Wedding Vows & Ceremony Discussions

Ceremony Nightmare

I knew that there would be issues during wedding planning, but I really didn't think the ceremony would be one of them! =(

We have a venue, and they CAN do a ceremony there but my fiance really wants a church wedding.  Noon is the only time that any of the churches who will take us have open (the rest require us to be affiliated, and since I'm agnostic and he grew up in another state we have nothing). 

I wanted to have a 5pm cocktail reception.  I don't think its right to have a 4 hour gap between ceremony and reception, but I'm not sure what I can do.  Would you be really upset if you were a guest to a wedding with a 4 hour gap?  Should I just stop thinking about it and hope that people understand?

Re: Ceremony Nightmare

  • where do you live? there is a little chapel in Smyrna that does ceremonies, maybe no time frame-
    check small churches, little chapels 
    how many attending?
    yes a gap would be awkward 
    could you not integrate some religious themes at the current venue that would make him feel like its more of a church feel?
    God is everywhere and although I understand the importance of a church ceremony- perhaps you can bring the church to you??
    perhaps a prayer and minister with some sentimental religious undertones?
    just throwing out some ideas
    check out log cabin community church- maybe they can help
    Good luck
  • I am not a fan of gaps. I would MUCH prefer an earlier reception.
    image
  • I've heard people are more OK with gaps for Catholic weddings, because Catholic churches restrict when weddings can be. Yet I've attended A LOT of Catholic weddings, and never dealt with a gap, because my friends are (generally) polite and sensible.

    You want a cocktail party. He wants a church wedding. You can't do the church wedding at cocktail hour. You have to compromise or one of you has to give in. (I'd say you, but I'm more religious than most people.) Welcome to marriage!
  • Thank you for the thoughtful replies. It would be a catholic ceremony. Which i think rules out any catholic priests since they can only marry people in a catholic church right? He doesn't want an earlier reception either and seems to think that a 12pm ceremony and 5pm reception is do-able. We will likely have 150 or so attendees. We will keep trying. Something will work! Im standing my ground that a gap like that is rude.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_ceremony-nightmare?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:b640d642-2545-479f-a48c-35d3bfb55281Post:c6d5432d-84b6-4d45-85bb-ff80a14adafc">Re: Ceremony Nightmare</a>:
    [QUOTE]I've heard people are more OK with gaps for Catholic weddings, because Catholic churches restrict when weddings can be. Yet I've attended A LOT of Catholic weddings, and never dealt with a gap, because my friends are (generally) polite and sensible. You want a cocktail party. He wants a church wedding. You can't do the church wedding at cocktail hour. You have to compromise or one of you has to give in. (I'd say you, but I'm more religious than most people.) Welcome to marriage!
    Posted by ElisabethJoanne[/QUOTE]

    There is no rule in the Catholic faith about the timing of the ceremonies. I could have had my ceremony anytime I wanted (we had a Saturday wedding). What restricts the timing is the schedule of the specific parish/priest. You can ask other churches in the area if they offer later ceremonies. Also, look into smaller chapels that aren't used by large parishes. They often do not have as many time restrictions because they're not used for regular masses.

    OP - I agree with pp that you/your FI need to be very careful about choosing to have the ceremony according to the Catholic faith or not. It's a bigger deal than the mere logistics.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_ceremony-nightmare?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:b640d642-2545-479f-a48c-35d3bfb55281Post:77fb8d78-0172-455b-9da1-004493844e05">Re: Ceremony Nightmare</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ceremony Nightmare : Which of you is Catholic?  Do you plan on practicing the Catholic faith at any time in the future? The only way you can have a Catholic ceremony is to be married by a priest in the church (sanctified ground).  The church usually does not allow any other kind of marriage.  If you do not follow the Catholic rules, you cannot participate in the mass (communion), and you are excommunicated.  This is a very big deal!  Have you checked this out?  This is a much more important question than what time you should have your reception or ceremony!  I am concerned for you.
    Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]


    He was raised Catholic.  I am not Catholic and will not be converting, but am happy to have a Catholic ceremony for him.  We have discussed extensively how we will be conducting our lives regarding religious matters (and then some) and are on the same page. No need for concern though I do appreciate it! 
  • Agreeing with PP, I was raised catholic and as far as I have ever been taught, you must have gone through the previous sacraments (baptism, first communion, confermation) to be able to marry in the catholic church. You should look into that first.

    After that, the two of you need to sit and think about what is the most important part of your wedding? Is it the ceremony itself, or is the reception and your guests more important? Of course the ceremony is the most important part (since it is a wedding after all) but to my fiance and I, it is more important to us to have a great celebration with our friends and family. Some of myextended  family is not exactly happy with my choice not to marry in the church but we decided that we wanted to be able to put the extra money and time towards our recepetion. We also decided we wanted a very personal ceremony so we have asked a friend to become ordained to marry us. While I understand that religion is incredibly important, maybe there is another way to compromise and make your ceremony special to the both of you.

    If the church is a deal breaker, and noon is esential, maybe have lunch after at a local resturant and then move on to cocktails and deserts? I feel like you need a meal in there if it going to be that long of an event.
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  • Tami87Tami87 member
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited January 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_ceremony-nightmare?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:b640d642-2545-479f-a48c-35d3bfb55281Post:91b2150e-2f51-4bfe-97bc-27dc88a1dec1">Re: Ceremony Nightmare</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ceremony Nightmare : He was raised Catholic.  I am not Catholic and will not be converting, but am happy to have a Catholic ceremony for him.  We have discussed extensively how we will be conducting our lives regarding religious matters (and then some) and are on the same page. No need for concern though I do appreciate it! 
    Posted by Suzsvendsen[/QUOTE]

    It's great that you guys have discussed religious manners and are on the same page. Since you are not Catholic, I wanted to make sure you are aware of what a Catholic church wedding entails. To have a valid marriage in the church you both have to be able to freely give yourself in marriage without reservations (most common issue here would be a previous marriage without an annulment), be open to life and accepting of children, and agree to raise them in the faith. This is part of your vows. As the non-catholic party for you this would mean not interfering with your fiances attempts to raise children Catholic. Make sure you are both okay with making these promises.

    As for original issue, It is possible to find a Catholic church with a later wedding time. Usually the issue is that a lot of parishes have 5pm Saturday night mass. But it may be possible to get a 2:30pm or 3pm time slot, which may lessen the gap. I would keep asking around.

    That being said I am having a 2pm wedding ceremony which I anticipate ending around 3:15pm and then the reception is 30 min away and doesn't start until 6pm. So yes I will have about a 2 hour gap. We will most likely have some type of hospitality suite or suggestions of things for the guests to do in between. I would say just try to provide for your guests as best you can. And honestly from weddings I have attended I much rather have a scheduled gap where I can go back to the hotel and relax and freshen up than go straight to the reception and then have to wait more than an hour for the bride and groom to show up because they were taking pictures. But I know that may be an unpopular opinion.
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  • This is an interesting dilemma. I was raised Catholic myself and am going to marry a pagan man. I no longer practice and my understanding was that to be married in a Catholic church, both bride and groom would have to be Catholic or attending classes to convert. If he still practices a church wedding may create even more of a sticky situation.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_ceremony-nightmare?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:b640d642-2545-479f-a48c-35d3bfb55281Post:83e99e12-8183-4ee7-89d0-f872e702c86e">Re: Ceremony Nightmare</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ceremony Nightmare : Does he understand that he will be excommunicated if he is not married in a Catholic church by a Catholic priest?  Anything other than this is not a Catholic ceremony.
    Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

    If a Catholic person marries a non-Catholic outside the Catholic church, they are excommunicated??
  • I can't really decide what's best for the both of you as far as where you get married (If you do have a civil ceremony outside of the church, you can have a Catholic convalidation at a later date if having the church recognize your marriage is important to your FI, though), you guys are really the only ones that can decide what's right for you.

    However, I can say this: whatever you do, don't have a 4-hour gap.


    *I felt sorry for my husband before I met him. Take a number.*
    image

  • I don't believe they are excommunicated, but an attempted marriage by a Catholic outside the Church is considered invalid. So, according to the Church, the parties are not married and are thus living in sin. As such they are not excommunicated, but are unable to receive the sacraments until they rectify the matter and make a good confession. They would then need to have a convalidation to make their marriage a valid Catholic marriage.

  • I'm so relieved! We found a church who can marry us at 2 pm! =). It's 30 mins away but we will just provide transportation and suggest some things to do in the area untl our reception starts. CMGr - I'm guessing if that is the case he would know that since he went to an all boys catholic high school followed by Notre Dame but I'm not sure. I'll have to ask him. Froid - No idea! I do know that a catholic Priest is going to marry us in a catholic church provided we go through pre Cana. They know I'm not catholic. I can also speak to fact that my older brother, who is also not catholic, married a catholic woman in a catholic church and I have at least two sets of friends who have done the same. Perhaps it just depends on the parish? Not sure how that works!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_ceremony-nightmare?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:b640d642-2545-479f-a48c-35d3bfb55281Post:0f23198d-7cef-45ec-b7d7-171562f42351">Re: Ceremony Nightmare</a>:
    [QUOTE]This is an interesting dilemma. I was raised Catholic myself and am going to marry a pagan man. I no longer practice and my understanding was that to be married in a Catholic church, both bride and groom would have to be Catholic or attending classes to convert. If he still practices a church wedding may create even more of a sticky situation.
    Posted by Froidinslip[/QUOTE]

    Only ONE person needs to be Catholic in order to be married in the Catholic Church. That is the rule, no priest or parish can altar it. However, a priest must be comfortable that at least one person being married is a faithful follower of the Church. This is where you can see priests turning some away (until they take the necessary steps to correct themselves).
  • edited January 2012
    CMGr-  A Catholic who marries outside of the church may participate in the liturgy of the Mass, but would not be allowed to receive communion. I know this from first hand experience.

    Suz - you are right. The four hour gap is unreasonable. Either move the reception up or ask the priest if you can have a  Friday night ceremony. There is no rule, in the Catholic church that says you have to get married on a Saturday.







                       
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_ceremony-nightmare?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:b640d642-2545-479f-a48c-35d3bfb55281Post:2872bf9f-8f09-4e8d-9224-cef2c922a4a6">Re: Ceremony Nightmare</a>:
    [QUOTE]CMGr-  A Catholic who marries outside of the church may participate in the liturgy of the Mass, but would not be allowed to receive communion. I know this from first hand experience.
    Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

    Yes. There is a difference between excommunication and being in a state of grace. Marrying outside of the church does not result in excommunication. It puts you out of a state of grace, which precludes you from receiving sacraments (such as communion) until the situation is taken care of through convalidation/confession.

    These are the only offenses punished by automatic excommunication:

    1) An apostate from the faith, a heretic, or a schismatic (Can. 1364)
    2) Profanation of the Eucharist (Can. 1367)
    3) Physical attack against the Roman Pontiff (Can. 1370)
    4) Absolution against an accomplice in a sin against the sixth Commandment (Can. 1378, 977)
    5) Consecration of a bishop without a pontifical mandate (Can. 1382)
    6) A priest who violates the sacramental seal of confession (Can. 1388)
    7) A person who procures a completed abortion (Can. 1389)


    Can. 1323 The following are not subject to a penalty when they have violated a law or precept:
    1. a person who has not yet completed the sixteenth year of age;
    2. a person who without negligence was ignorant that he or she violated a law or precept; inadvertence and error are equivalent to ignorance;
    3. a person who acted due to physical force or a chance occurrence which the person could not foresee or, if foreseen, avoid;
    4. a person who acted coerced by grave fear, even if only relatively grave, or due to necessity or grave inconvenience unless the act is intrinsically evil or tends to the harm of souls;
    5. a person who acted with due moderation against an unjust aggressor for the sake of legitimate self defense or defense of another;
    6. a person who lacked the use of reason, without prejudice to the prescripts of cann. 1324, §1, n. 2 and 1325;
    7. a person who without negligence thought that one of the circumstances mentioned in nn. 4 or 5 was present.
  • He will not necessairly be excommunicated. Marraiges can be blessed by the priest at a later date. Part of the deal with being married in a Catholic church is that you have the intention of raising your family Catholic, and practicing a Catholic way of life. It is possible for you to marry in the Catholic church without being Catholic (since he is), but it would be the discretion of the priest as to what that church requires before your wedding (pre cana, meetings, etc). I think the time slot is long, however if that's important to him, it should be important to you and your guests. Catholic ceremonies take approximately one hour if mass is included. How long is the hotel/reception site from the church? Maybe the guests could be given time to check-in to their room before cocktail hour/dinner?
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  • Agree - our Catholic ceremony is at 3 pm and our cocktail hour will begin at 5pm. Having been to many Catholic ceremonies and being Catholic myself, this is normal to me.
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  • Just saw this. Ah - that works! Happy for you!
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