Question

gabbie2287

My Future husband is going from national guard to reserve and is getting a fulltime job with the reserve and i am confused. my question is because he is changeing is there anything new i need to know before we get married or is there a handbook? we have already been through a deployment, and im learning as i go but i feel as though we are missing some vital information. 

calindi

Sadly I don't think there's a handbook for anything military related - we all sort of learn as we go along!  We do have some reserves and national guard significant others on here (and maybe some service members in those branches, too?  I forget who is what) who might be able to give you some perspective.  Have you read the book "Married to the Military"?  There's a few other books, but that's the only one I've read so far and it gives a pretty good generic overview.  Nothing specific, but at least a good basis.

And if you have any specific questions, usually someone on here knows the answer!  Welcome and congrats on your engagement!

gabbie2287

Thank you and i will be ordering that book right now. 

LetsHikeToday

Cal- Thanks for the book rec. I'll be on the look out for it.

I feel like their should be like a wives guide or something!

KendallR10

I'm reading the book the army wife handbook. 

Its horribly boring but its better to read it now than be embarrassed later

divinemsbee

My favorite military marriage book I've read so far is "I Love A Man In Uniform" by Lily Burana. It's a memoir, and I've read her other books and love the way she writes. I read it when FI and I first started dating adn I relate to it a good bit because she was also going into the military aspect with no real knowledge of it and some pre-concieved notions, so it was really cool to read how that changed. Plus she recommended a few other books in there, especially about how to deal with officer wives, which has been pretty helpful.

calindi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:ff6c5b26-bb76-40b4-bbd5-94ac0872499ePost:def9d8a5-6c37-43bb-8315-5bc7ebc3425b">Re: Question</a>:
[QUOTE]My favorite military marriage book I've read so far is "I Love A Man In Uniform" by Lily Burana. It's a memoir, and I've read her other books and love the way she writes. I read it when FI and I first started dating adn I relate to it a good bit because she was also going into the military aspect with no real knowledge of it and some pre-concieved notions, so it was really cool to read how that changed. Plus she recommended a few other books in there,<strong> especially about how to deal with officer wives</strong>, which has been pretty helpful.
Posted by divinemsbee[/QUOTE]

Really?  How do you deal with us?  Er... well, I'm not a wife yet, but still!

I just find that funny because I don't necessarily think of it as "enlisted wives" or "officer wives" but rather "Marine wives" or "Army wives" ya know?  The ranks, in my mind, are for the service members but not for the spouses.  But I'm sure some people care more about it, or there's some people who have chips on their shoulders one way or another, so I'm sure it's helpful to see how someone else handled the diplomacy of those situations.

So there's a piece of advice for the noobs - significant others of service members don't wear the rank.  A Colonel's wife holds no authority over a Lance Corporal's wife.  Sure, it makes sense not to piss off your boss's wife, but that's pretty true in the civilian world, too!

shan87

I am in the midst of reading Married to the Military and its a very easy read. It was around $3 on amazon.

kyrgyzstan

Here's how I deal with officer's wives. 

"Hi, how are you? I'm Stan. What does your husband fly? Oh, cobras. That's awesome, they're my favorite. So what do you do?"

calindi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:ff6c5b26-bb76-40b4-bbd5-94ac0872499ePost:b97aac94-8364-4d36-a316-326768b33571">Re: Question</a>:
[QUOTE]Here's how I deal with officer's wives.  "Hi, how are you? I'm Stan. What does your husband fly? Oh, cobras. That's awesome, they're my favorite. So what do you do?"
Posted by WishIcouldbeinthe'stan[/QUOTE]

I seriously just looked for a "Like" button.  Ha!  I kind of adore you, Stan.  I promise it is a platonic love - it wouldn't violate DADT, though that would no longer prevent you from joining anyway!!!!

divinemsbee

Sorry, that came out kind of wrong (and I'll be one, too). The author is married to a SM who was on faculty at West Point, and she talks about how to deal with women who do try to  "wear their husband's rank" so to speak, in social situations. I was by no means trying to make that generalization of all wives of officers, and I apologize.
 It was more about going from being a complete outsider to a world that can be pretty intimidating where you don't necessarily know the do's and don't's.

Plus, right after I had finished reading it I met my FI's mother for the first time, who made many things very clear in our  conversation. One of which was that she sees officer's wives as a very cold and closed group (she was a Navy brat and her father was an officer and then she enlisted in the AIr Force). I now know that these are her own issues entirely, but that's the first time I had talked to anyone who ever had been military-involved about what married military life was like. Eeep. Not a good intro, but I'm so glad I've found people here.

calindi

I can't speak for anyone else, DMB, but I didn't take offense in the slightest! I was just joking around and using it to make a point to any noobs.

I think the best resouce I've had for the do's and don'ts have been from meeting the significant others of the people my FI works with.  It made me really excited for this next stage of our lives, as a married couple while he's AD!

firsttimersluck

lol divine... It's okay.. I wish I had a book on how to deal with officer spouses as well hahaha kidding... I would rather have a book with how to deal with ALL women :P hah!

I think that was the first offensive comment on here that wasn't taken offensively.. :P I like Stan's way. I hate being known by what Fi does... I'm not an o spouse I'm a  math major.. I would much rather be known as that.
I may check out that $3 book on amazon just for the heck of it!

kyrgyzstan

I think all wives who are known by their H's rank/mos/whatever are obnoxious. I'm super proud of FI, but he doesn't define me. I genuinely feel sad for people who are completely and totally defined by someone else, or who let themselves be. 

MsBee, I certainly wasn't offended. Once, a pilot's wife stepped on me at HC. In 4 inch spike heels. She didn't apologize. I have a scar. And the Lance Corporals' wives who are FI's neighbors annoy me on the daily. Sometimes, spouses are annoying. I ignore those ones.

iluvmytxrgr

OP, going from the National Guard to the Reserves won't be all that different.  You really aren't "missing" anything.  The only difference you will see is if he was a regular "driller", he will be at work every day as a full timer and still have to go to drills. 

divinemsbee

Stan- I'm definitely trying not to pre-worry and assume people are normal until they give me reason to think otherwise. A scar? I can't imagine hurting someone that badly, even on accident, and not saying or doing something, that's so ridiculous.

KendallR10

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:ff6c5b26-bb76-40b4-bbd5-94ac0872499ePost:b763107a-fae1-42f1-850a-49f44aca349e">Re: Question</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, going from the National Guard to the Reserves won't be all that different.  You really aren't "missing" anything.  The only difference you will see is if he was a regular "driller", he will be at work every day as a full timer and still have to go to drills. 
Posted by iluvmytxrgr[/QUOTE]
Are you sure? Because I have an ex that was reserve and he didn't work everyday. It was once a month for longer than a weekend. Between 3days and 3 weeks

calindi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:ff6c5b26-bb76-40b4-bbd5-94ac0872499ePost:2a6fd168-3d79-4888-9062-3c657c9a10d9">Re: Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Question : Are you sure? Because I have an ex that was reserve and he didn't work everyday. It was once a month for longer than a weekend. Between 3days and 3 weeks
Posted by KendallR10[/QUOTE]

That's normally the case, but she states in her opening post that it will be a full time job.  So perhaps he's working at the Reservist duty station or something?

KendallR10

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:ff6c5b26-bb76-40b4-bbd5-94ac0872499ePost:b48869af-d314-4986-939f-afe2009d6559">Re: Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Question : That's normally the case, but she states in her opening post that it will be a full time job.  So perhaps he's working at the Reservist duty station or something?
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]
Oh... idk. I think at that point if he works from a base you can live on base too

iluvmytxrgr

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:ff6c5b26-bb76-40b4-bbd5-94ac0872499ePost:5a780948-516c-4033-9063-b3f466510314">Re: Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Question : Oh... idk. I think at that point if he works from a base you can live on base too
Posted by KendallR10[/QUOTE]
No, you can't.  Being full time with the Reserves doesn't get you housing.  It gets you BAH and other benefits, but you do not get housing on post.  The only exception is for certain Reserve posts where housing is provided.  Most Reserve units aren't on a base.  They do, however need a certain number of full time staff. 

Sammy0709

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:ff6c5b26-bb76-40b4-bbd5-94ac0872499ePost:b6d03ef3-1bd6-4b8f-aee7-6ac619e71769">Re: Question</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I think all wives who are known by their H's rank/mos/whatever are obnoxious.</strong> I'm super proud of FI, but he doesn't define me. I genuinely feel sad for people who are completely and totally defined by someone else, or who let themselves be.  MsBee, I certainly wasn't offended. Once, a pilot's wife stepped on me at HC. In 4 inch spike heels. She didn't apologize. I have a scar. And the Lance Corporals' wives who are FI's neighbors annoy me on the daily. Sometimes, spouses are annoying. I ignore those ones. :)
Posted by WishIcouldbeinthe'stan[/QUOTE]

Speaking of this, I am so sick of my name being HM3's wife when I go to the hospital!  Even my provider calls me that!  How hard is it to learn my name?

iluvmytxrgr

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:ff6c5b26-bb76-40b4-bbd5-94ac0872499ePost:2a6fd168-3d79-4888-9062-3c657c9a10d9">Re: Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Question : Are you sure? Because I have an ex that was reserve and he didn't work everyday. It was once a month for longer than a weekend. Between 3days and 3 weeks
Posted by KendallR10[/QUOTE]
I was a Reservist up until 2 months ago. 

calindi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:ff6c5b26-bb76-40b4-bbd5-94ac0872499ePost:c30b4259-7a09-4aa6-bb94-0efae6d2d112">Re: Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Question : Speaking of this, I am so sick of my name being HM3's wife when I go to the hospital!  Even my provider calls me that!  How hard is it to learn my name?
Posted by Sammy0709[/QUOTE]

Everytime someone calls me FI's fiancee, I correct them and say, "No, you have that backwards.  He's my fiance."  And they giggle.  But I'm not kidding!

iluvmytxrgr

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:ff6c5b26-bb76-40b4-bbd5-94ac0872499ePost:b6d03ef3-1bd6-4b8f-aee7-6ac619e71769">Re: Question</a>:
[QUOTE]I think all wives who are known by their H's rank/mos/whatever are obnoxious. I'm super proud of FI, but he doesn't define me. I genuinely feel sad for people who are completely and totally defined by someone else, or who let themselves be.  MsBee, I certainly wasn't offended. Once, a pilot's wife stepped on me at HC. In 4 inch spike heels. She didn't apologize. I have a scar. And the Lance Corporals' wives who are FI's neighbors annoy me on the daily. Sometimes, spouses are annoying. I ignore those ones. :)
Posted by WishIcouldbeinthe'stan[/QUOTE]

I'm sure I told you about the time I blessed out an E-6's wife at ball.  One of her H's Privates came over to introduce his wife to his squad leader.  Chick shakes the wife of the SL's hand and is told "It's nice to meet you.  Maybe when your husband makes E-5, you can actually hang out with the big girls." 
I lost my shyte!  I politely informed her, in front of her H, that she held no rank and had no right to pull rank on any other wife.  If she wanted to pull rank than she could join up, but she'd have to wait a while since the Private she just embarassed would out rank her.  I then introduced myself, rank included, to the younger wife and invited her to our table to meet other wives. 
Some of my very good friends are wives of officers or lower ranking enlisted.  We all benefit from the experiences of each other. 

kyrgyzstan

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:ff6c5b26-bb76-40b4-bbd5-94ac0872499ePost:6f1b4a45-4dd8-4b9d-ae85-abe55ab605be">Re: Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Question : I'm sure I told you about the time I blessed out an E-6's wife at ball.  One of her H's Privates came over to introduce his wife to his squad leader.  Chick shakes the wife of the SL's hand and is told "It's nice to meet you.  Maybe when your husband makes E-5, you can actually hang out with the big girls."  I lost my shyte!  I politely informed her, in front of her H, that she held no rank and had no right to pull rank on any other wife.  If she wanted to pull rank than she could join up, but she'd have to wait a while since the Private she just embarassed would out rank her.  I then introduced myself, rank included, to the younger wife and invited her to our table to meet other wives.  Some of my very good friends are wives of officers or lower ranking enlisted.  We all benefit from the experiences of each other. 
Posted by iluvmytxrgr[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div><3</div><div>
</div><div>HECK YEAH!

</div>

kara811

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_question-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:ff6c5b26-bb76-40b4-bbd5-94ac0872499ePost:6f1b4a45-4dd8-4b9d-ae85-abe55ab605be">Re: Question</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Question : I'm sure I told you about the time I blessed out an E-6's wife at ball.  One of her H's Privates came over to introduce his wife to his squad leader.  Chick shakes the wife of the SL's hand and is told "It's nice to meet you.  Maybe when your husband makes E-5, you can actually hang out with the big girls."  I lost my shyte!  I politely informed her, in front of her H, that she held no rank and had no right to pull rank on any other wife.  If she wanted to pull rank than she could join up, but she'd have to wait a while since the Private she just embarassed would out rank her.  I then introduced myself, rank included, to the younger wife and invited her to our table to meet other wives.  Some of my very good friends are wives of officers or lower ranking enlisted.  We all benefit from the experiences of each other. 
Posted by iluvmytxrgr[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Wow, that chick has good manners, doesn't she?! She did that at a ball?! What you did was awesome! 

</div>