Could really use some input..

amh04

I know it isn't military related but I trust your opinions and I have somewhat of a dilema...

A little background info: FI is Catholic - his entire family is catholic - and I believe his parents were baptized at this same church, as well as his sisters and him. I'm in the process of becoming catholic - I started RCIA (catholic classes) last night. We found a church here, that we both really like and feel welcomed in.
So FI is on the phone with his mom today, and she comes up with an idea to have me baptized at their church - in Kentucky - in November (we are going there for thanksgiving - my birthday is the day before... oh the joys NOT) and was thinking we could do it then... FI's mom apparently was really upset that she wouldn't be able to make it down in April (FSIL is getting married in May, we get married in March) to see me get baptized... but when I imagined being baptized I thought it would just be sort of an FI and I thing.. private, simple, and no to-do about it. Well FI's mom wants the baptism to be done there, at the church Erik was baptized in, and wants to do a 'party' afterwards... I feel bad because I know FMIL doesn't ask for anything, ever, and so I feel like I really should do it... but I don't want a big thing made out of it - I don't want a bunch of people there, I'd rather just keep it small - I don't want to be the center of attention, or a party - cake is fine lol - but... I just don't know.. like this was just thrown at me like 20 minutes ago. FI doesn't really care but he said that to other Catholic's - such as his mom- it's a big deal. So... advice? Do I just go ahead and do it, if the church allows it?

Thanks ladies.

calindi

Eeek...

Um, if I were you, I'd say to FMIL, "Wow, I really appreciate that you'd want to do that for me!  I hadn't pictured this being such a big thing.  I mean, I know it's important, but I think it would mean more to me to do it with just those closest to me rather than a big party.  I don't mind doing it at your home church if it means that much to you, though I had planned to do it at the new church where we've been going to services.  However, could we keep it small?  I'd rather just have you, FI, and (fill in whoever else - FFIL, siblings, whatever)."

shan87

He is right that it's a big deal. But that doesn't mean you need to make it a huge party. Its a big deal to you and your faith, not a big show. Do you have a good relationship with your FMIL? Would you be willing to still get baptized there but not have a party? See if she is willing to compromise.

HTH

SamiJoeB

I was raised Catholic.  Baptism is a big deal.  Even for babies, normally parties are thrown.  My understanding is that regardless your baptism would be during mass, so there's already going to be an entire congregation.  I guess I don't really see the harm in letting your FMIL have this one, as I think in the long run it would mean more to you both if you were baptized with his family there (and yours hopefully), with a celebration afterwards, rather than just being baptized in a room full of strangers.  I hope that made sense.. HTH!

amh04

Thanks ladies.. I appreciate this. I don't mind doing it there... to me it's more or less intimidating I guess is the right word. I know my family won't be there - they live in VA and his are in KY. I just don't want it made into a whole to-do, I rather just have it simple and private. I guess it depends on whether or not their church will allow this to happen and the circumstances surrounding it. I would love to do this for her, since it means so much to her, I just didn't imagine having his whole family there and that makes it even more intimidating.

amh04

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_could-really-use-input?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:f9979140-b323-4178-a57a-1a9e5a76873fPost:fd7ca870-d5a6-42a9-afbf-e669cd54cc64">Re: Could really use some input..</a>:
[QUOTE]Eeek... Um, if I were you, I'd say to FMIL, "Wow, I really appreciate that you'd want to do that for me!  I hadn't pictured this being such a big thing.  I mean, I know it's important, but I think it would mean more to me to do it with just those closest to me rather than a big party. <strong> I don't mind doing it at your home church if it means that much to you, though I had planned to do it at the new church where we've been going to services.  However, could we keep it small?  I'd rather just have you, FI, and (fill in whoever else - FFIL, siblings, whatever)</strong>."
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

I think that's exactly what I'm going to say once it's brought back up, and after both churches have been spoken to regarding it. I just don't want a ton of people there.. and I'm really hoping it isn't during a mass. I know with babies, it's private and there isn't any one else there.. plus I don't think we will be there for a mass -it'll be thanksgiving week. Erik has to be back at work that monday, which means leaving that sunday. And we haven't discussed how he is going to take leave yet since we will be seeing my family for christmas, and then all the wedding jazz will be popping up.

Beachy730

 I can understand her wanting to be there, and I know baptism is important, but I've never seen any type of party done for adults being baptised.  Will you be done with your classes and able to be baptised in November?  And how long will you be there for when you go in November?

I can see both sides of it, because if I was going through classes at the church I was getting married and really liked the church, I would want to do it there, and I think that is completely fine and acceptable.  I can also see why your FMIL wants you to have it at her church though for the tradition thing, and because it's important to her.

If you'd be willing to do it at her church in November, I would tell her that you'd be happy to do it there, but you don't want a party after because between Thanksgiving and your birthday you think you will be celebrated out, and don't want to put people out.  

If you want to do it at your church you're getting married at, then I think she should respect that you're enjoying this church, and she should respect that you want to make these blessed sacraments (baptism and marriage) in the same church.

calindi

I would be totally honest with her about why you don't want the party - if you try to demure that it's too much work for her, or there's too much else going on, she may think you're just being modest and would really want a party after all.  If you tell her straightforward that what you really want is something small, intimate, and personal, then I think she'll get the point!

amh04

I don't know how long we will be there, and actually looking at the calendar my birthday is the tuesday before.. so close lol, but I'm not sure if we will leave on my birthday - the 22nd and then return home on the 27 or what.. just depends on how FI's command is going to work this time around.
I really love the church we are going to be married in, and I was happy with being baptized there. I won't be done with my classes until April - Easter (pretty standard with RCIA I found - although FI's church does a 'rush' program Sept-Dec your done) So it really will boil down to what both churches say. I just really wasn't expecting this to be such a big deal, I'm touched that it means so much to her and I appreciate that, and I am happy to do something for her since she never asks for anything. But.. deep down part of me almost worries - that if I do go ahead and get baptized there what is going to happen when we have children? Is she going to request them being baptized there as well? I know.. maybe a little far stretched to think.. but I do think that.

The whole situation has just really gotten me intimidated about the whole thing

Beachy730

I was typing my response as you made those 2 posts.  Usually churches will do a large baptism ceremony for all adults on a certain day.  I think my  church at home would do it once a month or once every other month, and it was usually after the later Sunday morning mass.  

amh04

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_could-really-use-input?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:f9979140-b323-4178-a57a-1a9e5a76873fPost:f3b42a49-222b-4178-8ad7-becdefd06ec9">Re: Could really use some input..</a>:
[QUOTE]I would be totally honest with her about why you don't want the party - if you try to demure that it's too much work for her, or there's too much else going on, she may think you're just being modest and would really want a party after all.  If you tell her straightforward that what you really want is something small, intimate, and personal, then I think she'll get the point!
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

I hope so.

I really apprecaite all the input ladies. Hopefully this gets ironed out smoothly and without too many kinks..

calindi

I think this is probably her way of trying to include you in the family.  But yeah, I do think she'll probably want your children to also be baptised in the same church.  Be prepared for that, and talk to your FI about it so you're both on the same page.  Your baptism is your decision, but your children's baptism will be the decision of you and your FI together, and so he should be the one to express whatever you both decide to his family.

Beachy730

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[QUOTE]I don't know how long we will be there, and actually looking at the calendar my birthday is the tuesday before.. so close lol, but I'm not sure if we will leave on my birthday - the 22nd and then return home on the 27 or what.. just depends on how FI's command is going to work this time around. I really love the church we are going to be married in, and I was happy with being baptized there. I won't be done with my classes until April - Easter (pretty standard with RCIA I found - although FI's church does a 'rush' program Sept-Dec your done) So it really will boil down to what both churches say. I just really wasn't expecting this to be such a big deal, I'm touched that it means so much to her and I appreciate that, and I am happy to do something for her since she never asks for anything. <strong>But.. deep down part of me almost worries - that if I do go ahead and get baptized there what is going to happen when we have children? Is she going to request them being baptized there as well? I know.. maybe a little far stretched to think.. but I do think that. The whole situation has just really gotten me intimidated about the whole thing</strong>
Posted by amh04[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Not far fetched at all, and I think there is a very good possibilty that if you do this for her that she would also be expecting her future grandchildren to be baptised there as well.  I'm not trying to tell you to be a bitch about it, but how you react to certain things now will set a path for how things play out down the road as well.  If you give in now, she'll expect you to give in down the road too.  </div><div>
</div><div>I guess I'm confused on things too.  You live in Florida, and the church you would be getting married in and doing these classes is also in Florida?  And your FMIL's church is in KY right?  So how would these classes work with you not living there?  I don't really think it's going to be just an issue of you doing this at your church.  Classes would have to be arranged, either online or over the phone, or requiring multiple trips there.  So then you'll be rushed with that as well and it could be stressful for you.  </div><div>
</div><div>The more I think about it, the more I think I would tell her no.  But it's your decision to make, not mine.

</div>

amh04

Oh sorry - Yes we live in FL and they (IL's) live in KY. I'm attending the classes at the church we are getting married at in FL. We actually joined the parish here. She is actually talking to the priest there about it (before even asking me) to see if it is possible.

And thanks - I'm glad to know I'm not far fetched.. and I think that is going to be a topic we are going to discuss very, very soon - before we have a child/get pregnant (that way emotions arn't overtaking the discussion) - probably before the wedding. But.. I don't mind doing things, I really really want to have a great relationship with her and the rest of his family and if this will help that then I really don't mind.. I just don't want to be overruled and I don't want it to be created into a big ordeal.

Irishcurls

I hope it works out for you!  RCIA baptism happens on Holy Saturday and is a big deal...even if you do the "rush" version, you can't get baptized in Nov, since you won't be done until Dec. I really can't imagine her priest telling her anything different. Unless I'm missing something?

amh04

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[QUOTE]I hope it works out for you!  RCIA baptism happens on Holy Saturday and is a big deal...even if you do the "rush" version, you can't get baptized in Nov, since you won't be done until Dec. <strong>I really can't imagine her priest telling her anything different. Unless I'm missing something?
</strong>Posted by Irishcurls[/QUOTE]

I don't know. This just all came up.  My classes (I'm doing the normal) started yesterday and go till Easter. FI said that she mentioned that as long as I am participating in classes this can happen. I don't know how true that is, or really how much the churches are willing to work with one another since they are in two completely different states/regions/diocese (sp). I'm almost hoping he tells her no, they won't allow it so that it won't become an issue. But if they will let it happen, then I'm more than happy to make that gesture for her.

Irishcurls

I think you have the right idea--getting baptized is the most important thing, but I totally get your wanting it all done at your own parish. If you haven't been baptized in any denomination before, I can think of no instance where the church would speed it up just so FMIL can have you do it at Thanksgiving in her church. The RCIA process is long for a reason, kwim?

amh04

Yeah, I've never been baptized before - my parents didn't really raise us in a church going atmosphere. Thanks again ladies.

I'm just going to let the priest tell her whether or not he will allow it, and then go from there. I hope that it won't be allowed so I won't have to put my foot down - i know its horrible - but either way it'll work out I'm sure.

ggirl2001

I do like the compromise idea of doing it in the church, but keeping it small, but only you know your FMIL and how much she will push for other things (such as children's baptism)

I can say I was shocked that my family was ok with me not getting married in my parish church. My grandparents were married there (some great aunts and uncles as well), my mom and her sister, and all my siblings. I was the first since my family joined the parish (in 1920s) to not get married there. It actually was ok and no one got mad, so she might surprise you as well. If the tradition is that important to her, I can understand it in a way from her side.

LuluP82

Yeah, everyone I know who went through RCIA has been baptized on the same day (Easter). Baptisms are usually done as a group though in any parish I've ever belonged to (and I've been Catholic my entire life) and during regular Mass. Same thing with First Communions and Confirmation. At our current Church, the Baptisms happen the 3rd Sunday of the month. Granted, there could be a month where there's only one baby to be baptized, but it's still open to the public, not private.

My H was confirmed in a special ceremony that the priest arranged, because we wanted to do it before he left for OCS. Even so, it was during a regular Mass (the priest announced there was going to be a confirmation, and called us up to the altar). This is only because my H had grown up going to both Catholic and Episcopalian services, he'd just never been confirmed, and he spent a LOT of one-on-one time with the priest preparing for it.  

I just want to warn you that it won't be a private thing, no matter where you do it. I also think there's no way they'll rush RCIA that much just so your FMIL gets to see your baptism-- you won't even be halfway through the classes.

LOLways

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_could-really-use-input?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:f9979140-b323-4178-a57a-1a9e5a76873fPost:d2bda293-d0de-4ccf-bd65-2513949a9eb6">Re: Could really use some input..</a>:
[QUOTE]She is actually talking to the priest there about it (before even asking me) to see if it is possible. 
Posted by amh04[/QUOTE]

<div>Just based on this I would do it my way in my home parish. I just went through RCIA and got confirmed at Easter so I know a little of how you're feeling... My future IL's wanted to be a part of it but weren't pushy about the locations, I think they were just glad I was doing it.</div><div>
</div><div>That said, if they had asked me to get baptised at their church where they live... I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have even had to say anything, as FI would've been like um.. no.</div><div>
</div><div>And calling the priest behind your back to talk about it smacks of all kinds of sneaky underhanded things behind your back that you'll have to deal with later. Def not getting good vibes on that one....</div><div>
</div><div>Good luck!</div>

KendallR10

I was baptized a christian with my best friend. We have the pictures of it. there was a ton of people there. My best friend has now passed and I wouldn't trade that for the world.

I don't know what catholic baptizisms are like but is there any way FI could be in the water with you? 

I think you should let FMIL have her big deal. Its one day out of your life. but thats just me

calindi

Kendall, Catholic baptisms don't take place in the water - they do it at a baptism fountain inside a church.  So it's only the people getting baptised who get wet.  It's very, very different than what it sounds like you did.

KendallR10

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[QUOTE]Kendall, Catholic baptisms don't take place in the water - they do it at a baptism fountain inside a church.  So it's only the people getting baptised who get wet.  It's very, very different than what it sounds like you did.
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]
is it like what they do for babies over the head?<div>
</div><div>
</div><div>When I was baptized we were in a pool and they had us fully submerged</div>

calindi

Kendall, yes, similar to what they do for babies.  I don't think the Catholics would ever completely submerge themselves in a pool or something.

KendallR10

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[QUOTE]Kendall, yes, similar to what they do for babies.  I don't think the Catholics would ever completely submerge themselves in a pool or something.
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]
Hmmm.... I hope I didn't offend anyone. I'm not religous so I'm not in on how baptisms are done or services. I've been to one catholic mass

calindi

I can't imagine you'd offend anyone with that - you just didn't know!  I find it interesting how different denominations of Christianity handle baptism differently.  Some insist on baptising babies, and some want to wait until the person is old enough to decide for themselves.  It's all very different.

KendallR10

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[QUOTE]I can't imagine you'd offend anyone with that - you just didn't know!  I find it interesting how different denominations of Christianity handle baptism differently.  Some insist on baptising babies, and some want to wait until the person is old enough to decide for themselves.  It's all very different.
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

<div>I think that they should get to do both. But thats just me. I don't believe in a lot that the bible says.. </div>

divinemsbee

I'm pretty late on this but agree with the other Catholic ladies on the board-it's very unlikely that any priest will baptise you before you complete RCIA, and in every church I've been to, the group baptism of adults is on Holy Saturday (and why I avoid Easter Vigil at all costs, it lasts for-ev-er). I doubt that this would be seen as a necessary thing by either priest, so I'll bet you have an out there, but it might be good to talk to FMIL anyway. I'm surprised a life-long Catholic would think someone would bend the rules like that.

amh04

It's truly amazing the difference in each religion - which is why I find it all so interesting. I'm a huge fan of history and religion and the difference between each one is just amazing to me. and I can't imagine anyone being offended by that - everybody's experience is different. and not everyone is going to know the in's and out's of the Catholic faith or the Methodist or Protestant.. etc.

I don't know. We talked today about the child situation and I told him flat out that I wanted our future child to be baptized in the parish we are in - not his home church (plus in most cases there are classes the parent has to attend) and he agreed. FI is very laid back about it all and told his mom it was my choice but I think he is getting that it's really intimidating for me. I also put my foot down about communinion at our ceremony and told him no - I won't be baptized by then nor of had my first communinion so I won't be able to take it and I refuse to be excluded from anything in my wedding and I refuse to have my family excluded in anything related to the wedding. The priest has been so kind to explain to our family/friends about the ceremony during it (why we stand, why we kneel - what to do etc.. ) but the communinion - that's taking it too far and I don't find it fair.

So good strides on that.. no answer yet on the baptisim - but I'm still crossing my fingers both priests (or one) will say no. Because I really would like to do it in our church. I don't think it should matter where it occurs - just that it does.

calindi

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[QUOTE]It's truly amazing the difference in each religion - which is why I find it all so interesting. I'm a huge fan of history and religion and the difference between each one is just amazing to me. and I can't imagine anyone being offended by that - everybody's experience is different. and not everyone is going to know the in's and out's of the Catholic faith or the Methodist or Protestant.. etc. I don't know. We talked today about the child situation and I told him flat out that I wanted our future child to be baptized in the parish we are in - not his home church (plus in most cases there are classes the parent has to attend) and he agreed. FI is very laid back about it all and told his mom it was my choice but I think he is getting that it's really intimidating for me. I also put my foot down about communinion at our ceremony and told him no - I won't be baptized by then nor of had my first communinion so I won't be able to take it and I refuse to be excluded from anything in my wedding and I refuse to have my family excluded in anything related to the wedding. The priest has been so kind to explain to our family/friends about the ceremony during it (why we stand, why we kneel - what to do etc.. ) but the communinion - that's taking it too far and I don't find it fair. So good strides on that.. no answer yet on the baptisim - but I'm still crossing my fingers both priests (or one) will say no. Because I really would like to do it in our church. I don't think it should matter where it occurs - just that it does.
Posted by amh04[/QUOTE]


I think you're really smart for handling the wedding that way, and I'm glad to hear you and your FI are on the same page about future children's baptisms!  Just make sure he's the one who communicates that to his family when the time comes so you aren't made into the bad guy.

My parents were an Episcopalian and Catholic wedding - with two priests overseeing the ceremony to appease both parents - and they made the same choice about communion.  A wedding is about unifying two people, not dividing two families, and that's what would have happened if my Dad's family took communion while my Mom's Episcopal family stayed seated.   Plus in the Episcopal church, anyone can get communion, which befuddles some Catholics and may have cause some concern since there was both a Catholic and Episcopal priest there (it was in an Episcopal Church).  So they didn't do it, but my Dad's family threw a big stink about it and threatened to not come to the wedding if they couldn't have communion.  So my Dad told them he'd see them at the reception, then.  They still went, but they are all frowning in most of the pictures.

I wonder how that side of the family will react to my wedding... no church, no priest, and an athiest gay man will be performing our ceremony!  Ha!