The Job talk with FI (Kinda long)

Danidawn20

Hey ladies,
 First I want to say Thank You so much for pointing out the all the contradicting stuff I was writing. I brought it up to FI, and he was still telling me the same story I told you ladies. (which, as established last night doesn't make any sense) SO I pointed it out to him, and showed him all the posts and explained to him, that minus where he is, everything I thought was safe to share from what he told me I shared.

Fi got the deer in the head lights look. Then he got upset that I was sharing stuff online. He told me, I should be sharing the things that I was sharing.


Anyways after we talked it out, This is what Fi told me (And since I'm not the greatest at Military stuff, I may need your help)

Last year FI had a head injury.  His doctors clear him and he did leave in June. He's back now, because the Army thinks/ says that he is not ready to go back to being AD. Fi didn't want to tell me that and have me worry, so he made up a story (the first one I told you ladies) and just stuck with it. But, then his story (as I just realized last night) kept changing because he couldn't keep up with it.

Anyways, to see if what he is telling me it true, we both agreed to make an appointment with the doctors and to talk to his superiors about his head.

As for the Job and resigning, he told me that he lied about his job because he does top secret stuff. He said I shouldn't post anything he tells me about and can give me more information when we are married and I am his family.  Is he pulling y leg. I already feel hurt and betrayed after  you lovely ladies pointed it all out to me (again, thank you for that. I know it would have taken me a long time to figure out all the contractions my self)
I just feel that there shouldn't be a job that secretive. Fi and I are going to talk more about it tonight, but as I said, I don't think there is a job that is super Top secret. Even my dad can tell us what his job it, and he has  top secret clearance with the Government.

Again, I want to say Thank you. I feel like such a fool right now. Thank you for pointing out everything. Thank you so much. I propably  wouln't of know the truth as to why he is back without your help ladies.

kyrgyzstan

Like I said in the other post, I know people with a TS clearance, and they can share their MOS and duty station. Your FI isn't major SF, that's obvious from photos. If I were you, and if you're real, I'd want to see paperwork, and lots of it.

SamiJoeB

Quite frankly.. Yes. I do think he's pulling your leg.  I'm sorry to say it, but I know Government Contractors who work with the military, have security clearances that super duper top secret, and they can still tell ME, where they work, and I have an idea of what they work on.. and I'm talking about people who create the firewall & security for the Pentagon & White House.  I'm sorry, but Joe Blow from Where ever town USA, doesn't easily get recruited for a job like that, not to mention the YEARS he'd have to invest in his education. 

How long have you known your FI? because I think he's playing you for a fool, and he's doing a damn good job of it.

ETA: I had a TS clearance and I could always tell H, even when he was my FI, where I was..

BinxRose

I truly feel, from what you've told us, that your FI is indeed "pulling your leg." Pretty much nothing you have ever told us, including this post, even makes sense.

I'm with Stan. I would request paperwork/documentation.

kara811

Ditto all the ladies. Dani, this might seem harsh, but are you real? If you really are, your FI is taking you for a fool and you should rethink your relationship. I would not be in a relationship full of lies, I can never marry someone who doesn't tell me the truth. 

Like Sami pointed out, even people with super top secret clearances can still share things about their jobs to their SOs. My H has a job like that, nobody can go where he works unless you have a clearance for it, his schooling was all confidential and pictures are never taken of him or his coworkers while at work, but even with all this, he still shares everything with me.. 

amh04

I agree with Sami and Wish. I would want paperwork, and real people, and real answers. NOW. My FI has a TS clearance, and I know exactly what it is he does, and works on. His shop has TS clearance because of what is in it, which is why I think he has to have a TS clearance. And someone please correct me if I am wrong, but there are a lot of jobs in the military that require TS clearance, or clearance of some sort.

He can tell you what his job is, he can explain it, and so forth. The only thing I believe he can't tell you is operational information. Stuff that is considered a violation of OPSEC. I really hope that your FI gets real with you fast, you deserve the right answers. You seem really sweet and I would hate to hear that your FI did something like this to you. I hope you get the right answers and real ones soon. Something definitely seems fishy with all of this.

SamiJoeB

AMH- You're exactly right, there are actually only a few jobs that DON'T require a clearance of some sort...

So I mean.. if you think about it.. how is it that probably 90% of the girls on this board  either have a clearance, or are in a relationship with someone who has a clearance, and we all know where our SO's are stationed, where they work, and in most cases what they work on.. however vague that is.. KWIM?

AmandaSC1988

Huh….Interesting. I have a pretty strict “no-lies” policy with my FI, so I would be furious if he lied to me to keep me for worrying. I would also demand paperwork like the other ladies have said and additionally couple’s counseling. Lies are not a good foundation to start a marriage, and not to be a Debbie downer, but if he lied about something this big…what else has he lied about?  

Danidawn20

Okay ladies, thank, I will request paper work.

calindi

I think it's kind of a big deal, whether he's lying now or not, that he's been lying to you for MONTHS about the status of his job.  And only tells you when he gets called out.  That's a huge issue, for me, and would result in going to couples' counseling and probably breaking up.  I couldn't handle someone who could lie to my face like that for no reason.

Now, about the top secret job, I happen to have applied and been through the interview process for one of the MOST top secret jobs in the country at one point (which I obviously don't now have, as I wouldn't be telling you that - I didn't end up getting the job) with the CIA's Clandestine Service.  In that case, they have a cover story (made-up job) complete with a paycheck from your fake company rather than the government, all the paperwork for the cover story (business cards, etc.), and backstops for the stories (people that are "references" for you professionally - they hire people just to be backstops).  None of what I'm telling you is top secret, simply because a) I never got that far, and b) all of this information is available in books about the CIA.

However, even with that job, you could tell your spouse or someone who is spouse-like (meaning you could reasonably assume this person would relocate with you if you were moved for work) that you had the job, where you were going in generalities (i.e. you could tell them you were going to the MidEast, but maybe not Kabul), and you could tell them some of the declassified information after missions were completed. 

For these jobs, you require Top Secret clearance.  And a college degree.

So what I'm saying is there is absolutely no way a 20-year-old who has been in-and-out of the military with a TBI would be in such a position as to have a top secret job too secret to tell you vague things, and yet not secret enough to have a convincing cover story.  And even by the CIA standards, spouse-like is allowed to know as much as spouses.  So engaged counts, and there's no reason a marriage license would define when he could or couldn't tell you.

Sorry, but I really feel like it's almost guaranteed that he's lying.  Go with him to the doctor and commanding officer to see what's really going on, but he's already been lying to you - do you really need to find out what else he's been lying about before you realize it's NOT acceptable?

Danidawn20

Thank you  ladies
As I said, I trusted he would be truthful to me, and honestly didn't realize thing weren't matching up until someone else pointed it out. I feel like a fool, but we have meetings planned Friday. So, I'll know more then.

Also, I've been with Fi for clse to 5 years, so I really feel like a fool.

calindi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_job-talk-fi-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:ffdc50a4-6757-4748-a34a-b362d9341c4dPost:1d4f056a-1d0e-4a5d-9b94-9894ff53ed06">Re: The Job talk with FI (Kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you  ladies As I said, I trusted he would be truthful to me, and honestly didn't realize thing weren't matching up until someone else pointed it out. I feel like a fool, but we have meetings planned Friday. So, I'll know more then. Also, I've been with Fi for clse to 5 years, so I really feel like a fool.
Posted by Danidawn20[/QUOTE]

It happens.  We believe because we want to believe, and because it's the person we love telling us something.

Just make sure you know exactly what is going on before you get married!  No reason to make any permanent decisions right now - just get things sorted out, DEFINITELY go to counseling (if not together, then go by yourself - either will help, though I think individual counseling is more important here). 

TeamBaby

I wouldn't even trust any paperwork he shows you.  And he's never going to take you to "talk to his superiors."  None of this makes sense at all.  Soldiers don't go back and forth from Reserves and AD due to medical issues or injuries.  That's what the Warrior Transition Unit is for.  USAR and AD are two completely different organizations.  USAR is not where AD Soldiers go when they medically cannot fufill their obligation. 

I'm not even going to entertain the TS/clearance topic.  Everyone else beat that horse to death.
 
You need to go with your gut- which I think you know what its telling you.  I would drop this guy QUICK. 

calindi

TeamBaby!!!  How are you?  Haven't seen you around in a bit.  I've been thinking of you and wishing you well

kara811

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_job-talk-fi-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:ffdc50a4-6757-4748-a34a-b362d9341c4dPost:a1e3fae7-878c-41ac-861c-5784c0f06a1f">Re: The Job talk with FI (Kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't even trust any paperwork he shows you.  And he's never going to take you to "talk to his superiors."  None of this makes sense at all.  Soldiers don't go back and forth from Reserves and AD due to medical issues or injuries.  That's what the Warrior Transition Unit is for.  USAR and AD are two completely different organizations.  USAR is not where AD Soldiers go when they medically cannot fufill their obligation.  I'm not even going to entertain the TS/clearance topic.  Everyone else beat that horse to death.   <strong>You need to go with your gut- which I think you know what its telling you.  I would drop this guy QUICK.  :/</strong>
Posted by TeamBaby[/QUOTE]

<div>Big ditto to this. Honestly Dani, if someone has lied to me for this long, I cannot be with this person any longer. Even if we go through counseling, in the back of my head, I will always think he's lying to me. I just can't have a liar for a husband. </div>

TeamBaby

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_job-talk-fi-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:ffdc50a4-6757-4748-a34a-b362d9341c4dPost:94f28101-48b6-415a-9de9-6dc06a27e253">Re: The Job talk with FI (Kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]TeamBaby!!!  How are you?  Haven't seen you around in a bit.  <strong>I've been thinking of you and wishing you well
</strong>Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

Aww!  Thank you!  I'm doing good.  Due this Thur, although I don't think she understands that she's due this week. :/  I don't feel close at all.  *sigh*

calindi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_job-talk-fi-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:ffdc50a4-6757-4748-a34a-b362d9341c4dPost:cb92f337-7750-447b-a0ff-75e609c333a7">Re: The Job talk with FI (Kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: The Job talk with FI (Kinda long) : Aww!  Thank you!  I'm doing good.  Due this Thur, although I don't think she understands that she's due this week. :/  I don't feel close at all.  *sigh*
Posted by TeamBaby[/QUOTE]

Holy cow, time flies!!!  Please come back and show us pictures when she makes her grand arrival.  Good luck to you and sending happy wishes for a quick and easy labor and a very healthy baby!

Are you still working this week?

Danidawn20

Thak you ladies, you seriously have given me a lot to think about.

amh04

I agree with the other ladies. In the end it's your choice, however, if he has been lying to you for this long I seriously wouldn't believe anything else that comes out of his mouth. You can't have a healthy relationship when you've been lied to for so long. I would honestly seek counseling for yourself, because that could really create a lot of trust issues in the future. And then once you have moved on, I would take that ring, and go shopping with what money you get from it (this is assuming you have one, I haven't seen a picture of it or I can't remember if I have or not) he doesn't deserve to get that back after all the lies he put you through. This is just my opionion. But I really strongly suggest seeking counseling for yourself, thats a lot to deal with.

CAB1217

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_job-talk-fi-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:ffdc50a4-6757-4748-a34a-b362d9341c4dPost:cb92f337-7750-447b-a0ff-75e609c333a7">Re: The Job talk with FI (Kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: The Job talk with FI (Kinda long) : Aww!  Thank you!  I'm doing good.  Due this Thur, although I don't think she understands that she's due this week. :/  I don't feel close at all.  *sigh*
Posted by TeamBaby[/QUOTE]

Excited for you!!! Hopefully she comes on time for you! GL!

TeamBaby

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_job-talk-fi-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:ffdc50a4-6757-4748-a34a-b362d9341c4dPost:2244e3ef-08cb-4412-a65a-b6f2a03ed6ea">Re: The Job talk with FI (Kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: The Job talk with FI (Kinda long) : Holy cow, time flies!!!  Please come back and show us pictures when she makes her grand arrival.  Good luck to you and sending happy wishes for a quick and easy labor and a very healthy baby! Are you still working this week?
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

You're sweet, thank you.  I'll def post pics and info once things calm down.  I'm not really working this week or at all until I go into labor.  My unit is gone for pre-deployment training for the month, so I basically have zero responsibility.  I just monitor my email from home.  I'm severely overpaid right now. LOL

crownsuperstar

Oh Dani I am sorry to say but I do think he is pulling your leg.  H's doesnt really talk about his job for various reason but I do know where he is and he has explained in general terms what he does (I mean not mission stuff).  I have even met his commander and co-workers and people that report to him.  I would second what some of the other ladies said and ask for paper work.

Beachy730

Holy eff, I just read this post and the one from yesterday.  

Dani- That is all the biggest load of BS I have ever heard.  I didn't have to read any further than him getting 6 months of leave to help you to know that he is completely playing you for a fool.  Nobody is getting an automatic 6 months of leave for a FI.  You wouldn't even get that for a wife unless she was on her death bed and you had kids with no other help for them.  And even still then, you wouldn't get an automatic 6 months.  

Have you ever seen his ID?  Does he get a regular paycheck?  Ask him to see paperwork, including his LES, his orders, etc.  

My advice, get the eff out, and get out now.  

ggirl2001

So he got upset with you for posting information about his lies? Niice. He is 100% lying to you. I doubt he is even in the military. He's 20 or so right? Was released for head injury but let back in and given a top secret job. That doesn't even make sense as I type it out. Ask to see his military Id. He can show that to you. Ask him where he was in August, September, those times you posted he was on leave. He CAN tell you that and if he doesn't, then he is lying to you about something.

kyrgyzstan

His ID and LES are immediately obtainable. Like he can show you within a minute of you asking, since LESs are available on my pay. I look at H's all the time.

iluvmytxrgr

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_job-talk-fi-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:ffdc50a4-6757-4748-a34a-b362d9341c4dPost:a1e3fae7-878c-41ac-861c-5784c0f06a1f">Re: The Job talk with FI (Kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't even trust any paperwork he shows you.  And he's never going to take you to "talk to his superiors."  None of this makes sense at all.  Soldiers don't go back and forth from Reserves and AD due to medical issues or injuries.  That's what the Warrior Transition Unit is for.  USAR and AD are two completely different organizations.  USAR is not where AD Soldiers go when they medically cannot fufill their obligation.  I'm not even going to entertain the TS/clearance topic.  Everyone else beat that horse to death.   You need to go with your gut- which I think you know what its telling you.  I would drop this guy QUICK.  :/
Posted by TeamBaby[/QUOTE]
This is EXACTLY what I was going to say.  The Reserves isn't a place you jump back and forth into as a holding spot for AD.  Your FI is full of shiit, sorry.  He's been filling your head with all sorts of BS. 
I won't go into the clearance thing, but people know where we are stationed.  You can also Google where most Spec Ops and SF units are stationed around the world.  Unless your FI is a member of some super elite team that is more badasss than Delta, SEALS and the Rangers, he can tell you about his job. 

LetsHikeToday

Wow I just caught up. Dani- have you seen his ID?

Zeldakins

I gotta agree with everyone here, especially about the whole top secret stuff. FI's also got a TS clearance...he's twenty and honestly there's not much he can't tell me. I always know where he's at and get regular updates. I'm really sorry that you've had to go through this and that the lies have gotten this far. I  really hope that with some counseling and time you can get through this.

LuluP82

Yup, I just read this too and wow. I don't see how this isn't a bunch of lies.

Like Calindi, I also went through the CIA process at one point. And during the interview process, after a certain time, I was allowed to tell my H (we weren't even officially engaged at the time, but living together and planning on marriage within the year). I specifically asked, and they said I *should* discuss with him at that point, since obviously that would affect if I could move forward or not.

There's no way your FI's job is more secret than the CIA. Unless it's such a super secret agency that no one realizes exists, and his cover is the military! But frankly, if that were the case, you woudn't have caught him in a lie, since I'm pretty sure the cover jobs are pretty damn good and accurate. (good movie plot, though)

tyleet87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_job-talk-fi-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:ffdc50a4-6757-4748-a34a-b362d9341c4dPost:6896d691-d5e1-4826-95a6-d3425a884e1a">Re: The Job talk with FI (Kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow I just caught up. Dani- have you seen his ID?
Posted by LetsHikeToday[/QUOTE]

I agree. This is a start.

I'm sorry to hear about all of this. I wish you all the best.

Danidawn20

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_job-talk-fi-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:ffdc50a4-6757-4748-a34a-b362d9341c4dPost:6896d691-d5e1-4826-95a6-d3425a884e1a">Re: The Job talk with FI (Kinda long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow I just caught up. Dani- have you seen his ID?
Posted by LetsHikeToday[/QUOTE]
 I have seen his ID, his dog tags, and all his uniforms.