

<div>That's totally right. </div><div>You'll figure it out after trial and error, though. </div><div>Where he has been deployed, has it been a serious combat zone? </div><div>When H deployed last, he wasn't in combat zones so it was more that he just had to get used to </div><div>1. caring about others' times, energy, efforts (he spent a lot of time alone so it was all about HIS time and what HE wanted to do WHEN.) </div><div>2. adjusting back to time change (time zones suck.. that only takes a week or so though :) ) </div><div>3. getting harassed by everyone wanting to see how he's doing, how deployment was, blahblahblahblah (He told people that he will be available in a week.. He wanted one week with just me to get adjusted back to "us" and catch up on life)</div><div>
</div><div>umm... I'll let you know if I think of anything else.. but that was mainly it.. the big thing was that I spent months by myself and on my own time, as did he. So we both had our own "routines" and things to readjust. It was pretty easy though, because we had our "routines" before he left so we just switched back to those. </div><div>
</div><div>I know you will be going through a LOT more with your own changes as well and that will make it more complicated.. Just don't be afraid to say "I'm feeling a little resentful right now because...." or "I'm feeling a little neglected right now because...." </div><div>Even those small things that he did before he deployed, he may forget he did. Try not to beat him up too much ;) He'll get back to that pre-deployment him in time. :P </div>